Not So Fast/Script

The following is a script of the mission Not So Fast in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Troy: Yo, he man.

Luis: Hey man, Tony inside?

Troy: Ah yeah, but can I speak to you for a minute?

Luis: No, not really.

Troy: Nah, it'll just take a minute, man. I really need you to speak to Tony.

Luis: I did and you can't move to Maisonette.

Troy: No, no, no, no, man not that. Not that. Guess what? I'm going to be famous. Seriously.

Luis: So?

Troy: So? So? Are you insane, man? What else matters? The production company here, man... belongs to one of the guys. They're going to make a show about me. Me! I mean, they were making one about this Puerto Rican guy in Bohan, but he disappeared. Now, they're going to make a show about me.

Luis: Bro, you spend every night stand here in the exact same spot.

Troy: It's very stressful, man. But it's got it all. Think about it. Drama, action, sex, love, it's got everything... they're all going to shoot it through the eyes of - of a tough guy with a heart.

Clubgoer: Excuse me, can I get through? Hey man, can I get through?

Luis: I'm sure, and it sounds all like fantastic entertainment. Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back down to Earth.

Clubgoer: Ok, if you could excuse me also!

Troy: Hey hey hey. Did I say next?

Clubgoer: Yeah you said I was next, man.

Troy: Hey listen, man, get back in line.

Clubgoer: You said I was next.

Troy: Yeah, you know what? We're full.

Clubgoer: Fuck you, you said I was...

(Luis walks into Hercules and finds Tony)

Luis: What's up, T?

Tony: Oh, we're getting rich here - look at this place - so many rich, happy queens spending their hard earned money, huh? Man, what went wrong? In my day, gay guys used to be lonely, needy and lost. Now they're all in relationships learning how to cook. Man, therapy has got a lot to answer for, huh? Where's all the self loathing gone, huh?

Luis: So, who do you want me to kill boss?

Tony: Oh, ha! A lot of people. A lot of people. And where the fuck is Gracie? Huh? She's supposed to meet me here.. fuck her, man...fuck, oh shit. We've got to go make ourselves rich, because, after all, the nightclub trade is not what it used to be.

Luis: What's going down?

Tony: Those diamonds, I heard they're being sold soon. At the Libertonian, of all places. I thought we could go down there, put in a lot ball bid and take them for ourselves, huh?

Luis: Nice, let's go.

Tony: Exactly! Ok.

(Tony gets up from his stool but falls on the ground)

Luis: Yeah maybe uh - maybe I should handle this one on my own, T. Okay. You just sit tight, wait for Gracie, and um, I'll give you a shout when I get back.

Tony: I'm not on drugs, man.

Luis: I know. I know.

Tony: I'm not on drugs.

Dialogue

(Luis leaves Hercules and calls Yusuf)

Yusuf: My favorite dude. Luis, what's up?

Luis: Yusuf, bro, I can't chat right now. You mind if I borrow your chopper?

Yusuf: Which one, man? I got a fleet.

Luis: The special one. The one with all that military shit.

Yusuf: The Buzzard? Of course, bro. It's practically yours anyway. You'll love what I've done with her. She's over at my pad on the West River.

Luis: Thanks, bro.

(Luis goes to the heliport and to his amazement, finds the Buzzard painted completely gold)

Luis: Ain't no one gonna expect a golden chopper to shoot them to shit.

or:

Luis: Gold, Yusuf? That ain't conspicuous at all.

Luis: I thought I was borrowing some stealth shit.

(Luis goes to the Libertonian and spies on the deal)

Isaac: You know how things are?

Niko: No problem.

Johnny: Let's do this.

Isaac: Let's see the stuff gentlemen. Mori, come over here.

Johnny: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, since we're having a little show and tell let's see some money.

Isaac: Of course, no problem. There it is, beautiful, huh? Unmarked bills. No history, no need to launder.

Johnny: Good. Niko, show him the stuff.

Isaac: Get in there Mori.

Mori: Isaac, look at them.

Isaac: Gorgeous, huh? Like condense money.

Mori: Issac, there are great.

(As Mori inspects the diamonds, Luis shoots him with an AK-47)

Luis: Rest of you motherfuckers wanna die, do something stupid okay?

Mobster: Fuck you!

(A mobster attempts to shoot Luis but is killed)

Johnny: Just get the shit man. Come on!

(Johnny grabs the money and runs while Isaac takes the diamonds and seeks cover underneath a table until Luis finds him)

Isaac: Wait, wait, wait, wait listen...If you get me out of here, I promise I'll split this with you.

Luis: Can you do me a favor and not take this too personally?

Isaac: What?

(Luis knocks Isaac unconscious)

Luis: They was stolen from us first, bro.

(Luis leaves the Libertonian and calls Tony)

Tony: Luis. How'd it go?

Luis: Pretty good, bro. Meet me at the helipad on the West River. I'll be there soon.

Tony: Alright. I'll try and sober up.

Luis: Yeah great. Try and do that for me.

(LCPD begin to follow Luis)

LCPD: Get that weird-ass chopper on the ground now.

or:

LCPD: Man in the weird chopper. Please proceed to the ground.

LCPD: I don't know what that thing is, but I need you to land it.

Luis: I ain't gonna lose them in this golden goose, I better rain shit on their ass.

or:

Luis: I might not be able to hide in this gold monstrosity, but I can sure as shit fight.

Luis: If you can't run, you going to have to fight.

LCPD: What the fuck is that thing?

LCPD: You're going down.

LCPD: We've got a situation here.

LCPD: This does not look good.

LCPD: I do believe we are out gunned.

LCPD: Land that thing now, or you will be obliterated.

LCPD: Please do not make us do this.

LCPD: Heat seeking missiles engaged.

LCPD: It's not often we get to bring out the heat seekers.

LCPD: You will not win this dogfight. We're highly trained.

Luis: Take some of this.

Luis: You seen one of these bitches before?

Luis: I'm a kick your ass, motherfucker.

Luis: You expecting this shit?

(When Luis destroys an Annihilator)

Luis: You were out gunned.

Luis: There you go!

Luis: You shoulda backed down.

Luis: Go back to flight school.

Luis: Bail outta there, bitch.

Luis: You ain't fucking this golden bitch.

(More Annihilators arrive)

Luis: You sending more of them in here?

or:

Luis: You'd be advised to back off, bitches.

Luis: This ain't no fight you gonna win, motherfuckers.

(Luis destroys all the Annihilators following him)

Luis: This chopper's a motherfucking get outta jail free card.

or:

Luis: Lesson learned: the guy in the golden chopper ain't fucking around.

(Luis meets Tony at the helipad)

Tony: Hey, Lou, you're riding in style.

Luis: Yeah, man, I learnt the ancient art of understatement from you. Here are those rocks. Try to hold onto them this time.

Tony: Thanks. They'll go straight in the safe.

Luis: Yeah, sure. Right next to the emergency eight ball. I'll see you soon, T.

Post mission phone call

Yusuf: Luis!

Luis: Hey bro. Thanks for lending me the Buzzard. Love what you done with the paintwork. Real subtle. Stealth attack shit.

Yusuf: That's what I do, motherfucker. Sneak up on them bitches. Hide in the fucking sand, then pow! I'm a cobra. I'm a cobra in the sky, flying with my cobra wings. I'm the executive flying cobra. When I stick my tongue in you, you've know you've been poisoned. Errr, I'm glad I could be of assistance, anyway.

Luis: Well, exactly. Thanks. I appreciate it.

Failing the mission

Tony: What's happening, Lou? Where were you again?

Luis: I was supposed to be at the Libertonian getting them diamonds back. Remember>

Tony: Oh yeah. Mission accomplished?

Luis: Not quite. You gonna have to write that shit off as a loss, even if it means we're properly fucked now. Go to bed, T.

Buzzard destroyed

Yusuf: Luis, man, how's she fly?

Luis: Shit, Yusuf, that's the thing. She don't fly no more. The Buzzard had an accident.

Yusuf: Luis! After I got that custom paint job and everything?

Luis: I know. We'll try to get you another one. Later on, bro.