Practice Swing/Script

The following is a script of the mission Practice Swing in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Tony: Oh, where the fuck have you been, man?

Luis: Yeah, I came as soon as I could.

Tony: I don't pay for 'as soon as I could'. Sleeping with half the women in Liberty City, no doubt.

Luis: What's wrong with you, man? You're acting like an asshole.

Tony: You think I don't know that? You think I like being like this?

Luis: Then what's wrong, T?

Tony: I've fucked up. Good and proper. I work Algonquin nightlife twenty years. I beat everyone. Mayors, rivals, drugs, everyone. And this time, I've fucked up. I'm the only man in the history of this town with the hottest gay and straight clubs at the same time and I am about to lose everything.

Luis: What are you talking about, T?

Tony: I don't know if it's that idiot Evan, or the economy, or this fucking cocaine or the pills, which I am not taking anymore, but this time, I fucked up. I've done a deal with the wrong devil, man. I am such an idiot.

Luis: Things have been bad before, man: you get us out of it. I fight, you plot, together we get out of it.

Tony: Sure. But we've never been this fucked before.

Luis: Hey, you saved me, man, made me. Gay Tony will always be the king of this town. You are this town.

Tony: I sold the business to two different people and they each think they own the lot. Man, we're fucked.

Luis: So, I'll go tell them they gave you the money as a present, and if they don't like it, I take them to the special VIP room at the bottom of the West River.

Tony: It's going to be very crowded in the VIP room. These are not nice people and there's a lot of them, and right now, you and me have to go play nice with one of them so they don't start sending rent a goombah into the club. Fuck.

Luis: It's going to be okay, man.

Tony: Yeah, whatever. Meanwhile, there's a- there's this blogger, this nebbish with an internet connection, bad mouthing me all over town. Do you know this guy? "The Celebrinator"?

Luis: Celebre-what?

Tony: Whatever... Come on... Alright who's the girl?

Luis: There wasn't a girl, man.

Tony: There's always a girl.

Dialogue (Chinese Takeout not completed)

Tony: Head down to the pier. We're meeting Rock at the driving range.

or:

Tony: We're meeting Rocco at the driving range.

Luis: We doing something for Rocco? The kid who took your money?

Tony: Yes. One of the joys of getting old is being ordered around by people below the age of consent in Utah.

Luis: Don't you mean it's one of the joys of borrowing money you can't pay back?

Tony: He can take my money, blackmail me, put a gun to my head, but if I'm caught in bed with him it's me who goes to jail.

Luis: Rocco struck me as an insecure prick, but I didn't think he rolled like that.

Tony: He doesn't! I don't think at least. Do you think he does? All that pent up suburban hard man angst. The fake tan and muscles can be confusing.

Luis: Actually, he reminds me of Evan.

Tony: So sue me, I got a type.

Luis: Yeah. Sure. You could call crazy coke addict moron a type.

Tony: You been reading my Lovemeet profile? "Lonely old has been seeks crazy coke head with bulging orange biceps." Enjoy your youth, Luis. You don't appreciate it until it's over.

Luis: Oh yeah, I'll look back on these years of getting shots at and helping you clean up puke as the best times of my life.

Dialogue (Chinese Takeout complete)

Luis: Fucking Rocco! After what happened in Chinatown, please tell me we gonna take a nine iron to his legs.

Tony: You think I like running around for that little shit? There was a time when the name Tony Prince meant something downtown. If you think I signed up to be this boy scout mafioso's stooge with a big grin on my face...

Luis: Yeah, well, being his stooge's stooge ain't too much glamour neither.

Tony: Money makes a man do strange things. Pussy makes him do stranger things, but luckily I'm not susceptible to those perils like you are.

Luis: Toto don't get you killed nearly as much, if recent times is anything to go by.

Tony: Don't underestimate it, Luis. The snatch has brought down empires bigger than our own.

Luis: You should get some T-shirts made, T. Get out of the nightclub business and concentrate on your philosophical sayings.

(The two arrive at the driving range)

Tony: Let's go find him.

or:

Tony: Come on. He's in here.

(Luis and Tony find Rocco)

Rocco: Oh!

Tony: Rock. Hey. How are you?

Rocco: There they are. The spic and the fag. Tony, shit, you got burrito breath. You ain't been eating Mexican again have you?

Luis: Yo Rock, you've invested in the wrong clubs, man. Maybe Split Sides is more your vibe.

Rocco: Oh, baa da boom. I'm sure I woulda found that funny if I spoke spic. Real shame, I'll have to ask my maid to translate for me.

Tony: Rock, what do you need?

Rocco: I need you to help me get some information out of this union prick who's decided to get an over inflated opinion of himself. These fucking guys, stuck in the 1970s or something.

Tony: Where is he?

Rocco: He's right... down... there.

(Rocco hits a golf ball at the union official but misses)

Rocco: Fuck.

Union Official: You fucking missed me you, you piece of shit. Fucking prick.

Rocco: Oh, big man?

Union Official: Yeah yeah you fuck, you missed me bitch.

Rocco: I'm gonna get down there and go talk to him.

Union Official: You missed. You swing like a fag.

Rocco: You hit him with some balls when I tell you to. You think you can do that for me, Louise?

Luis: Yeah, I'll give it a try.

(Rocco hands the golf club to Luis and heads down to the union official)

Luis: What we doing, man?

Tony: We're keeping our most important investor happy. Just hit it already.

(If Luis hits the official with a golf ball)

Union Official: Shit.

Union Official: Gu-huh. Ow!

Union Official: Uff.

Union Official: Fuuhh!

Union Official: Guh!

Union Official: Arghh.

Rocco: That a boy.

Rocco: Fore!

Rocco: Ouch!

Rocco: Whah bah booom!

Rocco: There ya go.

Rocco: Yesh!

Rocco: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(If Luis misses)

Rocco: You Dominicans is meant to be athletes.

Rocco: I thought they bred you tacos for sports.

Rocco: I hope you didn't miss on purpose there.

Rocco: Get your fucking eye in, Lou.

Rocco: You people is more suited to being caddies. Shit.

Rocco: You pulled it.

Rocco: You ever swung one of those things before? For Christ's sake!

Tony: Bend the knees. It's all in the knees.

Tony: Breathe, Lou. Remember to breathe.

Tony: Now concentrate.

Tony: Eye on the ball.

Tony: Smoothly does it. Come on now.

Tony: You're not going to win any tour championships, that's for sure.

Luis: Thanks, man.

Luis: You wanna step up, be my guest.

Luis: You my fucking caddy?

Luis: Shut up a second.

Luis: Enough of the commentary.

Luis: How am I supposed to hit it with you in my ear?

(Luis hits the official with a golf ball)

Rocco: Who ain't playing ball then? Give it up.

or:

Rocco: Tell us who's causing problems already.

Rocco: You gonna tell me who's holding out?

Union Official: There's a guy works at Libel, the foreman on the Columbus Avenue job. He's the guy holding this up.

or:

Union Official: Alright, alright. The other family's got Libel in their pocket. The foreman on the Columbus site's their boy.

Union Official: Alright. Okay. Mel Toblowsky with Libel says he ain't gonna comply. He's working down Columbus Avenue.

Rocco: Okay... so far.

or:

Rocco: I ain't letting you off that easy.

Rocco: You got more than that. I know it.

Union Official: That's it. Let me fucking go already.

or:

Union Official: I told you all I know.

Union Official: Fuck you, alright? Fuck you, there ain't nothing else.

(Rocco drives the cart away)

Luis: Why's he moving it?

Tony: Damned if I know.

or:

Luis: What's he doing moving the cart?

Tony: He might just like driving it. He still is JUST a brat after all.

Luis: Don't Rocco have someone else to hit the batting cage for him?

Tony: You've met the guy, haven't you? I can't imagine he's got too many friends.

(Luis hits the official with a second golf ball)

Rocco: Who else? Come on!

or:

Rocco: You and I both know that ain't it.

Rocco: Gimme the rest of them, you piece of shit.

Union Official: I hear Jack Duffy with the TWU might be with them. Okay, now fuck off already.

or:

Union Official: Shit! Jack Duffy's their guy with the Transport Workers Union. Okay?

Union Official: Alright, okay, okay, Jack Duffy, with the Transport Workers. He's getting fat off the other guys.

Rocco: This don't add up.

or:

Rocco: So, you got those two guys...

Rocco: Let me see now.

Union Official: I told you enough already.

or:

Union Official: Let me go!

Union Official: Untie me now, asshole.

(Rocco moves the cart again)

Luis: Rock should get a job at this place.

or:

Luis: He must like driving that thing.

Luis: Can someone tell Rocco there's no reason to move it?

Luis: Rocco the Sunday Driver.

Luis: There he goes again.

Tony: Where'd you learn to play golf, Lou?

Luis: Right here. Right now. Needs must, Tone. To be honest, I never fancied the game. I find the clothes you have to wear kind of unflattering.

(Luis hits the union official with a third golf ball)

Rocco: There's got to be someone higher up. Give 'em to me!

or:

Rocco: There's got to be more than just those two!

Rocco: That ain't it. You and me know, that ain't it!

Union Official: This comes from right up top. The head of the LTA! He's in with the Messinas so you can't do shit.

or:

Union Official: This is way over your head, dickwad. The head of the LTA is with the Messinas. You can't do nothing.

Union Official: You fucking assholes. The head of the LTA is with the Messinas. There's no way you're gonna get those contracts.

Union Official: You guys are fucked, okay? The Messinas are gonna be all over your ass.

or:

Union Official: Any moment now my protection's gonna show and you guys are screwed.

Union Official: They know where I am, assholes. I wouldn't wanna be you.

Rocco: We gonna do something about that.

or:

Rocco: You think that means shit to me? Fuck you.

Rocco: You motherfucker.

(Members of the Messina Family enter the golf course and try to kill Rocco)

Rocco: I'm fucked! Help me!

or:

Rocco: Shit. Gimme a fucking hand here.

Rocco: Fuck. Get down here, Taco!

Tony: I don't want to think about the trouble we'll be in if they kill Rocco. Let's get down there.

or:

Tony: I guess we got to go help Rocco.

Tony: Much as it pains me, we better get down there.

(If Luis lingers)

Tony: Get down there, Lou. What are you waiting for?

Tony: Get down there. We're fucked if Rocco gets killed.

Tony: Rocco's gonna be pissed if you're not down there soon.

Tony: Anything happens to Rock, we'll be blamed. We gotta go, Lou.

(Luis goes to help Rocco)

Tony: Shit. Is it safe out there.

or:

Tony: No use us all getting killed.

Tony:I don't know if I should go out, Lou.

Luis: Fine. Stay there 'til it's safe.

or:

Luis: I'll handle these guys. Keep in cover.

Luis: Okay. Stay back, Tone.

Tony: In case you were wondering, I'm not enjoying this any more.

Tony: You need anything, just shout.

Tony: How's it going out there?

Tony: You guys, okay?

Luis: Screw you.

Luis: What's wrong with you slick haired Momma's boys?

Luis: You ain't killing us for this shit.

Luis: Just let us get outta here.

Union Official: SHIT.

Union Official: SHIT. LET ME GO.

Union Official: DON'T FUCKING KILL ME.

Union Official: I DON'T WANNA DIE.

Union Official: HELP!

Union Official: HELP ME! HELP ME!

Union Official: JESUS CHRIST.

Union Official: ASSHOLES!

Union Official: OH FUCK.

Union Official: LEMME GO.

Rocco: This is just some innocent golf shit.

Rocco: You ain't got sanction for this.

Rocco: Kill the Mex and the Homo if you gotta kill someone.

Rocco: Blow me!

Rocco: Fuck off!

Rocco: You don't wanna be fucking with me.

Rocco: I'm a made guy.

Rocco: We was just havin' a discussion.

(Luis kills the Messinas)

Luis: Tony, come on. Let's go.

or:

Luis: We good, Tone. Come out.

Luis: Tony, let's move.

(Rocco, Luis and Tony get in their golf carts and flee the area)

Tony: Rocco's going. Follow him.

or:

Tony: Follow Rocco.

Tony: Keep after Rock!

Tony: Get away from them. Follow Rock.

Luis: Yo, Rocco, you piece of shit, what you get us into?

Tony: Shut up, Lou! He didn't mean anything by it.

Tony: We might just make it. Go. Go.

Tony: What have I got us into?

Tony: They might be able to catch this thing on foot. Drive!

Tony: Hit the gas, Lou.

Tony: Go. Go already.

Tony: How are we meant to outrun them in this thing?

Tony: I don't want to die in a golf cart.

Tony: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tony: We're fucked.

Tony: Come on. Put some distance behind us.

Tony: Push it, Lou. Come on. We're nowhere near top speed in this thing.

Luis: Oh really, Tone? When did you become the golf buggy specialist?

Tony: Oh I don't know. Just get us out of here and shut up.

Tony: How'd we get into this situation?

Luis: Running away from mobsters in a motherfucking golf cart? I think you got us here, T. Thanks for that. Death with dignity, nice.

Rocco: Oh, you cocksucker.

Rocco: What the fuck is with these fucks?

Rocco: Fuck you.

Rocco: Fuck off.

(One of the Messina trucks crashes)

Tony: One of them's crashed.

or:

Tony: We only got one behind us now. Thank Moses.

Tony: They're all over us.

(The second Messina truck crashes)

Tony: They crashed. Hit it, Lou.

or:

Tony: That's it. Go. Go. Go. We might be in the clear.

Tony: That's it. We're clear!

Luis: Yo, T. I just love your new friends. Fucking fantastic guys.

Tony: Thanks, Lou. Sweet of you to say so.

Tony: That's it. We're clear!

or:

Tony: I think we lost them.

(Luis parks his golf cart next to Rocco's.)

Tony: That was a pleasant outing, Rock. Where's that put us with you know what? We square?

(If the Union Official is alive)

Rocco: Square? What you borrowed? At those points? You ain't even making a dent on the interest. Besides, I'm about to have to do all the messy work on this guy myself.

Union Official: No! But I-I-I told you shit. I told you everything.

Rocco: I'll see you girls later.

Union Official: Jesus.

(If the Union Official is killed)

Rocco: You ain't even making a dent on the interest and muscles over there killed our friend.

Luis: Hey yo, I didn't kill him, I might be about to kill you in a second though.

Rocco: Keep your dog on a leash, Tony. See you ladies later.

Tony: Come on. Let's head back to the apartment.

or:

Tony: Let's just head back to the apartment.

(Luis takes Tony back to his apartment)

Luis: Hey you know, I'm really warming to that guy. Like a bad case of crabs.

Tony: Crabs are easier to get rid of. Believe me on that one.

Luis: Thank you for sharing.

Tony: We're business partners, we share everything.

Luis: The emphasis is on business, bro. You can keep your crabs to yourself.

Tony: Sorry, man, but I really got us in the shit here, Luis.

Luis: Tony, man, you got to calm down. You're really pushing it.

Tony: Yeah, well, if you weren't out chasing tail, and this was a two man operation like it should be, then maybe things would be holding together, better.

Luis: Oh! I'm getting blamed for this now? Oh of course. Whenever I come to the clubs you ask me to run off on some stupid errand like a chump. You don't ever let me into the serious shit. And you do deals without even telling me. Until it comes time to protect your ass from whoever you got your fatwa of the day from.

Tony: Alright. Alright. Maybe I have taken you for granted. I'll change. I'll be better.

Luis: Yeah, thank you, but I don't believe it.

(Luis and Tony arrive at the apartment)

Luis: Here we are, bro. Rest up okay.

Tony: Listen, Lou, would you mind paying Mori a visit. He says he needs help with something. I know he's a bit of schmuck, but we owe the man money and I don't want him anywhere near the clubs.

Luis: I feel you there, T. That guy is a social atom bomb. I'll go see him.

Alternate dialogue

Luis: You know what we're needed for at the driving range?

Tony: I don't actually. The kid might just want some company. Can you blame him?

Luis: Yeah, I can. I got better things to be doing than babysitting the snot nosed prick.

Tony: Really now? Because some of the girls I seen you with, I could swear their parents must have signed consent forms.

Luis: Oh, funny shit. One of the benefits of running a club is a thorough ID check on any potential interaction.

Tony: Thank the fun police for that little jail dodger. When are you going to settle down, Luis? Spreading all that seed of yours has got to get exhausting, never mind messy.

Luis: Tone, you mind if we don't discuss my seed and what I do with it? Shit, if you and Evan is an example of a long-term relationship, I'm going to steer clear.

Tony: What happened to that Margot girl, anyway? She was nice. Or that English one, Rose, wasn't it?

Luis: It was Daisy, bro. How you know about that shit, anyway?

Tony: I know everything that happens in the clubs. I may be a washed up old has been, but I pay attention.

Luis: You SEEK attention. I'll give you that.

Tony: Thank you.

(Luis takes Tony back to his apartment)

Luis: Wow. What a champ. I love that guy.

Tony: Sarcasm. Great. Just what I need right now. The world is crashing down around us, the wolves are baying for blood, and the guy who's meant to be my rock has become a bitter and cynical prick.

Luis: Shit, I'm sorry. I'll stick to blind optimism. Everything's gonna turn out just perfect, because Tony says so, and he never makes mistakes.

Tony: Again with the sarcasm. It's really beneath you.

Luis: Listen, Tone. Maybe you should take a holiday. Get down to Vice City. The Caribbean maybe. Let me handle things for a while. At least until we get out of this shit.

Tony: You think you're ready for that? You know who to grease when the licenses expire, or the city goes on a noise control push, or we need to file a tax return?

Luis: I ain't never handled that shit, but it can't be that tough.

Tony: Good idea. Let's have you put us out of business. I may have dumped us in the crap but sadly, for you and ME, I'm the only one who knows how to keep us from drowning in it.

(Tony and Luis follow Rocco out of the golf course)

Tony: This is a new Tony Prince you got here, K. Not that gunshy pussy you shleped through Chinatown.

or:

Tony: Okay, I'm helping with the shooting this time. You can't carry me through this like you did in Dim Sum Plaza.

Tony: Don't worry, L. I ain't gonna chicken out on you like I did in Chinatown.

Failing the mission

Tony's car destroyed

Tony: I guess I got to go car shopping, and before you suggest it, I'm not gonna let you "boost" one for me.

Luis: Alright, bro, cool. I mean shit, if you don't wanna save money. Car jacking makes economical sense, that's all. Later.

Rocco dies

Luis: What a fucking tragedy. He'll be sadly missed.

Tony: Yeah. Keep that smile on your face until after the whole Ancelotti family comes down on us. Shit, I'm not nearly medicated enough to contemplate what might happen next. See ya, Lou.

Rocco's golf cart destroyed

Tony: Here's to another failed endeavor, Lou.

Luis: Something's gonna have to go our way soon, Tone. I can feel it. See you soon, okay.

Tony dies

Rocco: Oh! The big guy's fucked his last ass. I'm just about holding back the tears.

Luis: Yeah you'll be holding back more than that, you fucking prick. Any debt Tony had died with him. Get the fuck out of here.

Golf cart destroyed

Rocco: Never trust a Mex to do a man's job. That's what my mamma taught me.

Luis: Right before she taught you how to suck a dick, Rocco? Get out a here.

Tony abandoned

Tony: Luis! Where the fuck are you?

Luis: I left you to it, T. I thought you could handle this on your own. Sorry, bro.

Tony: I can't handle anything on my own. It's amazing I don't ask you to come take a piss for me. Shit! Thanks a lot, partner.

Rocco abandoned

Luis: So, we lost Rocco, but I'm thinking he'll come find us soon enough.

Tony: He's not going to be happy, either. I've got a feeling the prick's about to become even more insufferable.