Don Peyote: Difference between revisions

(CJ is outside the casino. His phone rings.)

CJ: Hello.

The Truth: Who am I speaking to?

CJ: It's CJ. Hey, Truth, is that you?

The Truth: Might be. Might be a government algorithm trying to pick your brains, so don't admit anything!

CJ: Whatever, man. Whassup?

The Truth: I need a favour, Carl, thought I could cash in some karma chips.

CJ: Your credit good.

The Truth: I took some fellow travellers deep into the desert on a peyote safari a few nights back. We faced the inner light and communed with the lizard king.

CJ: Sounds fun. How did it go?

The Truth: That's the problem, I don't know. I'm in Los Santos. I woke up in a Japanese bathhouse about an hour ago. I have no idea how I got here or where the others are.

CJ: They're probably fine.

The Truth: I don't think so. They were Brits - a band and their managers. They have no experience about the desert.

CJ: OK, where'd you make camp? I can go have a look.

The Truth: I took 'em up Arco del Oeste - fantastic sunsets. Best start looking for them up there.

(CJ is in the desert. Maccer and Paul are laid out on the ground somewhere.)

CJ: Hello? Hey, anybody out here? Truth sent me!

Maccer: EH! Over 'ere!

CJ: Hey, man, you all right?

Maccer: 'Kin' 'ell, I'm fucking hanging.

Paul: Stone me bloody crows. Where am I?

Maccer: I dunno, mate. I was having a dream; I was wanking over some fat bird's tits when this twat turned up.

Paul: Maccer, you fucking psycho! You did it again, didn't you!

Maccer: That peyote was shite, you were lucky I brought some tabs along!

Paul: I've told you a million times not to put stuff in my fucking drink!

Maccer: Oh, piss off, kidder!

Paul: Who are you again?

CJ: Oh, I'm a friend of The Truth's. He said you guys might need a ride into town or something.

Maccer: But I'm a fucking raspberry!

Paul: You're not a fucking raspberry!

Maccer: I can't feel me legs, our P. I've wanked the use out of them!

Paul: Just stand up, you soppy cunt. We go through this every weekend.

(Maccer tries to stand up.)

Maccer: Ah! Ooh!

CJ: Man, what the hell was y'all doing last night?

Maccer: Anybody got a rag?

(Paul hands Maccer a rag. CJ turns away and sighs disgustedly.)

CJ: So, where am I taking y'all?

Paul: I've got a pal, Rosie. He's got some casino gig going down in Venturas. Sweet.

CJ: Alright.

(Maccer goes to hand Paul the rag back.)

Paul: Fuck off, string.

Maccer: Oh, charming.

CJ: Alright, ladies, let's go.

Paul: Come on. Fucking Northerners...

Maccer: Well, it felt like I couldn't feel them, honest!

(CJ, Maccer and Paul are walking towards the Snake Farm. There are two hillbillies standing outside the Snake Farm.)

CJ: Here we are, look familiar?

Maccer:  Looks just like Salford to me...

Paul: What are you talking about?

Hillbilly 1: Take a gander at 'em fellas, is that 'em?

Hillbilly 2: That there city boy has gone and been with my prize hog! Now I don't even get no sugar from her!

(Two more hillbillies come around the corner. A man and a woman.)

Hillbilly 3: And that one done screwed my sis! I've had a terr'ble aching in my grinds ever since!

Hillbilly Woman: I'm gonna slap you silly for giving me and my fella the red bumpies!

Hillbilly 3: What'n tarnation? I'm a fixing to give ya a whoopin' for what you gone and done to my young 'uns!

(If the hillbillies follow CJ, Maccer and Paul to Caligula's Casino, then CJ, Maccer and Paul, along with the hillbillies in their vehicle, pull up outside Caligula's casino.)

CJ: Shit, here comes them snake farmers! Alright, I've had enough! Let's finish this!

(The hillbillies aproach CJ, Maccer and Paul.)

Maccer: Oh, I'm gonna grab some big tits, man!

Paul: Oh, bollocks. In for a penny, in for a pound.

(CJ, Maccer and Paul are walking towards Caligula's Casino.)

Paul: Come on then, let's go in and see Rosie.

(Rosie is in his room inside Caligula's Casino. There is a knock at the door. Rosie's assistant opens the door to CJ, Maccer and Paul.)

Paul: Kent Paul, here to see Rosie.

Assistant: Hey boss, there's somebody here to see you.

Rosie: Oh, go away, I have a migraine.

Paul: Oi, Rosie, son, it's me, Paulo!

Rosie: Oh, God. My despair is complete. OK, let him in.

Paul: Rosiiieee! How are you, me old son?

Rosie: I pray that one day I can escape my perpetual torment and retire in peace and comfort a million miles away from anyone I've ever fucking known, instead, I get this.

Paul: Come on, it's me, Kent Paul!

Rosie: Well, hello, Paul, what a pleasant surprise. Who the hell are these guys?

Paul: These are my boys - Maccer and Carl.

CJ: Whassup?

Maccer: You want any Speckled Doves, boss? I'm peaking on one right now. Top-of-the-range, man.

Rosie: Well it's fitting. As I sit here up to my neck in a river of shit, with every Mafia gorilla from Liberty City to Los Santos pissing in my face, that you, Kent Paul, should witness it.

Paul: What's the matter, son?

Rosie: Too numerous, oppressively insurmountable and depressingly fucking typical even to mention.

Paul: It's alright, bruv, Paulo can help. Give us some space would you, son. I'll give you a tinkle later.

CJ: Alright, for sure.

Paul: Not you, Maccer.

Maccer: Oh, you twat.

Paul: Unbelievable.

(CJ is outside Caligula's Casino. He phones Woozie.)

CJ: Hey Woozie. I think I found a way to scope Caligula's without causing too much suspicion. We can talk later.