Waste Not Want Knots/Script

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The following is a script of the mission Waste Not Want Knots in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Script

Patrick: ...so the plan was they were gonna hide the diamonds in the Queen's ass!

Kate: Oh, hey, Niko.

Niko: Hey, Kate.

Patrick: Get your fucking hands off my fucking sister, boy...

Kate: We're talking, not having casual sex, Patrick... I pray after the amount of practice you've had you'd know the difference.

Patrick: Sure, I know the difference. One leaves you feeling sad and empty and alone... and the other's casual sex!

Kate: Then I am quite sure you and mister Niko here will have fun on your 'play date'.

Maureen: Kate!

Kate: Coming, Ma... you boys play nice, now...

Patrick: For sure.

Maureen: Kate!

Kate: Okay!

Patrick: Oh, we're gonna play real nice... They're clean as a fuckin' whistle. One previous owner... safely driven... ready for action. We got an opportunity, my boy.

Michael: Yep. Fortune favors the brave.

Gordon: Gotta make hay while the sun shines.

Patrick: So is you down, boy, or is you out?

Niko: Down for what?

Michael: Down for robbing a thief...

Gordon: Robin Hood!

Patrick: Exactly, Robin fuckin' Hood...

Niko: Who are you going to rob?

Patrick: The fucking Mafia, boy.

Niko: Is the money good? What's the risk?

Patrick: Well, the risk is... we all die a very slow and painful death. And the money is good, very good indeed.

Gordon: So you in, big guy? Or are we gonna have to kill you?

Niko: Well... since you put that way, I'm in.

Patrick: Good, let's go.

Michael: Alright, alright, let's go. Let's do this.

Dialogue

Patrick: Can you get us a car, man? I'm afraid these two idiots can't drive for shit.

Michael: Fuck you, Packie.

Gordon: Yeah, fuck yuz.

Patrick: Take us out to the waste management plant under the Algonquin Bridge on Colony Island, big man.

Niko: A Mafia controlled waste management plant?

Patrick: You fuckin' guessed it. It's an Ancelotti operation. Ray tipped us off about a big payoff they just got. A fat cash payoff.

Michael: Ancelottis, eh? I can't tell none of those wop families apart. Ancelottis, Gambinos, Pecorinos.

Patrick: It's the fucking Pegorinos, man. We're workin for them. Pecorino's a type a cheese. Pegorinos is a bunch of guido gangsters outta Alderney.

Niko: They're all Mafia though?

Patrick: Course they are. Cosa Nostra and all that shit. Our family used to be bigger than all them Mafia families put together. Back in the day, that is.

Gordon: Not this shit again. I heard this speech a million times. The McRearys ran the city. People was scared to say their name let alone come near their place in Purgatory. Life was great. We were in charge.

Patrick: It's fucking true. I'd like to hear you tell Gerald that it's a boring story. Me brother wouldn't take too kindly to that now would he? You know that Purgatory is called what it is because people were so scared of the McRearys. Did you know that, Niko?

Gordon: It's called that because people found the McRearys' stories so fuckin' boring. Listening to them was like being in Purgatory.

Patrick: Fuck you, Gordon. I'll fucking come back there and kick your fucking ass in am minute.

Niko: I hear that Francis McReary is your brother.

Patrick: Fucking Frankie, my brother. He may have a badge, but I tell you for a fact he's as crooked as the rest of us McRearys. More so. At least we ain't fucking hypocrites. Kate's the only decent one.

Niko: I can believe that.

Patrick: You know Frankie do ya? I got a story for you if you do.

Gordon: Another fucking story.

Patrick: Shut up, Gordon. So, Niko, when Francis and Gerald was growing up, Frankie becomes an altar boy. He swears to this day that he wanted to serve the Lord. Gerry knows the truth though. He only put on that cassock so he could pocket the change in the collection plate. Fact. That's Francis down to a fucking T. I don't even know if he realizes what a crook he is.

Niko: That sounds like the Francis McReary I met.

Patrick: I bet. Model community leader, my ass.

Gordon: You're just worried he'll start clamping down on you, ain't ya Packie?

Patrick: I'd like to see him try it. Not gonna happen with the things Gerry knows.

(The four arrive at the waste plant)

Patrick: Here we are boys, moment of fucking truth. Alright boys, if Ray is correct then the money's going to be kept in the office in the main building. And there should be a boat docked out back for the getaway. Alright, it's up and over the fence. Niko, stick fucking close to me.

or:

Patrick: Don't to too fucking far, Niko.

(The four kill all the Ancelottis outside)

Patrick: Alright boys, let's go inside and find this money.

Niko: Hey Packie, I'll go get the money. Cover me, will you?

(Niko grabs the money)

Niko: Okay kids, I got the cash. Shit! Looks like we're not the only ones after it.

Patrick: There's got to be a pizza parlor on this island coz I ain't never seen so many Italians. Out the back, boys. Gordon, Michael. You hold these boys back while me and Niko make a swim for it with the money.

Michael: We'll see you back at the house, Packie.

Gordon: Try to keep the money dry, won't ya? I don't know how my bookie's gonna be about wet notes...

(Niko and Patrick exit the back of the plant)

Niko: Swimming for it, eh?

Patrick: Sure, me boy. There's the boat just out there. I'll race ya.

(If Niko doesn't get in the water)

Patrick: If ya want a pair of armbands you ain't gonna find them there. Get in.

Patrick: Scared of the water are we, Niko?

Patrick: What you got to worry about? There's only every virus known to man floating about in this river. Come on.

(The two swim to the boat)

Patrick: Can you drive a boat? You got to this fine country in a boat didn't ya, Niko?

Niko: That don't mean I can drive one. Fuck it though, I'll give it a try.

Patrick: That was fucking beautiful. We did ourselves proud. My brother Gerry is going to be fucking ecstatic.

Niko: Providing the Ancelottis don't figure out it was us that ripped them off.

Patrick: Don't fucking worry about it. They'll just figure it was another one of the five families. Us McRearys are under the fucking radar nowadays. It ain't a problem.

Niko: I hope you're right for my sake.

Patrick: Shut up and think about the money. If that don't work, think about my sister. I tell you though, you're only getting your hands on one of those things, you maniac, and it ain't going to be my Katie.

Niko: I'll think about the money then.

Patrick: What a trooper.

(Niko takes Patrick to safety)

Patrick: We did it. Top of the fucking world. Here's your share. Don't go spending it in any Italian restaurants.

Niko: I'll see you soon, Packie.

Alternate dialogue

Niko: Packie, you hang out in some strange places. First you take me to a fish market and now a waste plant.

Gordon: It looks like he ain't too pleased with the dates you been taking him on, Patrick. You got to learn how to treat a man right.

Patrick: Shut it, Gordo. Ray's given us a tip off about a big payment the Ancelottis just got. We're all gonna do real well outta this.

Niko: These places are messed up. I think this Ray guy is fucking with you.

Patrick: No one's fucking with me, Niko. This is how things work here. The whole city is turning into a fucking theme park. Only places an honest criminal can make any money are the shit holes.

Gordon: I think they're fucking with ya, Packie. They're laughing at ya.

Patrick: You think they're having a laugh with Gerald, Gordo? You think even these Alderney guidos would have the balls to do that?

Gordon: Them guidos use you for what they like, if the Peg asked Gerald to wipe his ass he probably would.

Michael: What's that say about you then, Gordo? If you're taking orders from Packie.

Gordon: That don't mean shit.

Patrick: Fucking with us or not, these jobs pay the bills, don't they?

Michael: The only thing they're doing for Gordon is keeping the bookies off his back for another week. How much you lose on that Swingers game last week?

Gordon: That shit was rigged. I got screwed in the ninth damn inning. A guy who bats on-fifty hits a three run homer. Bullshit!

Patrick; Don't go dropping too much green after this. If the Ancelottis hear we've been spending it up they might finger us for this job. If that happens, the bookies will be the least of your worries.

Michael: Don't trouble yourself about me, Packie. I'm sitting on my money. Not gonna throw it at the bookies like Gordon over here. I'm saving it up so...

Patrick: I don't give a shit what you're doing with your cut. All I care about is you holding up your end on the job.

Gordon: You shouldn't save too much, Michael. You never know, you might get hit by a bus tomorrow.

Patrick: Nah, not St. Michael here.

Niko: My cousin, Roman, he has this gambling problem as well. Can't have a dollar in his pocket without spending it at a card game.

Patrick: Are these his dollars he's spending, or yours?

Niko: What's mine is his. We are cousins.

Post mission phone call

Patrick

Patrick: Niko man. Look, I ain't a pimp or nothing.

Niko: What're you talking about, man?

Patrick: I'm saying, wold you take my sister, Katie, out for a drink or something? She don't get out much and she sure as hell don't go on dates. We're starting to worry. She likes you, just as friends, I'm gonna send you her number.

Niko: I'll give her a call man, but I don't think she'll wanna see me.

Patrick: Trust me, she will. Call her, man.

Failing the mission

Patrick dies

Michael: Packie's fucking bought it. What am I gonna tell his brother? Shit.

Gordon dies

Patrick: Fucking Gordon got himself hit. We should regroup at the house.

Michael dies

Patrick: Dammit, Michael's down. I'm ghosting.

Michael and Gordon die

Patrick: Both of me boys is gone. I got to re-evaluate this shit.

Boat is destroyed

Patrick: Good fucking going. How were we supposed to get that money outta there if our getaway boat gets trashed before we're even on board?

Unused dialogue

(Dialogue which isn't heard in-game)

Patrick: A whole lot to learn. I only wish I had the time to teach you.

Michael: Ahh, fuck. It's a massacre. This ain't gonna be easy to explain.

Patrick: All that money floating in the Humboldt River.

Patrick: Alright, we're heading over to the docks in Dukes. Make it happen.

Gordon: Be cool man!

Niko: Christ, Niko. What the fuck?

Patrick: Come on, Niko, use your head. There are four of us.

Patrick: Don't worry about Gordo and Mikey, they ain't gonna have no troubles. You'll get your share.

Gordon: Fuck, Packie's down. I ain't hanging around.

Michael: Gordo's down. This ain't good. I'm outta here.

Niko: I am not so familiar with these English phrases, but isn't that meant to mean something was easy?

Niko: I don't care so much about us, as long as the money makes it home safe.

Patrick: I like your attitude, Niko. I think we're gonna keep getting on real well.

Patrick: If you think I'm letting one of these reprobates sit on my knee, you're crazy.

Patrick: I'm goin' up to get the cash. Cover me, Niko.

Patrick: It makes me stick to me damn stomach. See you, Niko.

Michael: It'd be my fucking pleasure. See you at your ma's.

Patrick: I've got it boys. Prettiest thing I seen in all me days. I'll tell you that.

Patrick: Michael, Gordo watch our backs. Make sure none of these wops tries to come up behind us.

Patrick: Michael, Gordon tries anything you fucking shoot him. Understand?

Gordon: Michael's out. Does anyone know where he keeps his cash? Fuck it, I'm gone.

Gordon: Mikey, maybe you and me should take this cash down to Vice City. Have some fun.

Patrick: Nicely done, me boy. Nicely done. Like taking candy from a baby.

Patrick: Niko... Jesus.

Niko: Okay, if you say you are right, you are right.

Patrick: See you soon, Niko.

Gordon: Shit, the boys is dead. I ain't hanging around. Later, Niko.

Patrick: Shit, you've sunk it. Looks like we're swimming to Dukes.

Michael: Sure thing, Packie.

Patrick: That's got to be the office up there. I can smell the fucking money.

Gordon: Watch out!

Patrick: We made it, Niko. Who'd a thought we'd fucking survive that?

Patrick: What are you doing?

Patrick: What do ya fucking call this? Get us a car we can all fit in.

Patrick: What the hell have you done? I thought you were a damn sailor?

Niko: When taking candy from babies you are not meant to have to kill a load of their employees.

Gordon: Why are we always waitin' for you?

Patrick: Why'd you have to go and sink it? Now we're swimming to Dukes.

Patrick: You guys take the money and meet me back at Ma's. Me and Niko are taking a swim.

Patrick: You have a lot to learn about the English language, my friend.

Gordon: You're trusting us with the money?