...Blog This!/Script

Pre mission phone call

Luis: T, bro, what's happening?

Tony: I've organized that face-to-face with our good friend the Celebinator.

Luis: Oh shit. We gonna show him a good time?

Tony: Yeah. I thought we could persuade him that we're not such bad guys after all. He's meeting us at the Heliport on the West River - we're taking him out on a tour of the city.

Luis: I wouldn't miss this. See you there, T.

Script

(Luis arrives at the heliport)

Tony: Get in, Lou. Don't worry, I didn't forget about the vertigo, I got you a chute.

or:

Tony: You nearly missed the fun, L. Come on board, grab your chute. He's so fucking paranoid, this one.

Tony: All aboard, Lou! Here's that chute you wanted, you really gotta get over that fear of flying.

Luis: Okay, man. Whatever you say.

or:

Luis: I don't know what you talking about, but thanks.

Luis: You confusing the shit out of me, Tony.

(Luis enters the helicopter)

Tony: I thought we'd start over the Statue of Happiness. Take us up.

or:

Tony: Let's go. First on the agent is a trip over Happiness Island. Get us some altitude!

Tony: Let's show our friend a view of the city. Take us up above Happiness Island.

Tony: Luis, meet our new friend, the Celebinator.

Celebinator: Pleased to make your acquaintance.

Luis: Yo. Do you got, like , a real name? Or do I got to call you the whatsit?

Celebinator: This is a guise I wear in public. I'd prefer it if you'd call me the Celebinator.

Luis: Okay.

Celebinator: It's a lovely helicopter you've got here, Tony.

Tony: I'd love to say this was mine, but I'm just borrowing it off a rich friend of mine, Mr. Yusuf Amir. He let us use it because it's such a special occasion.

Celebinator: This is a very grown up gesture of yours. I thought it'd be just tit for tat from here on in.

Luis: What you mean "tit for tat"? You just started insulting us on your website. We ain't done shit to you.

Celebinator: I'm not naive, Luis. The Derriere launch? Maisonette's fifth birthday? You left me off the list, it was a deliberate snub.

Luis: What are you talking about? We'd never even met you.

Celebinator: I was on the scene, Luis. Fuck it. I am the scene. Me! Moi! Leaving me off them lists, it was a declaration of war. So I fucking brought it.

Luis: You one deluded motherfucker, man. Having a website doesn't make you the scene.

Tony: Not now, Lou. We're trying to charm him.

Celebinator: So, it's time you asked what it's going to take to get me off your backs.

Tony: Excellent. Blackmail is a language I know only too well.

Celebinator: Your problem's that you think you're operating in a vacuum. The blogs are just as important a part of the ecosphere as the clubs. I write a blueprint that you should follow. The Celebinator creates taste.

Tony: Does he now? I'd never thought of it that way.

Celebinator: The stars, the designers, the club owners I make your jobs easier by telling you what to do.

Tony: It's a thankless task.

(Luis flies above Happiness Island)

Tony: Show our friend the sights, L. I'll take the controls.

Celebinator: You really don't have to show me anything. I've blogged every inch of this town.

Luis: You know what, I don't think you ever seen Liberty City like this.

Celebinator: What's he doing, Tony. Help.

Celebinator: This is a fucking scandal.

Celebinator: You're a fuckin' disgrace.

Celebinator: Shit. Fuckin' please.

Celebinator: Why are you doing this? I'm a nice person.

Celebinator: You can't do this to me. I'm a celebrity.

Celebinator: There's something wrong with ya.

Celebinator: Eeek! Eeek!

Celebinator: This isn't happening...

Celebinator: I'm just a fucking blogger. I didn't mean anything.

Celebinator: Please. My fans will miss me so much.

Celebinator: I won't be treated like this. I won't!

Celebinator: Please. No.

Celebinator: Oh fuck, fuck, shit.

Celebinator: Fuck, no, arghh, fuck.

Tony: Celebinate this, you disgusting little homunculus.

Tony: People are gonna thank us when he's gone, Lou.

Tony: We got too many bloggers in this town already. Drop him.

Tony: The world ain't gonna miss a blogger.

Tony: I bet he's squirming now.

Tony: He scared, Lou?

Tony: You thought you could play us, you arrogant fuck!

Tony: Ask him what's gonna be in tomorrow's update?

Tony: How's the horrible little weasel doing?

Tony: Schmooze him for me, Lou.

(Luis begins to intimidate the Celebinator)

Luis: Who the big bad blogger now, huh?

Luis: You a long way from the blogosphere, motherfucker.

Luis: You pig-ugly motherfucker.

Luis: Come back here.

Luis: Your blogs don't mean shit.

Luis: How you liking your tour, bitch?

Luis: Where's that influence now, bro?

Luis: I think you slipping.

Luis: You ain't so tough without your keyboard, are you?

Luis: You think we'd kiss your ass? You really are crazy.

Luis: I'm sorry. Did I just hurt you?

Luis: Who's the big man now, huh?

Luis: Be careful up here, bitch.

Luis: You think you important? You ain't shit.

Luis: This how we do tit for tat where I'm from.

Luis: Bye, bye, birdie.

or:

Luis: You should lose some pounds, bro. You too fucking heavy.

Luis: Fun's over, man. Have a nice life.

(Luis throws the Celebinator out of the helicopter)

Tony: Go get him, Lou.

or:

Tony: He's an ass, but you gotta save him.

Tony: Get after him, L.

(Luis catches him)

Celebinator: Am I dead? I'm dead, aren't I? Oh balls. Oh bollocks.

Luis: You ain't dead, man. You getting a second chance at life. You a fucking miracle.

Celebinator: Never...want to leave... the fucking ground again?

Luis: Now this would make a good blog, wouldn't it?

Celebinator: I never want to blog ever again. I fucking hate the internet!

Luis: Ain't this been a nice little outing?

Celebinator: It's not been nice. Not nice at all...

Celebinator: Baaaaah.

Celebinator: Arghhhhhh.

Celebinator: Oh shit.

Celebinator: Help meeee.

Celebinator: Take me back to earth.

Celebinator: Get away from me. Get away from me.

Luis: You want to let go, be my guest.

Celebinator: I'm slipping. Oh shit, I'm slipping.

Luis: I'd hold on tight if I was you.

Luis: What's that smell, man? That ain't cool, bro.

Celebinator: I want me ma. Where's me ma?

Celebinator: Assuuup waasu. Ug ug.

(The two make it back to land)

Luis: There you go.

(The Celebinator stumbles away)

Celebinator: Oh shite. Uggg. Uggg.

Luis: It kind of looks like you had a little accident. Someone might post a picture of that online.

Celebinator: Urgh. Ugghh. Oh, man, oh ma. Ahhhh. I feel like shite.

Alternate dialogue

Tony: Luis, have you met our charming new friend, the Celebinator?

Celebinator: Aye, we've met alright.

Luis: Really, bro. 'Cause I don't remember it.

Celebinator: Oh, you remember alright. Last year's Maisonette Summer party? I had to steal a ticket, and then you fuckin' blanked me.

Luis: Hey, I was real busy that night.

Celebinator: Yeah, you were busty alright. Sinking your fuckin' business is what you were doin'. Who's laughing now, you stuck up fucking twat.

Luis: Yo dude, this all in your head, man. The internet ain't real.

Celebinator: Where the fucking bubbly then? You can't tell me I'm on a helicopter tour and there's no fucking champagne. You better have shelled out for some real vintage, Tony, or it's another black mark in the Celebinator's naughty book.

Tony: How many black marks I got in there already?

Celebinator: You've got quite a few. Now where's the champagne?

Luis: It's in the ice box. We'll get it out when we seen some more of the city.

Celebinator: Boring! I knew you sad old washed up cunts had forgotten how to party. I've got ADD! I'm modern! That's why you need me. Look, I got a proposition for ya.

Tony: That's exactly what we were looking for. A man of your fine knowledge and exquisite taste, we'd be honored to work with you.

Celebinator: Twenty thousand people read my blog. I'm reaching the world. Of course you want to take some of want the Celebinator's got, and bottle it, and put it on the fuckin' shelves and sell it. Who wouldn't?

Luis: Does that mean we got to liquidize him first so he fits in them bottles?

Tony: Luis, is joking. He didn't mean anything by that.

Celebinator: I should hope not. Big dumb greasy lug, isn't he?

Post mission phone call

Tony: Luis, how'd you boys get on after you let me?

Luis: Okay, T. He's an annoying little fuck, but I think we saw eye to eye by the end of it. He ain't gonna be giving us no smack talk no more.

Tony: That's excellent news. We should schmooze these "citizen journalists" more often.

Luis: It would be my pleasure.

Failing the mission

Celebinator dies

Tony: What's the point in going to all that trouble if he's just going to die? We wanted him dead, we coulda done it in his sleep.

Luis: Fair point, man. I guess we got to get better at scaring cats, not dropping them. See ya.

Tony dies

Celebinator: Oh my fucking god. Tony Prince died right in front of me. I've got to blog this right now.

Luis: I see a blog about this, I am going to fucking kill you, bro. Don't think for a moment that I ain't.

Helicopter destroyed

Tony: Yusuf's gonna be pissed. That was his chopper.

Luis: I got a feeling that guy can afford to write off the loss. Later, T.

Celebinator falls

Tony: L, shit, you manage to arrest his terminal velocity?

Luis: There's a big Celebinator shaped mess somewhere, T. He ain't gonna be blogging no more.

Tony: Not exactly what we were looking for, was it? I don't know what the coroner's gonna think went on, but we better lay low. Let's talk soon.