A History of Liberty City
A History of Liberty City is a documentary that is aired constantly in Grand Theft Auto IV which explains the history of Liberty City from the colonial age through the Revolutionary War. Liberty City's history nearly parallel's New York City's history. The show is sponsored by the Bank of Liberty and Public Broadcasting Corporation.
Liberty City used to be a remote Dutch trading post called New Rotterdam. On September 4, 1609, Horatio Humboldt, an English explorer hired by the Dutch to find a new place to sell weed, steered his ship into the mouth of a river coincidentally named the Humboldt by the local natives (based on Humboldt's writings). The river was already polluted by the natives expelling waste into the river. This justified the genocide and larceny on the natives.
New Rotterdam was founded by the Dutch, who preached about liberal values but really cared about pimping women and getting high and were probably the first rappers. They wanted to find a place where they could party and kill people. Unlike other cities in the New World that were founded to promote religious intolerance, New Rotterdam was founded so Europeans can get rich off of other people's work. The natives were savages, wearing little clothes, but they were dealt with.
New Rotterdam quickly expanded its ego and learned to hate everyone else. It proclaimed itself the capital of the world. Advertisements were sent to Europe promising settlers a new life in a new city that has 24-hour convenience stores, roller coasters, and entertaining nightly hangings.
Europe wanted to come to see what freedom is really like. When they arrived they were aghast in America's new pastime. The city spread and chose an island in the bay which they called Algonquin.
In 1625 the first ships of slaves arrived to give the Americans, from the tyranny of Europe, to focus on the important things in life. The economy boomed. The slave craze was huge; people would wait in line for days to own their very own person. Some dissenters wondered about the moral consequences of the nation founded on genocide, slavery, and theft, but they were quickly imprisoned as unpatriotic.
That year all the local indigenous tribes were brought together and paid for the greatest real estate deal in the history of the world. 14,000 acres of real estate for some spare change, a porno magazine, and front row tickets for a game of cricket.
The Dutch had plentiful resources. They traded beaver skins, a 17th century version of wife swapping.
The gateway to the New World was also a den of inequity. The campaign to clean up the city began almost as soon as the city was founded. In the spring of 1647, the East India Trading Company hired a general for New Rotterdam named Gloria Hole (based on Peter Stuyvesant) to return civility and productivity to the colony.
Within weeks Hole banned many activities. This wasn't well received. The city was burned to the ground. Within a few years New Rotterdam had become so diverse that the Dutch had become a minority in their own colony. Diversity was troubling to them, and with diversity came peril.
Taxes were reduced so everyone could afford their own firearm and a pattern for the country is now set in stone. Armed, ignorant, and scared xenophobes tried to protect their borders.
On August 27, 1664, armed British warships entered the harbor. The colonists signed a petition requesting to be ruled by the British. The English renamed the city to Liberty City. The British expanded while destroying and eradicating the native population.
Soon the colony expanded and areas were named after heavily inbred members of their Germanic royal families. Broker was named after Sir William Broker III, the king's bastard son. To the north was called Dukes, named after the word dukey, as the people there stunk. The peninsula to the north of that was named Bohan, after bohan, a Dutch word meaning Dutch word. The area across the river was dubbed Alderney, after Phillip Alderney, the only person who can tolerate living in an oily mosquito-filled swamp.
The Birth of a New Nation
Soon the people of Liberty City began to fight with the British over taxes. Americans saw that they shouldn't have to pay any taxes. So began the American Revolution. This war was agitated by a number of musket companies who knew they would win whatever the outcome. The revolution was bloody. Soon the French joined the war to help the struggling American insurgency.
The revolution quickly ended. Residents pulled down the statue of king George and melted it into gold items. The union jack was taken down, replaced with the stars and stripes, and the newly liberated Americans celebrated. Although though they were free, they lived in squalor. Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson came to change to agrarian based slave economy to a service one. With slaves being outlawed in the northern states, women were forced to service men.
To keep the country moving forward, the capital of the nation was moved from Liberty City to a malaria swamp on the banks of the Potomac. The stage was set for organized crime and mobs to make a difference. The city soon became the microcosm of all the contrasting elements of modern life.
There is a quiz on Rockstar's site testing the reader's knowledge in the history of Liberty City. Here are the questions and answers.
Q: Why did Europeans move to Liberty City?
A: The Dutch wanted a place to sell weed and women.
Q: What was the price of the first prostitute?
A: A swift blow to the back of the head.
Q: Why was Middle Park built?
A: To provide junkies with a scenic background for drug use.
Q: What is Alderney best known for?
A: Being a swamp with soccer moms.
A: Being named after a shitty island off France where old people go to die.
A: Being the home of the 80's power ballad.
A: Juiced-up guys in cheap jewelry and tight t-shirts and fake-baked, chain smoking girls with big hair.
A: Being a place where people from Algonquin go to dump dead bodies.
Q: The first theater show in Star Junction was...
A: Heavily censored by right-wing government.
Q: The Statue of Happiness...
A: ...was presented to the USA by France in 1886 to mark 100 years free from British food and spelling.
Q: What is the weapon of choice among Liberty City residents?
A: Talking about sports while grabbing their anatomy.
Q: What is the average time lapse between consumption of a Liberty City hot dog and the onset of chronic diarrhea?
A: They are simultaneous.
The minimum score is 1 out of 10. There is no reward given for 10/10.