Chatterbox FM/Script

1. Squirell guy:

Lazlow: Alright , Liberty City , this is your talk radio show Chatterbox , where your oppinion matters . Let's go to the phones...hello caller , you're on Chatterbox .

Caller: Hey , ya ever ate possum, that's some good eating.

Lazlow: Naah , I really can't say I have.

Caller: Hell , ya aught to try it sometime , I tell ya man , it's good eating . Possum , raccoons , even zebra meat , cooks up pretty good .

Lazlow: Err , do you have anything else to say , or....

Caller: Pigeons . Pigeons are good too . Sometimes , they come with notes attached... it's like... a fortunate cookie with wings. Squirrels... squirrels is not so good , they ... taste like goldfish ... meats real stringy. Ya know what I mean?

Lazlow: Ermm , actually , I can't say that I do . .. umm.... but if I did eat too much squirrel , and put on a few extra pounds , I'd use the Dormatron ... unlike those other exercise machines that require you to be awake , the Dormatron actually exercises you over night .

Dormatron commercial
Maibatsu Monstrosity commercial

2. "Is that your real name?" girl:

Lazlow: Oh, well, that's a good commercial! I love commericals, don't you? This is a Chatterbox, we are taking your calls right now. Hello, caller! You are on the air!

Caller: Hi, Lazlow. Is that your real name?

Lazlow: Huh? Of course it's my real name.

Caller: Are you Hungarian?

Lazlow: Uhh, no I'm from upstate.

Caller: Are you sure that's not a fake radio name like Andy or Bobo? I thought all those radio people had fake names.

Lazlow: Do you have a question or you just wanna sit here and talk all day about my name?

Caller: No, that's it! Love you so, Lazlow... or Mark, or John or Beverly. Whatever your name is.

3. Сrossbreeding guy:

Lazlow: Alright, next caller! You are on chatterbox. What is on your mind?

Caller: Turnips. Root vegetables. You know, albino carrots as they're known back home.

Lazlow: Okay, here's the deal - this isn't gardening with Maurice, that's on later!

Caller: Nooo! He got taken off the air! He lied, I know he did! I've been trying to make a hybrid of a peach and a Pekingese midget fighting bitch for the last two years! And it is impossible...Impossible, I tell ya.

4. Mother concerned about video games:

Lazlow: Okay, and speaking of impossible, - Jane from Cedar Grove is on the line and she wants to talk about how difficult it is being a parent today! Hello, Jane!

Jane: Hi, Lazlow. I love the show, I'm a first-time caller. I wanted to say something about these video games. They are warping our kids minds! My son's dog Bugo got hit by a truck and he said: "Mommy, mommy where's the reset button?". Kids these days, they think life is a game! Well, it's not a game, Lazlow. It is very, very serious. I let my kid play video games and now he runs around the house looking for gold coins. This is teaching our children to go chase money. My little Sam's been playing this new video game called Pogo the Monkey...

Lazlow: Yeah, I've heard of that one!

Jane: ...the shop teacher called me today, and Sam made a homemade banana cannon in shop class and was lobbing them across the street at a fast-food restaurant. And it's all because of video games! Lazlow, life does not have a reset button.

Lazlow: Right, but this show does... (pushes the button) I love that button! You know, it's never a dull moment on this show. 'Speccialy if you're in our key demographic.

Donald Love announcement:

Donald Love: Love Media - bringing people and the finest in entertainment together.

5. SPANKed up conspiracy theorist:

Lazlow: Alright, hello next caller, you're on Chatterbox.

Caller: I wanna talk about that SPANK stuff. People say it's bad for you. It's not bad for you at all. Why aren't you talking? Oh, you think I'm strange? Am I on the air? Hello? Answer me, you pansy!

Lazlow: Err...what's your question?

Caller: SPANK! SPANK SPANK! SPANK!"

Lazlow: Eh-heh, what about it? I mean that's not really a question. Questions usually start with words like 'how', and 'why', and they end with your voice going up like this...

Caller: Don't mock me! I know where you work! You're just like all the rest!

Lazlow: How's that?

Caller: Word is evil dude. And toothpaste, they use it to control us. Why do you think all the commercials tell you to brush twice a day? I..I've read books!

Lazlow: And what book have you been reading that tells you that toothpaste is evil?

Caller: Dentures, the Devil, and the Great Cavity Cover-up, by Jay Phillip Higgenbottom. If you'd seen what I'd seen, and if you've heard what I've heard, you'd never brush your teeth again!

Lazlow: I suppose you're one of those people that says diet soda makes you go crazy in later life...

Caller: I told you before man, don't mock me! My taxes pay your salary, you pansy!

Lazlow: Sssir, er, this is a commercial radio-station owned by Love Media. Advertising revenue pays my salary. And on that note, it's been two full minutes since a commercial, but I'd like to say, if anyone else is stressed, might I recommend Equinox from Zaibatsu Pharmaceuticals...we'll be back after these important messages...

Caller: Sell out!

Equanox commercial
Liberty City Survivor commercial

See also