Blog This!.../Script

The following is a script of the mission Blog This!... in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Troy: Hey Luis, what's up, man?

Luis: Hey, what's up, Troy? Tony inside?

Troy: No, he's not here yet. Ah, did you talk to him?

Luis: Who?

Troy: Tony. About me.

Luis: What about you?

Troy: About me working here, man. I can't do it no more. I ain't queer and it's doing my head in.

Luis: Bro, you work for a guy whose nickname since 1985 is Gay Tony. Why do you give a fuck?

Troy: Because I want to be married, man. You know? I want to have a nice life. I want a picket fence in Alderney, I want to raise kids, play ball. You know, and look at me.

Luis: Bro, I don't know what to tell you, man. Dessie is the man at Maisonette, okay? This is the job we got for you. If you don't like it, fuck off, I guess. If you do, shut the fuck up and stop being a moron.

Troy: Don't be like that man. You know me. I'm an artist. I've got songs in me. Maybe if Tony could hear me sing, I'd be okay here.

(A clubgoer talking on the phone walks out)

Clubgoer: Helloooo? Yeah thanks, yeah it's me. Who is this?

Luis: You're the fucking doorman, bro, not the cabaret. What is wrong with you?

Troy: You're real tense, man, and you used to be cool.

Tony: Hey Troy... Hey, how's business? Luis, come on, let's go.

Troy: Pretty quiet.

Tony: Oh, fantastic. What is wrong with you people? Don't you know a good time when you see one? Jesus, when ever the queens don't want to get wrecked, you know this city has turned into a fucking suburb! Alright! Luis, get in the car. Gracie, sweetheart, in the back.

Troy: Tony, can I have a word?

Tony: No! No. Let's go.

Dialogue

Tony: Take us out to Gracie's place in Alderney, will you? It's on Babbage Drive.

or:

Tony: Can you take us out to Gracie's house? It's on Babbage Drive.

Gracie: Luis! Hey babe. How are you?

Luis: Hey to. Hey Gracie. What's up?

Gracie: Tone, what the fuck is it with Luis? I mean, he'll try to bang anything with a pussy, but it's Mr. Limpdick when I'm around.

Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's your charming turn of phrase, or your demure, almost nun-like manner. What is up with that, Luis?

Luis: Sorry Gracie, you ain't my type, so can you let me be a "limpdick" in peace?

Gracie: Having a pussy is your type, Lou. Tell me what's wrong with me?

Luis:

Gracie: Luis! Fuck you.

Luis: Hey look, I stopped dealing with mobster brats after Dani Lupisella tried to get her daddy to cut my balls off. Call me an asshole, but that was it for me.

Tony: I know where you're coming from. The shit I got into after my night of indiscretion with Roy Zito. Whoa! Trying to claim I spiked his drink.

Gracie: Roy Z's a homo?

Tony: He ain't a very good one.

Gracie: I never woulda guessed it.

Luis: Yeah, well, they don't wear a label on their head.

Gracie: Oh! Look at this bitch behind the wheel! Tony, your extreme queeniness is starting to rub off on the employees.

Luis: Look, cono, Tone, what are we doing out at Gracie's house?

Tony: We're paying a visit.

Luis: Shit, don't we got other problems right now? Come on!

Tony: Now that you mention it, there is another issue - that fucking nebbish, the Celebinator.

Gracie: Oh my god! I just love that guy's blog.

Tony: Well that guy's blog don't love us.

Luis: What happened?

Tony: He's talking shit like it's going out of fashion.

Luis: So what? He thinks he's the only guy with a mouth on the fucking internet?

Tony: This is something we don't need right now. Ughh, if no one comes to our summer party in the Carraways...

Luis: Chill out, bro. First of all, the summer's a long way off. And second, we shouldn't be having no party in the Carraways with our financial situation.

Tony: This guy could sink us!

Gracie: Listen to him, Lou. The Celebinator is real influential.

Luis: Relax, bro. We'll send him a basket. It'll be cool.

Tony: It's fucking blackmail with these guys. He got left off a list somewhere so it's our livelihoods at stake!

Luis: Yo. Alright. I'll check him out. What's his site?

Tony: I'll send you a link. Will you drop us off and go do it now?

Gracie: But that means Luis won't be able to see the inside of my place.

Luis: Oh well in that case, I'll definitely do it now.

Gracie: Shit, Lou, another time.

Luis: Oh yeah sure, babe. Some other time.

Tony: Thanks, Luis. Call me when you've emailed that dreadful blogger.

Post mission phone call

Tony: Luis, how'd you like his site?

Luis: Yeah, I can't believe people read that shit. No wonder we didn't let that bucktooth bastard in.

Tony: But you schmoozed him, didn't you?

Luis: I was my most charming digital self. Like on of them internet vigilantes pretending to be twelve.

Tony: Thanks, L. Let's see where it goes.