For the Man Who Has Everything/Script

The following is a script of the mission For the Man Who Has Everything in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Yusuf: Yo, nigga!

Luis: Would you shut the fuck up, man? What's wrong with you?

Yusuf: Yo, yo, yo. Easy, amigo. I'm just pleased to see you. Come on baby, give me some skin! Come on.

Luis: What are you doing here?

Yusuf: Well you know it's my father ...uh...hey, you know my ancestors, we built the pyramids baby! We built the ziggurats. They invented math and shit. I'm here I'm not afraid. I can get my hands dirty. I can work.

Luis: Whatever, man. How's it going?

Yusuf: Epic, homie. This shit is epic. People will write a bible about this shit in the future, baby. I'm talking luxury on a whole new level. This place going to be so expensive, people won't even be able to afford it. It's going to be drowned in gold, u'know it's like, 'yo, yo, is that a diamond in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me', and shit. Y'know the sales sheet's going to say, "The Impossible dream. Priceless indulgence. Style by Yusuf Amir. A timeless classic. Time classic!"

Luis: Yeah, sounds perfect, man. Just what the people want right now. But... what are you doing here?

Yusuf: I'm crafting this whole thing with my bare hands.

Luis: Okay, cool man, listen, it was good catching up with you, okay? I'll see you soon.

Yusuf: Hey, not so fast, homie. Yo, could you give me a ride to my helicopter? I could tell you something on the way.

Luis: But I thought you was busy building the pyramids?

Yusuf: All work and no play makes Yusuf a dull boy. Come on, baby, it'll be fun.

Dialogue

Yusuf: We rolling out to the Broker Side of the Algonquin bridge, homeboy.

or:

Yusuf: Slight change of plan. I'll get the chopper later. Head out to the east side of the Algonquin bridge, homie.

Yusuf: You know what, I can drive to the chopper later. Take us to the Broker side of the Algonquin bridge now.

Yusuf: Shit, actually, it's best that we go to the Algonquin Bridge first. The helicopter can wait.

Yusuf: Head out to the east side of the Algonquin Bridge, my dude.

Luis: Before I forget, you mind handing over some more of those explosive shells? Those things are tight, man.

or:

Luis: Hey, bro. Just in case you mind if I hit you for some of them exploding shells? Thanks, man.

Luis: Yusuf, bro. Hand over some more exploding shotgun shells. I love those things.

Luis: Things have a tendency to get outta hand man. Maybe you could give me some more exploding shells for peace of mind.

Luis: What you after this time, man? I got you that tank think and the chopper - what now, you want the Statue of Happiness for your back yard?

Yusuf: Excellent idea, my friend, but that will have to wait.

Luis: Alright then. What we after?

Yusuf: Wait for it.

Luis: I'm waiting,

Yusuf: You ready?

Luis: Just fucking tell me, bro!

Yusuf: A motherfucker subway train! Oh yeah, baby. The prize of the fleet. The assfucking flagship of the LTA. Give it up!

Luis: What you want a subway train for?

Yusuf: We're taking that shut out to the Gulf for a new Liberty City themed development out there. Check this out, a genuine LTA submarine train! Get that shit going through a precious and delicate coral reef! Ah! Perfect.

Luis: Aside from how fucking dumb that sounds, how am I supposed to take that thing?

Yusuf: Not going to be easy, dog. No one likes people fucking with their public transport in this paranoid age.

Luis: Can't you just buy yourself a subway car, bro?

Yusuf: No, man, shit. We need the genuine article. The real deal. You think we could put the Amir name to anything but authentic shit?

Luis: Yo. How am I supposed to pull this off?

Yusuf: Okay, we just need the front car of the train. You jump on board, you climb to the front and you unhook the car. I'll handle all the rest, Real simple, man.

Luis: I don't know why I hang out with you, bro.

Yusuf: 'Cause you fucking love this shit, homie. Ain't nothing like rolling with this Arabic bad boy. That and I'm going to put your clubs on the world stage. We'll have a lounge on the moon by the time we're done. For real.

Luis: Dios Mio. I can't believe I'm doing this.

Yusuf: Believe it, baby. Pinch yourself. You ain't dreaming. This is no film. The city is our playground, homie.

Luis: If it's our playground, how come I'm the only one getting dirty? Shit.

Yusuf: I'm gonna look after you. You and Tony. Your problems, man, Yusuf can make them go away.

Luis: You better be able to, bro. 'Cause you about to owe me big time.

(Luis drives to the train)

Yusuf: Here's the spot!

or:

Yusuf: Here's where you board the train.

Yusuf: This is where you going to jump.

Yusuf: Get in position to jump, my friend. I will meet you later.

or:

Yusuf: Get in position above the tracks, man. I'll see you soon.

Yusuf: I have to go now, man. Wait here above the tracks.

(Yusuf leaves and Luis jumps onto the train)

Luis: Someone better be grateful for this.

or:

Luis: Here goes nothing.

Luis: What I got myself into?

(LCPD and NOOSE arrive to fight Luis)

Luis: Where the fuck did they come from?

Luis: You got choppers on my ass too?

Luis: You treat all the commuters like this?

Luis: Asshole! What the fuck?

Luis: Leave me alone!

Luis: What you need a chopper for, cop?

Luis: This is where the city's budget goes?

Luis: Damn.

Luis: Man.

Luis: You fucked with the wrong commuter.

Luis: Give a man a break.

Luis: Arrrghhh!

Luis: I fuckin' hate helicopters.

Luis: Yo, I'm Dominican. We ain't terrorist, you dumb fucks.

Luis: You doing worse to this train than I am.

Luis: I'm just riding the motherfucking metro!

Luis: Leave me alone!

LCPD: I thought the world liked us now!

LCPD: You're not taking our freedom!

LCPD: Where's the rest of his cell?

LCPD: Terrorist on the train!

LCPD: It's an attack!

LCPD: He's got a bomb!

LCPD: Redact this asshole.

LCPD: I knew this day would come!

LCPD: Fucking terrorist!

LCPD: Get the terrorist!

LCPD: Violate this punk.

LCPD: Get your gash masks on!

(Luis moves towards the front cart)

Luis: Puneta.

Luis: Urgh...shit.

Luis: Diablo.

Luis: Fuck.

Luis: Here we go.

Luis: Alright. Rrrrr.

Luis: Come on.

Luis: Conyo.

(Luis ducks under an Annihilator)

Luis: Fuck. That was close.

or:

Luis: Too close, man.

(Luis makes it to the front car)

Luis: I guess I better wait for that motherfucker.

or:

Luis: Where you at, bro?

(Yusuf arrives in a Skycrane)

Yusuf: I told you I was getting one of these.

Yusuf: Get ready for liftoff, motherfucker.

Yusuf: I'm here for you, baby.

Yusuf: Unhook the lead car.

Yusuf: Free that baby up for me!

Yusuf: Unleash the beast!

Yusuf: We good to go?

Yusuf: We haven't got all day. Unhook the front car.

Yusuf: Here I come, baby. You better be gripping tight.

Yusuf: We have liftoff, motherfuckers.

Luis: Shiiiiiit.

Yusuf: Greatest heist in Liberty City history. Look at us, man! We're the biggest pimps in the city.

Luis: Just get me on the fucking ground!

Yusuf: Arab money, bitches! Fuck yeah! I fucking love you, man. I love you. See you later.

Luis: Have fun with it, you crazy fool.

Alternate dialogue

Yusuf: I hope you got your work shoes on.

Luis: You got some exercise plans for me, Yusuf?

Yusuf: Damn right, motherfucker! How you feel about helping this Arabic sonofabitch steal himself an LTA subway car?

Luis: What?

Yusuf: You heard me. A genuine Liberty City subway car. Ever since I played with my golden train set as a child, I have always wanted one and now we're gonna get it.

Luis: You fucking crazy, you know that?

Yusuf: They called Michelangelo crazy, but he invented the wheel and who's laughing now?

Luis: I ain't.

Yusuf: The train is not just for me. It will be the centerpiece of a new Liberty themed development in the Gulf. There might even be room for a Maisonette 9 franchise there. How about it? You, Tony Gayer and a camel getting all velvet rope on some Arabic shit.

Luis: Okay, shit, if I do help you, what's the plan?

Yusuf: That's my boy! There's the reason you're my main hombre. Okay. You just need to jump on the train. Climb to the front and unhook the lead car. I'll take it from there.

Luis: Sounds real simple.

Yusuf: Of course it is. I have this shit calculated to the hundredth decimal fucking point. Nothing can go wrong.

Luis: Why do I struggle to believe that?

Yusuf: Cynics don't build pyramids, man. You got to believe. Tell me you believe, Luis. Tell me you fucking see it - me and you riding in our very own subway train through a tunnel made of models on a track made of gold.

Luis: I see myself getting cut in half or locked up, bro - that's what I see. What the fuck am I getting into, man? Shit.

Yusuf: I wish I was coming with you, man. I'd be one crazy motherfucker on that train.

Luis: Be my guest, bro. You jump on the train and I'll put my feet up.

Yusuf: The plan doesn't allow for that, homie. Disappoints me as much as you. Probably more. Inside, i am crying.

Failing the mission

Missing the train

Luis: Hey man, I missed the train, bro. You're gonna have to rethink things.

Yusuf: Okay, man, okay. Back tot he drawing board. Call me.

Abandoning Yusuf

Luis: Yusuf, bro, we got problems, man. I couldn't handle that thing for you.

Yusuf: Shit, man, I was already playing subway conductor in my head. Too fucking lame. Call me soon.

Yusuf's car destroyed

Yusuf: We can always get a new one.