Just or Unjust/Script

WKTT ANNOUNCER: WKTT. Because the battle for America... begins here. WKTT 1066. We Know The Truth!

(Dramatic music starts to play)

ANNOUNCER: Justice is a game. Just like the game of Chicken. You've gotta go full steam ahead, and hope the other person runs out of energy or money first. It takes money to play the game right, and get out on top.

JUDGE GRADY: In this court, it's a world where good deeds go undone. Morality is severly punished, and random luck can destroy your life. I'm Judge Grady, and this is Just or Unjust.

(Intense rock music starts to play)

ANNOUNCER: The excitement of a court show...

WOMAN #1: He kicked me in the stomach, Your Honor!

ANNOUNCER: The injustice of an American courtroom...

JUDGE GRADY: I think the wetlands are overprotected anyway. I fine you a million dollars for wasting the court's time! (gavel bangs) You activist scum!

ANNOUNCER: The tension of a desperate network television show...

MAN: I don't care what your definition of sodomize is! I'm gonna show you mine!

(Audience applauds)

ANNOUNCER: All packed together, with the incredible excitement of a game show...

JUDGE GRADY: Do you love money? Do you? DO YOU?

WOMAN #2: (sobbing) Yes?

JUDGE GRADY: Well then, unbutton that blouse!

(Audience cheers)

ANNOUNCER: This is Just or Unjust. Real plaintiffs and defendants in a radio court of law.

(Theme music ends, and a gavel is banged)

JUDGE GRADY: Okay. Let's get on with this. Welcome to my courtroom. I'm Judge Grady. Let's get some justice...right! Today we've got Williams-Jones against Williams-Jones, case number 453. Let's get going. I've already read your opening statements.

LAURIE: Judge Grady, my name is Laurie Williams-Jones. I've been married to my husband Chuck for two years, and all he does is play that wizard online game, Lootenwank. He plays until two in the morning sometimes! (audience gasps) When he comes to bed, he's all grabbing my ass and treating me like a troll, screaming "Too damage! Too damage! Check that ass in the air, troll, I'm about to get agro!" (audience moans) Can you help me, Judge? I love my husband but I am not an avatar.

JUDGE GRADY: Look. You are an avatar, let's get that straight. We all are, and the sooner people understand that, the better. The reason that your husband is in there looting, and wanking, and slinging his wizard junk around is 'cause you got fat and stopped being sexy. (audience gasps in shock, minimal applause) I wouldn't even bang ya, and I've done a lot of trolls in my time. Look at yourself, girl. Do something positive for yourself! Get some plastic surgery! (audience yeahs) Chuck, what've you got to say for yourself?

CHUCK: My name is Chuck Williams-Jones. I think my wife is possessed by Satan! She hasn't refilled the ice tray, she hates my parents, she stopped giving me head! She spends all my money, and thinks she's doing me a massive fucking favor sending out Christmas cards! I mean come on! Give me a break, they just raised postage again! Ain't nobody giving a shit about a Christmas card! (audience groans) Even the ones with a picture of your fucking dog. I don't need to see a picture of your fucking dog in a Santa hat, Goddamn you! (audience cheers) Can you help my wife see what's up?