Kibbutz Number One/Script

The following is a script of Kibbutz Number One in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Mori: Hey, Lou!

Luis: It's Luis.

Mori: Yeah, whatever. Come here, give me some love. Right here.

Luis: So - what do you want? Tony said you needed a favor.

Mori: What, I look like a charity case to you?

Luis: Can I plead the fifth on that one?

Mori: That's - that's funny. You're funny, you're fucking funny. Funny for a guy with all those pecs, but you got the lats of a little girl. And man you need calf implants, look at you. And you know, I'm guessing, just from looking at you, you ain't exactly packing a ten inch hose. Me? I make girls wince. Wince.

Luis: Just to level with you for a minute, bro, Tony owes you money. Tony's my boss and my friend, so I'll help you out a little, but if you mention my 'hose' again, I'll put you in the fucking ground.

Mori: Jesus Christ, man - you're pent up. Come on, I didn't mean anything by it. I apologize. Alright look, let's rewind, we'll restart, we'll relax. Come here. Page one. Give me a hug. Eh? Give me a hug. That's it. Now where were we?

(Brucie walks in)

Mori: Oh, well if it isn't my brother the ghost.

Brucie: Mori... what are you doing here, bro? And who's this guy?

Mori: It's Lou.

Luis: It's Luis.

Mori: Right. It's nice to see you too, little brother. Jesus, you look pale. What, somebody die?

Brucie: Unfortunately not, man. What are you doing here, Mori?

Mori: I am thinking about moving back home. You see I've been hearing stories about you getting somewhat above yourself, and I'm worried about you.

Brucie: Mori don't worry about me, man. I'm fine. Okay? I'm going to be just fucking fine.

Mori: Jesus - who is training you? Man oughta be horse whipped. Look at you. You're lumpy. You're like -a- awful, like a big pale mess. And you're fat, bro. Oh jeez, you're fat.

Brucie: Screw you, Mori, man... you're, you're...

Mori: "You're, you're" ...Perfect? Yeah. Chiseled, tanned, handsome. I'm the dream ticket. Yeah, Mom always warned me that you were a lazy kid. I bet you've been juicing.

Brucie: Of course I haven't.

(Mori begins sniffing and Luis and Brucie begin smelling themselves)

Mori: No, no, no. Yeah, I smell it on you. Fear. But I'm back now, Baby B. I'm b-b-b-back. And your life just got fun again. Come on. Lou, let's roll. Oh and fat boy - you better let your friends know about me, because Kibbutz number one...is back in town. And this time, it's kosher. See ya, wouldn't want to be ya...fag!

Dialogue

Mori: Alright, head on up to Bohan, will you?

or:

Mori: So, Chase Point when you are ready. Engage!

Mori: Yeah, we're meeting some cats up on Chase Point - oh.

Luis: What you need done, Mori?

Mori: Oh, we got some very intense shit to handle.

Luis: I'm hoping you mean you got some boxes to move, something like that? That's about as intense as I'm willing to get for you.

Mori: Wow, it's incredible - he looks like a man, but he talks like a pussy.

Luis: Mori, man, you're a business guy. So you should stick to your business shit. Don't get involved in stuff that out of your league because of some small man syndrome that makes you overcompensate.

Mori: Whoa, whoa, there's nothing small about what I got going on, Lopez. Yo, you need me to take out the monster? I'll whap that shit on the dashboard, see what you think of it. Yo yo, you'll think it's suddenly got dark in here. I'm talking serious block the sun shit. Oh, hah! Hey, just don't hold me responsible for your inadequacy issues after that, huh? Oh!

Luis: Don't take nothing out, bro. Keep it to yourself. Keep the monster away from me, and listen to what I'm saying. This shit comes from the heart, okay? I don't wanna see you getting in over your head. For a man of your height, that's gotta be easy to do.

Mori: Whoa, whoa, slow up dog. I think you're mistaken in your impression of me. I look like a civilian to you?

Luis: You look like a lot of things, bro. A lot of neuroses in one tiny package. Kind of like an army knife without the edge.

Mori: You think because of my lumpy little brother that I don't swing on the darkside.

Luis: I never said you weren't a swinger, man. Come to think of it, I mighta seen you on one of them websites.

Mori: Alright, enough with the jokes. Look, I done three years Israeli military - I've seen shit you wouldn't even believe.

Luis: I done three years helping to run Hercules. I seen shit you wouldn't believe.

Mori: Hey, how many guys got the juice to get into some Foreign Legion shit when they're 18? You were probably still sucking on your momma's titty at that age.

Luis: I was doing time, bro. And leave my momma out of it.

Mori: Things I saw over there were insane, dog. Insane. I'd tell you about it but then I'd have to kill you right here. I could do it, too... with my bare hands... wouldn't even think twice about it... but I won't, Lou. I won't because I like you, heh. Special Forces don't even begin to describe my shit.

Luis: Special sounds about right to me...

Mori: Look, I came back here after the service and I'd changed, man, I'd changed. You think it's easy sitting down to Econ 101 when you been icing fools?

Luis: I would not know, bro.

Mori: Still got my 4.0 though, didn't I? Ho, give it up, right here.

Luis: Good for you, bro. You want to send me a resume so we can skip all this personal history crap?

Mori: No, I want you to understand, Luis, that I got the brain and the brawn. The meat and potatoes. MBA plus IDF equals "do not fuck with this bitch". I got it all, brother. I can handle anything.

Luis: Yeah. Okay. Fine. Whatever. Remind me what we are doing now?

Mori: We are paying a visit to some of my old uhh, business associates.We're gonna take over their operation. Clear those fucks out.

Luis: Perfect. Just perfect. Another fucking war.

Mori: Fuck yeah!

(The two arrive at the docks)

Mori: Hey you?

Gangster: What the fuck are you doing here, Mori?

Mori: Oy vey, motherfuckers!

Gangster: Dude, we told you we ain't in business with you no more. You're a rip off merchant.

Mori: No more cooperation, my friends. It's hostile takeover time, hand it over!

Gangster: Fuck you, Mori, you midget prick. You ripped us off for the last time. Let's get these fuckers!

(The gang attack the two)

Mori: This is how you get shit done, Luis. Come on.

or:

Mori: Follow my lead, Lopez!

Mori: Come on, Lopez. Let's nail these bitches.

Luis: What you playing at?

Luis: Come on, this is over. You don't need to die. Run away.

Luis: What the fuck is this!

Luis: If you wanna get nasty.

Luis: You wanna party?

Luis: Clear out of here!

Luis: Okay. Come on then.

(One of the gang members uses a rocket launcher)

Mori: Rocket launcher. Up and to the left, Luis!

Mori: Get that guy before we're ground beef.

or:

Mori: I did not come here to get fucking exploded. Kill that fucker!

Mori: Take out the fucker with the rocket launcher or we're ass raped!

Mori: Oh, that motherfucker's gonna blow us up! Take him out!

Mori: Get that guy up there! Ah, shit, he's gonna kill us!

Mori: Tear the hole out of her, boy!

(The two kill the gang members and move up)

Mori: Here we go!

or:

Mori: Moving forward.

Mori: Pushing up.

Mori: I'm making a play.

Mori: Mori's coming, motherfuckers.

(More gang members appear)

Mori: Take these fucks down, Luis.

or:

Mori: Shit. Fucking drop them already, Lou!

Mori: Get on this, Luis. Get the fuck on this!

Mori: Hey, a little help here, Lopez.

Mori: Come on, Lopez!

Mori: Fucking get 'em.

Mori: Take 'em out, Lou.

Luis: These your business partners, Mori?

Mori: Not any more. Now I'm the fucking daddy. Heh ho!

(Luis and Mori kill the gang members)

Luis: All these guys is taken out, bro.

or:

Luis: They done, Mori. You can come out now.

Luis: Yo. We clear.

Luis: Mori! These guys is gone.

Luis: We got this section clear, bro.

(Some of the gang escape and Luis and Mori get in a boat to chase them)

Mori: We're going after them, Lopez.

Gangster: We'll be back, Mori. This was a real stupid move.

Mori: Let's end this with a bang, baby. Strap some bombs to their boats.

or:

Mori: Here are some bombs, man. Now let's take those bitches out for good.

Mori: They ain't gonna go nowhere with one of these bombs strapped to 'em. Let's do it, Lou.

Luis: Those fucks tried to blow us up with a rocket launcher, man!

Mori: I know, I fucking saw it, man.

Luis: I mean, they can do whatever the fuck they like to you, you're annoying, but nobody fires rockets at me.

Mori: That's right, get angry, Lopez. Use it.

Luis: Damn right, I'm angry. I can't believe I'm doing this shit, man. Not for some asshole Tony borrowed money off!

Mori: No, those guys are the assholes, Lou. Let's concentrate on what we're doing and get 'em. Leave the disputes until later. Focus a little, okay?

Luis: Yeah, okay.

Mori: Thank you.

(Luis destroys one of the boats)

Mori: Hell yeah! Now, let's get the other two.

or:

Mori: Nice one, Lopez. Two more left.

Mori: Sweet. Only two more to go.

(Luis destroys another boat)

Mori: Oh yeah! Now, get the last boat and we're home free.

or:

Mori: Let's get the last of them.

Mori: Only one more of the bitches left.

(Luis destroys the last boat)

Mori: Yes! You paid, you fucks!

or:

Mori: Take that, you condescending motherfuckers!

Mori: Fuck yeah, bitch. Dock up and I'll bust on out of here.

or:

Mori: Woo! We did it, man. Now you can take me back to shore.

(If Luis exits the boat)

Mori: I hope you can swim, pussy.

Luis: Hey bro, I can't imagine you got much of a business left now we taken out all your employees.

Mori: Imagination isn't your strong suit, Luis. Let's leave the logistics to me, heh?

Luis: I'm more than happy to leave everything to you, Mori. In fact, I don't wanna be no part of any of this shit.

Mori: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you and Tony are business partners, aren't you?

Luis: Sure.

Mori: Well, I own Tony. Ergo, I own your ass as well. Get used to it.

Luis: Hey, no one owns me, bro.

Mori: Ooh, I beg to differ.

(Luis drives the boat to Castle Gardens)

Luis: Here we go, bro. You gonna get out my face now?

Mori: Woo! Sure, I am. Sure. You did great. I'm feeling real bullshit about you, Lou. Real fucking bullish.

Luis: Good to know.

Mori: Hey you come by soon. We got some more shit to discuss.

Alternate dialogue

Mori: Oh, exciting times, Lou! These are some excitin' times. Hah hah!

Luis: Why, bro, what's the excitement? We heading to a surprise party? You getting a sex op? What?

Mori: Oh, you got a lot to learn, driver. You should try to stick your head out that club occasionally and soak up the atmosphere. In this climate there is more to think about than parties and plastic surgery.

Luis: Yeah, sure, bro, I was just getting facetious on you.

Mori: We are at a turning point in history, Luis. Right now. Things are turning. Oh, God yeah! I can almost feel it.

Luis: I guess you right. Things just turned shit.

Mori: That's a typical short sighted, negative viewpoint. Can't see your tiny hose through your bushy pubes. Shave those things off, by the way. They're unappetizing. See, I've been bald since I was 19. I set the trends, I don't follow them.

Luis: I told you about that hose shit, midget. It's creeping me the fuck out.

Mori: Yeah alright, alright, alright - where was I? Oh yeah, yeah, see, I love guys like you. Guys like you make guys like me rich.

Luis: How's that?

Mori: Well at this very moment there are fantastic opportunities for anyone with some money in a bank and some balls in their sack. Cash is falling out of the sky!

Luis: This is the part where you ask me to hand over my life savings so you can "invest" it for me, right? My moms might fall for that shit, but she believes that dogs bark at ghosts so maybe she's an easy touch.

Mori: Ah, really, Lou? Cause if you got your mom's number there you know I might want to give her a call!

Luis: Funny, bro. Real funny. One thing I can rely on at least is mom knowing you were a little asshole if she met you.

Mori: Yo whoa what you mean? 'Cause she's old and wise? Hey, hey, hey I fuck cougars too, Luis. If they look after themselves, that is. I am an equal opportunity lay. I'll fuck anything.

Luis: The issue with what you were saying is that it's the money in the bank thing that people is having problems with right now.

Mori: Maybe! If you're a schmuck like my brother, maybe. You see old B's over-exposed like a motherfucker. He's got debt you wouldn't believe and assets that don't exist. If someone could get a prize for buying at the top of the market, it'd be that sucker. Brucie was a stock I'd short him all I could.

Luis: He's your brother, bro. Can't you help?

Mori: Brother or no, he's gotta learn. I'm feeling bearish about him. Sell! Sell! Sell! God, sell!

Luis: So what's your master plan then, Mori? Wheres the billions coming from?

Mori: Oh, I'm all about master plans. I got more than I know what to do with. You see, the big business of the next decade are gonna get formed in this downturn, and Mori K is gonna be there on the ground floor.

Luis: Good thing too, bro. 'Cause a guy of your stature might find it tough if it was on anything higher than street level.

Mori: Oh! Hah hah hah heh heh heh, yeah yeah. Fucking funny.

Luis: Yeah anyway, bro, that's besides the point. What we doing right now?

Mori: This is the first investment. Mergers and acqusutions, baby. I seen a business that ain't been run well, so we're about to take the controlling share.

Luis: Okay. Let's get it over with.

(Luis and Mori chase after the boats)

Luis: What the fuck were they doing with a rocket launcher? What kind of business you trying to take over Mori?

Mori: A profitable one. I crunched the numbers, they came out gold. Now let's do it.

Luis: Fuck, man, I hope you know what you doing.

Mori: Check my balance, dog. I know exactly what I'm doing. I just ain't the type of conventional businessman you might be used to, Lopez.

Luis: Evidently, they are normally about twice your size and smart enough to stay in their office.

Mori: If you're pussying out, be my guest. You gonna write me a check?

Luis: I ain't going nowhere, bro. These bitches fired rockets at me. They're done.

Failing the mission

Abandoning Mori

Luis: Shit, Mori, bro, I'm sorry.

Mori: You know, Luis, I don't believe you. The only way I'll believe you're sorry is if I fucking tax you for it. Guess what? Tony's debt just went up.

Luis: Whatever, bro. I'll see you around. Bye.

Boat destroyed/gang escapes

Mori: That's bullshit, Lou! Fucking bullshit! The logistics were right there. My side of the operation was perfect. I'm looking around for a weak link and all I see is you, you big lug.

Luis: Me? Really? It was my fault, now? Well that's too bad, man. Maybe you should find someone else who's less incompetent. See you later, Mori.