Last modified on 30 November 2011, at 20:43

Liberty Tree Articles in GTA III/June 2001

The June 2001 issue of the online version of the fictional Liberty Tree newspaper (Vol. 1, Issue 5) was released on June 1, 2001. It is the fifth in a series of Liberty Tree issues to be released to promote Grand Theft Auto III.

The issue is given a blue-and-orange color scheme with "Belching Up Truth Like Last Night's Dinner" as its present motto.

Articles

Hand Grenades Not Fit For City Life

By Howard Child, Liberty Tree News Bureau

June 1st 2001 6:11 EST

Drink it, don't throw it!
Hurling abuse - Liberty City style.

Previously gun-friendly mayor, O' Donovan has come out and said what many of us had long thought: "Hand grenades have no place in our city." Following a recent rise in the use of exploding projectiles, including hand grenades and Molotov cocktails, O' Donovan has said he will look into opening a commission which will investigate the plausibility of a study into the funding of a research document which will question limiting their sale. "Although I am against any form of gun control, I think the recent rise of explosions, burning cars and dangerous assaults in our city has to be carefully monitored," he said. "My people say there has been a thousand-fold increase in fires in recent months, due to our de-regulation of the personal firearms market to include hand grenades and rocket launchers, but I think it has more to do with people failing to put out their cigarettes."

This is really terribly antisocial.

Another government spokesman added, "Let's be honest, hand grenades don't kill people, people kill people. Where do these people get their stupid ideas from? From entertainment. If nobody knew about blowing people up, we could happily and safely own hand grenades forever at no public risk. We really need tighter censorship on the way people are entertained. We want to get them out of the dangers of the video arcade and cinema and into the safety of the shooting range."

And so say all of us.


Spank Here to Slay

Liberty Tree News Bureau

June 1st 2001 5:59pm EST
LIBERTY CITY (RS) - Bob Malkin

An evil new menace, Spank, is running riot through the streets of Liberty City. A synthetic, entirely artificially fabricated drug, Spank is an evil our city hasn't seen the likes of before or since. Making previous drug epidemics look like a family picnic with a lot of happy kids and families, eating outside, Spank is pure evil.

Police are shocked at the increase in Spank-related offenses, linking it to virtually all major crimes as a convenient way of explaining everything wrong. A spokesman said, "Spank is really bad. It's baffling us why these kids would want to take it. This drug is an evil killer."

Spank fueled raves, where hordes of kids go to party all night and listen to repetitive music that goes bleep a lot and sometimes features Celtic incantations, have baffled sociologists. Another spokesman said, "We're baffled." These clubs can go on for hours or even days. Reports are surfacing of one Spank party which simply doesn't stop, where kids, like German vermin dance for weeks at a time to the music of a European DJ, not calling himself the Pied Piper of Liberty City, unfortunately for the elegance of this story.

A third spokesman said, "It's crazy. These kids will do anything for a good time. In my day, drinking very heavily until you vomited, or fighting in the street or visiting brothels was, quite frankly, enough. What's gone wrong with our kids? Where did they let us down?"

Spank. Don't do it. If you do do it, you are a moron. A final spokesman said, "Only morons take Spank."


Yakuza Operating With Impunity

Liberty Tree News Bureau

June 1st 2001 5:01pm EST
LIBERTY CITY (RS) - Thomas Jones

Yakuza-GTAIII-logo.jpg

Japanese criminals have begun to operate in Liberty City. Police note with shame that the on-going financial crisis in Asia has led to some of the most violent criminals in the east making the journey to the west. Liberty City has, since the mid 1970s, had a large transient population of Japanese businessmen, overseeing vital Japanese investments in the area. Now it seems that others are over-seeing the businessmen.

The exact extent of Yakuza activity, or the nature of their wrongdoing remains unclear, but what is clear is that it is going on. An LCPD representative noted, "They're out there. We can't see them, or touch them, or smell them, but we know they're out there. God knows what they're doing, but we bet it's really bad." He added that several well-known Japanese gangsters have recently been approved for visas and have been seen disembarking planes in Liberty City.

Experts report that the Yakuza have traditionally focused on a few key areas of illicit activity, especially hostess bars, importing illegal meat, amphetamines trading alongside protection rackets and gambling. What this can mean for Liberty City's already congested criminal market place, only Tokyo knows right now.


Liberty City Community College: THE WORST UNIVERSITY IN AMERICA

Liberty Tree News Bureau

June 1st 2001 1:37pm EST
LIBERTY CITY (RS) - Johnny Ryan

It's official. What we had all known for a long time. Liberty City Community College is now officially "the least impressive" institution of higher learning in the United States. With enrollment at a record low, graduation rates of under 20%, and with fewer than 8% of all graduates being able to spell their own name or recite the days of the week in the correct order, LCCC is officially not the place to be.

Luckily, help is at hand, from a new practical Dean of Studies who has revolutionized the college's approach in a way he believes will become a benchmark for all the under-performing education establishments in the US. Dean Smegley comments, "It's out with the old and in with the new. We did away with old ways of measuring students abilities and old-fashioned classes. Nobody reads no more so why should our students? This is a college, not a prison, yo. We've changed what we make students study and how we grade them, so kids can get out of this place with knowing what they want to happily attempt next up. We got the kids doing practical things, like pharmaceutical baking, so they can make a dollar and we mark them not for effort or performance, but on how bad they look in class."

Using these new methods, an LCCC student can learn grill management, coatroom politics and economics, and running mechanical elevation devices from the consumer perspectives (elevators and escalators counting as two classes), while a student who wears a hot outfit is pretty much guaranteed an A. "A girl in a skimpy top, with her bra straps showing, or some real tight pants, she'll definitely get a scholarship, while some dude with a pair of trousers so baggy he can't work properly will be recommended for graduate work," continued Smegley. And using this new system, LCCC makes a swift rise up the rankings, from last place to 34th in the country. "Within two years, I expect our students to be the best dressed, least qualified in the country," said Smegley proudly. Another great Liberty City innovation!


Love to Chat?

Liberty Tree News Bureau

June 1st 2001 9:33am EST
LIBERTY CITY (RS) - Louie Schaffer

Media mogul, Donald Love has added a new radio station to his growing list of Liberty City based media. Chatterbox FM is a 24 hour talk radio station in which people can call in and talk about, well just about anything. A Love Media spokesman said, "Sometimes, it's good to talk, especially on a station like Chatterbox. There'll be special guests, of course, and a great host, but we hope the real stars will be you, the people of Liberty City. We want to find out what you think, so we can market to you more effectively." Chatterbox FM goes on the air next month.


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