A Full House Against Online Poker?
Bill is moved to the floor for debate
Signaling that the war on vices has hit a red line pace, Congress made good on its pledge to outlaw online poker by moving the bill to the floor of the house. "Gambling is wrong. My religion says it's wrong, and I'm going to tell you how to spend your money and free time," said Congressman Shilton.
Opponents of online gambling say that children as young as three know how to play poker online. Online poker fans say that they enjoy getting drunk and lying to strangers on the Internet, a pastime that is as old as America itself. But just as prohibition worked, this should work as well, say politicians.
"Broker Bridge Incident" Gets Response From LCPD
Will activists be satisfied?
Today, members of the media and activist groups had mixed reactions to Liberty City's Police Commissioner for Public Affairs Tom Pireni's presentation on police brutality. The "Wing It" slideshow presentation was given to the media today, arguing that the "Broker Bridge Incident" is not considered police brutality. After a bizarre musical performance, many residents were not convinced. Several residents have filed formal complaints after footage today showing several women and children being thrown off the bridge by police. Police argue that the footage does not tell the real story.
Jingoism Act Passes Congress
Celebratory fireworks mandatory
In what many say will restore faith and pride in our country, the Jingoism Act was passed over objections of constitutional historians and rights groups. The Act requires anyone observing un-American behavior to contact authorities immediately. This includes witnessing or taking part in sexual activities not relegated to the missionary position, use of the F word, exposing a minor to adult conversation, exposure of the female breast (even for the purpose of breast feeding) and gives access to your medical records, tax records, library borrowing, if you shave downstairs, how many times you have taken the country's name in vain, and slurs against the president.
Serial Killer On Loose
City encouraged to panic
It's the reality nobody wants to face up to. It's the stuff of nightmares - police have admitted they are concerned about similarities in a series of murder cases over the past few years, making them think a serial killer may be at work in Liberty City. The killer, who's yet to be given a nickname, seems to have a particular thing against keep-fit enthusiasts as the three victims so far were joggers. Each had been decapitated after running late at night. It seems we are in for a news bonanza as we consider the ramifications of this terrifying case in gruesome detail and try to figure out exactly who will star in the movie. In the meantime, police strongly recommend people pay more taxes and push for a rise in both overtime benefits and basic pay.
Congress Split Over Same Sex Marriage
Should gay couples have the right to eventually get divorced?
Tempers flared on Capitol Hill as Congress put aside health care and war legislation to discuss what is on everyone's mind - cocks. Specifically, man cock and another man with a dog collar. At times the debate centered on hot lesbian action, but conservatives defeated riders and focused on man-on-man debate. Politicians went at it fiercely into the night, tired and sore from hours of passionate exchanges. Legislation on same-sex marriage is expected soon.
Jefferson's Convoy Ambushed
Foreign criminal gang suspected
Bobby Jefferson, the Ex-Secretary of Security Enforcement, came to Liberty City in order to give a speech on the increasing threat of immigrant-led organized crime. However, Jefferson became a victim himself as his convoy was ambushed on the way to the Civic Citadel and he was nearly killed. Violent crime is becoming more and more prevalent in this city and people like Mr. Jefferson are asking why in highly paid speeches. The RICO statutes and the pressure put on organized crime by new forms of surveillance has for years undermined the traditional criminal elements in this city. This void is being filled by hungry and ruthless criminals coming into our city from abroad.
BRYCE DAWKINS GAY SHOCKER
Deputy Mayor taking it hard
Arch conservative and political gay basher, Bryce Dawkins, was yesterday hiding in rehab after he was discovered to have a double life. As well as a wife and children, Mr. Dawkins also had a boyfriend whom he kept in an apartment that the city financed. Photographs have emerged of Mr. Dawkins kissing Bernie Crane, his guest. Mr. Dawkins released a statement that read, "I am 100% heterosexual. Things look bad, but the evidence is just circumstantial. I do however have a substance abuse problem, which I am dealing with and I also have been addicted to bad behaviors, including visiting lap dancing clubs. I love women. Look at my wife. She's satisfied. Please leave my family alone. We need privacy. I (will) continue to stand up for what I believe in, even if I am just a man and a work in progress. I'm not gay and I never have been. Quite the opposite. I just have a soft spot for sad people who need looking after.