Mohammed/Script

Driving

This is following lists of dialogue spoken by Mohammed to Niko.

When the player first meets him:

• Okay, Roman tell me I have to pick you up because you his cousin or something.
• I'm not getting paid to lug your ugly ass around and I'm not happy about it, okay, my friend? Get in!

When the player first meets him after Roman bought a new cab depot:

• Roman is doing well, you see this new car, my friend?
• He doing good but he still get me to pick up his piss face cousin for free. Aren't I lucky boy?

When he picks up the player:

• Get in quickly, you head dick.
• Hey craphead, get in the car, my friend.
• I know I'm a loser, and your not my friend, but get in.
• Hello you free riding dog lover, get in.
• Alright Mr. "I'm Roman's cousin so I'm too good to pay for a car". Get in.
• Get in my friend. You want me to suck your balls for free because you are Roman's cousin, too?
• Bring your ugly free riding face into my car very fast, my friend.
• Hey angry man. You better be going somewhere close, I need to pick up some real fares so I can make real money.
• Oh hello, you really like taking advantage of Roman's employees, don't you? Dog lover!
• I see you have taken a time out from romancing every animal in the zoo to abuse the generosity of your cousin. Great!
• Another free ride for the ugliest bastard in Liberty City. Perfect.

When the player chooses a destination:

• Alright, let's go.
• Come on.
• We better get this over with.
• Sure... fine.
• Crap.
• Piss balls.
• I thought you would say you want go to a brothel full of men.
• I was thinking you would say sick bondage club.
• Just my luck.
• I'm going to hate this drive.
• This is a waste of my life.

When the player asks to change the radio station or turn it off:

• Ugly moron with no taste in radio stations!
• I suppose you want me to suck your balls later too, my friend.
• Maybe you can also make love to my wife!
• You know, none of the paying customers ask me to change the station!

When the player arrives at the destination:

• Now get out of here and don't trouble me again!
• This is the point where normal customers pay. Go away, head dick.
• I hope you enjoyed your free ride, I certainly did not enjoy the driving of you.
• Not only do you not pay for the ride but you make the car smell of pig shit.
• I must get one of those tree-shaped air fresheners if I am going to be ferrying around dirt bags like you.
• I am really hoping that Roman realises you are a free loading shit hole so I don't have to drive you again.
• Good riddance, dog lover.
• Enjoy your shitty free loading life.
• I hope you enjoy the trouble you are going to be getting into here.
• Please, have as much fun in this place as I had driving you here.

Conversations

The following is a list of conversations between Mohammad and Niko. The conversations are spoken only once during gameplay.

First Conversation

Niko: So, you... you been working for Roman long?

Mohammad: Ever since I got to this city, my friend. Roman's been screwing me ever since I got here - yes.

Niko: Hey man, don't talk shit about Roman. If he don't pay fairly, go work for someone else.

Mohammad: Yeah, whatever. I don't do this crap for the money anyway. I'm just here for the pussy, man.

Niko: Yeah? Girls dig this car, do they? Useful to know.

Mohammad: Is not the car, my friend. It's the player driving this shit. I pick a girl up from the airport, I going to be hitting that shit up in her hotel room soon as we get there. For real, man. I had my hands on more tourists than airport security. If a woman turns up at Francis International, then this guy is going to know about her concealed weaponry. You get me?

Niko: Sure. You bang tourists. I get the point.

Mohammad: My friend, I got so much pussy around this town, I'm surprised there's any left for the rest of you chumps.

Niko: Me too.

Second Conversation

Niko: You're a charming guy, you know that?

Mohammad: Screw you, shit face. You remind me of my wife, man. Take advantage of my generosity and insult me at the same time.

Niko: You got a wife? How about all that women you pick up in the car?

Mohammad: My friend, you are a bitch. I thought you were ever since I first see your ugly-ass face. What it matter that I got a wife? If you'd been married for three years you'd realise getting pussy is a very different thing.

Niko: Don't you love her?

Mohammad: Course I love her, my friend. She cooks for me and does my laundry. I love that woman, yeah, but I love pussy too. There ain't no tying this warrior down. I'm an animal. I need that pussy.

Third Conversation

Niko: Roman is real lucky to have you working for him. Your customer service is impeccable.

Mohammed: You want to know about my customer service, you ask one of my female passengers. They’ll tell you I service them good.

Niko: Great, I’m sure that must be good for you.

Mohammed: It is good for me, real good. I love that shit almost as much as the bitches do. And I tell you something, the women are actually paying for their rides. Not free loading like a certain ugly Eastern European immigrant scumbag I know. If you didn’t have your cousin, you wouldn’t have anything. How come you too lazy to start a business like Roman did? I might not work either if I was getting all the money and free rides I wanted from my cousin.

Niko: I look after Roman. I help him out.

Mohammed: Sure you do. You help him get into trouble. I know your type, homeboy. Don’t think I’m not streetwise homes, because I seen shit you couldn’t imagine. For real, my friend. For real.

Niko: Okay then. For real.

Fourth Conversation

Mohammed: You better be enjoying yourself back there. Because I am hating every second I have to drive you around for free.

Niko: Yeah, well maybe you should chill out. You’re going to have a heart attack getting so angry the whole time.

Mohammed: You know how much a driver can get paid in this city? Shit, a yellow cab is just a license to steal, man. This don’t pay too bad. When I’m driving real fares, that is, not just Roman’s stupid cousin.

Niko: You don’t like driving me, talk to Roman. He can send one of his other drivers.

Mohammed: You’d love that, wouldn’t you? Get a hard working father of six fired because he didn’t treat you like God’s gift to the earth? You’re cold, man. Ice cold. You really want me to get fired?

Niko: No, of course I don’t want you to get fired. You got a job to do. Shit I didn’t realise you had six kids.

Mohammed: Well, I probably got about six kids. My wife hasn’t had any yet, but the amount of pussy I get man, there has to be some out there. Doesn’t there? You know?

Niko: Sure, whatever you say lover man.

Fifth and Last Conversation

Mohammed: So, am I taking you to a big drug deal or some shit my friend? You got a package of snow strapped to your chest?

Niko: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Mohammed: What you didn’t think I was down with that game? You didn’t think I knew what you were about? I done all kinds of crazy shit. I only started driving this cab to make my wife shut up. You can’t go around busting caps in people when you got responsibilities.

Niko: Perhaps you shouldn’t go around busting caps in people regardless of your responsibilities.

Mohammed: Ha ha. That’s fucking funny. Next thing you are going to tell me I shouldn’t be having extra-marital affairs. You got to do that shit to survive, my friend.

Niko: Of course, and to help your survival you should just stick to driving this car, man.