No. 3/Script

The following is a script of the mission No. 3 in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

(Luis walks into Brucie's apartment and finds him doing clap push-ups while Mori supervises)

Mori: Thirty-two, thirty-three, thirty-... Oh come on, come on one more, come on.

Brucie: Screw you, Mori. Why do you gotta be such a cock?

Mori: Oh, I'm sorry...

Brucie: Oh, fuck you Mori.

Mori: Fuck me? Fuck me? You can't fuck me, Baby B. Name on thing you have ever been able to fuck me at. One thing. Huh? I lift more weights, I fly better choppers, I have better cars, I screw better women, hell, I screw women. My bling ain't CZ and my paper ain't a photocopy. What's up, Lou. So again... One!...

Luis: Hey Mori, I've gotta side with your brother on this one, man. I mean, you're fucking annoying. I mean, I work in nightclubs, I hang out with gangsters. I meet assholes 24 hours a day, but you, you take the cake, man.

Mori: Oh jeez I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm trying to toughen up my little bro here, my little bro who I love more than life itself and you think you can interfere with that?

Luis: I think you've maybe taken the tough love thing a little too far, man. I mean, I got sent to juvy when I was seventeen years old for shooting a teacher who felt up my sister. They tried the tough love thing on me. It didn't fucking work too well. So maybe try a different fucking approach.

Mori: You know what? I think you might be right. Come on Baby B. Let's hug it out. Let's hug it out. I love you. I love you, I do. I love you. It's just the truth is I'm... I'm jealous. I am, I'm jealous... Jealous that... that you... are dating such a wonderful guy as Lou here.

Luis: It's Luis!

Mori: Whatever. I'm only kidding... Come on! Jesus, you guys are a couple of pent up queens. I swear. Come on, let's go have some fun, huh? You too, B, come on... stop sulking. Jesus, you're pathetic. I love you, but you're such a pussy. Come on!

Dialogue

Mori: Yo, we got some cars waiting at the top of Middle Park, bro.

or:

Mori: Hey, we're picking these cars up on the North side of Middle Park.

Mori: Head up to the top of Middle Park, Lou.

Mori: Hey, I got a gift for you bitches. Some headsets. So I can tell you what to do later.

or:

Mori: Take these headsets so I can be in your ear all the way, bitches.

Mori: Here, take these headsets. Excuse me if I don't trust the pair of yous to think for yourselves.

Mori: Hey Brucie, bro, it's good to hang with you, I'm really happy you're along on this ride.

Brucie: Mori, bro, are you... uhhh... fucking with me?

Mori: Come on, little B. Hey, what do you take me for? It's good to have Lopez along too, right? Hey, the three amigos.

Luis: Or two men and a little cunt.

Mori: Yeah, you hear that, Brucie, he called you a little cunt.

Luis: I wasn't talking about him, bro.

Mori: Don't bring down the positive energy, Lopez. Me and my brother are having fun today.

Brucie: Yeah, man, we are. We should do this more often, bro.

Mori: Ah, B, shit, before I forget, there's this email that I got that I thought you'd be interested in.

Brucie: Oh yeah? What's that?

Mori: Well, you see, it's this doctor, he's a fucking genius. Yeah, he says he's made this pill that is gonna sort out that penis problem you got.

Brucie: Fuck off, Mori. I thought you were being cool, bro.

Mori: No, no, I am, bro. I swear it. No, this guy can extend your hose by at least two to three inches. Hey, call me an asshole, but I'd be really psyched if my bro was packing a four inch punch. How's that for cool?

Brucie: Shut up, Mori.

Mori: The one thing you do got going for you is those 'roid-ravaged beans in your sack. Anything would look big hanging next to those peanuts. Right? Yeah, am I right?

Brucie: Shut the fuck up, Mori.

Mori: Ah, pathetic. You see this guy, Lopez. What did I tell you?

Luis: I don't know, bro. I tend to stop listening when you open your mouth.

Mori: Remind me again what you paid for that place in Broker, Brucie.

Brucie: Huh?

Mori: Oh, and the garage, too. How much did you pay?

Brucie: I don't want to talk about it.

Mori: And uh a oh oh yeah yeah, what are those properties worth now?!

Brucie: I said I don't want to talk about it, okay?! Shit!

Mori: You see? What did I tell you, Lopez. Overexposed like a stripper in Fleet Week. Only thing more useless than that little pecker of his is his portfolio. Ain't that right, Brucie?

Luis: Leave him alone, Mori. You're even more annoying than usual.

Mori: He's a bit like you and Big Tone actually. Hey, you guys should start a debtors anonymous circle jerk together. Yeah you could sit around crying and hugging and talking about how you lost it all.

Luis: At least we don't owe you shit anymore, Mori. Remember, the debt got erased in that bet. Fuckin' genius.

Mori: Oooo. Little Lopez got his panties in a twist. G-string on too tight, is it? You guys should lighten the fuck up. Come on!

(The three arrive at Middle Park)

Mori: Ahh, here he is. Let's go talk to the bitch.

or:

Mori: There's my boy. The loser.

Mori: Here's our guy with the cars. You chumps could learn a thing or two here.

(The three meet with Mori's contact)

Mori: Hey buddy, thanks for the tip off. Here you go.

Contact: Oh. Thanks, bro.

Mori: Hey, don't go and spend that all in one place, chump. Hey people! Money talks and idiots walk.

(Mori gets in his car)

Brucie: Yo, bro, uh-hum, get me a car, will you? Push the button.

Brucie: Hook me up with a ride, Luis. Push that thing.

(Luis and Brucie get a car)

Mori: Stick to me, bitches. We're moving.

Mori: Okay, moving out, ladies! Follow me.

Mori: Go. Go. Go. Last one there's a little bitch.

(LCPD begin to chase the three)

Brucie: Shit, bro, why are the cops all over us?

Luis: Yeah, man. How'd they know what's up?

Mori: Wake up, pansies. I called them. Shit just got intense, huh? Are you Alpha or Omega? You think you can handle it?

Luis: I fucking hate you, bro, you tiny orange turd.

Mori: Come on, Lopez. We're waiting.

Mori: Hurry it up, Lou.

Mori: Lopez. What the fuck? Speed that shit up.

Brucie: The cops are gonna get us for sure.

Brucie: I'm gonna get arrested, I know it.

Brucie: They're coming down heavy, bro.

Brucie: The cops are all over us, man.

Brucie: I don't wanna go to jail, man. Shit.

Brucie: I don't like this.

Brucie: Not cool.

Brucie: Ah, fuck!

(An LCPD helicopter begins to chase the three)

Mori: They got an air unit on us. Now we really got to turn up the heat.

Mori: You think you can handle a chopper, ladies? 'Cause it's on us!

Mori: Smile for the chopper, ladies.

(Mori goes around a corner)

Mori: Don't fuck the cars on this corner now.

Mori: Keep it together on this turn.

Mori: Whoa, sharp corner ahead.

Mori: See how you take this corner.

Luis: Thanks for the intel, genius.

Luis: We don't need your help, idiot.

Luis: I can see shit myself, thank you.

Luis: I'm surprised you can see shit from your low ass driving position, Mori.

Luis: Just shut up and drive, bro.

Brucie: You alright there, Luis?

Brucie: We can't wait for you, Luis. Come on.

Brucie: Luis is way back. Shit.

Brucie: Where's Luis, bro.

(The three drive onto a straight)

Mori: No excuses for pussying out on this fine piece of road. Do it!

Mori: Let's see what you bitches can do on a straight.

Mori: Okay. we got a straight here. Open 'em up.

(Mori drives past a hot dog stand)

Mori: Whoa, them dogs better be kosher. Yeah!

Mori: Oh, hey! Anyone for a beef frank?

Mori: I could stop for a frank and still crush you bitches. Yeah!

(The three approach the first ramp)

Mori: Go straight on this first ramp, okay?

Mori: Don't fuck up the jump. You gotta be in line.

Mori: Okay, now hit this ramp at a good angle. Don't fuck it up.

Luis: Ramp? Just perfect.

Luis: Just what I need? A swim in the Humboldt.

Luis: It's your car, bro. If you want it trashed.

(The three approach the second ramp)

Mori: Don't overdo the second ramp, assholes.

Mori: No go easy on this one. You don't wanna overshoot the third.

(The three arrive in a barge)

Mori: Bring her home, bitches.

Mori: And that, gentlemen, is a wrap.

Mori: Fucking intense! Woo! Did you see Little Lou here though? He started shitting in his panties when the cops showed up. Hey, check it out, Brucie. You know I think Lou here might be even slightly a bigger pussy than you.

Luis: We're done, right? I mean, we're squared? You got your cars now, so now I don't have to sit here and listen to your tiny man bullshit.

Mori: Sure, sure Lou, sure sure sure. You could go... if you're as dumb as you look.

Luis: Excuse me?

Mori: You got an opportunity here. Look at me, look at me. Watch my lips move. I can teach you things. Come on! Think apprentice. Think intern. Minion, yeah! Think squire boy. You, following me all around, learning to become a business mastermind. No more clubs. No more Tony Queen. You, my friend, could be free.

Luis: Mori, is this a joke, man? I mean, you're the guy that needs to learn something. Shit, you're awful, bro. Hey, maybe someone can teach you about the most basic human behavior. Brucie, please, do this guy a favor.

Mori: Brucie?

Brucie: Me?

Luis: Well you're the guy in the family with some manners.

Mori: You think that I could learn something from Little B here? The marshmallow man?

Brucie: Mori.

Mori: This pale piece of turd?

Brucie: Alright cut it out, M.

Mori: The man is nothing but beyond pathetic.

Brucie: Alright! That's it Mori! Cut it out!

Mori: Are you kidding?

(Brucie punches Mori in the face)

Mori: What the fuck man? What the fuck are you doing? Oh God, you know the rules.

Brucie: I-I-I'm sorry Mori, I forgot, man.

Mori: Never, never in the face. Oh come on. This is - this is top work up here. You know I've got a weakened septum.

Brucie: Okay, j-j-just don't tell Mom, okay? Okay?

Mori: Okay. Okay. You gonna take me home?

Brucie: Yeah, shit, okay, yeah, shit. Come on, let's go. Okay. Okay. Come on.

(Brucie helps Mori to his feet)

Mori: Ow ow ow!

Brucie: Yeah yeah yeah, okay.

Luis: See you ladies later, okay?

Brucie: Yeah uh-uh, I'll see you at the club or something! Okay.

Mori: Ow, it hurts so bad.

Alternate dialogue

Brucie: So, Mori, bro, what are we doing?

Mori: We are stealing some cars, little B. You think you can handle that?

Brucie: Shit, yeah, of course, man. I can handle anything you throw at me, bro. This is going to be some slick shit. You, me and Luis Lopez cruising down Algonquin o boost some motherfucking cars.

Mori: Ahh no, don't say cruising, Brucie. It'll get Lewis all excited.

Luis: No way, Mori, the only thing that gets me excited is images of you being driven over by an 19 wheeler.

Brucie: Luis, man, I fucking love your club, bro. I do some serious damage in there, don't I? Tell Mori, bro. Tell him, tell him.

Luis: I'm real distracted when I'm in Maisonette, Brucie. It's work for me. Glad you enjoy it though.

Mori: I think Brucie is talking about Hercules. That's where you pick up, ain't it?

Brucie: Awesome that we can hang like this. Fucking crazy, right? Three mad cats on the prowl for some autos. Scoping some joints. Scoping some bitches. About to do untold damage to this motherfucker! That is how we roll!

Mori: What did you just say?

Brucie: I said 'this is how we roll.' Yeah! Suck it up, bitches!

Mori: What does that even mean? 'This is how we roll'. I certainly don't roll with a flabby little bitch like you. This is a one-off. Do you roll like this, Luis?

Luis: I'm just here to work out that deal we got. I do this for you and we square, right?

Mori: You see? You see what I mean? No one's interested in your pathetic rolling shit. You're a Beta male. Fuck it. Beta. Gamma. You're the Omega man. Bottom of the food chain. You're a bitch's bitch. You hang out with immigrant scumbags and you're wacked out on whale semen.

Brucie: It's bullshark testosterone and that shit fuck works, man!

Mori: Warning! Warning! 'Roid rage alert. 'Roids in the house. Control yourself, little B. Stick a seahorse up your ass, whatever nautical shit you like to calm yourself down with.

Luis: You fucking guys, man. Would you give it a rest?

Mori: Ahh, come on, I only do this 'cause I love him. Look, fucking shoot me, but what can I say?

Failing the mission

Car destroyed

Mori: What is the point in taking a car if it ain't gonna be in a state to make the shipments?

Luis: I don't know. Maybe you shoulda planned for some fuckups.

Brucie: I can always, like, boost another one for you, Mori.

Mori: Shut up, B. These were custom jobs.

Luis: Catch you boys later.

Abandoning Brucie and Mori

Mori: Well if it ain't the slowest Dominican in the Western Hemisphere. You're an embarrassment to your kind, bro.

Luis: I might be slow, Mori. But I can work a baseball bat, man. You want me to demonstrate that Dominican trait on the back of your head?

Mori: Mellow out, bitch. I'll talk to you soon.

Brucie dies

Luis: Fuck! Your brother man. Yo, I'm sorry.

Mori: Uhh yeah, sometimes nature takes the weakest of us so the herd can move faster. But we gotta keep on going.

Luis: Good luck with that philosophy, bro. He might have been confused, but he was a good guy. Later, Mori.