Practice Swing/Script

The following is a script of the mission Practice Swing in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Tony: Oh, where the fuck have you been, man?

Luis: Yeah, I came as soon as I could.

Tony: I don't pay for 'as soon as I could'. Sleeping with half the women in Liberty City, no doubt.

Luis: What's wrong with you, man? You're acting like an asshole.

Tony: You think I don't know that? You think I like being like this?

Luis: Then what's wrong, T?

Tony: I've fucked up. Good and proper. I work Algonquin nightlife twenty years. I beat everyone. Mayors, rivals, drugs, everyone. And this time, I've fucked up. I'm the only man in the history of this town with the hottest gay and straight clubs at the same time and I am about to lose everything.

Luis: What are you talking about, T?

Tony: I don't know if it's that idiot Evan, or the economy, or this fucking cocaine or the pills, which I am not taking anymore, but this time, I fucked up. I've done a deal with the wrong devil, man. I am such an idiot.

Luis: Things have been bad before, man: you get us out of it. I fight, you plot, together we get out of it.

Tony: Sure. But we've never been this fucked before.

Luis: Hey, you saved me, man, made me. Gay Tony will always be the king of this town. You are this town.

Tony: I sold the business to two different people and they each think they own the lot. Man, we're fucked.

Luis: So, I'll go tell them they gave you the money as a present, and if they don't like it, I take them to the special VIP room at the bottom of the West River.

Tony: It's going to be very crowded in the VIP room. These are not nice people and there's a lot of them, and right now, you and me have to go play nice with one of them so they don't start sending rent a goombah into the club. Fuck.

Luis: It's going to be okay, man.

Tony: Yeah, whatever. Meanwhile, there's a- there's this blogger, this nebbish with an internet connection, bad mouthing me all over town. Do you know this guy? "The Celebrinator"?

Luis: Celebre-what?

Tony: Whatever... Come on... Alright who's the girl?

Luis: There wasn't a girl, man.

Tony: There's always a girl.

Dialogue (Chinese Takeout not completed)

Tony: Head down to the pier. We're meeting Rock at the driving range.

or:

Tony: We're meeting Rocco at the driving range.

Luis: We doing something for Rocco? The kid who took your money?

Tony: Yes. One of the joys of getting old is being ordered around by people below the age of consent in Utah.

Luis: Don't you mean it's one of the joys of borrowing money you can't pay back?

Tony: He can take my money, blackmail me, put a gun to my head, but if I'm caught in bed with him it's me who goes to jail.

Luis: Rocco struck me as an insecure prick, but I didn't think he rolled like that.

Tony: He doesn't! I don't think at least. Do you think he does? All that pent up suburban hard man angst. The fake tan and muscles can be confusing.

Luis: Actually, he reminds me of Evan.

Tony: So sue me, I got a type.

Luis: Yeah. Sure. You could call crazy coke addict moron a type.

Tony: You been reading my Lovemeet profile? "Lonely old has been seeks crazy coke head with bulging orange biceps." Enjoy your youth, Luis. You don't appreciate it until it's over.

Luis: Oh yeah, I'll look back on these years of getting shots at and helping you clean up puke as the best times of my life.

(The two arrive at the driving range)

Tony: Let's go find him.

or:

Tony: Come on. He's in here.

(Luis and Tony find Rocco)

Rocco: Oh!

Tony: Rock. Hey. How are you?

Rocco: There they are. The spic and the fag. Tony, shit, you got burrito breath. You ain't been eating Mexican again have you?

Luis: Yo Rock, you've invested in the wrong clubs, man. Maybe Split Sides is more your vibe.

Rocco: Oh, baa da boom. I'm sure I woulda found that funny if I spoke spic. Real shame, I'll have to ask my maid to translate for me.

Tony: Rock, what do you need?

Rocco: I need you to help me get some information out of this union prick who's decided to get an over inflated opinion of himself. These fucking guys, stuck in the 1970s or something.

Tony: Where is he?

Rocco: He's right... down... there.

(Rocco hits a golf ball at the union official but misses)

Rocco: Fuck.

Union Official: You fucking missed me you, you piece of shit. Fucking prick.

Rocco: Oh, big man?

Union Official: Yeah yeah you fuck, you missed me bitch.

Rocco: I'm gonna get down there and go talk to him.

Union Official: You missed. You swing like a fag.

Rocco: You hit him with some balls when I tell you to. You think you can do that for me, Louise?

Luis: Yeah, I'll give it a try.

(Rocco hands the golf club to Luis and heads down to the union official)

Luis: What we doing, man?

Tony: We're keeping our most important investor happy. Just hit it already.

(If Luis hits the official with a golf ball)

Union Official: Shit.

Union Official: Gu-huh. Ow!

Union Official: Uff.

Union Official: Fuuhh!

Union Official: Guh!

Union Official: Arghh.

Rocco: That a boy.

Rocco: Fore!

Rocco: Ouch!

Rocco: Whah bah booom!

Rocco: There ya go.

Rocco: Yesh!

Rocco: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

(If Luis misses)

Rocco: You Dominicans is meant to be athletes.

Rocco: I thought they bred you tacos for sports.

Rocco: I hope you didn't miss on purpose there.

Rocco: Get your fucking eye in, Lou.

Tony: Bend the knees. It's all in the knees.

Tony: Breathe, Lou. Remember to breathe.

Tony: Smoothly does it. Come on now.

Tony: You're not going to win any tour championships, that's for sure.

Luis: Thanks, man.

Luis: Shut up a second.

Luis: Enough of the commentary.

Luis: How am I supposed to hit it with you in my ear?

(Luis hits the official with a golf ball)

Rocco: Who ain't playing ball then? Give it up.

or:

Rocco: Tell us who's causing problems already.

Union Official: There's a guy works at Libel, the foreman on the Columbus Avenue job. He's the guy holding this up.

or:

Union Official: Alright, alright. The other family's got Libel in their pocket. The foreman on the Columbus site's their boy.

Union Official: Alright. Okay. Mel Toblowsky with Libel says he ain't gonna comply. He's working down Columbus Avenue.

Rocco: Okay... so far.

or:

Rocco: I ain't letting you off that easy.

Rocco: You got more than that. I know it.

Union Official: That's it. Let me fucking go already.

or:

Union Official: I told you all I know.

(Rocco drives the cart away)

Luis: Why's he moving it?

Tony: Damned if I know.

Luis: Don't Rocco have someone else to hit the batting cage for him?

Tony: You've met the guy, haven't you? I can't imagine he's got too many friends.

(Luis hits the official with a second golf ball)

Rocco: Who else? Come on!

or:

Rocco: You and I both know that ain't it.

Union Official: I hear Jack Duffy with the TWU might be with them. Okay, now fuck off already.

or:

Union Official: Shit! Jack Duffy's their guy with the Transport Workers Union. Okay?

Union Official: Alright, okay, okay, Jack Duffy, with the Transport Workers. He's getting fat off the other guys.

Rocco: This don't add up.

or:

Rocco: So, you got those two guys...

Rocco: Let me see now.

Union Official: I told you enough already.

or:

Union Official: Let me go!

Union Official: Untie me now, asshole.

(Rocco moves the cart again)

Luis: Rock should get a job at this place.

or:

Luis: He must like driving that thing.

Tony: Where'd you learn to play golf, Lou?

Luis: Right here. Right now. Needs must, Tone. To be honest, I never fancied the game. I find the clothes you have to wear kind of unflattering.

(Luis hits the union official with a third golf ball)

Rocco: There's got to be someone higher up. Give 'em to me!

or:

Rocco: There's got to be more than just those two!

Union Official: This comes from right up top. The head of the LTA! He's in with the Messinas so you can't do shit.

or:

Union Official: This is way over your head, dickwad. The head of the LTA is with the Messinas. You can't do nothing.

Union Official: You fucking assholes. The head of the LTA is with the Messinas. There's no way you're gonna get those contracts.

Union Official: You guys are fucked, okay? The Messinas are gonna be all over your ass.

or:

Union Official: Any moment now my protection's gonna show and you guys are screwed.

Union Official: They know where I am, assholes. I wouldn't wanna be you.

Rocco: We gonna do something about that.

or:

Rocco: You think that means shit to me? Fuck you.

Rocco: You motherfucker.

(Members of the Messina Family enter the golf course and try to kill Rocco)

Rocco: I'm fucked! Help me!

or:

Rocco: Shit. Gimme a fucking hand here.

Rocco: Fuck. Get down here, Taco!

Tony: I don't want to think about the trouble we'll be in if they kill Rocco. Let's get down there.

or:

Tony: I guess we got to go help Rocco.

(Luis goes to help Rocco)

Tony: Shit. Is it safe out there.

Luis: I'll handle these guys. Keep in cover.

or:

Tony: No use us all getting killed.

Luis: Fine. Stay there 'til it's safe.

Union Official: SHIT.

Union Official: SHIT. LET ME GO.

Union Official: DON'T FUCKING KILL ME.

Union Official: I DON'T WANNA DIE.

Union Official: HELP.

Rocco: This is just some innocent golf shit.

Rocco: Blow me!

Rocco: Fuck off!

Rocco: You don't wanna be fucking with me.

Rocco: I'm a made guy.

(Luis kills the Messinas)

Luis: Tony, come on. Let's go.

or:

Luis: We good, Tone. Come out.

(Rocco, Luis and Tony get in their golf carts and flee the area)

Tony: Rocco's going. Follow him.

Union Official: HELP ME! HELP ME!

Union Official: JESUS CHRIST.

Union Official: ASSHOLES!

Union Official: OH FUCK.

Rocco: What the fuck is with these fucks?

Tony: Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Tony: I don't want to die in a golf cart.

Rocco: Fuck you.

(One of the Messina trucks crashes)

Tony: One of them's crashed.

Tony: They're all over us.

(The second Messina truck crashes)

Tony: They crashed. Hit it, Lou.

Luis: Yo, T. I just love your new friends. Fucking fantastic guys.

Tony: Thanks, Lou. Sweet of you to say so.

Tony: That's it. We're clear!

(Luis parks his golf cart next to Rocco's)

Tony: That was a pleasant outing, Rock. Where's that put us with you know what? We square?

Rocco: Square? What you borrowed? At those points? You ain't even making a dent on the interest. Besides, I'm about to have to do all the messy work on this guy myself.

Union Official: No! But I-I-I told you shit. I told you everything.

Rocco: I'll see you girls later.

Union Official: Jesus.

Tony: Come on. Let's head back to the apartment.

(Luis takes Tony back to his apartment)

Luis: Hey you know, I'm really warming to that guy. Like a bad case of crabs.

Tony: Crabs are easier to get rid of. Believe me on that one.

Luis: Thank you for sharing.

Tony: We're business partners, we share everything.

Luis: The emphasis is on business, bro. You can keep your crabs to yourself.

Tony: Sorry, man, but I really got us in the shit here, Luis.

Luis: Tony, man, you got to calm down. You're really pushing it.

Tony: Yeah, well, if you weren't out chasing tail, and this was a two man operation like it should be, then maybe things would be holding together, better.

Luis: Oh! I'm getting blamed for this now? Oh of course. Whenever I come to the clubs you ask me to run off on some stupid errand like a chump. You don't ever let me into the serious shit. And you do deals without even telling me. Until it comes time to protect your ass from whoever you got your fatwa of the day from.

Tony: Alright. Alright. Maybe I have taken you for granted. I'll change. I'll be better.

Luis: Yeah, thank you, but I don't believe it.

(Luis and Tony arrive at the apartment)

Luis: Here we are, bro. Rest up okay.

Tony: Listen, Lou, would you mind paying Mori a visit. He says he needs help with something. I know he's a bit of schmuck, but we owe the man money and I don't want him anywhere near the clubs.

Luis: I feel you there, T. That guy is a social atom bomb. I'll go see him.

Alternate dialogue

Luis: You know what we're needed for at the driving ranger?

Tony: I don't actually. The kid might just want some company. Can you blame him?

Luis: Yeah, I can. I got better things to be doing than babysitting the snot nosed prick.

Tony: Really now? Because some of the girls I seen you with, I could swear their parents must have signed consent forms.

Luis: Oh, funny shit. One of the benefits of running a club is a thorough ID check on any potential interaction.

Tony: Thank the fun police for that little jail dodger. When are you going to settle down, Luis? Spreading all that seed of yours has got to get exhausting, never mind messy.

Luis: Tone, you mind if we don't discuss my seed and what I do with it? Shit, if you and Evan is an example of a long-term relationship, I'm going to steer clear.

Tony: What happened to that Margot girl, anyway? She was nice. Or that English one, Rose, wasn't it?

Luis: It was Daisy, bro. How you know about that shit, anyway?

Tony: I know everything that happens in the clubs. I may be a washed up old has been, but I pay attention.

Luis: You SEEK attention. I'll give you that.

Tony: Thank you.

Failing the mission

Rocco dies

Luis: What a fucking tragedy. He'll be sadly missed.

Tony: Yeah. Keep that smile on your face until after the whole Ancelotti family comes down on us. Shit, I'm not nearly medicated enough to contemplate what might happen next. See ya, Lou.

Rocco's golf cart destroyed

Tony: Here's to another failed endeavor, Lou.

Luis: Something's gonna have to go our way soon, Tone. I can feel it. See you soon, okay.