Ricky Gervais/Script

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The following are scripts for stand-ups by comedian Ricky Gervais at the Split Sides.

Obesity

Announcer: And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Ricky walks onstage waving at the appluading audiance: Whoah. Thank you. Hi, wow thank you very much. What a lovely welcome.

Ricky Gervais: As you know I do a lot of charity work, but in all honesty, I think that some causes are more worthy than others. Obviously cancer is a very worthy cause, AIDS is a very worthy cause, but I got asked to do a benefit gig recently for sufferers of obesity. What? Sufferers of obesity. I said "You mean fat people?",

Minor laughter from audiance

she went, "No because obes...". Well, she actually went, "No because obe...", she was eating.

Laughter

So she went, "Obesity is a disease". I went, "No it's not, is it?

laughter

No it's not, you just like eating, don't you?"

more laughter

How is that a disease?

Immitates person scoffing food into their mouth: "Oh, I'm so fucking ill..." num, num, "Oh I'm well ill",

Laughter

I went "What's the disease?". She went "Everything tastes good".

Laughter

Everything? "Not salads". That's not a disease, leprosy is a disease. Can you imagine Jesus in the Temple, people coming up to him in bandages, going "Jesus my flesh is falling off"? And he goes "I cant stop now - there's a fat woman over there on her third pie".

laughter

Ricky Sighs

Saw a documentary about a woman who was three hundred and fifty pounds, cause she ate ten pie and chips a day. That'll do it.

Laughter

Ten pie and chips a day, ten separate meals, ten separate trips to the chip shop. In a cab, didn't even walk that. Wasted calories.

laughter

So in this documentary they wired her jaw together, to try and stop her eating. So she liquidized ten pie and chips a day.

loud laughter

Pie smoothies. Now she's not even chewing, that used up ten calories. So, er, they took her to hospital... to give her that operation where they staple your stomach together. And she was sitting there in hospital, looking all depressed, well you can't eat for an hour before an operation can ya?

laughter

And she went, "It's, it's a dangerous operation, but it's the only option left".

Ricky puts his hand up, points to himself, then puts his hand down

One, jogging? Oh you don't even walk. Um...

Laughter

Salads? You don't like salads, ok. Nine pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it?

Loud laughter

They make excuses, don't they, fat people? They say things like... "It's glandular". It's not glandular, it's greed.

laughter

"It's big bones". Yeah, big bones covered in meat and gravy.

laughter

Unbelievable, always complain. "Oh... aeroplane seats...

Ricky pretends to put food in his mouth

laughter

They're not big enough for someone like me." No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane!

Loud Laughter

"It's not fair." It is fair, you ate too much. And if we're talking about fairness, and aeroplanes, why is it that I get the same luggage allowance as a guy who's four hundred pounds? We're both allowed thirty-two kilograms on the plane. I wanna go "No, he used up his thirty-two kilograms on his tits!".

Applause, laughter and clapping

Ricky starts to walk off stage

Thanks very much, goodnight. Enjoy your meals.

He points to a guy in the crowd

Not you, you've had enough.

War

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

(Ricky walks onto stage waving to the audiance as they clap)

Ricky: Hi, How you doing? Cheers, thanks. I have been known... to have a go at fat people. But the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself.

Guy in audiance: No shit!

(Ricky Points to crowd and laughs)

Ricky: Somone shouted, "No shit".

(Laughter)

Could be that. Forty years build up.

(Laughter)

I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour, and I've had medicals before for TV work. And they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine". But I went along to the doctor, and he said uh... "Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour...we need a urine sample." I've never had to do that before, so ah... you know, I went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold. Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?" I thought, "this is thorough". So I stripped down to my boxer shorts,

(Ricky pretends to pull down his pants)

"Ah for fu..." The one day I wear white boxer shorts...

(Ricky points to his groin area)

Big wet patch from the wee.

(Laughter)

Well, why didn't he warn me? Why didn't he say, "Be carful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I... So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do. I told my friend. And my friend went: "You should have gone commando!" Well, that would have been less embarresing, wouldn't it?

(Laughter)

So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and I go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can I do? I know!"

(Ricky pretends to pull off his underwear and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips)

(Laughter)

Ricky: Go commando... do commandos not wear pants? Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants... I donno, any commandos in... do you wear...?

(Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him)

"Why you... Why you not wearing pants?"

(Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him)

"What do you mean, cuz' we're commandos? They... There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!" "Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting bi...???

(Laughter)

Look, theres barbed wire up... You're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...!?

(Loud laughter)

Go commando. But I am a bit overweight... I never worried about that before was famous. And I'm not more vain now. It's that you read about youreslf... and the papers. They need an adjective. They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian". They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian".

(Laughter)

Why bring that into it? "Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian." Rotund!?! That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund! One called me a chubby funster! That's a gay porn name!

(Laughter)

I was jogging once,

(Ricky jogs on the spot)

Listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player. "Oh yeah, looking good" Paparazzi got me. Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline... "iPodge".

(Hysterical laughter)

Cheeky bastards.

(Ricky starts to walk offstage audiance applauds, cheers and claps.)

Thanks very much, good night!