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Revision as of 09:44, 21 February 2009 by Spaceeinstein
Nameless Killer Strikes Again
Will nothing stop what's-his-face?
The serial killer our unimaginative police force and media cannot name has struck again. This time, a jogger in Alderney got the chop as a headless body was found in some bushes by the river. The body had been badly mutilated and taken advantage of, and police have still not identified the victim. Local residents are starting to panic. One local heavy-set woman, Siobhan Phillips, told us, "They say keeping fit is good for you; well, it wasn't good for this man - he went running and had his head chopped off by a maniac." Of greater concern for many is the failure by our police force to name the killer. Surely a man who chops off heads for fun could inspire a funny nickname or moniker of some sort?
Serial Killer Found Dead - He Has A Name - Eddie Low
Nickname found disappointing
The serial killer they couldn't name has been found. Dead. The killer is believed to have killed up to 10 people over the last few months, usually joggers or nighttime strollers. Police believe he attacked the wrong person, and was himself killed in a fight. Detective Jon Atkinson told this newspaper, "It is very disappointing. I was just about to make an arrest. I'd solved the case. His name was Eddie Low. He lived in Dukes - I was literally heading over to his house when the news came in another body had turned up. Obviously, the screenplay I am writing about the case will now have a slightly different ending, in which I make the arrest, and it will carry the subtitle 'based on true events', because that will make a better story." The mayor commented, "This is not the LCPD's finest hour. We have a killer on the loose for months, and no leads; then they give him this stupid nickname - 'Eddie Low'.