Uncle Vlad/Script

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Script

Niko: Hey, what's wrong?

Roman: Hey, cousin. Bullshit.

Niko: What's bullshit?

Roman: Mallorie.

Niko: Oh. What about her?

Roman: I like her... I really like her...

Niko: But you keep messing around with other women.

Roman: Yeah... no. I think she's messing around with Vlad. I saw his car parked outside her place the other day.

Niko: Yeah...

Roman: You knew?

Niko: I had suspicions.

Roman: You fucking knew?

Niko: What was I going to say?

Roman: You knew my woman was banging this warthog and you didn't do anything?

Niko: I didn't...

Roman: You didn't say anything?

Niko: I didn't know!

Roman: You're an asshole, Niko Bellic, a disloyal user. After what I did for you, you dick! You fucking dick!

Niko: I'm sorry!

Roman: Screw you.

Niko: Alright, so you want me to deal with it, right now?

Roman: No. Sit down.

Niko: No! I'm not going to stand here and have you call me disloyal. You might let some Russian asswipe bang your woman, but I won't.

Roman: But you fucking did!

Niko: That before I knew you cared! You always were a hypocrite.

(Niko walks out)

Roman: Niko... wait. Don't do anything stupid. Wait for me!

Driving to Comrades

Roman: Tell me you're just blowing off some steam... You're going for a little drive... you're going to leave Vlad alone, right?

(Niko and Roman enter vehicle)

Roman: Don't do anything stupid, cousin.

Niko: Nothing as stupid as letting that fat swine give it to Mallorie.

Roman: Hey, it happens, we have an open relationship. I do my thing, she does hers. Maybe next time I might watch them at it... Urgh... to watch his fat, hairy, sweaty back going up and down. I can't take it. How could she do this?

Niko: I knew you cared. I have to do this.

Alternative Conversation

Roman: Cousin, this is crazy. We got each other. We don't need women in our lives. I getting tired of Mallorie. She's too old for me anyway.

Niko: You have been pushed around too much, Roman. You let these people use you, use me. They will not use Mallorie as well. She is too good for that.

Roman: She's too good for me. Vlad should have her.

Niko: I will show Vladdy what he can have.

(They arrive at Comrades)

Roman: Wait Niko, you have to think this through.

Niko: Stay out here, let the big boys have their conversation inside.

At Comrades

Vlad: Gimme a drink.

Mickey: You got it.

Vlad: Anyway... Cabbages? Why eat cabbages when you can have potatoes?

(Vlad and his goons laugh. Niko walks in)

Niko: Hey.

Vlad: Potatoes...

Niko: Vladdy boy! I'd like a word with you.

Vlad: What are you doing here? Did I summon you... boy?

Niko: I told you to stay away from Mallorie.

Vlad: Go away!

Niko: And now Roman is upset.

Vlad: Oh, Roman is upset. Excuse me. Do you think I give a fuck, peasant?

(Roman walks in)

Vlad: Oh, there he is. Hey fatty, I'm sorry you're so upset. Boo fucking hoo.

Roman: Hey, Vlad, can't we just talk about this?

Niko: Hold on. You stay away from Mallorie.

Vlad: I must be hearing things... I could have sworn for a minute this ratty little yokel told me what to do. Did you hear that boys?

Goon: Yeah.

Vlad: Now... get them out of here!

Chasing Vlad

Roman: Alright, he's running away. We win, let's go home.

Niko: I'm not walking away until this thing is finished.

Roman: It is finished, he's running. We won't see him again.

Niko: He'll come back. The only thing that will hold him down is six feet of dirt.

Roman: Forget about Mallorie. Plans change and... you know, when Vlad is done with her...

Niko: Grow a fucking spine. You think Vlad won't come after us when I am chasing him like this? I have to end it, here and now.

Roman: Shit, I don't like this. Fuck... fuck.

Alternative Conversation

Roman: You scared him good, Niko. He's going to stay away from Mallorie for sure.

Niko: I am not done with Vladdy yet. Not even nearly am I done with him.

Roman: Come on, Niko. This is stupid. All for a woman. We should not throw everything away for one girl.

Niko: This is principle, we do this because we will not be stepped upon. By doing nothing, we let Vlad take everything from us.

Killing Vlad

(Vlad crashes)

Niko: Keep your head down, I'm going to finish this.

Roman: Stop, Niko... shit!

(Niko confronts Vlad)

Vlad: Fucking yokel, you think you can get away with killing me?

Niko: I guess I'll find out.

Vlad: You think this is worth it? You're throwing you and your fatty cousin's lives away for that bit of Puerto Rican chocha.

Niko: I'm throwing your life away, prick. We'll do alright.

Vlad: My friends will track you down, you won't last a moment.

Niko: I'll last longer than you will, shithead.

Vlad: Fuck you, I wish I could be there to watch Mikhail cut your peasant balls off.

(Niko prepares to execute Vlad)

Vlad: You've killed yourself and your cousin, yokel. You are dead man.

Vlad: Hove Beach is a small place, my friends will find you.

(Niko shoots him through the eye)

Niko: You were the stupid one, Vladdy boy. Nobody fucks with my family.

After Killing Vlad

(Niko drags Vlad's body toward the water. Roman runs over)

Niko: Eeeh, you're a big boy Vladdy.

Roman: Niko!

Niko: Well, I guess this is over.

Roman: What have you done?

Niko: What does it look like?

Roman: We're dead!

Niko: No, he's dead... we're fine.

Roman: He has powerful friends... serious people... I told you to be calm you hot headed chump!

Niko: I am calm. He tried to kill us. He screwed your girlfriend. What do you expect? I give him a massage?

Roman: Shit! Shit! Shit!

Niko: When I was in the army... we were going on a mission... to ambush a squad who had killed a lot of innocent people. They were our enemies... but we never did it. There were fifteen of us. All boys from the village. But one of us betrayed the group. It was a setup... for money! Twelve people died, three escaped. I know the traitor was not me... So for ten years I've been searching for the other two. One of them lives here.

Roman: Why are you telling me this now? Do you always get sentimental after you kill people?

Niko: You kept asking...

Roman: Wonderful! You're here on some revenge mission for something that happened ten years ago. And you don't care whose life you ruin on the way?

Niko: No.

Roman: Well what?

Niko: I don't know... I just want to know why they did it.

Roman: Well right now I don't think you're going to find out. Let's hide the body, at least for a while...

Niko: Put him in the river...

(Together, they roll his body toward the water as a siren wails in the distance)

Roman: Shit. We should get out of here.

Niko: You go. I'll catch up with you later.

(Roman runs off and Niko pushes Vlad into the river)

Failing the mission

Vlad escapes

Roman: Great, you lost Vlad. He's probably gone back to Mallorie's for a post drive screw.

(Niko drops Roman back at the cab depot)

Roman: This is fate telling us to give up, cousin.

Niko: I decide when I will give up on something, cousin.