Undertaker/Script

Pre mission phone calls

Derrick killed

Patrick

Patrick: Niko, I don't know if you've heard it but my brother, Derrick's dead.

Niko: No shit.

Patrick: Yeah. I just hope he was smacked out of his brain when it happened because it wouldn't have suited him to be jonesing when he died.

Niko: There isn't any good way to go though, is there?

Patrick: I guess not, Gerald got arrested too. They got him in the Alderney State Correctional Facility.

Niko: They took Gerry down?

Patrick: Don't worry, he's always being hauled in but the charges don't stick. Come to Derrick's funeral. It'd mean a lot to the family. It's today at the Church in Suffolk.

Niko: I'll stop by, man. I'll see you there.

Patrick: Remember to wear a suit, Niko. We can't have you dressed like a bum in the church.

Kate

Kate: Hi Niko.

Niko: Hey Kate, I am sorry to hear about your brother.

Kate: Yeah. I didn't really know Derrick that well. I remember looking up to him as a kid. He had a dream back then, he was inspired. The Derrick that came back to Liberty City was broken. He probably wanted to die.

Niko: Yeah, it still has to be hard for you.

Kate: It's hard for my ma. I'm trying to be there for her. Are you going to be at the funeral?

Niko: Sure, I'll see you there, Kate. Goodbye.

Script

Derrick's funeral

Preacher: While no one is suggesting he was an angel, none of us are... that is why God put us on earth and now in heaven. The trials of humanity were sometimes too much for him to bear, but he was a committed family man, and a man of beliefs. God asks us to show faith and that is what he did, in his way. Derrick gave us so much of himself and will be so sorely missed by us all. Amen.

Crowd: Amen.

Preacher: Now, if you will all please join me, in the procession to the cemetery.

(Everyone goes outside and Niko walks up to Kate)

Niko: I'm sorry for your loss.

Kate: I'm not. I'm sorry for Ma. I gave up on my brothers a long time ago. The most I ever expected from the, was to put flowers on their coffins.

Niko: You've got a strange family.

Kate: Who doesn't?

Niko: I don't know.

(A car of Albanians drive by and begin shooting)

Patrick: Down, everybody get down!

Kate: Oh, my God!

Preacher: Come on, come on, get inside!

(Niko and Patrick begin fighting the Albanians)

Patrick: Niko, will you help me protect my family?

Niko: Of course, Packie.

Albanians: Eat shit, McRearys.

Albanians: Fuck you, McReary.

Albanians: You killed us, now we kill you.

Albanians: There will be more funerals in your family.

Albanians: Pathetic Americans, you thought we would not find you.

Albanians: You fucked up a good thing, McRearys.

Albanians: You fucked with us, we will fuck with you.

Albanians: You have taste of own medicine, McRearys.

Albanians: We are on to you, Mickey bastards.

Albanians: We are not as stupid as you think, Irishmen.

Patrick: What in the hell is this, don't these people have any damn respect? It's my own brother's funeral!

Patrick: Stay back, me and Niko will handle this.

Patrick: This has got to be about the deal Gerry fucked up between the Ancelottis and those Albanians.

Patrick: You don't got no respect.

Patrick: Ain't no more McRearys ending up in caskets today.

Patrick: Gerry would love to be here shooting you too.

Patrick: I am pleased Gerry picked his fight with you.

Patrick: You damn disrespectful bastards.

Patrick: Gerry was right to screw with you.

Patrick: This is a religious place!

Patrick: Ain't you got no thoughts for the dead?

Patrick: I'm gonna teach ya for doing this at my brother's funeral.

Patrick: At a funeral, Jesus - you scum!

(A second car shows up)

Patrick: There's more coming. Watch out, Niko.

(A third car shows up)

Patrick: Jesus, there's another car. It's like a whole damn army.

(More Albanians show up through the alleyway)

Patrick: They're coming through the alleyway, Niko. Watch the alleyway.

(They kill the attackers and Patrick tells the mourners to leave)

Patrick: It looks like that's all of 'em for now. Get out of the church, come on! Alright Niko, it's time to go but we're taking my brother with us. Can you drive the Romero?

(More Albanians show up and damage the back door)

Patrick: There's a whole lot of air where the back doors should be, Niko. Go easy on her or my brother'll fall out.

or:

Patrick: Shit, we lost the back doors. Don't lose my brother too. Go easy there, Niko.

Patrick: Dammit. We're some back doors light, Niko. The fucking casket better not fall out. Go easy.

(If the coffin comes close to falling out)

Patrick: My brother's about to fall out the back of this thing. Christ, Niko.

or:

Patrick: We're about to lose my brother, Niko!

Patrick: I don't wanna lose my brother, Niko. Come on.

Patrick: Shit, Niko. Calm it or we'll lose my brother.

Patrick: Niko. My brother's about to hit the road.

Patrick: Christ! The casket's about to fall out.

(They lose the attacks)

Patrick: I don't think they're after us no more, Niko. If Derrick was alive he'd need a shit load of horse to deal with the stress of this situation.

Niko: If Derrick was alive we wouldn't be in this situation.

Patrick: That's a valid point, Niko. Who knows what sort of situation we'd be in? Derrick needed good dose of smack to cope with most of the situations that life threw at him. You gotta admit that.

Niko: We all have our ways of coping, Packie. That was Derrick's He had a hard life.

Patrick: He's having a hard death too if this is anything to go by. I never knew it was so difficult to put a body in the ground. That's why I normally tie breeze blocks to 'em and throw 'em in the Humboldt.

Niko: Is that what you suggest we do with your brother?

Patrick: You're a sick man, Niko. I'd fucking slap you if I didn't love ya so much. It's only consecrated ground for a brother of mine.