Undertaker/Script

Pre mission phone calls

Derrick killed

Patrick

Patrick: Niko, I don't know if you've heard it but my brother, Derrick's dead.

Niko: No shit.

Patrick: Yeah. I just hope he was smacked out of his brain when it happened because it wouldn't have suited him to be jonesing when he died.

Niko: There isn't any good way to go though, is there?

Patrick: I guess not, Gerald got arrested too. They got him in the Alderney State Correctional Facility.

Niko: They took Gerry down?

Patrick: Don't worry, he's always being hauled in but the charges don't stick. Come to Derrick's funeral. It'd mean a lot to the family. It's today at the Church in Suffolk.

Niko: I'll stop by, man. I'll see you there.

Patrick: Remember to wear a suit, Niko. We can't have you dressed like a bum in the church.

Kate

Kate: Hi Niko.

Niko: Hey Kate, I am sorry to hear about your brother.

Kate: Yeah. I didn't really know Derrick that well. I remember looking up to him as a kid. He had a dream back then, he was inspired. The Derrick that came back to Liberty City was broken. He probably wanted to die.

Niko: Yeah, it still has to be hard for you.

Kate: It's hard for my ma. I'm trying to be there for her. Are you going to be at the funeral?

Niko: Sure, I'll see you there, Kate. Goodbye.

Francis killed

Patrick

Patrick: There's one less cop on the streets of Liberty City.

Niko: What do you mean, Packie?

Patrick: I mean that my cop brother Francis McReary is no longer with us.

Niko: You and Gerry must be very upset.

Patrick: Hardly - couldn't stand the bastard myself. That said, the only celebrating Gerry's gonna be able to do will be in prison. He got hauled in last night.

Niko: Shit, is it serious?

Patrick: Charges ain't gonna stick, don't worry. Anyway, it'd mean a lot to the family if you'd come to Francis's funeral. It's at the church in Suffolk today.

Niko: I'll stop by, man. I'll see you there.

Patrick: Remember to wear a suit, Niko. We can't have you dressed like a bum in the church.

Kate

Kate: Hi Niko.

Niko: Hey Kate, I am sorry to hear about your brother.

Kate: You're probably the only one. He was too much of a cop for my family to accept him, and too much of a gangster to be accepted by the cops.

Niko: What did you think about him?

Kate: To be honest, I thought this would have happened earlier. Then again, I expect to get a call from the coroner about any one of my brothers every day. You going to be at the funeral?

Niko: Sure, I'll see you there, Kate. Goodbye.

Script

Derrick's funeral

Preacher: While no one is suggesting he was an angel, none of us are... that is why God put us on earth and now in heaven. The trials of humanity were sometimes too much for him to bear, but he was a committed family man, and a man of beliefs. God asks us to show faith and that is what he did, in his way. Derrick gave us so much of himself and will be so sorely missed by us all. Amen.

Crowd: Amen.

Preacher: Now, if you will all please join me, in the procession to the cemetery.

(Everyone goes outside and Niko walks up to Kate)

Niko: I'm sorry for your loss.

Kate: I'm not. I'm sorry for Ma. I gave up on my brothers a long time ago. The most I ever expected from them was to put flowers on their coffins.

Niko: You've got a strange family.

Kate: Who doesn't?

Niko: I don't know.

(After Niko and Patrick fend off the attackers)

Patrick: Alright, man. We're burying Derrick in the graveyard in Steinway. Let's get there.

(Niko and Patrick lose any pursuing Albanians)

Derrick: If Derrick was alive he'd need a shit load of horse to deal with the stress of this situation.

Niko: If Derrick was alive we wouldn't be in this situation.

Patrick: That's a valid point, Niko. Who knows what sort of situation we'd be in? Derrick needed good dose of smack to cope with most of the situations that life threw at him. You gotta admit that.

Niko: We all have our ways of coping, Packie. That was Derrick's He had a hard life.

Patrick: He's having a hard death too if this is anything to go by. I never knew it was so difficult to put a body in the ground. That's why I normally tie breeze blocks to 'em and throw 'em in the Humboldt.

Niko: Is that what you suggest we do with your brother?

Patrick: You're a sick man, Niko. I'd fucking slap you if I didn't love ya so much. It's only consecrated ground for a brother of mine.

(Niko and Patrick arrive at the graveyard in Steinway)

Patrick: Alright, we're fucking here. Let's bury this bastard.

Kate: Thanks, Niko.

Niko: What for?

Kate: Derrick never had many friends, he sort of lived in his own head. It means a lot - you coming here and helping this messed up family of mine.

Niko: I did not come for Derrick, I came for you and Packie.

Kate: Like I said, thanks. Give me a call sometime, Niko.

Francis' funeral

Preacher: While no one is suggesting he was an angel, none of us are... that is why God put us on earth and now in heaven. The trials of humanity were sometimes too much for him to bear, but he was a committed family man, and a man of beliefs. God asks us to show faith and that is what he did, in his way. Francis gave us so much of himself and will be so sorely missed by us all. Amen.

Crowd: Amen.

Preacher: Now, if you will all please join me, in the procession to the cemetery.

(Outside the church, Maureen and the preacher talk)

Maureen: Francis was a good boy.

Preacher: You must have faith.

(Everyone goes outside and Niko walks up to Kate)

Niko: I'm sorry for your loss.

Kate: I'm not. I'm sorry for Ma. I gave up on my brothers a long time ago. Most I ever expected from them was to put flowers on their coffins.

Niko: You've got a strange family.

Kate: Who doesn't?

Niko: I don't know.

(A car of Albanians drive by and begin shooting)

Preacher: Oh my God get the hell out of the way!

???: Let's go inside, it's gonna be alright.

Kate: Come on, come on!

(Niko and Patrick begin fighting the Albanians)

Patrick: Frankie's plot is in the graveyard on Colony Island, Niko. Can we put him in the ground?

(Niko and Patrick lose any pursuing Albanians)

Patrick: Shit, I never thought I'd be on the run from some Albanian gangsters with a cop in the car. Can't we call for backup or something?

Niko: are you suggesting that I'm a fucking cop? I thought that you would know better than that.

Patrick: No, you dumb European fuck, I meant my brother, Francis. It was a joke.

Niko: Hell of a fucking time to be making jokes about your dead brother.

Patrick: You know, I'm still not that fond of the guy, even in his death. I guess that's what turning cop'll do to a fraternal relationship.

Niko: I guess you've got enough brothers to hate one of them.

Patrick: Swiftly running out, Niko. Ain't got that many left. Now that Francis is on his way to the graveyard, and Gerald is behind bars alls I got left is that smack-head Derrick.

Niko: You've got Katie.

Patrick: I coulda fucking guessed you'd bring her up. I was thinking you only kept those hitmen away from the church to protect my sister.

Niko: I did it all for you.

Patrick: Sure you did, Niko. Tell yourself you did it out of the grace of your own heart rather than for another piece of your anatomy. Which ain't gonna get used, I might add.

(Niko and Patrick arrive at the graveyard on Colony Island)

Patrick: Finally, it's time to say goodbye to my brother. Amen.

Kate: Thanks, Niko.

Niko: What for?

Kate: Guys like you don't like cops. Being here, helping us out... I appreciate it.

Niko: Is not that I don't like cops, you do what you do to get by. Cops are just regular guys trying to survive. Anyway, I'm not here for Francis. I am here for you and Packie.

Kate: Like I said, thanks. Give me a call sometime, Niko.

Dialogue

(A car of Albanians drive by and begin shooting)

Patrick: Down, everybody get down!

Kate: Oh, my God!

Preacher: Come on, come on, get inside!

(Niko and Patrick begin fighting the Albanians)

Patrick: Niko, will you help me protect my family?

Niko: Of course, Packie.

or:

Patrick: Niko, are you gonna help me stop these bastards from killing any more McRearys?

Niko: I'll do my best, Packie.

Patrick: What in the hell is this, don't these people have any damn respect? It's my own brother's funeral!

or:

Patrick: This is a place of God. Jesus Christ! Can't these people shoot at us on another day?

Patrick: As if my mother hasn't gone through enough without a bunch of goons shooting up her son's funeral.

Patrick: Stay back, me and Niko will handle this.

or:

Patrick: Don't come out of the fucking church.

Patrick: Things ain't pretty out here. Stay in the church.

Patrick: This has got to be about the deal Gerry fucked up between the Ancelottis and those Albanians.

or:

Patrick: This must be some of those Albanian guys Gerry was fucking with.

Patrick: You don't got no respect.

Patrick: Ain't no more McRearys ending up in caskets today.

Patrick: Gerry would love to be here shooting you too.

Patrick: I am pleased Gerry picked his fight with you.

Patrick: You damn disrespectful bastards.

Patrick: Gerry was right to screw with you.

Patrick: This is a religious place!

Patrick: Ain't you got no thoughts for the dead?

Patrick: I'm gonna teach ya for doing this at my brother's funeral.

Patrick: At a funeral, Jesus - you scum!

Albanians: Eat shit, McRearys.

Albanians: Fuck you, McReary.

Albanians: You killed us, now we kill you.

Albanians: There will be more funerals in your family.

Albanians: Pathetic Americans, you thought we would not find you.

Albanians: You fucked up a good thing, McRearys.

Albanians: You fucked with us, we will fuck with you.

Albanians: You have taste of own medicine, McRearys.

Albanians: We are on to you, Mickey bastards.

Albanians: We are not as stupid as you think, Irishmen.

(A second car shows up)

Patrick: There's more coming. Watch out, Niko.

or:

Patrick: We got more of these bastards coming. Hold them off.

Patrick: Another fucking car load, Jesus.

Patrick: They've sent more of the bastards.

Patrick: Jesus Christ, there's more of them.

Patrick: Shit, there's more. Protect my family.

(A third car shows up)

Patrick: Jesus, there's another car. It's like a whole damn army.

or:

Patrick: Another car full, Niko. This is a full on assault.

Patrick: Shit, it looks like we got more of 'em coming. Man up, Niko.

(More Albanians show up through the alleyway)

Patrick: They're coming through the alleyway, Niko. Watch the alleyway.

or:

Patrick: Hold 'em back, Niko. They're coming through the alleyway.

Patrick: Check the alleyway, Niko. Cover the fucking alleyway.

(Niko and Patrick kill the attackers)

Patrick: It looks like that's all of 'em for now.

or:

Patrick: I don't reckon they can throw much more at us.

Patrick: There can't be a lot more where they came from, right?

(Patrick tells the mourners to leave)

Patrick: Get out of the church, come on!

or:

Patrick: I think we got 'em! Make a run for the cars!

Patrick: Make a run for the cars! Quickly!

(The mourners leave)

Patrick: Alright Niko, it's time to go but we're taking my brother with us. Can you drive the Romero?

or:

Patrick: Get in the Romero.

Patrick: Niko, get behind the wheel of that Romero. You, me and my brother are getting out of here.

Patrick: Okay Niko. Time to get out of here but I ain't leaving my poor dead brother to the mercy of them animals.

(More Albanians show up and damage the back door)

Patrick: They're really giving it to us, Niko.

or:

Patrick: Shit, we're taking a pounding.

Patrick: We ain't looking pretty, man.

Patrick: Don't these scum let up for a second.

Patrick: This ain't good, Niko.

Patrick: If this ain't a fucking beating I don't know what is.

Patrick: There's a whole lot of air where the back doors should be, Niko. Go easy on her or my brother'll fall out.

or:

Patrick: Shit, we lost the back doors. Don't lose my brother too. Go easy there, Niko.

Patrick: Dammit. We're some back doors light, Niko. The fucking casket better not fall out. Go easy.

(If the coffin comes close to falling out)

Patrick: My brother's about to fall out the back of this thing. Christ, Niko.

or:

Patrick: We're about to lose my brother, Niko!

Patrick: I don't wanna lose my brother, Niko. Come on.

Patrick: Shit, Niko. Calm it or we'll lose my brother.

Patrick: Niko. My brother's about to hit the road.

Patrick: Christ! The casket's about to fall out.

(They lose the attackers)

Patrick: I don't think they're after us no more, Niko.

or:

Patrick: It don't look like they're following us no more, thank fuck.

Patrick: I think we've finally lost 'em.

Alternate dialogue

Patrick: Only a McReary family funeral would get shot up like this, Niko We're a family cursed. I'm telling you that now.

Niko: How'd you figure?

Patrick: One brother in jail, another killed and the funeral attacked. You can't tell me this is just bad luck.

Niko: Yeah, well, Gerry got stung by the law because of the shit he was involved in. I don't know why your brother got killed but it looks like the funeral got shot up because of the shit Gerry was into. If you're going to fuck up an Albanian's gang's arrangement with the Mafia, there might be some backlash.

Patrick: Consider us fucking backlashed then. Maybe bad shit just happens when you got a family made up of dirty cops, and smack-heads, and gangsters, and petty hoods.

Niko: Only a petty hood, Packie? You're involved in more shit than that.

Patrick: Modesty's one of the few virtues I'm blessed with, Niko. Anyway, maybe our curse is just us McRearys being screw ups. That means the men is in for a bad time but Katie's gonna make it out the other side. She'll stay clean and come out good.

Niko: She will, Packie.

Failing the mission

Abandoning Patrick

Patrick: There ain't now way we're making it to the graveyard now, is there?

Niko: This must be a hard day for you, Packie. I'm sorry.

Derrick's casket falls out

Patrick: There goes my brother, Derrick.

or:

Patrick: I guess me brother ain't making it into the ground.

Niko: I'm sorry about Derrick's casket, Packie.

Patrick: There's a lot to be sorry for on this day, Niko. But you ain't to blame for none of it. I'll speak to ya soon.

Francis's casket falls out

Patrick: Bye, bye, Francis.

Niko: I'm sorry about Francis's casket, Packie.

Patrick: My ma's the only one in the family who thought he deserved a burial. He should a got one just for her. Later on, Niko.

Romero is destroyed

Patrick: There ain't now way we're making it to the graveyard now, is there?

Niko; I am sorry that we weren't able to bury your brother, Packie.

Patrick: Yeah, well, there ain't a lot more that coulda been done. Other members of my family'll be more upset. See ya, Niko,