Sumo Wordman

The following is a script of all the acts in Perestroika in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Show 1

The Incredible Kleinman & Bluesy St. John

Announcer: We have two great acts coming up. First, the Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Welcome. I am constantly asked, "Kleinman, when did you discover you were magic? Have you ever used your powers for good? Like making cancer patients or nuclear warheads disappear?" One man even asked me, "Can you make my masculinity disappear?" But I am here to entertain you, not your bi-curious fantasies. I will now make my assistant... float! I will defeat gravity. I will be the master of Isaac Newton! Now... arise! Arise! Arise! Yes, there! There! Higher! Higher! Lower! Higher! Lower! Ah yes, I can make this filthy woman fall under my dominion. Oh, arise! Yes!

Audience: You suck, asshole!

Kleinman: Eat shit! Aaagh, Laurel? Laurel? Oh, Laurel, you're... oh, you're a quadraplegic!

Announcer: Don't worry, everybody. She's probably only paraplegic! Now let's hear it for Ms Bluesy St. John!

Bluesy: Welcome. Welcome to momma's little show. Yeah. Yeah, play it, Al. Play it. Al's the fine piano player. Pre-recorded because his union got a little mouthy and greedy so we sing to his CD now. But I still feel like he's here in spirit. I have a little song I want to share with you. It's about something that's happened to us all. No, no, I'm not talking about getting sandwiched by two Lebanese train porters in the caboose. No. I'm talking about losing your baby. You know, they get picked up by a stranger on the way to go to school. And then you grab a bottle of gin down from the dusty cupboard where you put it and you wake up in the sterile belly of a spaceship, and a man comes over and looks like your father, and you realize that day your dad disappeared he didn't leave your mom for the fat bitch at the gas station. He was abducted. And your captors put you down in a farm field late at night somewhere in Iowa. And they painted patterns in the corn. And the crickets are singing and the cows baying in the distance and your backside hurts something fierce from the probing - woo! And the holy ghost is there too. Man, the lord has a ghost. And there's a girl on a swingset and you go push her off the swing. And you know what - we're all that little girl sometimes. Sometimes life pushes you off a swing. Or makes you a little girl, even when you're a little boy. Well, that's all I got time for tonight. I love you all. Thank you so much. Good night.

Announcer: Ms Bluesy St. John!

Show 2

Dusty Cowpoke & Catch

Announcer: And now's the time for American cowboy! Welcome, Dusty Cowpoke! What is problem? He's just like real Texas cowboy! Maybe you'll like next show better. Here it is, great juggler named Catch! Thank you very much. We have more shows soon!

Show 3

Bluesy St. John & The Incredible Kleinman

Announcer: And now welcome Ms Bluesy St. John!

Bluesy: Yeah... Ooh, I'm feeling pretty hot tonight. Yeah, you're looking good out there. I would let every one of you have me like a train. Chooo-Chooo-Chooo. Well, you all do look hot tonight. Like someone's been putting cigarettes out on your back and slapping you across the face as the sun sets. Mmmmm. Let's talk about something that women feel now. I'm not talking about the hot fists of a man deprived. I'm talking about you try sleeping with your husband's brother but it don't help. So, you decide it's time to make a change. And it goes a little something like this. Here we go. You take two pills in the morning, yeah. And two in the afternoon. Ooh yeah, mmm hmmm. Give it to me before bedtime, baby. Cause I'll be a man soon. With an Adam's Apple bobbing up and down, up and down, yeah. I can't get me no rest now. Till I grow hair on my breasts. That's right. That's what I said. Mmm hmm. Well, I'll walk up in my office, baby, yeah. And they say Jill is now a Jack. Oh yes, yes, yes - mmm hmmm. She was such a sweet, sweet girl. And boy, and boy what a rack. Now I do have me some great tits now, don't I? Well... But, but baby I've been disrespected now. So this Karen's gonna become a Keith. And if any man gives me shit I'll stick a boot right in his teeth. Cause I'm tired of being a woman, now... I'm ready... to be a real man. Yeah. A real, real man. Now, don't call me no tranny, baby. You just call me Tom - Tom or Sam. That's Mr. Tom or Sam to you, baby, ha ha. Well, I'm tired of being a woman, baby. I'm ready to be a real man. Ooh, a real man...

Announcer: She's so sexy, isn't she? Please don't get sex change, Bluesy! And now, our next act is a Perestroika favorite, the Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Hello! Hello! There have been many great magicians throughout time. Some have been burned for heresy and witchcraft. But that is because you envy the man that tricks you. You envy the man that can make his woman levitate, as it's fantastic in the bedroom, and even better when you can make her disappear afterwards. Which leaves you time for more important things like watching sports and playing video games. Right, Laurel? Which brings us to the most fantastic, paranormal, miraculous trick... The Guillotine Of Doom! I will place my hand into the device... and when my filthy assistant... Hate and seething expletives! Ohhhhhhhhhh! You crepitus, promiscuous, wanton witch!

Announcer: Please keep drinking. Our next show is very soon.

Show 4

Catch & The Incredible Kleinman

Announcer: Please don't try this at home. It's Catch! He juggles barbeque tools! Okay, we keep on theme of throwing knives with... the Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Welcome. Welcome. Some people say I'm demonic or have supernatural powers or that I urinate fire - one of these is true. Some people say I'm too flamboyant. Well, the power to create the impossible, the will to suspend belief and hypnotize is not just the work of bitches and politicians. I have trained with black ops delta forces and throw knives with phenomenal skill. My filthy assistant is strapped to this wall and I will take her to within a razor's edge of her life. How does one become so trustful of another human, to allow them to do this? We were very close once, Laurel and I, until she became an anorexic, and then it was like banging a cancer patient. Now... one! You see? Two! Oooh Laurel, don't be afraid. You have nothing to fear. You're in the hands of the gods! Three! Kazam! Ha ha ha! Laurel, oh! Stop acting. Stop pretending. Oh, yes, yes. Oh, does it hurt? Well, I seem to have lost my concentration for a minute. Maybe it's that disgusting stagehand you've been trolloping about with...

Announcer: Well! What a show! Somebody call ambulance please.

Show 5

Bluesy St. John & Catch

Annoucner: Time for depressing song with Ms. Bluesy St. John.

Bluesy: Oh yeah... We're gonna take it down right now, talk about something that's happened to us all. Talk about mixing our Goddamn metaphors, yeah. You know, like you went to your high school reunion and got drunk and your car skidded off the road, and you was up the creek, the smell of rubber and petrol in the air? Such a bad smell. You know, when you wake up from that coma and you're in traction and in a bad way and in purdah and all you can think about is that cheerleader in high school, but you'll never ever get back to Kansas. And when you, over there, you look at your husband and your two children at your hospital bed and you're disgusted - you're a dog without a phone. And you tell them to get lost and you leave the hospital and go straight to an S&M club. You meet a gal named Maggie who fancies herself a fingersmith of all trades. And a year goes by and you're spending Thursday nights at a religious séance chanting Kifflom and afterwards going to a swinger cowboy bar named Saddle Tramps and getting into drunken arguments about the Middle East or the middle distance, who knows? You then marry a balding accountant, and you hold him to account. I think it's happened to us all, really. It's that crazy crap shot in a barrel called life! I'm gonna throw out a whole bunch of trite blues expressions right now for y'all. You ready? Whiskey bottle... now Broken heart, oh, split liver Planes, trains and anorexia. Night and dark Dark and night and night and dark. Gender stereotypes, especially for women. Cryin' alone at group therapy. Where's my double ender? I gotta charge my mobile phone. Man, I got the linguistic blues bad tonight. You know, I'm so sorry, everybody. I don't know what the hell I'm singing about. Oh, man, I'm so fucked up on meds right now. Can someone go get me a drink or something?

Announcer: Sorry! No refunds. She's a victim of domestic violence. Now, let's toss your balls. It's Catch! Catch the juggler, everyone!

Show 6

The Incredible Kleinman & Bluesy St. John

Announcer: Perestroika! Put lips together for Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Ladies and gentlemen, I, Kleinman the Magician, Master of the Unexplainable, the Mysterious and the Unknown, like a woman with an eeee-ahhh and a zing-zing, if you know what I mean. Will blow your mind clean off! And speaking of which, please welcome...my lovely assistant, the lovely Laurel. Laurel, you filthy cretin, put down that whiskey. And put out that cigarette. You know, death be not proud. It takes children, scholars and hobos. But it will not take me! The saw of death has claimed many lives over the years. My filthy assistant will now strap me in. Soon I will be quite secure. No man could escape this saw! No man can look death in the face and laugh. No man but me! Laurel, start the saw. Prepare to be amazed! Steel, spinning towards my gonads, but I am not afraid!

Announcer: Oh! This was not expected. Umm, let's go to next show! Great song about American pastime. Drug abuse!

Bluesy: This is a story about my best friend. we met in a truckstop... bathroom. He got me all sweaty and I was, like, on the moon. Have you ever been to the moon? All you've got to do is get some household cleaners, cough medicine - that pseudoephedrine or whatever the hell you call it - mix it up in your bathtub with some Iodine, red phosphorus, which is my favorite, acetone and a little camper fuel. And that will take you to the moon. Let me tell you about staying up all night, horny as hell. Taking apart your washing machine or your TV or picking the carpet for a little piece. But I'm just in love with that bathtub meth. I'm tweaking in the morning. I'm tweaking in the afternoon. Oh, oh, yeah baby. Well, you'd better cover up those windows, daddy. And hide that gun soon. Yeah, daddy. Go hide that gun. Well... This bathtub meth sure is fun. Oh, but baby, don't worry about that erectile dysfunction. No, no, no, no, no, no... No, don't wear a frown. Yeah. Cause you know you're never ever coming down. Well, yeah... You'll sleep with your brother, your mother, your cousin Beth. You'll get so horny on that crystal meth. Yeah... oh, oh, I'm tweaking now. Oh, I'll tweak in the morning, daddy, yeah. And I'll tweak in the afternoon... Aw, aw shit... aw shit, another tooth just gone.

Announcer: She's sexiest junky in Hove Beach. Ms Bluesy St. John!

Show 7

Catch & The Incredible Kleinman

Announcer: Time for juggling with... Catch! Fantastic! Welcome best magician in Hove Beach, Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Yes, hello. I am magic. I can make love like a unicorn or fly on a carpet like an ape. You see, lots of people have dreams but they don't do anything about them, or if they do they find that being treated like a toilet is not as fun as it sounds. Just ask my assistant. Yes, that's happened to me before. You see, I have cheated death my whole life! I have stared death in the eyes and licked my lips. If you don't try, you can't fail. So, tonight I will crawl into this box and cheat death! I am Kleinman, magician! Death, prepare to weep! Laurel, lock me in and do your worst! I am not afraid! Kids, do not try this at home. Ahhh, Laurel, you whore!

Announcer: Everybody, please calm down! Don't leave! Wow, is terrible smell of burning person.

Show 8

Bluesy St John & The Incredible Kleinman

Announcer: Are you ready for this? Here comes Ms Bluesy St. John!

Bluesy: Hi, welcome... yeah. You ready for some modern blues? How about a little jazz? I love jazz. It's like four guys all playing a different song and you're right in the middle feeling slightly confused, awkward, and violated. You ready? How you all doing tonight? Yeah, yeah. Me, I'm doing great. Just great. That's because, like most Americans, ladies and gentlemen, I medicate. Oh, yes I medicate, yeah... Well, I used to do the hard shit, but now it's a prescription, baby. A prescription. It takes my worries away... it's utopia. I feel lethargic and I don't care. Because I don't feel no pain, thanks to my pills. I feel fine, fine, fine. I just can't operate heavy machinery. No way. I can't get me a job on the railroads. That's why I got the blues. Well, I went down to Mississippi. Yeah. Mississippi... you been there? Number one in the blues but fiftieth in education. But my pill is orange, and the pharmacy ran out, and my anxiety came back. You know when your heart gets turned inside out and you feel like you're going to die? Imagine that on a chemical level. Well, I'm a soccer mom with bad nerves, and my kid is going to fail, and my garden ain't pretty enough, so I went to the shop and got me a gun and shot this other soccer mom in the head for laughing at my SUV, saying it was an old model. Man, it felt so bad... Well, that's the blues. That's the blues, yeah. Suburban homicide. You feeling me, ladies and gentlemen? Well, then my husband told me he never loved me, but I upped the dose and now I feel great. Yeah, that's right... I medicate. I medicate. Thank you, you all. You all have been great. Liberty City, best audience in the world, I love you. Thank you.

Announcer: Ms Bluesy St. John! No touching self in the audience, please. Now, welcome to Perestroika stage, Incredible Kleinman!

Kleinman: Guns, ladies and gentlemen, are the backbone of our democracy. They are what make us American. They are our best friends and our worst enemies... shit! But tonight, I will be their master. My whorish assistant, the lovely Laurel, will take her revenge on me. She will take this pistol and fire it at me and I will catch the bullet with my teeth! Impossible? Yes - but it can be done. Laurel, ready the pistol. Show the audience it is loaded. Shit! Kids, do not try this at home. Laurel! Back up a few feet... take aim... and... Fire!

Announcer: Holy shit! Keep calm! Don't leave! Don't call the police! We have doctor in Broker.