WNKA International is a British based news agency appearing in Grand Theft Auto V and Grand Theft Auto Online. News articles from the company can be found on the Eyefind.info main page when accessing the internet at various times throughout the events of GTA V. The reporters in these articles are Faith Bailey, Anne Bimby and Gavin McTavern. The articles they post usually cover things that are negative for the United States such as the failing Vinewood film industry, the sale of Vapid Motor Company to a venture capitalist and that illegal immigrants no longer view the United States as a good place to live.
- 1 News articles
- 1.1 Another studio shuttered and turned into flats.
- 1.2 Merryweather offer world's most secure courier service.
- 1.3 British Animation Leading the Way!
- 1.4 Automaker goes to Penny.
- 1.5 Another American icon purchased by the Chinese
- 1.6 After Deep Inside
- 1.7 Data thieves raid Bureau, Helicopter crash devastates building.
- 1.8 America no longer popular with illegal immigrants.
- 2 Trivia
Another studio shuttered and turned into flats.
The implosion of the American film industry continued today with the announcement that another major movie studio has closed its doors for good. Lowenstein Pictures was founded by Vinewood mogul Roy Lowenstein in the 1920s and soon became a production line for insipid family-friendly entertainment despite Mr. Lowenstein’s much publicized vicious mistreatment of his own wives and children. The news will no doubt deal another blow to Solomon Richards and his beleaguered Richards Majestic studio, which has been forced to scrape the creative barrel in recent years with desperate movies like Defender of The Faith in a last-ditch attempt to stave off bankruptcy.
Merryweather offer world's most secure courier service.
What do you give the person who has everything? Well, whatever you give them, make sure you get it shipped by Merryweather's infamous courier service. Alongside their private security and bodyguarding divisions, Merryweather inc, the controversial company sometimes called "Don Percival's private army" is now trying to supplant the postal service – at least for the extremely wealthy. They now offer a worldwide deluxe courier service, advertised as the world's safest, ideal for moving art and other valuable treasures. Percival told reporters "With an ever greater and more powerful elite demanding better and better services, we saw a gap in the market. Now we can protect your Ming vase or luxury sports car from the common herd with the same care as we protect you as you both move from A to B."
British Animation Leading the Way!
We've long led the world in talent shows and boy bands. Now top British talent is trying to take over the last bastion of American entertainment hegemony – animation. "The Loneliest Robot" has been a surprise hit in America, with moviegoers loving its whimsical charm and home spun tale of good overcoming adversity via ultra violence, despite some parents voicing concern that some of the material was too extreme for children. The film, which was banned as pornographic here in the UK, has been a huge hit in America with audiences of all ages. We spoke to one mother outside a theatre in Vice Beach. "My kids loved it because of the extreme violence and group sex, my husband liked it because the robot controlled his wife, I just loved the melancholy mood that made me feel intellectual." American animation bohemoth Fred's are now expanding production in their UK facility and are promising several more Loneliest Robot films, video games, fast food meals, and other tie-ins. Director S. Louis Crawford told us "the British are coming – this time it's true. We're going to take over and I’m getting that statue even if I have to blow someone."
Automaker goes to Penny.
Billionaire venture capitalist Isaac Penny has announced that he will be taking a controlling stake in the beleaguered Vapid Motor Company, which has blown through all its bailout money and is now teetering on the brink of bankruptcy once again. In the press, Penny is trying to paint himself as the saviour of a great American institution, but a history of ruthless asset stripping suggests that his real intentions are far less noble. Dear oh dear. America. We colonized It, they homogenized it. At this rate their car industry will be as moribund as ours.
Another American icon purchased by the Chinese
Brian White has been drinking Logger all his life. He has one with breakfast, drives his wife to school where she is a teacher, and then heads out to the oil field where he was worked for 34 years. But when he found out that his beloved Logger was about to be owned by the Chinese, he cried "I don't know what to do," White blubbered.
Ming Ha Ling beverage of Shanghai recently purchased Logger for 4.2 billion dollars. The company promises to keep the spirit alive of the red-blooded American lager. It will be brewed in a province outside the country that most Americans are unable to name.
After Deep Inside
The American stock markets went screaming into negative and positive territory in rapid succession yesterday, with many worrying the world's largest economy is setting itself up for a doomsday scenario. The shaky American economy is causing a mass exodus of the country by many migrant workers and illegal immigrants. Raul Hernandez, a work on a farm in San Andreas said, "I called my family, I tell them, this place is full of violent rednecks, the economy is falling apart. Stay home. Don't come to America. It is a lie."
Data thieves raid Bureau, Helicopter crash devastates building.
Unknown assailants who broke into the Federal Investigation Bureau's West Coast Headquarters were forced to fight their way out after their escape helicopter crashed into the building. This morning the FIB is dealing with the effects of the fire, and pertinent questions about about how the security system allowed such a breach. Following the incident celebrity Special Agent Steve Haines gave a press conference vowing to bring whoever was responsible to justice.
America no longer popular with illegal immigrants.
America is no longer the promised land. While immigration remains a massive political issue in the UK, as people harken back to a golden time, when we ran the world and seemed to know we were doing, in the US, things are even more confusing. A recent poll conducted by someone with a clipboard and far too much time on their hands produced remarkable results - in news that will please conservatives, many illegal immigrants say they are warning family back home to stay where they are - life is now so tough in America, there's absolutely no reason to risk death trying to get there.
- The name "WNKA" is a reference to the word "wanker", which is used as a derogatory phrase in Britain when referring to another person.