Weazel/Script

The following is a script of the television channel Weazel in Grand Theft Auto IV.

The Men's Room

The show for men by men in The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy. Hello, is there anyone in there? Go away or I'll punch you in the frigging liver! Excuse me, the men's room is occupied. And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St Ives. Hey! Word up man. Good see you. Good see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten. And I'm Jer— And welcome to The Men's Room. Yeah, where men can hang out and... OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal. On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health, especially how to endanger the health of others. Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like how to avoid bruising the face, we're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men...but that's pretty easy, right? I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there! And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty. Also, we have a special and we call that special "The cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil." Like this. This is going to be an unbelievable show. And I'm going to be discussing rectal marital aids. Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn...see if I can teach you how to understand your anger. Now anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence, waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood and you have no idea what happened. Listen, I've been around. Anger - it's a four letter world and, boy, does that bring you down. Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the shit out of little guys. No, Bas, no. That's not nice. Hey listen. We all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga or putting neon under their car - whatever that does - but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. POW, POW, POW. Just like that. Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see. You want to be manhandled? Boom, boom, boom. This usually works for me. What about you? Man you are really pent up. You know, you should try some aromatherapy. Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. You understand? Take the other day. I was walking...talking to a friend of mine on the phone. Long time ago. He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. What do you do? If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. BOOM. Just like that. You see, it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice, and looky look what do we have here? Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I smash the lamppost against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now? OK, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there they know he's around. Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do is whip it out and say - what are we gonna do about this? I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better. Yeah... charmed, I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break. We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember; don't tap your foot under the stall.

(Burger Shot commercial)

911, what is your emergency? Aaagh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb. Are you calling from Burger Shot? The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot. It's the 6lb burger you can't live without! The Heart Stopper. Seven patties. Six pounds of meat and cheese - you'll be flatlined in five seconds flat! Mmmm. This is a fucking good burger. Drive in - take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face.

(72 commercial)

Commercial: It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger, 72. Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon - only on Weazel.

And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall! The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy! Ok, we're back from commercials. Man, that felt like forever. Who's on line three? Yeah hi, this is Mike from Cleveland. What's up, Mike? I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. He's in the joint right now but he'll be out in a couple of years. Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, put yourself first or people will put you second. I mean, history has some great examples of that. Thanks Mike. And thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice. You are the boss or you are the bitch. That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye. Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear, and a spleen and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. YEAH!!! Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience? Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience? Bas! Bas! BAS! Cowards! Bas - you sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic. Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside me, it was such a drag. I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out - a nail gun. Bam bam bam, and then I grab a circular saw, and then I cut off your arm. Just like this. And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm. I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones. So, who's on line five? Hey man, my name is Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on the air. I have a question. Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my business and I'm in a chat room all lubed up. But that doesn't hurt anyone. But my wife - she's divorcing me! I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas. And let me tell you. It's not like real life. I love my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character and building him a house and making him go to the bathroom and watching him sleep. You know what - I hate it. That's what I do. I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs. What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? It's bullshit. You know what this is Jeremy? What? What's this? What's this? That's toilet paper. Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon. Toilet paper. Spoons. A hacksaw. If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around. I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that? Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair. And I punch her head. Bang bang bang. OK, who's in charge now, huh? So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table and stab it in his face. He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes. And he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams - oh, what's going on? I look at him in the eye I say - listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun. BAM BAM BAM. Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue - oh no, not enough weapons now. OK, see, listen. Are you going to do something with that? And I slit his throat - over and out. He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing HA HA and the bartender! It was unbelievable. Fuck you, bartender! And I walked outside and I get on a motorcycle and I get back to my house. Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath. Yeah... well...thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room. The Men's Room, brought to you by... The Alcopatch, it's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy.

Republican Space Rangers

(Theme song)

Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh was that your home? SORRY!) Gotta complete the mission. And possibly deny extraordinary rendition. Spreading American values. Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two. Republican Space Rangers!

Announcer: When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS - they are Butch, Commander and Dick. When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!

(The episode begins with the Space Rangers conversing with Aliens on the planet Spheron)

Alien: Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet earth or your sponsor Piswasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.

Butch: Huh? What's he saying? Man, that's gibberish.

Dick: Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber jabber space dialect with long words.

Commander: Dialect smialect. I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys.

(The Space Rangers prepare their weapons)

Commander: Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.

Dick: And you look fruity like you got a wide stance, you know!

Alien: But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?

Butch: What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.

Dick: Hey! Habla ingles? Hola! Hey!

Commander: Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over.

Dick: You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die.

(The Space Rangers open fire on the aliens)

Commander: Make sure you get the children. They'll just turn into insurgents themselves.

(Some of the aliens run into an orphanage)

Dick: Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.

Commander: Seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot... innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat - they will suffer!

Dick: Shit!

Butch: Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.

(Butch prepares a nuclear bomb)

Commander: That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's.

(The Space Rangers board their spaceship and leave as the nuke detonates and destroys the planet)

Commander: Alright, another round boys. You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye... Mission accomplished! Hoorah!

Dick: Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. Whoa - I got a breach in the airlock.

(Dick farts)

Commander: Oh, goddamit!

Dick: That there was a report from Fort Ass - General Shit's on his way.

Commander: Goddammit soldier. You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits. Hey, what's that up ahead?

(A beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute...

Commander: You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven. Look at the screen.

Butch: I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map but fuck if I can pronounce the name.

Commander: No surprise there. But I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch. Fire it all.

Butch: With pleasure, sir.

(Butch fires off a weapon which destroys an unknown planet)

Commander: I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellas. Put a note in the log - encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.

Dick: Oh thank you, Commander. Hey listen, can we... can we shower together later?

Commander: Indubitably. But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat.

Butch: Ah man, you all know I ain't good at no volleyball.

Dick: Hush - don't ruin it. It's too tender.

(Another beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.

Dick: Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold.

Commander: Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?

(The spaceship enters another planet and the Space Rangers land to explore)

Commander: Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em. I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps.

Dick: Shit, they better learn how to pray in school.

Commander: Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick. Hey, here's one now.

(The three encounter a squid-like alien on the planet and aim their weapons at him)

Alien: The gods were right! You've come. Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.

Butch: What is he saying?

Dick: This sonofabitch doesn't even speak American.

Alien: Yes I do, I said welcome...

(One of the Rangers shoots one of the tentacles off of the alien)

Alien: Ow, you prick. You shot me in the tentacle. No problem; it will grow back. Listen - I forgive you brother - carrying around the burden of hate is worse me for than those I despise...

Butch: What on God's green Earth is he saying?

Dick: I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit.

Commander: I don't know. I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and...well...foreign, if you will.

Butch: I don't understand what anybody's saying. I just wanna shoot.

Commander: Enemy's out there, boys. The enemy's out there.

Dick: No - the enemy's inside.

Alien: Listen, guys, welcome - we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide - good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk...

Commander: You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women.

Dick: Ditto!

Butch: Yeah, I hate women.

Alien: Oh, sorry. We mean no offense... Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us - they enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.

(One of these aliens arrive)

Evil Alien: What are you saying, sharing scum?

Alien:I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.

Evil Alien: Of course we have - you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy.

Commander: I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?

Dick: Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?

Butch: Man, what's he saying?

Alien: My god, you are a fucking moron - listen, you two - please - these evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.

Evil Alien: You're weak. You deserve to suffer.

Commander: He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible.

Dick: Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.

Commander: Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys... and I do not believe in any manner of deviation, except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?

Alien: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Commander: Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers and kill 'em good.

Space Rangers: For democracy and liberty!

Commander: Hoorah!

Alien: But I can give you wisdom!

Evil Alien: And I can make you rich!

Commander: Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.

Aliens: No, no, no, no.

(Both Aliens run away from the Space Rangers)

Commander: Cook 'em!

(The squid-like alien is shot through the back of his mouth)

Commander: That'll teach that sonofabitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you.

(As Commander congratulates the two others, a stream of semen passes by him. The camera shifts to Dick who is pleasuring himself)

Commander: Oh, dammit Dick. I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space.

Dick: Sorry Commander but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers!

Butch: Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...

Commander: Godammit!

Announcer: When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS