Ricky Gervais/Script - Revision history

A-Dust at 20:10, 17 April 2015

2015-04-17T20:10:24Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 20:10, 17 April 2015
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	The following are scripts for stand-ups by comedian [[Ricky Gervais]] at the [[Split Sides]].		The following are '''scripts''' for stand-ups by comedian [[Ricky Gervais]] at the [[Split Sides]].

	==Obesity==		==Obesity==
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	Thanks very much, good night!		Thanks very much, good night!
	[[Category:GTA IV ~~Scripts~~]]
			[[Category:Scripts for GTA IV]]

MAINEiac4434: /* War */

2010-06-11T20:59:27Z

War

← Older revision		Revision as of 20:59, 11 June 2010
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	I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour,		I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour,
	and I've had medicals before for TV work.		and I've had medicals before for TV work.
	~~and~~ they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine".		And they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine".
	But i went along to the doctor, and he said uh...		But I went along to the doctor, and he said uh...
	"Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour".		"Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour...we need a urine sample."
	~~"We~~ need a urine sample."
	I've never had to do that before, so ah...		I've never had to do that before, so ah...
	you know, i went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold.Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?"		you know, I went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold. Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?"
	I thought, "this is thorough".		I thought, "this is thorough".
	So i stripped down to my boxer shorts,		So I stripped down to my boxer shorts,

	(''Ricky pretends to pull down his pants'')		(''Ricky pretends to pull down his pants'')

	"Ah for ~~fuu~~..."		"Ah for fu..."
	The one day i wear white boxer shorts...		The one day I wear white boxer shorts...

	(''Ricky points to his groin area'')		(''Ricky points to his groin area'')
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	(''Laughter'')		(''Laughter'')

	So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and i go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can i do?"		So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and I go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can I do? I know!"
	"I know!"

	(''Ricky pretends to pull off his ~~underware~~ and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips'')		(''Ricky pretends to pull off his underwear and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips'')

	(''Laughter'')		(''Laughter'')
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	do commandos not wear pants?		do commandos not wear pants?
	Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants...		Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants...
	I donno, any commandos in.. do you wear...?		I donno, any commandos in... do you wear...?

	(''Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him'')		(''Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him'')

	"Why you...		"Why you...
	Why ~~youy~~ not wearing pants?"		Why you not wearing pants?"

	(''Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him'')		(''Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him'')

	"What do you mean, cuz' ~~werem~~ commandos? They...		"What do you mean, cuz' we're commandos? They...
	There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!"		There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!"
	"Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting ~~bii~~...???		"Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting bi...???

	(''Laughter'')		(''Laughter'')
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	Go commando.		Go commando.
	But i am a bit overweight...		But I am a bit overweight...
	I never worried about that before was famous. And i'm not more vain now.		I never worried about that before was famous. And I'm not more vain now.
	It's that you read about youreslf...		It's that you read about youreslf...
	and the papers. They need an adjective.		and the papers. They need an adjective.
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	Rotund!?!		Rotund!?!
	That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund!		That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund!
	One called me a chubby ~~Funster~~!		One called me a chubby funster!
	That's a gay porn name!		That's a gay porn name!

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	(''Ricky jogs on the spot'')		(''Ricky jogs on the spot'')

	~~listening~~ to some... sounds on my MP3 player.		Listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player.
	"Oh yeah, looking good"		"Oh yeah, looking good"
	Paparazzi got me.		Paparazzi got me.
	Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline...		Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline...
	"~~Ipodge~~".		"iPodge".

	(''Hysterical laughter'')		(''Hysterical laughter'')

Gta-mysteries at 21:57, 18 May 2010

2010-05-18T21:57:53Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 21:57, 18 May 2010
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	Thanks very much, good night!		Thanks very much, good night!
	[[Category:~~Miscellaneous~~]]		[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]]

Gta-mysteries: removed script category

2010-05-18T21:57:37Z

removed script category

← Older revision		Revision as of 21:57, 18 May 2010
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	Thanks very much, good night!		Thanks very much, good night!
	[[Category:~~Scripts~~]]		[[Category:Miscellaneous]]

Chimpso at 06:23, 20 December 2009

2009-12-20T06:23:52Z

← Older revision		Revision as of 06:23, 20 December 2009
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	The following are ~~'''~~scripts for stand-ups by comedian [[Ricky Gervais]]~~'''~~ at the [[Split Sides]].		The following are scripts for stand-ups by comedian [[Ricky Gervais]] at the [[Split Sides]].

	==Obesity==		==Obesity==

gtw>Hardrock182: Adding categories

2009-10-08T12:06:17Z

Adding categories

← Older revision		Revision as of 12:06, 8 October 2009
Line 248:		Line 248:

	Thanks very much, good night!		Thanks very much, good night!
			[[Category:Scripts]]

ZS: Created page with 'The following are '''scripts for stand-ups by comedian Ricky Gervais''' at the Split Sides. ==Obesity== '''Announcer''': And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais! ''Ricky walks onst…'

2009-09-24T19:46:40Z

Created page with 'The following are '''scripts for stand-ups by comedian Ricky Gervais''' at the Split Sides. ==Obesity== '''Announcer''': And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais! ''Ricky walks onst…'

New page

The following are '''scripts for stand-ups by comedian [[Ricky Gervais]]''' at the [[Split Sides]].

==Obesity==

'''Announcer''': And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

''Ricky walks onstage waving at the appluading audiance'': Whoah. Thank you. Hi, wow thank you very much. What a lovely welcome.

'''Ricky Gervais''': As you know I do a lot of charity work, but in all honesty,
I think that some causes are more worthy than others.
Obviously cancer is a very worthy cause, AIDS is a very worthy cause,
but I got asked to do a benefit gig recently for sufferers of obesity.
What? Sufferers of obesity.
I said "You mean fat people?",

''Minor laughter from audiance''

she went, "No because obes...". Well, she actually went,
"No because obe...", she was eating.

''Laughter''

So she went, "Obesity is a disease".
I went, "No it's not, is it?

''laughter''

No it's not, you just like eating, don't you?"

''more laughter''

How is that a disease?

''Immitates person scoffing food into their mouth'': "Oh, I'm so fucking ill..." num, num, "Oh I'm well ill",

''Laughter''

I went "What's the disease?".
She went "Everything tastes good".

''Laughter''

Everything?
"Not salads".
That's not a disease, leprosy is a disease.
Can you imagine Jesus in the Temple,
people coming up to him in bandages, going "Jesus my flesh is falling off"?
And he goes "I cant stop now - there's a fat woman over there on her third pie".

''laughter''

''Ricky Sighs''

Saw a documentary about a woman who was three hundred and fifty pounds,
cause she ate ten pie and chips a day.
That'll do it.

''Laughter''

Ten pie and chips a day, ten separate meals, ten separate trips to the chip shop.
In a cab, didn't even walk that. Wasted calories.

''laughter''

So in this documentary they wired her jaw together, to try and stop her eating.
So she liquidized ten pie and chips a day.

''loud laughter''

Pie smoothies. Now she's not even chewing,
that used up ten calories.
So, er, they took her to hospital...
to give her that operation where they staple your stomach together.
And she was sitting there in hospital, looking all depressed,
well you can't eat for an hour before an operation can ya?

''laughter''

And she went, "It's, it's a dangerous operation, but it's the only option left".

''Ricky puts his hand up, points to himself, then puts his hand down''

One, jogging? Oh you don't even walk. Um...

''Laughter''

Salads? You don't like salads, ok.
'''Nine''' pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it?

''Loud laughter''

They make excuses, don't they, fat people? They say things like...
"It's glandular". It's not glandular, it's greed.

''laughter''

"It's big bones". Yeah, big bones covered in meat and gravy.

''laughter''

Unbelievable, always complain.
"Oh... aeroplane seats...

''Ricky pretends to put food in his mouth''

''laughter''

They're not big enough for someone like me."
No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane!

''Loud Laughter''

"It's not fair." It is fair, you ate too much.
And if we're talking about fairness, and aeroplanes,
why is it that I get the same luggage allowance
as a guy who's four hundred pounds?
We're both allowed thirty-two kilograms on the plane.
I wanna go "No, he used up his thirty-two kilograms on his tits!".

''Applause, laughter and clapping''

''Ricky starts to walk off stage''

Thanks very much, goodnight. Enjoy your meals.

''He points to a guy in the crowd''

Not you, you've had enough.

==War==

'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

(''Ricky walks onto stage waving to the audiance as they clap'')

'''Ricky''': Hi, How you doing?
Cheers, thanks.
I have been known...
to have a go at fat people.
But the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself.

'''Guy in audiance''': No shit!

(''Ricky Points to crowd and laughs'')

'''Ricky''': Somone shouted, "No shit".

(''Laughter'')

Could be that. Forty years build up.

(''Laughter'')

I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour,
and I've had medicals before for TV work.
and they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine".
But i went along to the doctor, and he said uh...
"Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour".
"We need a urine sample."
I've never had to do that before, so ah...
you know, i went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold.Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?"
I thought, "this is thorough".
So i stripped down to my boxer shorts,

(''Ricky pretends to pull down his pants'')

"Ah for fuu..."
The one day i wear white boxer shorts...

(''Ricky points to his groin area'')

Big wet patch from the wee.

(''Laughter'')

Well, why didn't he warn me?
Why didn't he say, "Be carful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I...
So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do.
I told my friend. And my friend went:
"You should have gone commando!"
Well, that would have been less embarresing, wouldn't it?

(''Laughter'')

So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and i go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can i do?"
"I know!"

(''Ricky pretends to pull off his underware and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips'')

(''Laughter'')

'''Ricky''': Go commando...
do commandos not wear pants?
Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants...
I donno, any commandos in.. do you wear...?

(''Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him'')

"Why you...
Why youy not wearing pants?"

(''Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him'')

"What do you mean, cuz' werem commandos? They...
There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!"
"Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting bii...???

(''Laughter'')

Look, theres barbed wire up... You're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...!?

(''Loud laughter'')

Go commando.
But i am a bit overweight...
I never worried about that before was famous. And i'm not more vain now.
It's that you read about youreslf...
and the papers. They need an adjective.
They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian".
They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian".

(''Laughter'')

Why bring that into it?
"Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian."
Rotund!?!
That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund!
One called me a chubby Funster!
That's a gay porn name!

(''Laughter'')

I was jogging once,

(''Ricky jogs on the spot'')

listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player.
"Oh yeah, looking good"
Paparazzi got me.
Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline...
"Ipodge".

(''Hysterical laughter'')

Cheeky bastards.

(''Ricky starts to walk offstage audiance applauds, cheers and claps.'')

Thanks very much, good night!