Weazel/Script - Revision history

Gta-mysteries: /* The Men's Room */

2016-09-27T03:12:00Z

The Men's Room

Gta-mysteries: /* Split Sides (Katt Williams) */

2016-09-27T02:34:48Z

Split Sides (Katt Williams)

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:34, 27 September 2016
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	==Split Sides (Katt Williams)==		==Split Sides (Katt Williams)==
			'''Announcer''': Recorded live from the capital of the world, Liberty City. The famous Split Sides comedy club invites you to line up and bring the love to the comedy club where the drinks ain't cheap. Welcome to the stage, Mr. Katt Williams!

			'''Katt''': Thank you, thank you so much, thank you. Appreciate it, Liberty City...whooh! This is great, this is great, never been here before, it's my first time. As a visitor to Liberty city, this is amazing, the speed and the pace at which this city works. Went on a mini adventure today, I got up, got dressed, got my swagger right had my bravado and I decided I'm going to cross a Liberty City street slowly - not gonna happen. Everything moves so fast here why are people moving so... I don't... a homeless man ran past me where could he possibly be fucking going? He could lay down and be home immediately, just lay down and be home, but he was speeding past me at a furious pace. Everything is just so fast here in Liberty City. Its crazy. Its crazy your gas prices are too high, sixty-nine dollars a gallon, bit ridiculous. My car costs about seventy-two dollars lets try and get it back in focus. People don't speak here in Liberty City, I don't know its like they're scarred to be shot or something. It's just...I spoke all day "Hey how are ya?" nothing, "Good looking at yam m'am" nothing, "Hello Officer" nothing, it's a crazy city; I'm enjoying it though it's very exciting. A lot of options here, a lot of options in Liberty City. You can get whatever you want. You like pussy? Of course you do! It's here! Liberty City some of the best I've ever had. I'll tell ya that. You know pussy's good when youre inside of it and your thinking about other things other than sex. Like things like "Whow, whow I love gingerbread cookies", when your thinking that in the pussy, that's when you know its good shit. The best weed in the world may be right here in Liberty City. I was so high earlier today I had a complete discussion with myself, in the mirror. Threatening, threatening, I couldn't believe I snuck up on me like that and I was furious about it. You ever had weed so good that you get stuck? You know stuck, stuck like you need to leave you want to leave you got to leave but you cant fucking go. Stuck, that's what you find here in Liberty City. You've got everything. The greatest basketball team, who's fucking with the Liberty City Warriors? It's crazy. I remember, there used to be this guy played as good as the guy you guys got, but he didn't want to pass the ball, he'd never pass the ball. And so the rest of the team was just up and down, just, they were physically fit but never scored any points. This selfish bastard, there just chasing him down the court, just... I'm open, nothing, nothing. Liberty City's got the team made out of Warriors, you need that you need a strong, strong team. You gotta be strong anyway, it's a weak world. You come to Liberty City and you get strong in this weak world. I know its weak I started out weak, I wasn't always tall like this folks. Used to be short, a lot going on when your short. People lie to you, my parents looked me directly in the eyes and told me without a shadow of doubt, eat all your vegetables, drink your milk, you'll grow up big and tall. Lying sons of bitches! You know how many vegetables I ate? Hmm, any idea? You how much milk I consumed? I should be the size of a cow! Why am I not the same size of a cow? I drank the same thing the fucking cow drank. Still short. Knew I was short because I, I wore one pair of jeans five years through school, five. You could tell how old I was because I grew a quarter of an inch and I let it out and there'd be that other line, yeah I'm not depressed I'm just saying. If you got short kids at home go home and kiss 'em cause its terrible. Thank you, goodnight.

	''(Homoerectus commercial)''		''(Homoerectus commercial)''

Gta-mysteries: /* Split Sides (Katt Williams) */

2016-09-27T02:16:37Z

Split Sides (Katt Williams)

← Older revision		Revision as of 02:16, 27 September 2016
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	==Split Sides (Katt Williams)==		==Split Sides (Katt Williams)==

			''(Homoerectus commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': It's coming back to Weazel - another season of the Weazel history drama Homoerectus - Science meets forbidden love. Only on Weazel.

			''(Waning with the Stars commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': ...'80s sitcom star and a passenger are paralyzed in what police say is part of a reality show. We're live on the scene... You just can't help getting sucked in on the way down. The #1 rated reality show is coming back for another season. Waning with the Stars - the show where we follow formerly big celebrities on their way down. See ordinary contestants paired with deathwish drug addled celebrities to see who hits the skids first and how far they slide. Remember Cherice McCormic? She was on the most popular sitcom of the '80s. Now she's on a serious bender reduced to shooting skinflicks for crack. And you'll see contestants try to keep up as they freebase, get into high speed chases and surf internet porn with '80s professional wrestler The Grinder. Five contestants - one fading dream - a ton of alcohol and drug abuse. Enjoy watching once smug celebrities who have hit rock bottom stay there. Waning with the Stars - A new season coming soon on Weazel.

	[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]]		[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]]

Gta-mysteries: /* Venturas Poker Challenge */

2016-09-27T02:09:13Z

Venturas Poker Challenge

What changes will this make?

Gta-mysteries: /* Republican Space Rangers */

2016-09-27T01:34:55Z

Republican Space Rangers

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:34, 27 September 2016
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	'''Announcer''': When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS		'''Announcer''': When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS

			''(Michael Graves commercial)''

			'''Commercial''': Meet John Hunter. As a state senator he voted to close down all schools in Liberty City and give the money saved directly to drug addicts. John Hunter wants to be your governor, but he hates our troops so much he wants them to cut and run and come home cowards. John Hunter has lost an erection more than once and disappointed his wife much in the same way he'll disappoint you. And he definitely has hairplugs and lifts. Call John Hunter. Tell him that combover's not fooling anyone you short assed bald bastard. It's just like your polices, thin on top, and short of ideas.
			Paid for by Michael Graves for governor.

			''(Vinewood Cunts commercial)''

			'''Commercial''': He says, She says - he says shut up - the women of dazzletown show their true nature in Vinewood Cunts - only on Weazel.

			''(VIG Insurance commercial)''

			'''Commercial''': You're late to see your therapist. You're in a hurry. You've had a couple of martinis at lunch. Then someone or something gets in the way. What do you do? Leave the scene? Head for the border? Not with VIG INSURANCE. Now you don't have to worry. Call one of our claim representatives immediately and we'll deal with the law and silence any victims before uncomfortable litigation can happen. We insure against drunk driving. Accidental gun discharge and narcotics violations. VIG Insurance. Because freedom equals piece of mind.

			''(Vacation Home Sluts commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': Weazel Wednesdays heat up next season with Vacation Home Sluts. Don't miss it. On Weazel.

			''(Terror marathon commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': All next week - it's patriotism at its finest as Weazel revisits history with the non-stop Terror marathon. Back to back documdramas blaming liberals for everything. Only on Weazel.

	==Venturas Poker Challenge==		==Venturas Poker Challenge==

Gta-mysteries: /* Split Sides (Ricky Gervais) */

2016-09-27T01:29:30Z

Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:29, 27 September 2016
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	==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)==		==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)==
			Get ready to put your family to sleep - Weazel presents a whole new season of Ether.

			''(VIP Luxury Ringtones commercial)''

			'''Commercial''': Your ringtone defines who you are and how much money you have so take bling to the next level with audio bling - it's VIP luxury ringtones.

			'''Consumer''': They've got that Dragonbrain ringtone./I've got the Science of Crime ringtone. Now everyone knows I'm as boring as the show.

			'''Commercial''': VIP Luxury Ringtones. Including extreme tones, like a person being beheaded. Or diamonds! An old bitch fallin and breakin her hip? Wow, that's dope! VIP luxury ringtones - only 100 bucks. Be an individual. Get a VIP luxury ringtone today./Visit VIP Luxury Ringtones.com

			'''Announcer''': Recorded live from Liberty City at the home of the six drink minimum. The famous Split Sides comedy club presents all the way from London, Europe, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

			'''Gervais''': Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Been thinking a lot about war... recently. A lot of it about... a lot of bad stuff in the world. Someone's always at war. And I was thinking, "What's my favorite war?" Vietnam? Best soundtrack. Definitely. Second World War? Best ending. What a finale. You know it's over when... You can't follow that. That's the end. People are worried about that though, because... the atomic bomb. It ended a war, which is good. But the effects are still being felt, which is bad. And it was invented by Einstein. And he's a genius. In his, uh... 1907 paper, Einstein said... that light could be described as discreet bundles of energies. That when irradiated, a dof- what sort of cunt thinks like that... really? S'knowhatImean? That's what turned Stephen Hawking mental... too much thinking. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure. "The universe is expanding." Yeah, o' course it is, Stephen. Take a day off! Go for a walk, or s- not a walk, but.... Open a window. Watch a bit o' TV. Robot Wars is on. You like that, don't ya? People go, "Ah well you can't ever cut Steven Hawking. He's a genius." He's not a genius. He's pretentious. Born in England, and talks with an American accent. Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. And that was his threat. He rounded up 100,000 people... and he killed 'em. Because... they were what he called "intellectuals." And do you know how he told whether they're intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming! Know what I mean? Oh yeah, well Kierkegaard, oi here's comes Pol Pot. Alright? Yea. Not too bad, yea. Yea! Good. Yea! Aw, thank you Mr. Pot. Yea. No, I-I'm thick, as you can see. I'm-I'm thi - him, over there. Look. Go and kill him. Falklands War. That's probably my favorite. People say that was a conflict. It was a war. And it's my favorite, 'cause it was a range war. And what that means... is that...the Argentinean guns could fire 9 km... Whereas the British guns could fire 17 km.... So we just parked our boats about 10 km away, and theirs were falling into the water. While... we were shelling the shit out of them. It's the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm's length. Like that. And he's flailing... just missin'. And you'll just steadily kick him in the bollocks. Ow. Smack. Ow. Smack. People go, "Ooh, you must never go at midgets." Why not? What are they gonna do? You must never go at fundamentalist terrorists. They're the scary ones. Midgets? Do what you want. Thanks very much! Good night!

			'''Announcer''': Mr. Ricky Gervais!

			''(How the West Was Won commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': Critics are raving about how the West was won on Weazel. Running Horses, Justified Genocide, Big Bosoms, & Shitfaced Shootouts are coming to Tuesdays on the next season of Spittoon. Don't miss it.

			''(Whiz Wireless commercial)''

			'''Woman''': Honey, what are you doing sitting in your car in the driveway staring at your phone? Are your pants unbuckled?

			'''Commercial''': It's the Whiz Wireless video package. Watch all your favorite movies on your phone - on demand. At home, at work - while stuck in traffic. Adult titles too. You won't want to get out of your car.

			'''Woman''': Honey! The neighbors are calling the police.

			'''Commercial''': Whiz Wireless - Do the social vibe.

			''(Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial)''
			'''Commercial''': Technology!/It's what a man needs./Excelsior Extreme 9./The Excelsior Extreme 9./Nine blades of glory./Facial hair makes you look like a pervert or a hobo, or someone covering a scar he got tossing salad in the joint. Now take your shaving to the extreme. (Get closer.) It's a sports car, power lift, expensive watch, on a Mediterranean beach of a shave, at turbo quality levels. Technology has arrived at the razor's edge. Excelsior Extreme 9.

			''(TV show commercial)''

			'''Announcer''': It's the show that may save your life - how to survive when there's a suitcase nuke on your train. Can you and your family afford to miss it?

	==Republican Space Rangers==		==Republican Space Rangers==

Gta-mysteries: /* The Men's Room */

2016-09-27T01:12:00Z

The Men's Room

← Older revision		Revision as of 01:12, 27 September 2016
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	==The Men's Room==		==The Men's Room==
			The show for men by men in The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy.
			Hello, is there anyone in there?
			Go away or I'll punch you in the frigging liver!
			Excuse me, the men's room is occupied.
			And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St Ives.
			Hey! Word up man. Good see you. Good see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten.
			And I'm Jer—
			And welcome to The Men's Room.
			Yeah, where men can hang out and...
			OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal.
			On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health, especially how to endanger the health of others.
			Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like how to avoid bruising the face,
			we're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men...but that's pretty easy, right?
			I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there!
			And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty.
			Also, we have a special and we call that special
			"The cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil." Like this.
			This is going to be an unbelievable show.
			And I'm going to be discussing rectal marital aids.
			Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn...see if I can teach you how to understand your anger.
			Now anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence,
			waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood and you have no idea what happened.
			Listen, I've been around. Anger - it's a four letter world and, boy, does that bring you down.
			Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the shit out of little guys.
			No, Bas, no. That's not nice.
			Hey listen. We all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga or putting neon under their car - whatever that does -
			but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. POW, POW, POW. Just like that.
			Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see.
			You want to be manhandled? Boom, boom, boom. This usually works for me. What about you?
			Man you are really pent up. You know, you should try some aromatherapy.
			Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. You understand? Take the other day.
			I was walking...talking to a friend of mine on the phone. Long time ago.
			He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. What do you do?
			If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. BOOM.
			Just like that. You see, it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice,
			and looky look what do we have here? Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. BOOM BOOM BOOM.
			I smash the lamppost against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now?
			OK, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there they know he's around.
			Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do is whip it out and say -
			what are we gonna do about this? I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better.
			Yeah... charmed, I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break.
			We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember; don't tap your foot under the stall.

			''(Burger Shot commercial)''

			911, what is your emergency?
			Aaagh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb.
			Are you calling from Burger Shot?
			The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot. It's the 6lb burger you can't live without!
			The Heart Stopper. Seven patties. Six pounds of meat and cheese - you'll be flatlined in five seconds flat!
			Mmmm. This is a fucking good burger.
			Drive in - take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face.

			''(72 commercial)''

			'''Commercial''': It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger, 72. Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon - only on Weazel.

			And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall!
			The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy!
			Ok, we're back from commercials. Man, that felt like forever. Who's on line three?
			Yeah hi, this is Mike from Cleveland.
			What's up, Mike?
			I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. He's in the joint right now but he'll be out in a couple of years.
			Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show.
			Thank you. Thank you.
			I mean, put yourself first or people will put you second. I mean, history has some great examples of that.
			Thanks Mike. And thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice.
			You are the boss or you are the bitch. That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye.
			Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear,
			and a spleen and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. YEAH!!!
			Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience? Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience?
			Bas! Bas! BAS!
			Cowards!
			Bas - you sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic.
			Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside me, it was such a drag.
			I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out - a nail gun. Bam bam bam, and then I grab a circular saw,
			and then I cut off your arm. Just like this. And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm.
			I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones.
			So, who's on line five?
			Hey man, my name is Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on the air. I have a question.
			Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my business and I'm in a chat room all lubed up.
			But that doesn't hurt anyone. But my wife - she's divorcing me!
			I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas.
			And let me tell you. It's not like real life.
			I love my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character
			and building him a house and making him go to the bathroom and watching him sleep.
			You know what - I hate it. That's what I do. I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs.
			What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? It's bullshit. You know what this is Jeremy?
			What?
			What's this? What's this?
			That's toilet paper.
			Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon. Toilet paper. Spoons. A hacksaw.
			If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around.
			I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that?
			Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair.
			And I punch her head. Bang bang bang. OK, who's in charge now, huh?
			So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table and stab it in his face.
			He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes. And he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams -
			oh, what's going on? I look at him in the eye I say - listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun. BAM BAM BAM.
			Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue - oh no, not enough weapons now.
			OK, see, listen. Are you going to do something with that? And I slit his throat - over and out.
			He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing HA HA and the bartender! It was unbelievable.
			Fuck you, bartender! And I walked outside and I get on a motorcycle and I get back to my house.
			Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath.
			Yeah... well...thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room.
			The Men's Room, brought to you by... The Alcopatch, it's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy.

	==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)==		==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)==

Gta-mysteries: New Page: "The following is a script of the television channel Weazel in Grand Theft Auto IV. ==The Men's Room== ==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)== ==Republican Space Rangers== ''(Theme..."

2016-09-27T01:03:55Z

New Page: "The following is a script of the television channel Weazel in Grand Theft Auto IV. ==The Men's Room== ==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)== ==Republican Space Rangers== ''(Theme..."

New page

The following is a script of the television channel [[Weazel]] in [[Grand Theft Auto IV]].

==The Men's Room==

==Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)==

==Republican Space Rangers==
''(Theme song)''

Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh was that your home? SORRY!) Gotta complete the mission. And possibly deny extraordinary rendition. Spreading American values. Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two. Republican Space Rangers!

'''Announcer''': When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS - they are Butch, Commander and Dick. When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...

'''Space Rangers''': Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!

''(The episode begins with the Space Rangers conversing with Aliens on the planet Spheron)''

'''Alien''': Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet earth or your sponsor Piswasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.

'''Butch''': Huh? What's he saying? Man, that's gibberish.

'''Dick''': Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber jabber space dialect with long words.

'''Commander''': Dialect smialect. I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys.

''(The Space Rangers prepare their weapons)''

'''Commander''': Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.

'''Dick''': And you look fruity like you got a wide stance, you know!

'''Alien''': But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?

'''Butch''': What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.

'''Dick''': Hey! Habla ingles? Hola! Hey!

'''Commander''': Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over.

'''Dick''': You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die.

''(The Space Rangers open fire on the aliens)''

'''Commander''': Make sure you get the children. They'll just turn into insurgents themselves.

''(Some of the aliens run into an orphanage)''

'''Dick''': Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.

'''Commander''': Seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot... innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat - they will suffer!

'''Dick''': Shit!

'''Butch''': Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.

''(Butch prepares a nuclear bomb)''

'''Commander''': That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's.

''(The Space Rangers board their spaceship and leave as the nuke detonates and destroys the planet)''

'''Commander''': Alright, another round boys. You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye... Mission accomplished! Hoorah!

'''Dick''': Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. Whoa - I got a breach in the airlock.

''(Dick farts)''

'''Commander''': Oh, goddamit!

'''Dick''': That there was a report from Fort Ass - General Shit's on his way.

'''Commander''': Goddammit soldier. You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits. Hey, what's that up ahead?

''(A beeping noise is heard)''

'''Butch''': Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute...

'''Commander''': You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven. Look at the screen.

'''Butch''': I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map but fuck if I can pronounce the name.

'''Commander''': No surprise there. But I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch. Fire it all.

'''Butch''': With pleasure, sir.

''(Butch fires off a weapon which destroys an unknown planet)''

'''Commander''': I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellas. Put a note in the log - encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.

'''Dick''': Oh thank you, Commander. Hey listen, can we... can we shower together later?

'''Commander''': Indubitably. But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat.

'''Butch''': Ah man, you all know I ain't good at no volleyball.

'''Dick''': Hush - don't ruin it. It's too tender.

''(Another beeping noise is heard)''

'''Butch''': Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.

'''Dick''': Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold.

'''Commander''': Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?

''(The spaceship enters another planet and the Space Rangers land to explore)''

'''Commander''': Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em. I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps.

'''Dick''': Shit, they better learn how to pray in school.

'''Commander''': Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick. Hey, here's one now.

''(The three encounter a squid-like alien on the planet and aim their weapons at him)''

'''Alien''': The gods were right! You've come. Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.

'''Butch''': What is he saying?

'''Dick''': This sonofabitch doesn't even speak American.

'''Alien''': Yes I do, I said welcome...

''(One of the Rangers shoots one of the tentacles off of the alien)''

'''Alien''': Ow, you prick. You shot me in the tentacle. No problem; it will grow back. Listen - I forgive you brother - carrying around the burden of hate is worse me for than those I despise...

'''Butch''': What on God's green Earth is he saying?

'''Dick''': I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit.

'''Commander''': I don't know. I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and...well...foreign, if you will.

'''Butch''': I don't understand what anybody's saying. I just wanna shoot.

'''Commander''': Enemy's out there, boys. The enemy's out there.

'''Dick''': No - the enemy's inside.

'''Alien''': Listen, guys, welcome - we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide - good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk...

'''Commander''': You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women.

'''Dick''': Ditto!

'''Butch''': Yeah, I hate women.

'''Alien''': Oh, sorry. We mean no offense... Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us - they enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.

''(One of these aliens arrive)''

'''Evil Alien''': What are you saying, sharing scum?

'''Alien''':I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.

'''Evil Alien''': Of course we have - you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy.

'''Commander''': I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?

'''Dick''': Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?

'''Butch''': Man, what's he saying?

'''Alien''': My god, you are a fucking moron - listen, you two - please - these evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.

'''Evil Alien''': You're weak. You deserve to suffer.

'''Commander''': He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible.

'''Dick''': Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.

'''Commander''': Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys... and I do not believe in any manner of deviation, except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?

'''Alien''': No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

'''Commander''': Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers and kill 'em good.

'''Space Rangers''': For democracy and liberty!

'''Commander''': Hoorah!

'''Alien''': But I can give you wisdom!

'''Evil Alien''': And I can make you rich!

'''Commander''': Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.

'''Aliens''': No, no, no, no.

''(Both Aliens run away from the Space Rangers)''

'''Commander''': Cook 'em!

''(The squid-like alien is shot through the back of his mouth)''

'''Commander''': That'll teach that sonofabitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you.

''(As Commander congratulates the two others, a stream of semen passes by him. The camera shifts to Dick who is pleasuring himself)''

'''Commander''': Oh, dammit Dick. I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space.

'''Dick''': Sorry Commander but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.

'''Space Rangers''': Republican Space Rangers!

'''Butch''': Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...

'''Commander''': Godammit!

'''Announcer''': When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS

==Venturas Poker Challenge==

==Split Sides (Katt Williams)==

[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]]