Ivan the Not So Terrible/Script
The following is a script of Ivan the Not So Terrible in Grand Theft Auto IV.
Mickey: Hey, how ya doing?
Niko: Hey, Mickey.
Mickey: What'll you have?
Niko: Glass of water.
Mickey: Glass of water.
(Vlad walks in the back and pokes his finger into the back of Niko's head)
Vlad: Bang, bang, you are dead. Wake up, you moron.
Niko: You got me.
Vlad: Come over here. Sit down. You remember Ivan?
Vlad: Guy you saw me talking to. This guy. Er... this guy?
(He shows him a picture from his phone)
Niko: Oh, yes. You guys had a little kiss.
Vlad: Very funny... what would you say if I told you he was going to rob your cousin?
Niko: I'd say... what problem has he got with my cousin?
Vlad: Hold on. (to phone) Hey, hey, hey gorgeous... no, I can't talk right now... What are you wearing?... No, I mean underneath it... great... Listen, I'll call you back, eh? (to Niko) Sorry.
Niko: Who was that?
Vlad: Never you mind.
Niko: Was it Ivan?
Vlad: Ooh, that's funny. You know, for a dumb yokel, you're a very funny guy.
Niko: Yes, and for an annoying dick, you're really an annoying dick.
Vlad: Well, it's a real shame, then, that I'm the guy with the powerful friends, and you're the little punk whose only friend is some fat weasel who drives a fucking cab...
Niko: So... why is Ivan going to rob my cousin?
Vlad: Because I want you to kill him.
Vlad: He's angered Mikhail... Mr. Faustin. Offended him. He thinks he's stealing some paperwork from Roman. You catch him, and kill him... then we say it was just a robbery that failed.
Niko: And what if I say I don't want to be your hitman?
Vlad: Then Mr. Faustin will be very angry with you... and your cousin.
Niko: Hmm, okay.
Vlad: I knew we would understand each other, once I put it in this simple way. Now, go wait for him by the cab depot!
Vlad: (to phone) Hey gorgeous, yeah where were we?... Okay now listen, let's talk about tonight...
(Niko starts chasing Ivan)
Niko: Alright, Ivan, let's do this.
Niko: So you're the guy I'm meant to kill?
Niko: That prick Vlad making me kill this guy. Man!
Niko: Where you going to?
Niko: I wasn't sure about killing you when Vlad asked. Now I'm coming around to the idea.
Niko: I'm going to catch you, asshole.
Niko: Slow the fuck up, asshole.
Niko: Shit, you're starting to annoy me.
(Ivan escapes into construction site)
Ivan: Shit. Shit. Shit.
Ivan: Vlad's a bum, don't kill me for him.
Ivan: Stay the fuck away from me, I was set up!
Niko: You trying to rob my cousin?
Ivan: Vlad's a bum, he set me up.
Niko: Man, I'm starting to sweat. Shit.
Niko: I thought everyone in this country was fat and slow.
Niko: Vlad don't like you no more, man.
Ivan: He's nothing in this town, don't do this for him.
Niko: You're a fast one, aren't you?
Ivan: I don't want no trouble with you!
(Niko corners Ivan)
Niko: You've ran out of roof, dickhead.
Niko: There ain't nowhere left for you to run.
(Ivan is clinging to the top of construction site)
Ivan: Please. Vlad told you to kill me, right? I wasn't stealing nothing from your cousin's place! Vlad told me to go there. Let me go and I'll lay low. No one's going to know that I'm alive. Not even my mother. I'll stay out of Hove Beach. I'll be a ghost. I promise. Please!
(If Niko chooses to kill Ivan)
Niko: I promised to deal with you. I don't break promises. (Niko kicks him off the roof to his death)
(If Niko chooses to spare Ivan)
Niko: Get up. (Helps Ivan back onto roof) If Vlad wants you dead, you can't be all bad. Stay out of Hove Beach.
Ivan: Thank you. You won't regret this, man. I am outta here! Wanted to leave anyway, get away from all these people from back home. Get into the real America. You never gonna see me around here again. I owe you my life, man. You're a good man, you're a good man, thank you.
Post mission phone call
(If Ivan is dead)
Niko: Ivan is dead. He came to a sticky end.
Vlad: Hey, you and your cousin's girlfriend should get together. She likes sticky finishes as well.
Niko: Fuck you. Say that to my face and I will break you.
(If Ivan is spared)
Niko: You won't be seeing your boyfriend Ivan no more. You going to miss him?
Vlad: No I'm not. I'm getting enough pussy at the moment. I tell you, is so much better if woman already have a man. Because you don't have to deal with all their shit all day. Take Mallorie, for example...
Niko: Fuck you. Say this to my face and I will break you.
Failing the mission
Ivan gets away
Niko: Hey, Vlad. I lost your boyfriend. He got away from me.
Vlad: I should have known you would screw this up. You are born loser, just like your cousin. Come see me sometime.