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Franklin and Lamar

WNKA International (Anne Bimby): Another studio shuttered and turned into flats.

The implosion of the American film industry continued today with the announcement that another major movie studio has closed its doors for good. Lowenstein Pictures was founded by Vinewood mogul Roy Lowenstein in the 1920s and soon became a production line for insipid family-friendly entertainment despite Mr. Lowenstein’s much publicized vicious mistreatment of his own wives and children. The news will no doubt deal another blow to Solomon Richards and his beleaguered Richards Majestic studio, which has been forced to scrape the creative barrel in recent years with desperate movies like Defender of The Faith in a last-ditch attempt to stave off bankruptcy.

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): Gang Crime on the rise again in Los Santos. Media to blame due to lack of coverage.

After years of falling interest in gangs and gang culture, a recent rise in gang violence and in gang membership across Los Santos has led to calls for greater regulations covering medial portrayals of violence. A broad spectrum of politicians were united in condemnation of the media yesterday after figures showed a recent upsurge in gang violence. The issue this time, according to experts in the field – a lack of recent movies and video games about gangs has apparently convinced young people that it is an acceptable choice. San Andreas gubernatorial candidate Sue Murry was one of many voices wanting to be heard. “It’s simply irresponsible of Vinewood not to cover social problems. Without education from movies, how are children supposed to learn that shooting each other has serious consequences? Video games are even worse because they donate even less money to social causes and they love violence, especially the wrong kind.”

Liberty Tree (Ian Garraway): BAWSAQ swings wildly, pain shoots through traders.

From the moment the opening bell rang in the financial district here in Liberty City, there was shouting and screaming heard on the trading floor – in the streets and out of the windows of some of the largest trading firms. Wild dips were seen as some companies lost 10 percent of their value in minutes as supercomputers executed millions of trades per second and their human masters sat back in horror as our financial system threatened to come crumbling down, before surging up in a late rally and ending the day just about to flay. “This is not conjecture, this is fact,” conjectured trader Adam Feinstein. Meanwhile regulators have been asked to look into the practice of computers automatically executing trades and causing wild swings in the markets. The practice has been banned on trading floors across Europe. “We’re not going to do anything Europe does, since it’s probably wrong,” said one trader.

Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Security Agencies go head-to-head for funding

They are often described as the “twin pillars of our national security”, but now the FIB and the IAA have found a new enemy – each other. Following calls for balanced budgets and a proposed reduction in defense and security funding, both agencies have been lobbying hard in the Capital recently to explain why their budget should stay intact. FIB spokesman Gary Lane told anyone who would listen “reducing out budget now would be crazy. It would be how a crazy person would act. And the person who did it would probably discover that not only were they crazy but also all of their dirty secrets were suddenly made public so everyone could decide if this is the kind of country we want to live in – one run by a crazy person with a mistress or two.” International Affairs Agency spokesperson Lucinda Jacob said “presidents that have tried to stop the IAA from performing our duty in ways we see fit have tended to wind up having their heads blown off. No. I’m only joking. Come on? Who can’t take a joke? The point is this – every day you’re not killed by terrorists or communists is a day you should give thanks to the IAA. We love this country. We will love everything it stands for, like freedom and apple pie and things like that. We will repress any freedoms necessary to keep you free and fed on apple pie, or something like that. Listen, we need to keep our funding. It’s that or someone is going to get you in the can.” Both agencies criticized the other and blamed them for America’s problems domestically and overseas. Neither would do so on the record.

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Congress Privatizes Defense as Weston takes big stake in Merryweather. CEO Percival ‘delighted to be of service. Disappointed at lack of scope.’

A motion in Congress was defeated yesterday that would prevented the expansion of companies such as Merryweather Security Consulting’s domestic operations. At the same time, it was announced that famed investor Devin Weston had bought a stake in the company. Merryweather CEO Don Percival has spent the last few months lobbying congress for more domestic contracts. Now he’s got his way with the firm being awarded several national and state defense contracts, although not yet the contract he craves with the Port of Los Santos or any of the country’s international airports. This means for the first time America is now outsourcing its domestic – as well as overseas – defense needs. Percival described the decision as “a farsighted and cost effective way to protect the nation. We will provide well-trained private contractors to do the job overly-entitled federal employees were doing for twice as much money.” At the same press conference, Merryweather announced it had sold a slug of its business – thought to be between 10 and 15 percent – to controversial investor, Devin Weston. Some eyebrows were raised at the timings, but Percival rejected these concerns as “pure coincidence masquerading as incrimination.”

Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Formage defeats revenue service – Epsilon program, ‘a religion, not a cult’ court declares.

Cris Formage and his fellow Epsilonists were celebrating yesterday after the Super Court of the State of San Andreas overturned the Revenue Service’s claim that they were a cult, and not a real religion, and therefore should have their charitable status repealed. An Epsilon Program Spokesman said “when you think of cults, you think of deluded, self-appointed demigods wearing silly clothes, inventing silly words and telling everyone how to live. That’s not Epsilonism at all. We are a religion. We all like the same color and we are all involved in writing a great work of scripture just like any other religion. The Tract is not yet written but it will be soon. This is a great day for mankind. In fact it’s the best day for a billion years or more. Kifflom.”


Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Possible breakthrough in Leonora Johnson case.

Since 1975 the brutal murder and dismemberment of pretty young starlet Leonora Johnson has remained unsolved, captivating conspiracy theorists and lonely nutjobs. Now police believe they have made a breakthrough. Ira Richards, director of marketing at Richards Majestic and grandson of golden age movie mogul studio founder David Richards told a reporter in a drunken moment that his grandfather claimed to have destroyed a confession letter in the weeks before his death. Mr. Richards passed away last year aged 103. His son, Solomon Richards, has run the family studio since 1978 and told reporters he knew nothing beyond the fact his son was a moron, and his father was delusional. Several theories have been put forward as to who committed this brutal crime, which was followed up with a series of anonymous letters to Ms Johnson’s parents. To find out more, visit

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Paps smear.

The Street Photographers Union who represent accredited paparazzi say that cameraphone wielding amateurs are putting hardworking celebrity stalkers out of business. In a recent high-profile incident, paparazzo Gene Admanson attacked a teenage girl who was snapping cameraphone pictures of pop-turned-country crooner Samantha Muldoon. “I make my living hiding in trash cans, jumping out in front of celebrity cars, trying to take pictures of their intimate areas. This is an art, and I will not be trodden on by amateurs,” he told the judge in court. It is estimated that one in five residents of Los Santos is a paparazzo, and the spread of cameraphones is threatening to put 20% of the city’s workforce out of employment.

Los Santos Meteor (Frank Edwards): Several dead in suspected gang shoot-out.

Police are scratching their heads as to what caused a violent shootout in Puerto Del Sol yesterday that left several gang members dead. The recent rise in gang crime continues unabated. An alley off Magellan Avenue in Vespucci Beach was turned into a war zone and the battle then spilt out onto the surrounding streets. Police are uncertain if this means drug wars between Hispanic gangs have reignited, or if this was simply a deal or an altercation gone wrong. The Vagos are known to have long-term turf wars both internally and with the city’s other major street gangs, including the Aztecas who have been largely forced out of Los Santos into Blaine County, the Ballas and the Families. No one is clear on what caused this massacre, with LSPD spokesman Lee Whitless stating “We are desperately searching for someone to blame. We haven’t found anyone yet, so we are probably going to try to say something silly like ‘it’s the fault of junk food or pollution’, simply for something to say.”

Weazel News (John Rios): Gang wars, gun smuggling terrorize region

The smuggling of weapons from the US into Mexico has transformed the Senora Desert region into a warzone in recent months, with rival traffickers including Mexican gang Varios Los Aztecas, El Salvadoran gang the Marabunta Grande and a network of independent traffickers working under the cartels. These groups are threatening to transform the Senora Desert region into a Wild West once again. Officials are concerned about how the violence will affect tourism.

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Lifeinvader to revolutionize with new product.

Lifeinvader, the social networking site that changed the way that people think about privacy, human interaction and photos of cats forever is poised to make history with a new product launch this week. The product, which is rumored to be a stand-alone mobile device, has been described by Lifeinvader’s CEO Jay Norris as “game-changing”, “totally creat-iv-spring” and “the result of a lot of blue-sky hammock time”.


PLO (Gavin Mason): Weston goes into showbusiness.

Los Santos’s most prominent financial guru and investor Devin Weston made a typically unexpected move yesterday. Just as conventional wisdom is moving out of movies in general and Vinewood studios in particular, Mr Weston bough a significant stake in legendary ‘mini major’ Richards Majestic. Founded in 1929 current head honcho, Solomon Richards’ late father David, Richards Majestic has endured turbulent times as a string of remakes, rom coms and super hero pictures have bombed at the box office. The result – Richards Majestic, the last true independent film studio – is now at least in part, under the ownership of a man who knows how to make money, if not movies. Mr. Weston told our reporter “I could not be happier. I love this town and now I’ve finally made an investment in its biggest industry. Richards Majestic has two movies currently in production; “Meltdown” and “Deep Inside”. We expect to make money with both. I couldn’t hope to learn from a better teacher than Solomon Richards, but I’m also hoping he can learn a thing or two from me.”

PLO (Gavin Mason): Big Brother in your bathroom?

A new online feture by Internet search juggernaut Eyefind has some privacy experts concerned. Eyefind Street Maps uses thermal and high resonance imaging to scan every house inside and out as an Eyefind truck travels down the street. High resolution images of the inside of your home are then viewable for anyone to see. “I like it,” says Mindy Thompson. “It lets all your friends see what your place looks like.” The online outcry has been from so called privacy experts. Liberal lawmakers heralded the move. “This is another great example of how Eyefind has successfully monetized our private information. They’ve taken every TV, film, song and even pictures of the inside of our homes and monetized it for their gain. It’s a true American success story,” said Representative Richard Eggers.

Daily Rag (David Christian): Rash of ARM robberies.

Citizens and visitors to Los Santos are being warned to stay on the alert after a spate of violent robberies at ATMs across the city. The LSPD is urging people to scan the surrounding area for suspicious characters before approaching an ATM. “We certainly do not want to encourage profiling”, said police spokesman Lee Whitless, “but we would advise people to use cautious prejudice; you know, hide it behind a smile, the liberal way.”

Los Santos Shepherd (Makayla Taylor): Joyrider smashes into cars dealership in Pillbox Hill.

Traffic accidents are common enough in Los Santos. Traffic accidents involving parked cars are not uncommon. Traffic accidents involving cars parked inside a dealership are still unusual, however, but that is just what happened yesterday in Pillbox Hill. A deranged or possibly drunk joyrider drove his car straight into the showroom of Premium Deluxe Motorsport. The owner, Mr Simeon Yetarian, was injured in the accident, but the driver fled the scene before cops could get there. Mr Yetarian told our reporter “I am a well known philanthropist and charity worker as well as an excellent car dealer. Therefore I can only say it is greatly unfortunate that a chubby alcoholic would consider my showroom an acceptable place to crash his car. I am hoping given all the work I do in the community and especially for race relations that the city will me pay for the damage.” A spokesman for the city commented “we have no comment at this time.”


Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Prescription pain junkies flock to pharmacies

At one time Americans dealt with pain by having a stiff drink, a barbiturate, and lying down on a therapist’s couch to cry. But now people are skipping the therapy and going straight to the pills. Up to one in four Americans is addicted to pain pills like Deludamol and Zombix and some warn that this spells trouble. The pharmaceutical industry has denied accusations that they are overzealously advertising morphine-based painkillers for profit. They said that the sponsorship of stock car races, football games, and little league soccer is their way of giving back to the community.

StarsTalk (Gareth Wyn): Miranda Cowan pap fight

In what must be the most media attention washed-up hag Miranda Cowan has received since turning 30 and becoming irrelevant, rival paparazzi came to blows over shots of her allegedly slamming a speedball in the back of a limousine. The two paparazzi involved, Beverly Felton and Madison Fox, are long-term contributors to Starstalk and as odious a pair of douchebags as you’ll ever meet, which is why we love them. But photos of Miranda ‘The Silicone Slattern” Cowan? Come on, guys. You’re a decade too later with those. That drug-addled cougar has had more plastic surgery than a burn victim. Step it up.


LS24 (Annie Frost): Classic 60s arthouse film returns to local theaters.

To celebrate the 50th anniversary of the Emanuelle Pasorelli’s legendary picture, Capolavoro is returning to local theaters. As confusing as it was when the movie debuted, the story winds its way through the mind of a man who betrayed his best friend and is fighting with retirement, his wife, and himself. The dialog is in several languages, adding to the art of it. Art isn’t supposed to be understood by just anyone and this is a prime example of something you can feel good about yourself for getting through.

Daily Globe (Forrest Simon): Terror on the highway.

Motorists on the Del Perro Freeway were thrown into a panic when a high-speed gun battle broke out between two vehicles, one of which was carrying a yacht. What sparked the clash and the identity of the two groups of men involved is not yet known, but this leads us to our reader poll of the day: “Is a drive-by shootout over a luxury yacht a sign that Los Santos is in economic crisis, or out of economic crisis?”

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Celebrities still choosing Epsilon program.

Despite recent controversies, including a court case over accusations of being a cult, more and more celebrities are choosing to become Epsilonists. The Epsilon Program, a Los Santos based religion that has been derided, attacked, ridiculed and accused of everything from charlatanism and fraud to slavery and prostitution continues to grow. Yesterday, at an Epsilon even in Los Santos, several celebrities revealed they were committed Epsilonists and vowed to help spread the message. Prominent actor Bruce Spade told reporters “I’m a patriot so I wanted an American religion, because I believe in America and that’s what Epsilonism is all about.” Celebrity and internet entrepreneur Tony McTony told reporters “I have an incredible sense of self worth and that’s what Epsilonism encourages – it has really helped me understand why I am so important. ” Heartthrob and rising star, Jimmy Boston announced “Cris Formage is a prophet. He saw something in me and since then my career has really taken off. Now I’ve got a couple movies lined up. If that isn’t a cool religion, I don’t know what is.” The Epsilon Program also announced a plan to recruit one hundred trillion more members within five years which will ensure they will remain the world’s fastest growing religion for quite a while.

Daily Rag (Reed Brazier): Los Santos Transit Authority to shut streets?

The Los Santos Transit Authority announced a 16 billion dollar project to install a network of streetcar rails throughout the city. “People love streetcars. They are in a lot of old movies, and you can jump on or off. And sometimes a woman gets on the streetcar in tears, and it starts to pull away, and then you chase after it, but it’s too fast, and you never see her again. So you go to a boozy gin mill and pick up a floozy sitting next to you, secretly loathing her and yourself. We think this will be a big boost to tourism.” City official Jack Ingram said. Others say that it’s a massive waste of money in a town addicted to cars. Still others say they welcome the streetcars as something new to throw yourself in front of.

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Chinese steal drug market.

Not content with attacking the fundamentals of our capitalist economy with their cheap labor and vibrant industrial base, it appears that China is now coming after our shadow economy. At a press conference earlier today announcing new intergovernmental strategies to combat drug trafficking, a spokesperson from Globopol revealed that criminal organizations from mainland China are attempting to infiltrate the US drug market. The international policing organization claims that senior gang members from a number of Chinese organized crime families have entered the country illegally in recent months, including the Wei Cheng Triad that operates out of Yangshan in Guangdong.

The Long Stretch

Public Liberty Online (Michael MacKenzie): “Please! I need my medicine!” local man says of Proposition 208.

Timothy Wilkins was diagnosed at a young age. “The doctor said that I had a weak ego and it was because of a chemical imbalance in my brain. I’ve wrestled with it for years. Its affected my work, my home life, my relationships. In order to get the medicine I need, I have to break the law. And that’s wrong.” Wilkins said. He is one of many residents who are working to pass Proposition 208 and legalize what most say is a harmless drug: cocaine. “When I take it, everything is ok again. I feel confident. I walk up to a girl in a bar and am not worried about rejection. Before you know it she is doing a line off my cock.” Mr Wilkins said, beaming.

The measure will be voted on in the upcoming election.

The Senora Beacon (Claudine Shorn): Gangs and death in Alamo Sea.

First it was the bikers, now the Mexican- Not wanting to get the Senora Beacon in any further legal trouble with my sweeping generalizations, I should add that I am talking about gangs, of course; specifically the Lost Motorcycle Club and, more recently, Los Varios Aztecas. According to my sources – which are primarily Janet at the Yellowjack Inn – Los Varios Aztecas, a Mexican-American street gang, are now using the Alamo Sea region as their main of operations, having been largely forced out of Los Santos by vicious turf wars with rivals Los Santos Vagos.

Public Liberty Online (Kate Ohajan): Reclusive director Dreyfuss back at work?

Vinewood legend, uncompromising artist and aesthete, control freak, pervert, genius, recluse. Just a few of the labels used to describe Peter Dreyfuss. Not, it seems we could add another – comeback of the year. Rumors are rife in movie business circles that Mr. Dreyfuss is about to get back behind the lens for the first time since his confusing flop “Last Will & Testament” baffled audiences and critics alike, leaving Mr. Dreyfuss incandescent with rage and vowing never to work again. While he was away from the camera, his legend just continued to grow in all directions. Prominent critic James Lavergne called him the one true American genius of the 1970s. Several women came forward and described him as a sex offender and a danger to all. Some claim to have seen him mediating in the Himalayas. Others claim he was teaching philosophy in Italy. Now it seems he’s back in Vinewood and ready to work his magic again, pursuing his savage post-deconstructionalist absurdist aesthetic. The question remains – does anyone know what his pictures are about?

Los Santos Shepherd (Makayla Taylor): Suspected drug deal turns into bloodshed

Something went very wrong as a drug deal at a recycling plant in La Puerta descended into a violent shootout, leaving several gang members dead and police confused as to what has caused these recent upsurge in extreme gang crime. The dead mostly seemed to be affiliated with the notorious Ballas gang. If this was an internecine struggle between different ‘sets’ within the gang, or part of the Ballas eternal struggle with The Families, or a falling out with another of the city’s many street gangs, is at this point unclear. The LSPD called for additional funding to look into the program and potentially restart some of their since discredited anti-gang programs. Vinewood has applied for the movie rights to yesterday’s events.

Marriage Counseling

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): Greed and green screens killing jobs as Meltdown production begins.

Key Grips, Best Boys, Set designers, fluffers, on-set blow dealers and many other professions that rely on film and TV shoots say their jobs are being outsourced to China as even more pictures are filmed entirely on green screen. “At first we thought that CG was amazing. I mean, movies with no real story and just lots of cool effects. It was great. But when it starts to take away jobs for romantic comedy and dramatic thriller shoots, that’s when we cry foul. Foul! I mean Richard Majestic’s new picture is set in Liberty City. But instead of shooting it there, it’s being filmed in a shed in Los Santos.” howled Film Union representative William Veranzic. Movie studios say that the cost of production is astronomical and that making drivel will be a lot more economical with increased green screen use.

Daily Rag (David Christian): Stilt house collapses in Vinewood Hills

One of the most famous hillside stilt houses of Vinewood came crashing down to earth yesterday in an incident that has police claiming foul play. The house, which is registered to a Mexican holding company, fell down the hillside. Some eyewitness reports claim they felt some kind of local earthquake, while others said they saw two men trying to pull the house down. Insurance investigators have been at the site since this morning trying to figure out what happened. One told us “we will figure out what happened.” Stilt houses, mostly built in the late 1950s and 1960s have been popular stops on Los Santos architecture tours, and this home, designed and built by legendary émigré architect Tueton for his Finnish movie star mistress, was considered a particular fine specimen. Rebuilding costs are estimated at between one and three million dollars.

Weazel News (John Rios): Patriots to defend border.

Frustrated at the half-hearted enforcement of our nation’s borders, some angry patriots are starting to take matters into their own hands. Weazel News has received a number of calls in recent weeks – almost all overwhelmingly positive in tone, we should add – supporting claims that vigilante border patrol guards are operating in rural San Andreas, mostly in and around the Alamo Sea. The men, who allegedly call themselves the Civil Border Patrol, have been rounding up undocumented workers and handing them over to the authorities for a fair evaluation of their residency status. It is entirely understandable that some self-starting citizens would want to step in to pick up the slack where the government has failed to do so. Well done, we say.

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Dorks line up! Line already 3 months till launch of new iFruit phone.

Sean Douglas has a girlfriend. A group of great friends he loves talking to. A fantastic job. At least, in his mind. In reality the Dukes resident is resting in a sleeping bag outside the iFruit store in downtown Liberrty City as the first in line for a phone that won’t be released for 3 months. Defecating in plastic bags, eating cans of tune and being spit on by strangers will all be worth it says Douglas. “Nothing is more important than having a phone two days earlier than everybody else. Some say that iFruit’s glory days are behind it – in fact a reporter said that to me yesterday. That’s nonsense!” he told us.

Friend Request

Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Stocks take a wild turn, egged on by unscrupulous traders and philandering author.

The BAWSAQ market went into freefall in late trading today. Economist are growing concerned at the wild fluctuations of the market and the future of America’s economy. Many amateur investors are being encouraged by the book “Mounting Bulls and Riding Bears” by Karl Kelly, which some say is shoddy and reckless advice from a well-known philanderer who recently left his beautiful wife for a woman half his age. She intends to take him for everything he’s got, including all future proceeds of that shitty book you hair backed small dicked balding egomaniac and if you think you’re going to ever see your kids again buddy, you are as deluded as every chapter in your idiotic book. Go fuck yourself asshole.

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Life invaded! Jay Norris killed giving key note live on tv.

Viewers were horrified yesterday to witness the worst act of corporate espionage in American history. Jay Norris, the controversial, outspoken champion of openness and data mining had his data mined all over the stage when his head was blown off while giving a keynote speech at a shareholder meeting at the Vinewood Bowl, Los Santos. Mr Norris, CEO and founder of social networking site Lifeinvader had made many enemies in his rise to the top, but nobody thought he was a likely assassination target. He had recently been championing the rights of companies to share and use data as they saw fit more freely. He had also helped block proposed legislation to regulate the use of out sourced labor, arguing that is “un-American of us to tell foreigners how many hours a mature 12 year old should work, or what their minimum wage should be. In some countries you can live very well on 35 cents a day.” He was demonstrating the company’s much hyped Lifeinvader “docking” smart phone when his head was blown off, killing him instantly.

Liberty Tree (Ian Garraway): The Lost Found: Biker gang rises from ashes. Now menacing desert communities in Blaine County, San Andreas.

A few years ago, they were involved in a civil war in Alderney that left many dead and made some believe the Lost motorcycle club was consigned to history. Now they’ve resurfaced in the Alamo Sea area in the desert north of Los Santos and are once again raising havoc. For years, the Lost were involved in a seemingly non-stop war with the Angels of Death. Then came 2008’s bloody civil war that apparently wiped them out for good. Now, they are back and worse than ever. The Lost are known to be heavily involved in two of the biggest industries for the impoverished desert towns of Blaine County: Illegal arms dealing, especially supplying violent gangs and separatists in Canada with American hardware; and the manufacture and distribution of crystal methamphetamine, the nightmare drug that has devastated small town life in too many rural communities, but been a great boon to the washing machine industry.

WNKA International (Faith Bailey): Merryweather offer world’s most secure courier service.

What do you give the person who has everything? Well, whatever you give them, make sure you get it shipped by Merryweather’s infamous courier service. Alongside their private security and bodyguarding divisions, Merryweather inc, the controversial company sometimes called “Don Percival’s private army” is now trying to supplant the postal service – at least for the extremely wealthy. They now offer a worldwide deluxe courier service, advertised as the world’s safest, ideal for moving art and other valuable treasures. Percival told reporters “With an ever greater and more powerful elite demanding better and better services, we saw a gap in the market. Now we can protect your Ming vase or luxury sports car from the common herd with the same care as we protect you as you both move from A to B.”

The Jewel Store Job

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Weekend warriors leaving city in droves, invading Blaine County.

Jeff Osterman and his friends are successful professionals who work as animators at Fred’s. But on weekends they put on skintight bike riding unitards and ride their $10,000 well tuned feather light bicycles through the hills and valleys of the Alamo Sea in Blaine County. The area is becoming popular with many Vinewood professionals and Mirror Park hipsters looking for a weekend getaway to see the other side of life. “You see all sorts of crazy stuff out here,” said Osterman. “The locals mostly just leave us alone. We had one group of drunk guys who were having a big BBQ with ATVs, a trampoline and mud wrestling throw some rocks at us last month, but we laughed it off. These people are so primal, it’s really fun to see them in their habitat.”


The police have turned up new leads in their investigation into the recent robbery of Vangelico jewelers in Rockford Hills. They believe the crime was tied to an attack on a Humane Labs and Research shipment carrying BZ gas. Police also believe the van used by the robbers was recently stolen from a Bugstar Pest Control Warehouse in South Los Santos. Despite making these connections, investigators are no closer to finding the suspects who cleaned out the store for millions of dollars worth of jewels, escaped on motorcycles, and evaded police in the LS River. The police are not yet close to making an arrest.

StarsTalk (Gareth Wyn): Fame or Shame is back!

The celeb judges are back and they are ready to tussle as doe-eyed wannabe stars set out to be judged by three has-beens. Everyone at Starstalk is excited about the new season of Fame or Shame. Hugh remains a moody Brit, Anita gushes and slurs her way through the show and life in general, while Imran shills products like no other judge can. We also have to defend the show’s choice to continue with Lazlow as host. While many complain he’s a neurotic mess, we like seeing the banter between him and Hugh. Is a romance brewing? We’ll keep you posted!

Trevor Philips Industries

The Senora Beacon (Bucy Joe Houston): Shoutout at liquor store.

Sandy Shores has been torn apart by violence once again after rival drug gangs clashed in a shootout at the Ace Liquor store, which is rumored to be a front for a drug manufacturing operation. If I had a dollar for every meth lab they’d found in Sandy Shores over the last decade, I’d probably be able to afford one of those fancy fibreglass roofs for my trailer by now. Remember the good old days in Blaine County before methamphetamine when people would let off steam by drinking themselves unconscious every night?

Los Santos Shepherd (Donna DeSimons): Wealthy citizens are promising to stop Metro extension.

Delissa Wilkins doesn’t have a car. She takes the bus and Metro an hour and a half each way to work. And people like her are the problem according to City Council member Heather Polinsky. “We can’t keep dumping billions of dollars into trains and buses nobody wants to be seen on. I mean, aren’t these people embarrassed? You might as well stand on top of the roof and yell, ‘Hey everyone, look at me! I’m poor!” Polinsky said in a recent hearing. Community leaders say expanding mass transit will help residents who may not have the funds to buy a car and are productive members of society. Council members laughed at that idea and moved on to the next order of business.

PLO (Gavin Mason): Façade mining your data and selling it.

They’re our favorite software giant, operating system monopolist, and licensing racketeer. Façade’s 25-year dictatorship might be on shaky ground following accusations that the company has been mining customer data and selling it not only to third parties in America, including the Lawton administration, but also in Russia, Iran, North Korea and other countries. Jackson Skinner, Head of Product Development at Façade vehemently denies the claims, saying that “Our customers’ private information is very important to us and on the rare occasion it is used without the client’s consent it is always done with their best interests at heart.”

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Are men going soft on Mollis?

Betta Pharmaceuticals’ long reign over the erectile dysfunction market might be under threat from a controversial rival product that claims to be cheaper, stronger and more fun with alcohol. Called “Priapol” and manufactured by Bilkinton Research, the drug is still unapproved by regulators and there have been alarming reports of severe reactions to the pill ranging from urethra splitting to heart failure. However, Bilkinton Research’s CEO, Bret Lowrey told reporters yesterday that Priapol’s side effects had been grossly exaggerated, and that final approval was just “days away” and suggested customers should continue to party like men half their age until they hear otherwise.

Nervous Ron

The Senora Beacon (Claudine Shorn): Sheriff’s office unable to cope with drug violence.

The Blaine County Sheriff’s office told reporters it was swamped and unable to cope following the recent outbreak of drug-related violence in the Senora Desert region and across Blaine County. Another violent incident yesterday saw a massive shootout between drug factions at Sandy Shores Airfield that left many dead and police confused. Police Spokesman Elmore Thickett told reporters “these violent incidents are becoming all too common in Blaine County. Sure we’ve always had problems – this is a poor county – but the past few months have seen things get completely out of control. We don’t know how to cope and are requesting help from the state. So far, they seem more interested in posing in movies than stopping folk up here from getting shot but that ain’t nothing new.” Experts are blaming the violence on a multi-sided turf war with participants trying to gain control of the cocaine trade from Mexico into Los Santos, as well as the methamphetamine trade most of which is manufactured locally before being sold overseas and across the country. As many as five major gangs may be involved in the trade. Some are seen as particularly deranged. The highly lucrative crystal methamphetamine trade seems to be headquartered in the towns around the Alamo Sea, while it is also believed several Mexican cartels also have a presence in the area. Police have attributed several recent massacres to an on-going turf war thought to involve four or five different gangs, including: outlaw biker gangs, Mexican cartels, street gangs from Los Santos and two or more local operations. Some recent shootouts have been so bloody, some local politicians are calling for increased firepower and have requested either military or paramilitary support to control recent events. Don Percival, CEO of Merryweather has offered his company’s services. Reports link several incidents to a particular local drug dealer police are desperately trying to identify. Police are appealing for calm, within reason. “We want people to panic but only in so far as it is useful” they told us.

Los Santos Meteor (Frank Edwards): Residents to Farmers Market: Go back to your farms.

When the farmers market takes over a city block, residents say it’s like a plague of locusts has descended on the neighborhood. “Oh my god it is awful. These people mill about, buying overpriced crap, talking about recycling and hippie nonsense. It’s all so phony,” one resident complained. The farmers market has become a staple of southern San Andreas city life, where residents say they need to make themselves feel better and more connected to the earth in a place that breeds self-loathing and the electronic mechanization of our everyday lives. However, most people agree that food belongs in a grocery store, not being sold in the streets by people who compost their own feces.

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Several hitchhikers have gone missing in Blaine County. Police confused.

“We’re confused” said a police spokesperson yesterday. At the same time, he admitted that he didn’t have answers or even really too many questions. “Just a lot of questions about questions and that those questions were themselves possibly not really questions at all. Over the past 12 months, several hitch hikers and hikers have gone missing while walking in the western hills and mountains of Blaine County. Police are baffled as to why. Of the 7 people who are missing, no trace has been found of any of them. Three were drifters, but four were people out hiking in the area. People don’t normally just disappear into thin air and that’s why we are confused. It’s a crime without a victim, without a suspect and without a crime at the moment. We don’t know what to say. When we do, we’ll say it.”

Weazel News (Leslie Gardner): Merryweather deny they are already working at the Port of Los Santos.

Controversial firm Merryweather Security Consulting denied they are already working a security detail at the Port of Los Santos. The port, the world’s second busiest, has long been seen as a potential weak spot in the war on terror, with up to a third of America’s imports and half of all exports passing through. After several lapses in security over the past 3 years, Don Percival, Merryweather’s outspoken CEO has been lobbying for the contract. Given the controversy around outsourcing government defence contracts, Merryweather felt compelled to say they were not working there yet, until the matter was properly resolved. Percival’s spokesman told us, “Yes Don has friends in government. Yes Don sometimes takes his friends on expensive vacations and yes, Don is competing for highly lucrative government defense contracts. We see no possible conflicts of interest. If you can’t trust a xenophobic psychopath with a private army, who can you trust? He’s the perfect American, so why would he want to defraud a country he loves.”

Crystal Maze

The Senora Beacon (Amber Sue Andrews): Drug wars escalate in Alamo Sea.

Police in Blaine County are requesting increased resources from the state to deal with the latest outbreak of drug-related violence. The highly lucrative crystal methamphetamine trade seems to be headquartered in the towns round the Alamo Sea, while it also believed several Mexican cartels also have a presence in the area. Police have attributed several recent massacres to an on-going turf war thought to involve four or five different gangs, including outlaw biker gangs, cartels, street gangs from Los Santos and two or more local operations. Some recent shootouts have been so bloody, some local politicians are calling for increased firepower and have requested either military or paramilitary support to control recent events. Don Percival, CEO of Merryweather has offered his company’s services.

Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Cranley and Murry get nasty as campaign intensifies.

If liberal candidate Sue Murry has her way, the San Andreas residents will pay 82.5 percent income tax. “Residents need to do their bit to help get this state back on the mend, and if that means paying higher taxes then that’s what we’ll have to do. Come on, it’s not like you can’t afford it,” Murry said at a local campaign stop where she hugged a veteran and pretended to like junk food. Jock Cranley has vowed to eliminate tax in the state by selling off all unneeded parkland and reducing education budgets by 98 percent, proposals that many believe make sense in a time of belt tightening.

Prattle (Baylee Capella): OMG – Henderson gives Vinewood Star Tours the finger!

Once legendary actor Gordon Henderson is furious at celebrity home bus tour company Vinewood Star Tours. They recently announced their decision to leave him off the tour in order to add the homes of contemporary stars that people care about. Henderson slammed the decision and filed a lawsuit in court – one that we hope drags on for weeks as it has been a slow news day for celebrities as no one is overdosing!

WNKA International (Anne Bimby): British Animation Leading the Way!

We’ve long led the world in talent shows and boy bands. Now top British talent is trying to take over the last bastion of American entertainment hegemony – animation. “The Loneliest Robot” has been a surprise hit in America, with moviegoers loving its whimsical charm and home spun tale of good overcoming adversity via ultra violence, despite some parents voicing concern that some of the material was too extreme for children. The film, which was banned as pornographic here in the UK, has been a huge hit in America with audiences of all ages. We spoke to one mother outside a theatre in Vice Beach. “My kids loved it because of the extreme violence and group sex, my husband liked it because the robot controlled his wife, I just loved the melancholy mood that made me feel intellectual.” American animation bohemoth Fred’s are now expanding production in their UK facility and are promising several more Loneliest Robot films, video games, fast food meals, and other tie-ins. Director S. Louis Crawford told us “the British are coming – this time it’s true. We’re going to take over and I’m getting that statue even if I have to blow someone.”

Friends Reunited

The Senora Beacon (Claudine Shorn): Stab city earning its name amidst violence.

A trailer park on the South West corner of the Alamo Sea has been destroyed by a series of explosions that could be heard as far away as Paleto Bay. ‘Stab City’, as it was unironically known, was a known biker gang stronghold and it is assumed that this was yet another revenge attack by rival drug gangs in the ever worsening drug wars that have been plaguing our region. When will this violence end? Can there be many more bikers left to kill at this point? Or will they just keep popping back up like weeds as we have seen so many times before?

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): Cop artist: I’m painting the perps!

Sergeant Tim Kenner never forgets a face. “That’s because I paint pictures of every criminal I apprehend, and their faces are typically a bloody mess by the time I’m done,” Kenner says. The paintings are all the rage among conservative arts patrons. Groups say that many of the people Kenner paints are never convicted of a crime and that is effectively trolling the streets in a patrol car looking for subjects to paint. He also paints homicide scenes. “It relaxes me,” Kenner said.

Daily Rag (Reed Brazier): Nerds still stiff for stiff.

Murder nerds are still going crazy for Leonora Johnson, the beautiful starlet who was hacked to death nearly 40 years ago in a crime that has never been solved. The murder has long fascinated a section of Los Santos crime aficionados and recently some believe there may have been a breakthrough in the long cold case. A slip of the tongue from movie executive Ira Richards led some to believe that his grandfather, Vinewood legend David Richards may have destroyed a confession letter shortly before he died. Various people are still trying to find remnants of the letter and see who wrote it. Mr Richards now claims he was misquoted and that this is a non story but that hasn’t put off amateur detectives who have long believed a Vinewood cover-up helped protect a powerful killer who may still walk among us.

Vinewood Souvenirs - Mark

Liberty Tree (Ian Garraway): Shame on Senators and Representatives.

The recent revelation that United States Senators and Representatives are being sexually swayed to pass or stall legislation by an ingenious group of attractive lobbyists is troubling. ID K Street hired the most attractive women right out of college and trained them to use their influence on politicians to get legislation passed or stalled. “It’s fun!” said lobbyist Bailey Kane. “I wriggle on a guys lap and he stops something called the Affordable Care Health Care Thingy. I feel like I’ve helped someone.”

Vinewood Souvenirs - Kerry

Stars Talk (Gareth Wyn): Poor Kerry’s pooch.

What started out as just another obscenely extravagant Portola Drive shopping trip for supermodel Kerry McIntosh ended in terror when a maniac chased down her beloved dog Dexie and stole its $ 3,000 collar. Police are still looking for the assailant, described by eye witnesses as a Caucasian homeless drug addict somewhere between 40 and 60 year of age. Police have no leads but our hearts break for Kerry who must be devastated.

Prattle (Baylee Capella): Vinewood bigwigs getting horn for endangered species.

When Derek Milanese pleaded guilty to trafficking endangered species and grinding up rhinoceros horn for his best-selling protein plus powders, he was unapologetic. “People have to get healthy, get fir, get big, get dumb, and I show them how. Milanese said in court “I had no idea that the ingredients I was buying from that Asian gentleman at the docks were from an endangered species. I thought it was ginger whey powder from China.” When asked what ginger whey was, he replied “I don’t know.”

Vinewood Souvenirs - Tyler

Liberty Tree (Sean Brown): Wearable computing gets real – iFruit Shoes.

Bill Owen was sceptical at first.

“Electronic shoes that tell me where to walk, guide me to deals, help me avoid bad areas of town, yeah right, that’s just a dream!” said Owen. But that dream will become a reality with next quarter’s launch of new Ifruit shows, the wearable computing wonder announced by the electronics company famously known for its overpriced phones and tablets. The company also announced ifruit underwear which vibrates when you are near a bathroom or fellow ifruit underwear user interested in quick anonymous sex.

Prattle (Henry Fernandez): Ty-Di home invader makes of with wardrobe.

A vagrant broke into Tyler Dixon’s Rockford Hills home and stole some of his clothes while the reality TV star was relaxing by his swimming pool. Ty-Di, the ex backing dancer who became famous for marrying Cloe Parker, divorcing her on TV, getting clean on a celebrity rehab show, losing weight on a celebrity dieting show, reorganizing his closet on a celebrity hoarding show, and solving a string of other personal problems for money on television, had a predictably moronic and arrogant response to the incident, “Can you imagine being so famous that people wanna steal your underwear? It’s no big deal. I only wear clothes once anyway. It’s just really humbling, dude.” We’ll stay on this story in case something interesting happens, which we doubt.

Vinewood Souvenirs - Willie

Talkin’ Balls! (John Jackson): Nothing moer American than prison and baseball.

You must have seen the announcement that Incarcerate US is planning to buy the Corkers. A for-profit prison company running a sports team? Many are shocked. But we think it makes sense. The majority of sports stars these days are either criminals or about to be criminals, as unscrupulous sports agents take talented but spoiled and na-ve young women and men, and encourage them to buy sports cars and act like assholes in order to get press and increase their Bleeter followers. Itr is a sad world we live in. Greed, guts and glory are the only things that will see us through.

Stars Talk (Tamara Dawkins): Love Fist’s Willie McTavish attacked!

Willie Mc Tavish, the bassist for the Scottish hair metal legends Love Fist, has been attacked by an obsessed fan in Los Santos’ Tequil-la- la nightclub. The assailant forced his way into the club, punched the rock star in the mouth and made off with one of his gold teeth. Willie seemed relatively unfazed by the attack and continued drinking whiskey.

Fame or Shame

WNKA International (Anne Bimby): Automaker goes to Penny.

Billionaire venture capitalist Isaac Penny has announced that he will be taking a controlling stake in the beleaguered Vapid Motor Company, which has blown through all its bailout money and is now teetering on the brink of bankruptcy once again. In the press, Penny is trying to paint himself as the saviour of a great American institution, but a history of ruthless asset stripping suggests that his real intentions are far less noble. Dear oh dear. America. We colonized It, they homogenized it. At this rate their car industry will be as moribund as ours.

Public Liberty Online (Kate Ohajan): State department denies radiation leak.

Government officials were scrambling yesterday to deny reports of a radiation spill across the ocean floor. Leaked documents suggested that waste had spilled from several tankers during the storms last winter and this was part of a great problem that the government has known about for years and consistently denied. Jim Donovan of the State Department told reporters “these are the kind of malicious lies and rumors that stop people respecting their government. They are typical of the internet which is why we are thinking of shutting it down. I mean does anyone think it credible that the government would lie to them about something serious? Of course nuclear power is safe, nearly as safe as oil, which is why these are the fuels we subsidise. As if nuclear waste could possibly have slipped off the deck of a tanker in a storm. The idea is ludicrous. The person who told you this was a liar and probably an addict who needs rehab.

Talkin’ Balls! (John Jackson): Will Los Santos finally get a football team again?

For Los Santos football fans, it’s the nightmare they can’t wake up from. A greedy team owner bent this city over and callously banged away, slapping and spitting and pulling hair, moving our beloved Pounders football franchise to another state, as fans wept in the corner of the shower. You still see signs and sweatshirts with the Pounders logo, as well all still mourn their passing. Now, according to inside sources, a football team could be coming to the city. We hope that politicians do whatever it takes and give all the tax breaks available so that we can enjoy eating hotdogs in a sweltering parking lot once again.

Daily Globe (Forrest Simon): Chaos as Fame or Shame set turns to car chase.

Panic turned to chaos turned to bedlam as an argument broke out between outspoken Fame or Shame host Lazlow and the relative of a contestant who was auditioning. It is believed the fight began when the father of a contestant objected to his daughter’s appearance on the show and chased the host from the scene. Onlookers were traumatized. This is a further worry for Fame or Shame, which has been dipping in the ratings recently.

Vinewood Souvenirs - Al Di Napoli

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Di Napoli kidnapping has family in tears.

Al Di Napoli has been kidnapped by a group of unknown, possibly elderly, assailants who pursued him in a high-speed chase through the streets of Los Santos, leaving a trail of carnage in their wake. Eyewitnesses report seeing the actor being put into the trunk of a car outside the Pillbox Hill Medical Center by what looked like a homeless man. It’s a story unbelievable enough to be reminiscent of the kind of action movies Al used to star in before he discovered methamphetamine, and police are curious why the kidnappers picked Di Napoli, whose career has been on the skids for over a decade, rather than somebody more famous or relevant. At this time, no ransom payment has been requested.

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Government listening in on your phone sex.

Despite the petty concerns of privacy advocates, the government is sensibly monitoring phone, text, and web communications to protect us from another terrorist attack. But as part of this effort, agents are also forced to monitor calls of people having phone sex. Agent Timothy Davis says he’s heard about enough. “People think that monitoring private conversations would be fun and exciting, but it’s mostly really boring people separated for economic reasons jacking off on the phone.” The government has promised to continue the program.

Vinewood Souvenirs - The Last Act

Daily Rag (David Christian): Your phone is killing your love life.

You see a pic of her online. She is irresistible. You begin sending messages. Pretty soon you’re stopping what you are doing at work to check if she’s sent a message. Your phone beeps. Thrilled, you check it. You sigh in despair. It’s a message from your current significant other – nagging you about something irrelevant. Your heart dies. Many experts say that your phone is killing your love life. Instead of anticipating returning home, men are barraged by messages from their spouse, pushing them to the point of infidelity. A new initiative sponsored by Whiz Wireless encourages men to have a “good boy phone” for their wife or girlfriend and a “naughty boy phone” for things that actually make them happy.

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): Greusome end to Al Di Napoli.

We can confirm that Al Di Napoli has been found dead on the train tracks by the Palmer-Taylor Power Station. Emergency workers have still not recovered all the actor’s body, which was only identified by his distinctive over-sized veneers. Our thoughts are with the Di Napoli family. While they were preparing for the worst after his kidnapping, surely getting mangled by a freight train was not high on the list of possible outcomes and, if it was, police should probably talk to them.

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): Al Di Napoli rescue lightens mood of city.

Al Di Napoli has survived his kidnapping ordeal and is back home safe and sound. The actor issued a statement saying that he doesn’t want to talk to police, the press or anybody else about what happened during his abduction, calling it the “most humiliating experience of (his) life”, but will be accepting calls from agents and producers about possible direct-to-TV movie roles to help him heal as an artist.

Three's Company

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Globopol to help crack down on gangs.

Globopol has announced a series of creative new strategies to crack down on West Coast drug trafficking, including a campaign to drive meth out of the city and back into the countryside where it belongs. A Globopol spokesperson said, “We tried attacking supply, we’ve tried attacking users on issues of health and illegality, but in places like Los Santos all that ever really works is if you attack people’s egos.”

Weazel News (Leslie Gardner): Just a training exercise, say IAA.

Eye witnesses believe they had just seen the crime of the century – an audacious raid on the IAA headquarters in downtown Los Santos, in which a man was snatched from an office by a suspet hanging from a helicopter before both escaped. Not so, according to the IAA. Agency spokeswoman, Lucinda Jacob told reporters the incident was merely a training exercise, and nothing to be concerned by. “We are constantly training and yesterday was no exception. An agent posing as a terror suspect was snatched in a practice raid to see how our systems and processes respond to extreme duress. Despite problems with our funding, people should be relieved to know our systems worked great. You’re in safe hands,” Jacob said.

Weazel News (John Rios): Benefit for Liberty City storm victims is a gas.

Last night at a benefit here in Liberty City, residents still without homes, electricity or gas forgot their worries for an evening as they enjoyed free food, drink, and plenty of tshirt giveaways. The monopolies in charge of the electric and gas grid across the greater Liberty City region said that they don’t think service will resume in the next month. “We are doing all we can,” said Tom Warner, a spokesperson for the electric company. “Sure we are a monopoly. Yes, we have no incentive to invest in the infrastructure. But tonight it’s about hugging these victims, photo ops, and making sure America knows that your electric, gas and oil companies are doing all they can.”

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): More weird events in Grand Senora Desert.

It’s the oldest story in the book – strange lonely person with an interest in hallucinogenic drugs claims they and they alone have been abducted by aliens to help them learn more about the human race by studying its weirdest members. Now that story has a twist – alien hunters, UFO-ologists and other eccentrics are convinced that a Grand Senora Desert hiker was not only abducted by aliens but that the flying saucer that he was taken to subsequently crashed – spraying debris over half the state. So far, nobody has actually found anything, of course but that hasn’t stopped people with nothing better to do from flocking to the area in the hope that they too can find someone from the far reaches of space to probe them. We will stay with this story right up to the point we lose the will to carry on with our banal existences as journalists.

By the Book

Los Santos Shepherd (Makayla Taylor): Azerbaijani Philanthropist Murdered at party in Chumash.

A beach front house party turned into tragedy yesterday when an Azerbaijani-American was killed, in what appeared to be a professional job by a long range sniper. Police are baffled by the case not merely because they are baffled by most things, but also because no motive is apparent. The man Tahir Javan an Azerbaijani-American in his late 40s moved to this country when he was 13 and grew rich in the green energy sector and has subsequently donated large sums to education initiatives here and in his former country. Who would offer a professional hit on him and why, or whether this was a professional hit or a psychotic prank gone dangerously wrong is still unclear. Tahir was a smoker, a bon vivant and a lover of life and all that was precious. “Why would anyone want to kill him? He didn’t have any enemies, just friends and friends he hadn’t made yet. We all loved him,” Said partygoer Rachel Withers who described herself as something big in greeting cards.

Prattle (Angel Bell): Chad and Shanice call it quis.

Pop music super producer Chad Mulligan, famed as much for his lavish lifestyle, luxury car collection and outlandish ego as his musical innovations is being divorced by his wife Shanice, in a move that will surprise no one. Allegations of cheating have dogged Chad after he was caught in flagrante in the studio with pop starlet Lacey Jonas last year. Shanice who married Chad in 2008 was said to be livid as she could not stand the starlet’s work. Chad’s career in recent years has fallen on hard times as he has become more well known for his lifestyle than his musical output. Many pop acts including the Brothers Blue, Samantha Muldoon and Softly Softly Catchy Monkey have worked with him but the hits haved dried up. Now with a messy divorce ahead, his lawyers will be worried. Chad owns a collection of rare cars, along with two boats, eight homes, some exotic pets, a troupe of performing dwarfs, a ski lodge, an art collection, a wine collection, a watch collection and a collection of collections.

Weazel News (Karl Kelly): Award-winning book on stock market makes one man millions.

Understand the American financial system is impossible to many. It appears to be a tight kit group of billionaires who control marionette politicians to relax regulations as they pillage the middle class. Many are asking – how do I get in on the action? Understanding the complexities of the American financial system is now easy thanks to a book recently released by brilliant financial journalist Karl Kelly called ‘Mounting Bulls and Riding Bears’. It has made millions for people, including the author. Some have slandered the book, most notably Cynthia Kelly, who won’t be getting a dime according to my lawyer.

Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Superclub to throb in East Los Santos.

Plans are underway to transform an abandoned warehouse in a nondescript area of East Los Santos into an EDM superclub. The project’s promoter, Vinewood agent Rocco Pelosi, told reporters that, “It’s gonna be the biggest party in town. Jacuzzis, chicks in cages, sparklers in the bottles. Every level’s gonna have its own theme. Class from the floor up, and open 24/7.”

The club is projected to open next year.

Paparazzo - The Meltdown

Prattle (Angel Bell): Poppy pops a few, gets behind wheel.

Wasted behind the wheel? Is Poppy Mitchell a young girl spiraling dangerously out of control? We certainly hope so. Police arrested her for drunk driving earlier after a high-speed chase through the busy streets of Los Santos. For a self-proclaimed teetotal virgin, Poppy sure has done a lot of screwing and drinking this week. First an “entirely innocent” sex tape at the Gentry Manor Hotel, now an alcohol-fueled rampage through Vinewood. All-American girl, turned All-American sly, turned All-American nutjob. Don’t worry, it’s a well-trodden path, Poppy, and we’ll hold your hand the whole way through it.

WNKA International (Faith Bailey): Another American icon purchased by the Chinese

Brian White has been drinking Logger all his life. He has one with breakfast, drives his wife to school where she is a teacher, and then heads out to the oil field where he was worked for 34 years. But when he found out that his beloved Logger was about to be owned by the Chinese, he cried “I don’t know what to do,” White blubbered.

Ming Ha Ling beverage of Shanghai recently purchased Logger for 4.2 billion dollars. The company promises to keep the spirit alive of the red-blooded American lager. It will be brewed in a province outside the country that most Americans are unable to name.

Hood Safari

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Another hiker goes missing in Hills.

Police in Blaine County are scratching their heads again. And not just because of the reduced IQs so prevalent up there. Another hiker has disappeared without a trace while walking in the Chiliad Mountain State Wilderness. Blaine County Sheriff’s office spokesman Elmore Thickett told reporters “we continue to confuse and not just because we are dumb but also because this would be baffling even to someone of average intelligence or above. Looks at the facts – there are no facts. There is no body. There is no evidence. There is no crime. Yet someone is missing and so we have to act concerned even though we’re not. No, don’t write that. That’s not what I meant.” Police promised to keep looking for the hiker whose name was not released in case anyone found them before they did.

LS24 (Annie Frost): The Hottest Restaurant in Los Santos dishes up a cool $10,000 salad.

Rich residents are always looking for the next culinary kick and many have found it. Celebrity chef Michael Lee Rune was previously known for making donuts with diamonds in them. He’s gone one better and introduced a $10,000 salad. Dismissing the protestors outside, Rune says he sympathizes and ignores hunger advocates who say he is encouraging spoiled cretins to feel better about themselves by wasting money that could be better spent on meaningful things. “This town is about celebrating the vain, the vapid, the vinaigrette, no?” Rune quipped.

Los Santos Shepherd (Donna DeSimons): MC Clip Clipped

MC Clip was killed yesterday after gangsters feeling a shootout in Davis overran a photoshoot and shot Clip dead before escaping on some Speedophiles. MC Clip, real name Curtis Cray turned his back to gangster life 3 years ago to embrace narcissistic consumption, and was about to release a new album when he was gunned down. Experts believe this will be a great career move, especially for a rapper with messianic delusions. Police are searching for 3 gang bangers on Speedophiles.

Hotel Assassination

Weazel News (John Rios): Redwood smokes up a legal storm.

The Redwood Cigarettes legal team is gearing up to go court again to oppose a class action lawsuit brought against them on behalf of thousands of emphysema sufferers. While lawsuits are nothing new to Redwood, having won or had thrown out 82 consecutive cases this year alone, many experts are predicting that this one will swing the other way and, if it does, the payout will be in the billions.

PLO (Andrea Anderson): Ed Exec goes stiff.

The Betta Pharmaceuticals share price is on the rise, following the news that Bret Lowrey, CEO of Bilkinton Research – the company behind the new erectile dysfunction wonder drug Priapol – has been murdered in Los Santos. Mr. Lowrey’s business practices had come under scrutiny in recent days following widespread reports of heart attacks from Priapol users and accusations that Bilkinton had paid off the FDA. The LSPD has said that a full investigation into his death will be underway within 24 hours.

The Merryweather Heist

The Senora Beacon (Bucy Joe Houston): FIB claims money laundering rife in small banks across the country

The FIB announced at a press conference yesterday that it had made major breakthroughs in countering money laundering, with several arrests in Vice City following a sting at a branch of Lombank that had been handling money for a drug dealer in the area. The Bureau did say, however that it believed there was an on-going problem with money laundering at smaller banks in rural areas, especially regions with known problems with drug trafficking. One of three regions singled out was Blaine County, where the bureau said it had suspicions about several overly-active local banks who had announced large profits in recent times, despite our region’s on-going economic woes. Roy Buckley, mayor of Paleto Bay, accused the Bureau of “typical big city thinking. The fact is our region has many problems but you can’t have it both ways – you call us inbred hicks who don’t like to wash ourselves and then say we wash money. Well which is it? Do we wash or not?”, then he put down the phone and said he was being taken for a ride in a helicopter by a local businessman in the import trade, before accepting a fully declared gift of a mansion.

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Woman scarred for life by lunatic cyclist.

Leslie Newberg started her morning off the way she normally does – some hot yoga, a vanilla latte, and a drive along the coast to work in her enormous SUV while listening to yacht rock. But yesterday her life was upended forever when she was involved in an accident caused by a rogue bicyclist. “He was riding on the street! Right in my lane! The road is far cars. I was honking and honking for him to pull off and let me pass. He wouldn’t, so I gently nudged him with my bumper but slipped and scratched my face on my mobile phone quite badly as I was talking to my best friend stacy.” Police are looking for the bicycle rider and asked residents to report any bicyclist on area roads.

Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Court rules in favor of aging actor.

Actor Gordon Henderson is celebrating today in the only way he knows how, by sitting outside his home and waiting for the Vinewood Star Tours bus to pull by so he can bow and wave to cheers. The Los Santos Superior Court has awarded damages to the actor and ordered the tour company to include his home in their tour route once again. Some argue that star tours are a meaningless and shameful celebration of fleeting fame and excess. Others say that tourists love a celebrity sighting, why are you ruining all the fun, and stop waffling on the issues.

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Containership sinks into LS harbour: Merryweather fumble their first play.

Explosions ran through the Port of South Los Santos last night and a container ship sunk into the harbour. This isn’t how Don Percival, CEO of Merryweather Security Consulting, wanted to celebrate his company finally getting clearance to work at the Port of Los Santos. Along with a high value courtier service, running a special security detail at the Port is one of the main contracts Merryweather have taken on since Congress gave them a domestic pass. Despite some witnesses claiming to hear gunfire, Percival insisted that the ship was sunk due to explosions in a malfunctioning gas tank. Anti-Merryweather activists point to a similar incident in the Sudan where Merryweather soldiers, drunk and full of steroids, accidentally engaged other Merryweather soldiers in a “combat situation”, then attempted to blame it on local insurgents. A full investigation into the incident has been launched.

Blitz Play

PLO (Michael MacKenzie): Environmentalist Frank Mathers dead in submarine accident.

TV producer and environmentalist Frank Mathers drowned in a submarine accident. Mr mathers, who was obsessed by under sea exploration, was testing a new submarine in the ocean near Paleto Bay when his submarine’s system malfunctioned causing the submarine first to sink and then break apart. His body has not yet been recovered. Mr Mathers claimed to have great affinity with the ocean. Mr Mathers was born in Liberty City in 1945, and moved to Vinewood to become a novelist. Instead, he found fame and fortune as a TV producer, producing hit shows such as “Angel and the Knight”, “My drunk uncles” and “Just the Five of us”, before turning his attention to Exploration. In 2009 he left his wife of 20 years with whom he had 5 children, for his assistant Abigail Winthrop. Mr Mathers was famed for his work ethic, his uncompromisingly low standards of entertainment and his refusal to consider anybody else’s feelings in any way, shape or form.

Los Santos Meteor (Frank Edwards): Could you be thrown out of your home?

Tim Sheperd loved quirky Vespucci Beach when he bought a home here. That is, until residents told him to leave. In a neighbourhood where homeless artists ply their wares, drug addicts sit in the middle of streets annoying people, and every patch of skin has some ink, the city council has decreed that residents must adapt to the new code. “We expect a certain type of resident to live here,” City Council President Betty Cummings said. “And Mr Sheperd, while being a nice man, doesn’t have any ink, piercings or distinguishing body art. He doesn’t even have an ironic lumberjack bear. We can’t lose the flavour of this city with the wrong kind of gentrification. He had to go.”

Weazel News (Leslie Gardner): Drone bases promise to make America safe

Fort Zancudo will soon have a shiny new drone base, and people are celebrating. The announcement promises to bring much needed jobs to the area. We also hope they will change the law to enable drones to help fight the menace of illegal aliens who are pouring over our borders like one of those medieval films where they CG a million orcs and trolls storming a castle. A few wingnuts have expressed concerns about civil liberties, however the military says that drones have had no collateral damage in overseas operations and they don’t expect anything to change just because they built a drone base on some freshly drained pristine coastal wetlands.

Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Terror on our shores and the meainstream media do nothing.

A Gruppe Sechs armoured car being used by the IAA to transport bonds was raided yesterday and the mainstream media refuses to call it what it is, a terror attack. The IAA do important work bolstering American imperialism around the globe, and any attack on them is an attack on the rich white US citizens who enjoy the cheap oil, food, and manufactured goods that ill-gotten global dominance can bring.

Caida Libre

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Another casualty in the phone war.

Sean Douglas died for our sins: The sins of a public hooked on smartphones. All he wanted was the new ifruit phone being released a few months from now. But he died in that heroic quest riddled with leprosy, sleeping out a store, getting rained on, eating out of cans, and peeing in jars. Many mocked him. But we are Sean Douglas. We are all in search of something better, something unobtainable. Something flashy and electronic that we toss in a drawer when it’s no longer the hot new thing. Welcome to Armageddon America.

LS24 (Annie Frost): Cosplayers get over excited!

A fight broke out yesterday on Vinewood boulevard between two cosplayers outside the legendary Oriental movie theatre. The costumed men, one dressed as liberal super hero, Impotent Rage, the other as The Commander, a character in long-running space show, ‘Republic Space Rangers’, apparently took their characters’ political affiliations too much to heart. And after calling each other names all day, and trading insults about immigration reform, payola and war mongering, suddenly The Commander took a swing at Impotent Rage and they began duking it out in front a crowd of spectators most of whom filmed events on smartphones rather than stopping or helping. The Police department has promised to crack down on make believe as a result. LSPD Spokesman Lee Whitless told us “people have to stop believing in fairies and start believing in real stuff, like weapons of mass destruction.”

Daily Rag (Reed Brazier): Private jet crashes in Senora Desert – dead include key witness.

A private jet bound for Liberty City has crashed in the Senora Desert killing everybody on board, in what police are calling extremely suspicious circumstances. The plane was carrying Javier Madrazo, a key witness in a case against a Los Santos based drug cartel, whose cousin Martin Madrazo, is alleged to be an organized crime kingpin.

Minor Turbulence

Daily Globe (unknown author): “Like never ending clowns coming out of a car” Fertility doc says of woman’s vagina.

The miracle of life has awed many over the years, and while ancient cultures put women who delivered twins to death for witchcraft, these days on shows like ‘Pumpin’ out Puppies’, the more babies the better. On the new reality show contestants are impregnated with dozens of eggs and the contestant who delivers the most babies wins. Contestant Gloria Barker is expected to deliver 21 babies on the season finale. She plans to go on public assistance.

Weazel News (Leslie Gardner): Labor dispute at Scab Rat factory.

Those unions are at it again! Lefty socialists workers called for strike action due to pay conditions at the factory that makes giant scab rats. Scab Rats are giant inflatable rats, usually depicted counting money and smoking cigars, that are used by unions to threaten both workers and employees and bore passersby outside places of employment that don’t use unionized labour. The Scab Rat factory in Dukes, Liberty City has been accused of employing undocumented workers and breaking promises about overtime, pensions and entitlements. No one was available for comment but we would like to say something very clever about irony to end this story.

PLO (Joyce Stewart): Military industrial complex acquires complex.

Merryweather might just have found an unlikely enemy in their domestic expansion plans: The US Army. The news that a cargo plane carrying Merryweather operatives and weapons was shot down by military jets certainly suggests that the two perhaps aren’t coexisting as harmoniously as the government would like us to believe. Our doubts about private sector security are being full realized.

The Paleto Score

The Senora Beacon (Amber Sue Andrews): Unknown title

If you don’t own a gun, go out and buy one. If you already own some guns, go out and buy some more. If your criminal record, age, or bill of mental health prevents you from purchasing a gun at a gun store, go to a fair or become an antique gun collector. Three criminals went into the Blaine County Savings Bank in Paleto Bay earlier today, and came out covered from head to toe in body armour with the contents of several safety deposit boxes in bags on their backs. Paleto Bay has some of the highest gun ownership per capita in the country, but there’s no one wishing that number wasn’t even higher today.

Talkin’ Balls (Patricia Lynn): Soccer madness is coming! Thanks to commercials

Soccer remains ignored and unloved in this country mainly due to long and tedious uninterrupted action, which doesn’t sit well with the American palate. The LS Benders have recently announced a deal with CNT to broadcast the games. Rules will be changed to allow commercial breaks every after every 1- 2 minutes of play. This is an exciting move for a game not enjoyed by the American public who can’t get enough of funny commercials.

PLO (Kate Ohajan): Hospitals punished for helping homeless.

The Southern Los Santos Hospital Group and Mount Zonah Hospital were recently charged after an investigation found that the two health care providers were recruiting homeless men and women and providing medical care, often involving costly tests, and charging it back to the government and taxpayers. We say shame on prosecutors for punishing these corporate heroes who are doing something for those that our society has cast off. It doesn’t matter how much health care costs – it should be free for everyone.


Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Train derails Merryweather profits.

The future of Merryweather’s high-value courier service, which was pitched to clients as guaranteed safe transportation of sensitive or precious cargo, lies in jeopardy today after one of their trains was derailed and robbed in Blaine County’s Raton Canyon. The identity of the hijackers is still unknown. It is the latest in a series of teething problems for Merryweather’s domestic operations but Don Percival assured us in a phone call that outsourcing security will still prove better for everyone in the long run.

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Anime stereotypes hot and exciting say manga fans.

She has eyes like saucers, enormous breasts, a silly laugh and colored hair. And when I dress up as her I become another person. Princess Robot Bubblegum may be a cartoon to some, but for those of us who cosplay – it is something entirely different. Cosplay is like Halloween, except all the time and really creepy. There is a backlash and threat to ban cosplay in public spaces following a number of recent incidents. But as a journalist and cosplay enthusiast, I encourage my fellow frustrated furries to rise up, don your plastic swords and arm canons, and do not let reality get in the way of your dreams.

Talkin’ Balls (John Jackson): Newest PED on the Block – Bull Shark TESTOSTERONE.

It’s long been rumored to be popular with the extreme fitness and bodybuilding crowd, now one fitness guru, life style coach, entrepreneur and wiseman, Brucie Kibbutz is marketing Bullshark testosterone to a wider audience. With testosterone supplants having recently moved out of the weights room and into the bathroom of many over 45s, Mr Kibbutz is determined to help people and cash in. He told “This extremely potent natural form of testosterone is a miracle cure for everything from lethargy and impotence to self doubt and empathy. I exercise up to 11 hours a day and I never get bored.”

Monkey Business

Daily Rag (Reed Brazier}: Rocky Danger sent to glue factory in sky.

Fans of his movies are outraged that Rocky Danger might not get a star on the Walk of Fame in Vinewood. The legendary horse starred in western movies like ‘Annie is a Walkin Funny Now’, ‘Two Boots for Betty’ and ‘Buckin Bronco Bitches’. Some of the biggest names in pornography performed with the horse, who starred in numerous western adult films before retiring to an abattoir.

Weazel News (John Rios): Break in at biolab – perfume formula stolen.

A violent break in at a biotech lab in the San Chianski Mountains ended in bloodshed, mayhem and the loss of a formula for cheap perfume. The meticulously planned raid appears to have been carried out by highly skilled professionals, as thieves swam into the facility using diving equipment to access an underwater drainage pipe. Several research scientists and security personnel were killed at the facility which has been attacked by animal welfare activists in the past. The facility was once believed to have been a testing center for chemical and biological weapons, but those rumors have been long dispelled and now the facility tests soaps, high tech face creams and cosmetics. Agents are baffled as to the scale of the raid, as the perfume formula stolen was not considered particularly valuable.

Weazel News (John Rios): Candidate Murry stoops to new low.

It’s not often that we interject our opinion into politics, but the recent actions and outbursts by a candidate for governor have forced our hand. Rich divorcee Sue Murry’s accusation that more qualified rival Jock Cranley should explain the deceased partygoer found in his hot tub after a recent even at his mansion, is tasteless and plays on tragedy. Cranley has repeatedly stated that his partying days are long since behind him and has been working tirelessly recruiting local dancers at strip clubs to give up the lifestyle and work in government.

Deep Inside

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Criminal Caper in movie studio heist.

In the most audacious piece of action drama to grace the Richards Majestic movie lot in a year, a car custom-modified for upcoming spy thriller ‘Deep Inside’ was stolen from under the nose of director Anton Beaudelaire during filming. Mr. Beaudelaire is in the middle of a two picture deal with the studio and is dividing time between ‘Deep Inside’ and ‘Meltdown’. The LSPD and Richards Majestic are yet to release an official statement but reports indicate injuries, and possible casualties, but these are still unconfirmed. The loss of the car, worth millions of dollars, comes as another blow to Solomon Richards who has already been forced to drastically slash the budget on both ‘Deep Inside’ and his financial crisis epic ‘Meltdown’.

Talkin’ Balls (John Jackson): Carl Wilkins doping scandal – disgrace of hero?

The revelation that baseball legend Carl Wilkins used performance enhancing drugs before meaningless sex shouldn’t come as a surprise. Many would like to pretend that there are no victims here –but we all are the victims. And in the end, when we see a man like Wilkins who can throw a ball real good, and we know he’s ready at any moment to pop a line drive or a turgid erection, we need that to all feel better ourselves. An impotent sports hero is no hero at all.

WNKA International (Gavin McTavern): Unknown title

The American stock markets went screaming into negative and positive territory in rapid succession yesterday, with many worrying the world’s largest economy is setting itself up for a doomsday scenario. The shaky American economy is causing a mass exodus of the country by many migrant workers and illegal immigrants. Raul Hernandez, a work on a farm in San Andreas said, “I called my family, I tell them, this place is full of violent rednecks, the economy is falling apart. Stay home. Don’t come to America. It is a lie.”

Eye in the Sky

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Ifruit fan disgusts local residents.

The phone wars were fought and won long ago and only losers wait in line for phones anymore, but Dukes resident Sean Douglas won’t hear any of that. “I love Ifruit. Why is everyone being so mean to a company that is an American success story?” Douglas asked.

The reason, many say, is that the company uses all kinds of loopholes to avoid paying tax, its products are mostly used by elitists, and they completely change charger ports on you, forcing the purchase of a bunch of new ones. Douglas says he will remain in line, despite what appears to be the first stages of leprosy.

StarsTalk (Jack Vinton): $3 million dollar car heist.

The messy breakdown of fading record producer Chad Mulligan’s marriage, which we’re proud to have played such an integral part in bringing about, got a little messier today when his rare Truffade Z-Type was carjacked in a Los Santos parking garage. Mulligan told reporters that he was lucky to survive the violent attack and that he will definitely be thinking twice about buying a 3,000,000 dollar car in the future. Was this a random robbery? Or was the assailant hired by Mulligan’s wife to requisition the assets that he’s trying to hide from the divorce settlement? I think we all know which is the more interesting story of the two, so that’s the one we’ll be reporting as fact over the coming weeks. Stay tuned.

Daily Rag (Reed Brazier): Funerals get flavor as bodies are put in action poses.

How do you want your funeral to be? Most people don’t think about such morbid things, assuming this party will last forever and that your body can take it. But local funeral director Frank Fernworthy has customers excited about to plan their arrangements with “adventure funerals”. Rather than lying in a casket, the deceased are facing eternity on a bass boat, motorcycle, indoor climbing wall, felching, yoga or indeed any other activity they enjoyed. Fernworthy says he even did a special arrangement for porn stars Heather Sparkles and Johnny Roger who died performing a sex scene while on large amounts of speed.

The Senora Beacon (Claudine Shorn): Unknown title

Four men and one woman died after a sex and drugs orgy in a condo in Paleto Bay seems to have gone badly wrong, thanks to a bad batch of heroin. Police, responding to neighbors reports of an unpleasant smell broke down the doors of the apartment to find 5 naked corpses, apparently engaged in a ‘sex game’ which unfortunately also involved injecting a dodgy smack. The one woman has been identified as Ashley Butler, 37, from Alderney. The four men have been identified as Lars Mitchell, 53, Tommy ‘the Gun’ Tamons, 59, Jude Melon, 58, and Eric Ainsworth, 85. All were local men with long histories of drug and legal problems.

Mr. Richards

LS24 (Jenny Henderson): Unknown title

Bored by the beaches and too tired to hike mountains out in Mount Chiliad? Why not stop by and enjoy some refreshments and spiritual enlightenment at the Epsilon Centre? You have a better chance of meeting a celebrity there than anywhere else and watch an informative infomercial about the meaning of life as well. Cris Formage and the Epsilon program offer pay as you pray plans that open you and your wallet up to a whole new experience.

Los Santos Meteor (Robin Wark): McIlroy says Meltdown will melt box office.

Dismissing reports of squabbles with legendary producer, Solomon Richards, Milton McIlroy told reporters yesterday that rumors of his unhappiness were “gross exaggerations”. ‘Meltdown’, which is set in Liberty City but being filmed on set in Los Santos, has been a source of limitless innuendo with both actor and director Anton Beaudelaire apparently miserable. McIlroy dismissed these stories yesterday – he told me via phone “look, making movies is hard. Otherwise any idiot could do it, and trust me, I’m not just any idiot. Of course, we’ve had squabbles – we’re all passionate prima donnas used to getting our own way, but trust me, this picture, it’s like a return to the golden age of vinewood – it just makes the financial crisis seem so interesting and understandable. People will love it.”

Bury the Hatchet

PLO (Joyce Stewart): Homeless fighting Hipsters in dumpster turf battle.

John Matros has been homeless for 18 years. He sleeps on the beach. He shits in his pants. He has been robbed of his belongings numerous times, often his entire shopping cart disappears while Matros tries to enjoy a leisurely heroin nod. But now he's battling more than the elements as the Freegans have taken over. Typically well-to-do hipsters, the Freegans leave their parents' rich homes and squat at local places, taking food from dumpsters that stores throw out and making fancy recipes. Matros says that they're taking food from the poor. The Freegans say they're recycling and not being wasteful. One man's trash is another man's cr-me br-l-e.

Daily Globe (Jeremy Sim): Police officer suspended after posting photos of murder victims on Lifeinvader as status update

Officer Darly Bint was suspended after posting crime scene photots on his Lifeinvader as status updates, which you would know if you just read the headline, but I'm paid per word so I have to fatten out my stories from time to time. Mr Bint worked in Liberty City and became a police officer because he was lonely, insecure and had a tiny penis. Probably. I just made that up. I did a journalism degree and now I'm writing news updates for a website. I wanted to write expos-s of injustice, not slice of life stories about cops. Who gives a fuck? Cops can suck my dick. In fact, they do, when I get drunk and act out. So, anyway, he's a cop, he took pictures of dead people, he put them online. And now he's going to prison, where he will be molested by angry dudes who hate cops. Oh the layers of irony, not sure where to start. I hate you, so I'm going to sexually assault you? I hate cops so I'm going to become one? I hate crime so here's a picture of it? I hate myself so I keep messing up and that's all there is to it.

Update - Jeremy Sim is no longer working for the Daily Globe. We apologize if any readers were offended by his story.

Ludendorff Weekly (Sandy Munsen): Gun fight at Cemetery

A grave was desecrated and several Chinese gangsters were left dead in a violent and bizarre incident in Ludendorff yesterday that has left police confused. In the worst violent crime to take place in the state since the famous depot robbery of nine years ago, a gangland shootout erupted at a cemetery, involving Chinese triads and an uncertain number of Caucasian gun men. The Chinese, who the FIB believe have links to the Wei Cheng Triad, a prominent criminal gang in China and Hong Kong, were not previously believed to have much presence in North Yankton although maybe they have come, enticed like everyone else, by our booming oil industry and glorious weather. No one is yet sure what caused the shootout but it seems as if someone dug up the grave of Michael Townley. Bizarrely Mr Townley was himself responsible for the robbery of nine years ago. The links between the two incidents are very unclear at present.

The Ballad of Rocco

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): You are drinking feces.

The recently published study that reveals what is actually in our drinking water should be of no surprise. Living in LS we are well aware that the water tastes like crap. The study commissioned by Flow Independent Research proves what we already know - that drinking bottle water is the cleanest, safest and most environmentally sound option without question.

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Talent agent murdered.

Vinewood agent and promoter Rocco Pelosi has been found dead. Police have not yet issues any official statement but the death is being treated as murder. Pelosi, who some thought had connections to organized crime in Liberty City and was known in Vinewood more for his physical clout than industry clout, had no shortage of enemies on either coast, and the list of possible suspects is expected to be long.

The Bureau Raid (Roof Entry)

WNKA International (Faith Bailey): Data thieves raid Bureau, Helicopter crash devastates building.

Unknown assailants who broke into the Federal Investigation Bureau's West Coast Headquarters were forced to fight their way out after their escape helicopter crashed into the building. This morning the FIB is dealing with the effects of the fire, and pertinent questions about about how the security system allowed such a breach. Following the incident celebrity Special Agent Steve Haines gave a press conference vowing to bring whoever was responsible to justice.

Talkin' Balls (Jerry Donaldson): Finally! Los Santos is getting a football team.

A cheer went up in sports bars across the city as it was announced that the Liberty City Wrath will be moving to Los Santos pending league approval and several mounds of paperwork and payola. Some taxpayers are whining that a city in debt shouldn't be giving billions in tax breaks to billionaires, but now is the precise time to do that. Having a football team will bring all kinds of much needed business and excitement back to our city. Ticket scalper, DUI lawyers and domestic violence councilors are all in for a bonanza.

Liberty Tree (Andrea Anderson): Begging goes cyber with Beseecher.

We normally look down on people who sponge money off us. Now, thanks to the Internet, you can panhandle all day long from the privacy of your masturbation den. Beseecher, the crowdsourcing website, is all the rage as young entrepreneurs, drunk on homemade beer or intoxicated with the fumes of their surfboard resin, think everyone else should give them money to start a business that will ultimately fall dead in the water. But out of dead dreams rise new journeys, like writing for a news site instead of becoming an award winning author like I deserve.

The Wrap Up

Daily Globe (Mike Dunn): Buff babes create confusion

Women are weak and men are strong according to the old adage. But these days it's often the other way around as women are weightlifting. Local resident Anthony King told reporters yesterday that the trend of female bodybuilders working out in Vespucci Beach is bringing strange feelings to the surface. He said they excite and revolt him with equal measure, as he thought his strange feelings for women with pronounced muscles had been buried for good in his teenage years.

Los Santos Meteor (Frank Edwards): Terror in Los Santos

Usually it's kept to the movies, but Los Santos erupted in real terror yesterday. Many agents were left dead as the IAA and the FIB fought valiantly to defeat an unknown enemy assailant in a bloody battle at the Kortz Center. Private security contractors from Merryweather were also thought to have engaged the enemy as the war on terror hit our streets. Shocked passersby watched agents as they battled bravely to stop the terrorists. Confusion reigned, and at certain moments it seemed as if the agents were fighting each other, but order was soon restored. FIB spokesman Gary Lane told reporters at the scene - "we will not sleep until we have identified the people responsible for this incident. Several agents fell in the line of duty, but luckily no innocent people were affected." Both IAA and FIB officials called for increased funding to fight the war that has now arrived in our city.

Reuniting the Family

StarsTalk (Jack Vinton): Lazlow - body mods not a midlife crisis.

Following the ridicule he has received recently, self appointed anodyne metrosexual TV host Lazlow held a press conference yesterday to tell anyone concerned (of which there were only two of us), that his recent body modifications were 'forced on him'. In a rambling testimony, Lazlow kept talking of dark forces at work and bad men who wanted him dead, and that somehow this was not a midlife crisis. Lazlow's agent told us afterwards via cellphone "he is a great guy but he's been under a lot of stress with the show not doing so well and he's always been something of a fantasist. Best not to take him too seriously."

Talkin' Balls (John Jackson): It takes a hero to admit whiskey dick.

Our jimmy hats go off to baseball legend Carl Wilkins for admitting he used performance enhancing drugs before casual exploitive sex with desperate lonely groupies. It is good to see sports heroes admit what we have known for a long time: That women's reproductive organs are too complicated and in most cases you lose your erection after half an hour when you start thinking about video games and pizza. It is heartwarming to see more athletes admit they need doping before sex.

Legal Trouble

Weazel News (John Rios): Terror at the airport - flights delayed - several believed dead.

Los Santos International airport is on lockdown after suspected terrorists fled police in a high-speed chase that ended in multiple casualties. As yet, neither the government nor the police have released a statement so we cannot say for sure that this was a foreign-led attack on American democracy, but it seems likely. We will bring you any official details as soon as we receive themm and, until then, will continue to report on speculation alone.

PLO (Joyce Stewart): Eyefind going for Money shot?

As if driving around in vans siphoning personal data from home wifi networks wasn't enough of an affront to basic human rights, search engine oligarch Eyefind has now set its sights on sending feminism back 30 years. Eyefind's 3D Street Maps will include upskirt images taken by cameras mounted throughout the city. They will be overlaid with commercials that the user must click through in order to access the lewd content. Are there any depths to which Eyefind won't sink? Is anything private? Is there anything they won't try to monetize?

Prattle (Henry Fernandez): Masturbating Monkeys clench win.

OMG!!!! America HEARTS those horny monkeys. Fame or Shame fans erupted with delight as Masturbating Monkeys won the never-ending finals. A last ditch effort by Tracey De Santa, who sand a song all girls can relate to, was no match for the wanking primates who will be going out on tour next month to delight and drench audiences nationwide.


Liberty Tree (Sean Brown): Crowdsourcing brings cheesy idea to reality.

Crowdsourcing has financed another idiotic idea on website Beseecher. Entrepeneur Scott Yuthers says he has enough money to start the businesses called Chesesus where he sculpts deities out of different cheeses and sells them to weddings and bar mitzvahs. He said that people enjoy eating statues of cheese, or at least he does.

LS24 (Luke Austin): Metdown review: Four Star Fun.

When the screen went dark and Meltdown began, I bathed in the rich images of Liberty City. The vibe was incredible. Then suddenly every movie clich- was unleashed upon the audience in rapid fire, as empty and soulless as the computer-generated backgrounds. A love interest started and didn't go anywhere. A voiceover appeared in weird places. Bizarre music choices were picked for the soundtrack. As the credits rolled, we were left with a warm fuzzy feeling about what happens when greed tries to win. It never wins. I loved this movie. It has flaws, but much like with my wife and her ever-sagging body, I will plod through the motions and get lost in the nuance.

Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): Dead sunbather on front lawn for days.

Neighbors are shocked at the passing of 82-year-old Ethel Winthrop who spent her days on a lawn chair sipping alcoholic drinks. A grandmother who was forbidden to visit her granchildren, she made happiness the only way she knew how - with gin and screaming at passing cars. She was dead on her lawn for days before someone noticed she might not be sleeping off a hangover. Services will be held this weekend. Her will requested an open viewing in her bikini. Her family will adhere to her wishes as long as they don't have to attend.

The Big Score (subtle approach)

Weazel News (Cynthia Kelly): Internet goes wild as Eyefind Street maps launch pics of inside your home

I have to admit it. I was skeptical at first. The leading search engine company is using sophisticated technology to take pictures of the inside of my house? What about my privacy? My doubts all washed away yesterday as the service went live. I virtually bopped around the homes of my friends having the time of my life. I had never been to my boss's house - but now I have and know he loves troll dolls. An ad popped up and I can buy him one for this birthday. My ex-husband has a messy kitchen. That made me happy. And going room by room in the homes of the Fame or Shame judges (Hello Anita jungle swing!) made my day. Lifeinvader may have the tagline Invasion Never Felt So Good, but it applies here too.

WNKA International (Faith Bailey): America no longer popular with illegal immigrants.

America is no longer the promised land. While immigration remains a massive political issue in the UK, as people harken back to a golden time, when we ran the world and seemed to know we were doing, in the US, thjings are even more confusing. A recent poll conducted by someone with a clipboard and far too much time on their hands produced remarkable results - in news that will please conservatives, many illegal immigrants say they are warning family back home to stay where they are - life is now so tough in America, there's absolutely no reason to risk death trying to get there.

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Massive Withdrawal from the Union Depository.

Thieves withdrew around two hundred million dollars' worth of gold bullion from the Union Depository earlier, making the price of gold skyrocket. Employees at the bank willingly handed over the gold to the criminals thinking they were an armored car crew. The gold was then transported to Mission Row were it was loaded into four cars. Events are unclear at this point, but it appears that a security team from Merryweather discovered the heist crew before any crime was reported. They engaged them in a fire fight but wwere unable to stop them escaping past Legion Square and into the city. The police were finally called, but it was too late to stop the criminals from getting away.

The Third Way

Daily Rag (Martina Bryans): A prominent Chinese gang Boss murdered.

Wei Cheng, a prominent Triad gang boss was murdered yesterday. His Triad had been weakened by a series of recent incidents, both in Los Santos and bizarrely up in Ludendorff, North Yankton. Mr. Cheng, a Chinese national, was believed to be prominent in a two-way drug and weapon trade between China and the US, smuggling materials in and out of the country via the Por of Los Santos.

Los Santos Meteor (Anna Foster): Steve Haines, FIB Agent and TV host murdered while shooting TV show about being FIB Agent.

Steve Haines, decorated FIB agent and host of the popular TV show "The Underbelly of Paradise" unwittingly helped expose that underbelly further yesterday as he was assassinated while filming a segment of his TV show on the Ferris Whale on Del Pierro Pier. Agent Haines, who had twice recently been injured in the line of duty, had been an agent for nearly 20 years and a TV host for five.

FIB spokesman Gary Lane told the Los Santos Meteor "Agent Haines died a hero, doing what he loved, which was presenting a TV show. He really helped combine the chaos of anti-terrorism and the mindlessness of network television into one highly successful career.
Mr. Haines, who was not married, lived with his mother.

Liberty Tree (Ian Garraway): Controversial investor gone.

Billionaire investor and life style guru Devin Weston has disappeared. Police suspect foul play, but no body has been recovered. Mr. Weston, 51, who rose to fame in the tech bubble and subsequently made more money in a host of other industries, including entertainment, the Internet, currency trading and luxury travel, recently caused controversy when he invested heavily in Merryweather, the notorious and discredited private security firm run by Don Percival. Police responded to sounds of gunfire at Mr. Weston's villas in the hills above Chumash, but despite signs of violence and several dead security guards, Mr. Weston himself was not found, dead or alive. Also missing was one of Mr. Weston's collection of luxury cars.

Los Santos Shepherd (Jerome Smith): Harold Joseph Killed.

A notorious member of the Chamberlain Gangster Families gang was killed yesterday, only months after he was released on parole. Harold OG Stretch was shot while playing basketball. No witnesses have come forward. Mr. Joseph was unmarried.

Weazel News (Rick Simpson): Not a merry day for Merryweather.

In a sad day for national security, private security company Merryweather has announced that it has shut down its domestic operations indefinitely following another high-profile incident, this time a shootout at a foundry in East Los Santos. Merryweather will switch focus back to its "bread and butter" security contracts in the Middle East where the enemies are less well-equipped, the glare of the media lens is less harsh, and preemptive strikes less likely to be taken out of context as "killing sprees".

The Multi Target Assassination

PLO (Kate Ohajan): Big Tobacco Kills Again?

A class action lawsuit against Redwood Cigarettes has been thrown into turmoil after the shocking news that four members of the jury ave been murdered in Los Santos, and the even more shocking news that, according to an anonymous tip-off, they'd all been paid large sums of money to throw the case in Redwood's favor. So what does this mean? We're still not sure whether to be angry or delighted at this news, but we're no strangers to confusion and conflicted emotions at PLO and, if the events of the past 24 hours result in a new jury and a fair trial, for now we're leaning towards the latter.

Daily Globe (Shelia Hitano): Disgusting scene as senior marries college senior.

Bob Killington married Tracy Hernandez Friday. It would normally be an exciting affair, except that he is 80 and she is 25. It is disgusting that successful men think they can scoop up a young woman at any age. I work out. I run on the treadmill. But rich elder men just aren't interested in an attractive 28 year old. To hear the misogynistic comments from Killington who is almost in his grave yet is able to pull girls much younger - it fills me with an insecurity that makes me want to start cutting again.

Killington - steel magnate Tracy: not very smart, Jock Cranley - 16 y/o daughter