A History of Liberty City

History Of Liberty City

A History of Liberty City is a documentary that is aired constantly in Grand Theft Auto IV which explains the history of Liberty City from the colonial age through the Civil War. Liberty City's history nearly parallel's New York City's history. The show is sponsored by the Bank of Liberty and Public Broadcasting Corporation.

Part One

Liberty City used to be a remote Dutch trading post called New Rotterdam (based on New Amsterdam). On September 4, 1609, Horatio Humbolt (based on Henry Hudson), an English explorer hired by the Dutch to find a new place to sell weed, steered his ship into the mouth of a river coincidentally named the Humbolt (based on the Hudson River) by the local natives (based on Humbolt's writings). The river was already polluted by the natives expelling waste into the river. This justified the genocide and larceny on the natives.

New Rotterdam was founded by the Dutch, who preached about liberal values but really cared about pimping women and getting high and were probably the first rappers. They wanted to find a place where they could party and kill people. Unlike other cities in the New World that were founded to promote religious intolerance, New Rotterdam was founded so Europeans can get rich off of other people's work. The natives were savages, wearing little clothes, but they were dealt with.

New Rotterdam quickly expanded its ego and learned to hate everyone else. It proclaimed itself the capital of the world. Advertisements were sent to Europe promising settlers a new life in a new city that has 24-hour convenience stores, roller coasters, and entertaining nightly hangings.

Europe wanted to come to see what freedom is really like. When they arrived they were aghast in America's new pastime. The city spread and chose an island in the bay which they called Algonquin.

In 1625 the first ships of slaves arrived to give the Americans, from the tyranny of Europe, to focus on the important things in life. The economy boomed. The slave craze was huge; people would wait in line for days to own their very own person. Some dissenters wondered about the moral consequences of the nation founded on genocide, slavery, and theft, but they were quickly imprisoned as unpatriotic.

That year all the local indigenous tribes were brought together and paid for the greatest real estate deal in the history of the world. 14,000 acres of real estate for some spare change, a porno magazine, and front row tickets for a game of cricket.

The Dutch had plentiful resources. They traded beaver skins, a 17th century version of wife swapping.

Part Two

The gateway to the New World was also a den of inequity. The campaign to clean up the city began almost as soon as the city was founded. In the spring of 1647, the East India Trading Company hired a general for New Rotterdam named Gloria Hole (based on Peter Stuyvesant) to return civility and productivity to the colony.

Within weeks Hole banned many activities. This wasn't well received. The city was burned to the ground. Within a few years New Rotterdam had become so diverse that the Dutch had become a minority in their own colony. Diversity was troubling to them, and with diversity came peril.

Taxes were reduced so everyone could afford their own firearm and a pattern for the country is now set in stone. Armed, ignorant, and scared xenophobes tried to protect their borders.

On August 27, 1664, armed British warships entered the harbor. The colonists signed a petition requesting to be ruled by the British. The English renamed the city to Liberty City. The British expanded while destroying and eradicating the native population.

Soon the colony expanded and areas were named after heavily inbred members of their Germanic royal families. Broker was named after Sir William Broker III, the king's bastard son. To the north was called Dukes, named after the word dukey, as the people there stunk. The peninsula to the north of that was named Bohan, after bohan, a Dutch word meaning Dutch word. The area across the river was dubbed Alderney, after Phillip Alderney, the only person who can tolerate living in an oily mosquito-filled swamp.

Soon the people of Liberty City began to fight with the British over taxes. Americans saw that they shouldn't have to pay any taxes. So began the American Revolution. This war was agitated by a number of musket companies who knew they would win whatever the outcome. The revolution was bloody. Soon the French joined the war to help the struggling American insurgency.