Weazel/Script

The following is a script of the television channel Weazel in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Republican Space Rangers

(Theme song)

Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh was that your home? SORRY!) Gotta complete the mission. And possibly deny extraordinary rendition. Spreading American values. Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two. Republican Space Rangers!

Announcer: When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS - they are Butch, Commander and Dick. When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!

(The episode begins with the Space Rangers conversing with Aliens on the planet Spheron)

Alien: Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet earth or your sponsor Piswasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.

Butch: Huh? What's he saying? Man, that's gibberish.

Dick: Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber jabber space dialect with long words.

Commander: Dialect smialect. I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys.

(The Space Rangers prepare their weapons)

Commander: Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.

Dick: And you look fruity like you got a wide stance, you know!

Alien: But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?

Butch: What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.

Dick: Hey! Habla ingles? Hola! Hey!

Commander: Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over.

Dick: You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die.

(The Space Rangers open fire on the aliens)

Commander: Make sure you get the children. They'll just turn into insurgents themselves.

(Some of the aliens run into an orphanage)

Dick: Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.

Commander: Seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot... innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat - they will suffer!

Dick: Shit!

Butch: Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.

(Butch prepares a nuclear bomb)

Commander: That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's.

(The Space Rangers board their spaceship and leave as the nuke detonates and destroys the planet)

Commander: Alright, another round boys. You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye... Mission accomplished! Hoorah!

Dick: Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. Whoa - I got a breach in the airlock.

(Dick farts)

Commander: Oh, goddamit!

Dick: That there was a report from Fort Ass - General Shit's on his way.

Commander: Goddammit soldier. You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits. Hey, what's that up ahead?

(A beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute...

Commander: You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven. Look at the screen.

Butch: I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map but fuck if I can pronounce the name.

Commander: No surprise there. But I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch. Fire it all.

Butch: With pleasure, sir.

(Butch fires off a weapon which destroys an unknown planet)

Commander: I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellas. Put a note in the log - encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.

Dick: Oh thank you, Commander. Hey listen, can we... can we shower together later?

Commander: Indubitably. But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat.

Butch: Ah man, you all know I ain't good at no volleyball.

Dick: Hush - don't ruin it. It's too tender.

(Another beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.

Dick: Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold.

Commander: Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?

(The spaceship enters another planet and the Space Rangers land to explore)

Commander: Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em. I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps.

Dick: Shit, they better learn how to pray in school.

Commander: Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick. Hey, here's one now.

(The three encounter a squid-like alien on the planet and aim their weapons at him)

Alien: The gods were right! You've come. Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.

Butch: What is he saying?

Dick: This sonofabitch doesn't even speak American.

Alien: Yes I do, I said welcome...

(One of the Rangers shoots one of the tentacles off of the alien)

Alien: Ow, you prick. You shot me in the tentacle. No problem; it will grow back. Listen - I forgive you brother - carrying around the burden of hate is worse me for than those I despise...

Butch: What on God's green Earth is he saying?

Dick: I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit.

Commander: I don't know. I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and...well...foreign, if you will.

Butch: I don't understand what anybody's saying. I just wanna shoot.

Commander: Enemy's out there, boys. The enemy's out there.

Dick: No - the enemy's inside.

Alien: Listen, guys, welcome - we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide - good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk...

Commander: You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women.

Dick: Ditto!

Butch: Yeah, I hate women.

Alien: Oh, sorry. We mean no offense... Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us - they enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.

(One of these aliens arrive)

Evil Alien: What are you saying, sharing scum?

Alien:I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.

Evil Alien: Of course we have - you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy.

Commander: I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?

Dick: Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?

Butch: Man, what's he saying?

Alien: My god, you are a fucking moron - listen, you two - please - these evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.

Evil Alien: You're weak. You deserve to suffer.

Commander: He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible.

Dick: Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.

Commander: Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys... and I do not believe in any manner of deviation, except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?

Alien: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Commander: Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers and kill 'em good.

Space Rangers: For democracy and liberty!

Commander: Hoorah!

Alien: But I can give you wisdom!

Evil Alien: And I can make you rich!

Commander: Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.

Aliens: No, no, no, no.

(Both Aliens run away from the Space Rangers)

Commander: Cook 'em!

(The squid-like alien is shot through the back of his mouth)

Commander: That'll teach that sonofabitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you.

(As Commander congratulates the two others, a stream of semen passes by him. The camera shifts to Dick who is pleasuring himself)

Commander: Oh, dammit Dick. I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space.

Dick: Sorry Commander but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers!

Butch: Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...

Commander: Godammit!

Announcer: When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS