Weazel/Script

The following is a script of the television channel Weazel in Grand Theft Auto IV.

The Men's Room

The show for men by men in The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy. Hello, is there anyone in there? Go away or I'll punch you in the frigging liver! Excuse me, the men's room is occupied. And now for your hosts, Bas Rutten and Jeremy St Ives. Hey! Word up man. Good see you. Good see you. Alright, hi everybody. My name is Bas Rutten. And I'm Jer— And welcome to The Men's Room. Yeah, where men can hang out and... OK, now tonight in the Men's Room we're going to get personal. On this show, we're going to be discussing a lot of aspects of health, especially how to endanger the health of others. Others. Not me. Others. Now, we've got relationship advice like how to avoid bruising the face, we're going to take some calls advising women on how to deal with their men...but that's pretty easy, right? I mean it's just a thing that you need to do. It's a kick to the groin. Right there! And when your body connects with the reproductive organs of another man, let me tell you buddy, it's pain and beauty. Also, we have a special and we call that special "The cubicle, the copier and stabbing a coworker in the eye with a little pencil." Like this. This is going to be an unbelievable show. And I'm going to be discussing rectal marital aids. Oh shut up. First off, I want to talk to you about a second to learn...see if I can teach you how to understand your anger. Now anger is the death of so many men. Heart problems, health problems, baldness, impotence, waking up in the middle of the night with your hands covered in blood and you have no idea what happened. Listen, I've been around. Anger - it's a four letter world and, boy, does that bring you down. Channel that anger into something positive. Like beating the shit out of little guys. No, Bas, no. That's not nice. Hey listen. We all hated to be ignored, right? Some people try yoga or putting neon under their car - whatever that does - but getting the point across in this life is easier than you think. POW, POW, POW. Just like that. Are you listening sir now? Are you listening? Do you see me now? I bet you he is going to see. You want to be manhandled? Boom, boom, boom. This usually works for me. What about you? Man you are really pent up. You know, you should try some aromatherapy. Hey listen. The only aroma that I like is the smell of burning flesh. You understand? Take the other day. I was walking...talking to a friend of mine on the phone. Long time ago. He was telling me how he lacked the respect and attention from the fellow school teachers in school. What do you do? If you don't get respect? Okay, so I told him, the way you get a man's attention is by doing the unexpected. BOOM. Just like that. You see, it works with him, works for you. You know, you walk down the street all nice, and looky look what do we have here? Oooo, it's a lamp post. Oooo, this is your head. BOOM BOOM BOOM. I smash the lamppost against it. You like that? Do you see me now? Huh? Do you see me now? OK, I think now in his teachers' lounge, trust me, those people there they know he's around. Nobody will ignore him any more. And if a woman walks by, the only thing you need to do is whip it out and say - what are we gonna do about this? I'm telling you, people cower under their desks when he's nearby. Man, it's much better. Yeah... charmed, I'm sure. Hey Bas, I think we need to take a commercial break. We'll be back in The Men's Room. Remember; don't tap your foot under the stall.

(Burger Shot commercial)

911, what is your emergency? Aaagh, I think my heart stopped!! The left side of my face has gone numb. Are you calling from Burger Shot? The Heart Stopper! The all new tower of a meal at Burger Shot. It's the 6lb burger you can't live without! The Heart Stopper. Seven patties. Six pounds of meat and cheese - you'll be flatlined in five seconds flat! Mmmm. This is a fucking good burger. Drive in - take out. Burger Shot! Die with a smile on your face.

(72 commercial)

Commercial: It's back. The groundbreaking formulaic cliffhanger, 72. Can Judd Parker save the world from terrorists by staying up for three days and torturing every person of color he can find? I hope so. The cliffhanger begins soon - only on Weazel.

And now... we're back in the place where your Mom's phone number is scrawled in the stall! The Men's Room with Bas and Jeremy! Ok, we're back from commercials. Man, that felt like forever. Who's on line three? Yeah hi, this is Mike from Cleveland. What's up, Mike? I tell you what, Bas. My boy Jeff, he is your number one fan. He's in the joint right now but he'll be out in a couple of years. Man, you really put a lot of great advice in your show. Thank you. Thank you. I mean, put yourself first or people will put you second. I mean, history has some great examples of that. Thanks Mike. And thanks Jeff. Now, a lot of people in the joint should learn from my advice. You are the boss or you are the bitch. That is the name of my next book. I don't believe in an eye for an eye. Oh no. Because Bas believes in an eye for two eyes, or better yet, an eye for two eyes, and an ear, and a spleen and maybe a new shirt because this one is covered in entrails. YEAH!!! Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience? Who wants to knife fight with me in the audience? Bas! Bas! BAS! Cowards! Bas - you sound REALLY constipated. You know, I had a colon cleansing. It was really fantastic. Man, I had so much fecal matter impacted inside me, it was such a drag. I tell you what Bas says will clean you right out - a nail gun. Bam bam bam, and then I grab a circular saw, and then I cut off your arm. Just like this. And I start hitting with the wet part of the arm. I'm on a construction motif right now. Okay, let's go to the phones. So, who's on line five? Hey man, my name is Jack. I'm a big fan of the show since you came back on the air. I have a question. Is cybersex cheating? Like, I've got a video camera up to my business and I'm in a chat room all lubed up. But that doesn't hurt anyone. But my wife - she's divorcing me! I tell you, I hate the Internets. It's for cats and pedophiles and it's for girly men who want to trick Bas. And let me tell you. It's not like real life. I love my-online-me.com. You know, you can really get in touch with yourself by building a little virtual character and building him a house and making him go to the bathroom and watching him sleep. You know what - I hate it. That's what I do. I walked up to the people in virtual reality and I can't break their legs. What good is virtual reality if you can't maim people? It's bullshit. You know what this is Jeremy? What? What's this? What's this? That's toilet paper. Absolutely right. You have to realize that everything around you is a weapon. Toilet paper. Spoons. A hacksaw. If you are in a lot of trouble, you have real ultimate power. Listen and you will learn. Now, let me tell you, I've been around. I was in a bar once and I said something to this drag queen and she kicked me in the nuts. Can you believe that? Now listen, I don't take shit from nobody, especially a man who dresses as a woman. So I grab her by the fucking hair. And I punch her head. Bang bang bang. OK, who's in charge now, huh? So, suddenly this guy comes out and he attacks me. I grab a beer bottle and POW break it on the table and stab it in his face. He's bleeding everywhere and down he goes. And he had glass in his eye. Drag Queen screams - oh, what's going on? I look at him in the eye I say - listen buddy, this day of misery has just begun. BAM BAM BAM. Right in their fucking face. And another guy comes to me with a pool cue - oh no, not enough weapons now. OK, see, listen. Are you going to do something with that? And I slit his throat - over and out. He was gurgling and then I licked his face and I start laughing HA HA and the bartender! It was unbelievable. Fuck you, bartender! And I walked outside and I get on a motorcycle and I get back to my house. Finally, when I was home, I took a long, warm bubble bath. Yeah... well...thanks for that. Well, we're straight out of time. See you next time in the Men's Room. The Men's Room, brought to you by... The Alcopatch, it's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink but delivered transdermally and discretely. Pick up the Alcopatch at your local pharmacy.

Split Sides (Ricky Gervais)

Get ready to put your family to sleep - Weazel presents a whole new season of Ether.

(VIP Luxury Ringtones commercial)

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Consumer: They've got that Dragonbrain ringtone./I've got the Science of Crime ringtone. Now everyone knows I'm as boring as the show.

Commercial: VIP Luxury Ringtones. Including extreme tones, like a person being beheaded. Or diamonds! An old bitch fallin and breakin her hip? Wow, that's dope! VIP luxury ringtones - only 100 bucks. Be an individual. Get a VIP luxury ringtone today./Visit VIP Luxury Ringtones.com

Announcer: Recorded live from Liberty City at the home of the six drink minimum. The famous Split Sides comedy club presents all the way from London, Europe, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Gervais: Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for coming. Been thinking a lot about war... recently. A lot of it about... a lot of bad stuff in the world. Someone's always at war. And I was thinking, "What's my favorite war?" Vietnam? Best soundtrack. Definitely. Second World War? Best ending. What a finale. You know it's over when... You can't follow that. That's the end. People are worried about that though, because... the atomic bomb. It ended a war, which is good. But the effects are still being felt, which is bad. And it was invented by Einstein. And he's a genius. In his, uh... 1907 paper, Einstein said... that light could be described as discreet bundles of energies. That when irradiated, a dof- what sort of cunt thinks like that... really? S'knowhatImean? That's what turned Stephen Hawking mental... too much thinking. I'm not a doctor, but I'm pretty sure. "The universe is expanding." Yeah, o' course it is, Stephen. Take a day off! Go for a walk, or s- not a walk, but.... Open a window. Watch a bit o' TV. Robot Wars is on. You like that, don't ya? People go, "Ah well you can't ever cut Steven Hawking. He's a genius." He's not a genius. He's pretentious. Born in England, and talks with an American accent. Cambodia. That was a good one. Pol Pot. He killed 100,000 people. And that was his threat. He rounded up 100,000 people... and he killed 'em. Because... they were what he called "intellectuals." And do you know how he told whether they're intellectual or not? It was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take 'em off when they see 'em coming! Know what I mean? Oh yeah, well Kierkegaard, oi here's comes Pol Pot. Alright? Yea. Not too bad, yea. Yea! Good. Yea! Aw, thank you Mr. Pot. Yea. No, I-I'm thick, as you can see. I'm-I'm thi - him, over there. Look. Go and kill him. Falklands War. That's probably my favorite. People say that was a conflict. It was a war. And it's my favorite, 'cause it was a range war. And what that means... is that...the Argentinean guns could fire 9 km... Whereas the British guns could fire 17 km.... So we just parked our boats about 10 km away, and theirs were falling into the water. While... we were shelling the shit out of them. It's the war equivalent of holding a midget at arm's length. Like that. And he's flailing... just missin'. And you'll just steadily kick him in the bollocks. Ow. Smack. Ow. Smack. People go, "Ooh, you must never go at midgets." Why not? What are they gonna do? You must never go at fundamentalist terrorists. They're the scary ones. Midgets? Do what you want. Thanks very much! Good night!

Announcer: Mr. Ricky Gervais!

(How the West Was Won commercial)

Announcer: Critics are raving about how the West was won on Weazel. Running Horses, Justified Genocide, Big Bosoms, & Shitfaced Shootouts are coming to Tuesdays on the next season of Spittoon. Don't miss it.

(Whiz Wireless commercial)

Woman: Honey, what are you doing sitting in your car in the driveway staring at your phone? Are your pants unbuckled?

Commercial: It's the Whiz Wireless video package. Watch all your favorite movies on your phone - on demand. At home, at work - while stuck in traffic. Adult titles too. You won't want to get out of your car.

Woman: Honey! The neighbors are calling the police.

Commercial: Whiz Wireless - Do the social vibe.

(Excelsior Extreme 9 commercial) Commercial: Technology!/It's what a man needs./Excelsior Extreme 9./The Excelsior Extreme 9./Nine blades of glory./Facial hair makes you look like a pervert or a hobo, or someone covering a scar he got tossing salad in the joint. Now take your shaving to the extreme. (Get closer.) It's a sports car, power lift, expensive watch, on a Mediterranean beach of a shave, at turbo quality levels. Technology has arrived at the razor's edge. Excelsior Extreme 9.

(TV show commercial)

Announcer: It's the show that may save your life - how to survive when there's a suitcase nuke on your train. Can you and your family afford to miss it?

Republican Space Rangers

(Theme song)

Republican Space Rangers! Intergalactic war on terror. But don't worry about collateral damage or errors. Cause we're nuking hate, we're spreading freedom and liberty. Sometimes we kill with undue glee (Oh was that your home? SORRY!) Gotta complete the mission. And possibly deny extraordinary rendition. Spreading American values. Sometimes you gotta bomb an orphanage or two. Republican Space Rangers!

Announcer: When strangers you've never met threaten your way of life, who do you call? REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS - they are Butch, Commander and Dick. When we last met the Rangers they were in a perilous situation on the planet Spheron, encountering strange beings while heroically protecting Earth from unknown dangers. The saga continues...

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers! Shoot first, ask questions never!

(The episode begins with the Space Rangers conversing with Aliens on the planet Spheron)

Alien: Space Rangers, we have never heard of your planet earth or your sponsor Piswasser, but we welcome you to our planet. We are agrarian and do not have much, but what we have you may share.

Butch: Huh? What's he saying? Man, that's gibberish.

Dick: Fucked if I know. He's speaking some kinda weird jibber jabber space dialect with long words.

Commander: Dialect smialect. I don't trust the sonofabitch. Besides, he looks queer to me. And if we don't fight them here, they'll follow us to America and pollute the blessed homeland. You know the drill, boys.

(The Space Rangers prepare their weapons)

Commander: Your strange religion and foreign ways threaten our freedoms.

Dick: And you look fruity like you got a wide stance, you know!

Alien: But this is my home, brothers, here it is you who is strange. Can't we all get along?

Butch: What's he saying, man? This alien sure speaks crap.

Dick: Hey! Habla ingles? Hola! Hey!

Commander: Listen up, shit-for-brains. The time for peaceful negotiations is over.

Dick: You heard the boss, asshead ho. You know what time it is, baby... It's time to die.

(The Space Rangers open fire on the aliens)

Commander: Make sure you get the children. They'll just turn into insurgents themselves.

(Some of the aliens run into an orphanage)

Dick: Hey, them youngins is running into that alien orphanage.

Commander: Seems to me we've uncovered a terror plot... innocent people back home will suffer. I repeat - they will suffer!

Dick: Shit!

Butch: Hey there, Commander. This here nuke is armed and on your go, baby.

(Butch prepares a nuclear bomb)

Commander: That's 10-4. Let's get on the ship and vaporize these SOB's.

(The Space Rangers board their spaceship and leave as the nuke detonates and destroys the planet)

Commander: Alright, another round boys. You deserve it. For you are heroes today. And I say with a tear in my eye... Mission accomplished! Hoorah!

Dick: Hoorah! Democracy is a gift to the universe. Those alien kids learned a valuable lesson today. Whoa - I got a breach in the airlock.

(Dick farts)

Commander: Oh, goddamit!

Dick: That there was a report from Fort Ass - General Shit's on his way.

Commander: Goddammit soldier. You're specifically prohibited from firing off airbiscuits. Hey, what's that up ahead?

(A beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Oh yeah. Er. It's... er...wait a minute...

Commander: You idiot! You're looking at the microwave oven. Look at the screen.

Butch: I'm sorry, Commander. I was cooking me up a quesadilla. Hey, this here registers as a strange planet on the Insurgiscan. Well, it's on the map but fuck if I can pronounce the name.

Commander: No surprise there. But I say we take no chances anyway. Let's give 'em 8 kinds of hell, Butch. Fire it all.

Butch: With pleasure, sir.

(Butch fires off a weapon which destroys an unknown planet)

Commander: I never get tired of seeing that. Well done, fellas. Put a note in the log - encountered terrorist threat, commenced to liquidize same enemy, freed mankind. And I'm recommending both of you sons of bitches for some more medals and shit.

Dick: Oh thank you, Commander. Hey listen, can we... can we shower together later?

Commander: Indubitably. But only after we play space volleyball and work up ourselves up a man-sized sweat.

Butch: Ah man, you all know I ain't good at no volleyball.

Dick: Hush - don't ruin it. It's too tender.

(Another beeping noise is heard)

Butch: Uh oh. I've got something on the Insurgiscan again.

Dick: Hey! Readings indicate minerals and gold.

Commander: Well, boys, lock and load. Let's have ourselves a looksie. What d'ya say?

(The spaceship enters another planet and the Space Rangers land to explore)

Commander: Remember if we meet any strangers, kill 'em. I bet these punks have no capacity whatsoever for peaceful coexistence, drive through liquor stores, guns shops or the democratic freedom to have their votes discarded in swamps.

Dick: Shit, they better learn how to pray in school.

Commander: Oh, give it a rest. They're fucking savages, Dick. Hey, here's one now.

(The three encounter a squid-like alien on the planet and aim their weapons at him)

Alien: The gods were right! You've come. Welcome to our peaceful land of plenty.

Butch: What is he saying?

Dick: This sonofabitch doesn't even speak American.

Alien: Yes I do, I said welcome...

(One of the Rangers shoots one of the tentacles off of the alien)

Alien: Ow, you prick. You shot me in the tentacle. No problem; it will grow back. Listen - I forgive you brother - carrying around the burden of hate is worse me for than those I despise...

Butch: What on God's green Earth is he saying?

Dick: I don't know. Sound like some tai-chi chwon fandango transvestite bullshit.

Commander: I don't know. I was thinking the exact same thing. See I recognize some of the words, but the sentiments seem simplistic and...well...foreign, if you will.

Butch: I don't understand what anybody's saying. I just wanna shoot.

Commander: Enemy's out there, boys. The enemy's out there.

Dick: No - the enemy's inside.

Alien: Listen, guys, welcome - we've arranged a welcome party, with a tequila slide - good times. We'll get started with massages from attractive she-aliens, then, after hand release, we'll talk...

Commander: You better stop trying to buy my men off with your women.

Dick: Ditto!

Butch: Yeah, I hate women.

Alien: Oh, sorry. We mean no offense... Listen, we really need your help. We are a loving, peaceful race. Last menstrual moon cycle, an evil race of aliens invaded and began imposing their will on us - they enslave many of my people, steal our natural resources with no-bid contracts while destroying our culture. Can you help? Oh no! Here comes one of them now.

(One of these aliens arrive)

Evil Alien: What are you saying, sharing scum?

Alien:I was explaining to these manly space rangers how you've enslaved my people.

Evil Alien: Of course we have - you've got resources we need, and besides which, we are evil and greedy.

Commander: I like this little guy. He's speaking a lot of sense, know what I mean?

Dick: Hey, you wanna go bass fishing?

Butch: Man, what's he saying?

Alien: My god, you are a fucking moron - listen, you two - please - these evil aliens are destroying our people and culture.

Evil Alien: You're weak. You deserve to suffer.

Commander: He's got leadership skills on him too. This little fella's incredible.

Dick: Hey, Commander, awaiting your orders.

Commander: Hell, our mission is clear as mud, boys... and I do not believe in any manner of deviation, except of course for that one night in college when we had one too many wine spritzers. Are you calling me a deviant boy?

Alien: No! No, no, no, no, no, no.

Commander: Therefore, we must travel through space, meet strangers and kill 'em good.

Space Rangers: For democracy and liberty!

Commander: Hoorah!

Alien: But I can give you wisdom!

Evil Alien: And I can make you rich!

Commander: Alright, I've heard enough of this shit. You know the drill, fellas.

Aliens: No, no, no, no.

(Both Aliens run away from the Space Rangers)

Commander: Cook 'em!

(The squid-like alien is shot through the back of his mouth)

Commander: That'll teach that sonofabitch what shock and awe means. You did a great job, boys. I'm proud of you.

(As Commander congratulates the two others, a stream of semen passes by him. The camera shifts to Dick who is pleasuring himself)

Commander: Oh, dammit Dick. I told you no bopping the baloney in outer space.

Dick: Sorry Commander but this soldier is unable to stop thinking about your warm hairy embrace.

Space Rangers: Republican Space Rangers!

Butch: Republican Rangers of Space. Oh shit. Er, wait...

Commander: Godammit!

Announcer: When primitives light years away threaten their way of life, the Republican Space Rangers will be there to make sure democracy wins again. REPUBLICAN SPACE RANGERS

(Michael Graves commercial)

Commercial: Meet John Hunter. As a state senator he voted to close down all schools in Liberty City and give the money saved directly to drug addicts. John Hunter wants to be your governor, but he hates our troops so much he wants them to cut and run and come home cowards. John Hunter has lost an erection more than once and disappointed his wife much in the same way he'll disappoint you. And he definitely has hairplugs and lifts. Call John Hunter. Tell him that combover's not fooling anyone you short assed bald bastard. It's just like your polices, thin on top, and short of ideas. Paid for by Michael Graves for governor.

(Vinewood Cunts commercial)

Commercial: He says, She says - he says shut up - the women of dazzletown show their true nature in Vinewood Cunts - only on Weazel.

(VIG Insurance commercial)

Commercial: You're late to see your therapist. You're in a hurry. You've had a couple of martinis at lunch. Then someone or something gets in the way. What do you do? Leave the scene? Head for the border? Not with VIG INSURANCE. Now you don't have to worry. Call one of our claim representatives immediately and we'll deal with the law and silence any victims before uncomfortable litigation can happen. We insure against drunk driving. Accidental gun discharge and narcotics violations. VIG Insurance. Because freedom equals piece of mind.

(Vacation Home Sluts commercial)

Announcer: Weazel Wednesdays heat up next season with Vacation Home Sluts. Don't miss it. On Weazel.

(Terror marathon commercial)

Announcer: All next week - it's patriotism at its finest as Weazel revisits history with the non-stop Terror marathon. Back to back documdramas blaming liberals for everything. Only on Weazel.

Venturas Poker Challenge

Malcolm: Last week we brought you the greatest victory in the history of televised card gambling mayhem. Five men, looking with disgust at each other as their women look on in envy from the sidelines.

Burger: It's like a sixth grade circle jerk Malcolm.

Malcolm: Hey, that's right, and with that welcome back to the Venturas Poker challenge in association with Cerveza BARRACHO, because when you've got a full house, ES PLAYTIME! and E COLA because gambling is DELICIOUSLY INFECTIOUS. I'm Malcolm Fitzherbert.

Burger: And I'm Troy Burger.

Malcolm: Troy, this is the biggest payday in sports, next to convincing a city to give you a stadium and land tax free.

Burger: Or when your city gets the Olympics.

Malcolm: That's right. I mean seriously, what can you say about what we've seen so far?

Burger: Well, Malcolm, it's been a real...what I'm...I'm just at a loss for words. I mean seriously. It is just a tough time describing this and you know I am paid to avoid uncomfortable silences.

Malcolm: Well, it's been truly remarkable. This is entertainment at its finest. This is sport at its best, this is human drama at its most humane and dramatic. Cocksure Chris Cummings is going home a millionaire. And you know how he did it? By day after day risking his future - betting on a whim - putting everything he owned on the line for a lie. If that's not a metaphor for life, I don't know what is. Chris moved here from San Fierro, says he likes moving to a desert where the faceless suburbs stretch on for a hundred miles, you can get a Mcmansion cheap, and there won't be any water left in five years.

Burger: Well, you said it, Malcolm. OK, just minutes ago, Cocksure Chris Cummings pulled a bluff on aces high fruit loop and sent the whole place insane.

Malcolm: Lunacy! Five people died. Bet it all, don't play it safe and go home a winner.

Burger: Wow, the pokerdome rules. Guys covered with logos, wearing sunglasses indoors. I mean, these athletes are incredible. They're here for one thing - to win a shiny bracelet that says they're number one. Call it honky bling, but every man wants it. You know, every time I see Steve Buffet Car Jabowitz play I am amazed at the agility of the man, I am terrified of the wisdom and I am fascinated by the bubbling undercurrent of sexuality.

Malcolm: What? Can you take your hand off my leg?

Burger: What I guess I'm saying is that when that man rides the river, that river knows it's been ridden.

Malcolm: The Venturas Poker Challenge! ~Hey, wait, wait, wait. He's thinking...what's Jabowitz going to do... what's in store for the buffet car...?

Burger: I am not sure. Er, you think he's got pocket rockets? Cause, you know, pocket rockets take out a pair of whores.

Malcolm: They sure do Troy. Man I'm so excited I could pee. Now keep quiet.

Burger: Oh, sorry...

Malcolm: Wait, wait... Cummings is looking at his cards. This is a HUGE moment.

Burger: Unbelievably big. That man is all about the flop.

Malcolm: Aaah, fantastic... I cannot believe that! He's folded. Take a look at that, ladies and gentlemen. You just saw history here tonight. Absolutely incredible.

Burger: The crowds are going ballistic here in the desert.

Malcolm: That's what it is all about. That, and smoking and drinking yourself into an early grave. Hey, let's take a quick break. This break is brought to you by Sprunk, because commercials are the essence of life and CHERENKOV because commercials warm you to the core.

(John Hunter commercial)

Announcer: Uh oh, here comes Michael Graves with more of his negative attack ads. But let's stick to the facts and move past these pathetic politics of division and swift boating. Fact: Michael Graves spent taxpayer money on a vacation home in the Philippines where young boys speak in lisps and don't wear pants. Michael Graves says he supports family values, but his wife is a harlot and has aborted 5 children. Maybe Michael Graves has forgotten the tragic events a few years ago, but we haven't. He wants to end the War on Terror and make America and your children vulnerable to terrorists much like those little boys are vulnerable to him. You have a choice come election day. Choose Freedom for your state. Vote John Hunter for Governor. The future depends on you making the right decision.

(Crow commercial)

Commercial: A special night - A special man. Coming in three weeks - it's the Crow reunion in Iran.

Malcolm: Whooagh, this is more exciting than chatting to a teen girl online.

Burger: I'm completely engorged.

Malcolm: Welcome back to the Venturas Poker Challenge... while you were away, you missed something ridiculous.

Burger: The poker gods were smiling on DANGEROUS DERRICK THORNTON just now. He took the sport in a whole new direction.

Malcolm: That's right. Earlier we spoke with Derrick and he said his typical day he wakes up around 3pm, plays poker online for a few hours, goes to the bar with friends, comes home assfaced and does the whole thing again the next day. He's never read a book. Seeing that, people from around the country have flocked here to come and train for this sport. You know Troy, what we're doing here is illegal in most states of the union, but what happens is Las Venturas stays in Las Venturas, except when you're donating blood or semen to fuel a poker addiction. But before we forget, this section of the show is presented in association with RELEASE GUM, because you chew, you suck, then pow, life has shot a load in your mouth, and PILL PHARM because when the cards go against you it's time to swallow, and it's good for you.

Burger: I don't know about you Malcolm, but I am just amazed at the endurance of these serious athletes. We've been playing for hours now, and no sign of fatigue.

Malcolm: That's absolutely right, Troy. Twenty-one year old Butch Roberts, former manager of Rusty Browns Ring Donuts, may now win a bracelet here tonight and be able to buy himself a whole chain of donut shops to be run by foreigners because we're too lazy.

Burger: Exactly. It's the fitness level of our biggest stars that make poker the incredible sport it has become. Example, Jennifer "Trashcan" Zelinski, she's been sitting there for hours now and no sign of tiredness. A cosmetics clerk from Nebraska, she's barren and instead has adopted eight children from Venezuela. All of whom are here tonight except for her adopted son Jimmy who is gay.

Malcolm: Well, she's one tough lady. I bet her pants smell like daisies.

Burger: And how.

Malcolm: Wait, she's gonna put it all in just like she's seen a pair of cowboys to ride. I tell you, that last round she won it like a handful of doggie balls.

Burger: She sure did. Those eights'll kill ya. Terry Kim, the Destroyer, he has not budged. Fit as a fiddle, the guy smokes three packs of Redwoods, drinks a cocktail every five minutes but still he keeps on coming relentless.

Malcolm: I mean, that kind of luck is what a serious training program can do to you.

Burger: Oh yeah. Well, I'll tell you one thing - they are not men; they are not women. No - they are gods!

Malcolm: His wife and mistress both looking on from the sidelines. Wait...oh...my god...

Burger: Oh mercy! Remember the date. Remember the time. Remember where you were sitting when you saw THIS!

Malcolm: And for those new to our sport, where have you been?

Burger: It is all on this next three cards. Or the one after.

Malcolm: Or the one after that.

Burger: Yes, it's ridiculous! We've had it all here tonight. Quite, quite amazing.

Malcolm: It's a three! It's a three! It's a three!

Burger: Amazing... that doesn't help anyone.

Malcolm: Next card is coming up...this tension is killing me.

Burger: Me too.

Malcolm: Man, watching other people play cards is so exciting. Terry Kim has such a poker face. The pros at this sport measure themselves as to how many chips they have right now. It's like a whorehouse, you can be dealt something that you carry with you all your life.

Burger: After seeing this, I don't need to live anyway because I have seen it ALL tonight. You know, I have a small pair, but I talk a good game. Ooogh, here comes the Turn.

Malcolm: It's, it's, it's... oh, my god. It's the nine of clubs. You know, he could have gotten an ace or a queen.

Burger: Oh yeah. He sure could have. Or even a seven or a two.

Malcolm: True, True, but the devil wears 9s tonight. It's nine steps to Heaven for Phil Deadman Davidson. If he gets the next card.

Burger: That's right. It's all in the river! Oh, this is what we live for! Wow, luck has really shined on Cocksure Chris Cummings. The rest of these guys should really think about killing themselves. Because when you lose at poker on TV, life is the pits. Here it comes, here it comes, oh my god!!!

Malcolm: That's all we have time for, here in Venturas. This has been a Jeremiah TV production in association with SHARK CREDIT CARDS because this show has been extortionate value and Lovemeet.com because we've made you whole again. For all of us at the Venturas Poker Challenge - bet it all, don't play it safe, and go home a winner.

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Announcer: ...'80s sitcom star and a passenger are paralyzed in what police say is part of a reality show. We're live on the scene... You just can't help getting sucked in on the way down. The #1 rated reality show is coming back for another season. Waning with the Stars - the show where we follow formerly big celebrities on their way down. See ordinary contestants paired with deathwish drug addled celebrities to see who hits the skids first and how far they slide. Remember Cherice McCormic? She was on the most popular sitcom of the '80s. Now she's on a serious bender reduced to shooting skinflicks for crack. And you'll see contestants try to keep up as they freebase, get into high speed chases and surf internet porn with '80s professional wrestler The Grinder. Five contestants - one fading dream - a ton of alcohol and drug abuse. Enjoy watching once smug celebrities who have hit rock bottom stay there. Waning with the Stars - A new season coming soon on Weazel.