|Target||Magazine copies, thief|
|Location||Hepburn Heights, Portland, Liberty City|
|Unlocked by||Trial By Fire|
Upon answering the ringing payphone in Hepburn Heights, Claude is informed by El Burro that a Rumpo van containing a shipment of the latest copies of Donkey Does Dallas magazines has been stolen by a SPANKED-up thief, leaving behind a trail of the magazines all over Portland as the van's rear doors were left open. Claude is asked to collect the magazines while tracing the thief's whereabouts and killing him, before delivering the magazines to a porn store in the Red Light District.
The player is directed to drive a second Rumpo not far from the payphone, which immediately activates a checkpoint driving sequence with a time limit. The player starts with 25 seconds left, and must prevent the timer from running out by collecting as many magazine pickups (each worth a 1-second time extension) that leads all over Portland. The trail eventually leads to Portland Docks, where the thief will be found standing behind the stolen van. The player must then kill the thief by any means, before delivering the van the player has been driving (and the collected magazines) to the marked destination behind XXXMags. The mission is completed upon successful delivery of the van, with the player treated with a cutscene of customers lining up for the magazines in front of the shop.
- The timer stops as soon as the player obtains the last magazine before the thief's position or kills the thief before the last magazine is picked up.
- Seasoned players will be able to skip about half of the checkpoint dash by taking a shortcut from Saint Mark's directly to Portland Docks via a Portland View road that connects the two districts (behind the local police station and hospital). This is provided the player has a minimum of about 15 to 20 second left in the timer that will be necessary to make the run through the shortcut without the aid of a single checkpoint before the player can continue obtaining time extensions at the Docks.
- If the player has completed "Sayonara Salvatore", Mafia pedestrians will wield Uzis rather than shotgunss in this mission, easing the difficulty.
- The mission name may be a reference to a veiny penis.
- As the player begins picking up the magazines, police chatter can be heard mentioning "donkey porn" littered all over Portland.
- The cutscene sequence uses a unique pedestrian model to represent shady men obtaining new copies of El Burro's pornographic magazine.
The reward for completion of the mission is $20,000 and the unlocking of the "Turismo" race, El Burro's first mission. The Portland safehouse will also be seen with stacks of pornographic magazines thereafter.