Blog This!.../Script

The following is a script of the mission Blog This!... in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Troy: Hey Luis, what's up, man?

Luis: Hey, what's up, Troy? Tony inside?

Troy: No, he's not here yet. Ah, did you talk to him?

Luis: Who?

Troy: Tony. About me.

Luis: What about you?

Troy: About me working here, man. I can't do it no more. I ain't queer and it's doing my head in.

Luis: Bro, you work for a guy whose nickname since 1985 is Gay Tony. Why do you give a fuck?

Troy: Because I want to be married, man. You know? I want to have a nice life. I want a picket fence in Alderney, I want to raise kids, play ball. You know, and look at me.

Luis: Bro, I don't know what to tell you, man. Dessie is the man at Maisonette, okay? This is the job we got for you. If you don't like it, fuck off, I guess. If you do, shut the fuck up and stop being a moron.

Troy: Don't be like that man. You know me. I'm an artist. I've got songs in me. Maybe if Tony could hear me sing, I'd be okay here.

(A clubgoer talking on the phone walks out)

Clubgoer: Helloooo? Yeah thanks, yeah it's me. Who is this?

Luis: You're the fucking doorman, bro, not the cabaret. What is wrong with you?

Troy: You're real tense, man, and you used to be cool.

Tony: Hey Troy... Hey, how's business? Luis, come on, let's go.

Troy: Pretty quiet.

Tony: Oh, fantastic. What is wrong with you people? Don't you know a good time when you see one? Jesus, when ever the queens don't want to get wrecked, you know this city has turned into a fucking suburb! Alright! Luis, get in the car. Gracie, sweetheart, in the back.

Troy: Tony, can I have a word?

Tony: No! No. Let's go.

Dialogue

Tony: Take us out to Gracie's place in Alderney, will you? It's on Babbage Drive.

or:

Tony: Can you take us out to Gracie's house? It's on Babbage Drive.

Gracie: Luis! Hey babe. How are you?

Luis: Hey to. Hey Gracie. What's up?

Gracie: Tone, what the fuck is it with Luis? I mean, he'll try to bang anything with a pussy, but it's Mr. Limpdick when I'm around.

Tony: I don't know. Maybe it's your charming turn of phrase, or your demure, almost nun-like manner. What is up with that, Luis?

Luis: Sorry Gracie, you ain't my type, so can you let me be a "limpdick" in peace?

Gracie: Having a pussy is your type, Lou. Tell me what's wrong with me?

Luis: There ain't nothing wrong with you... if you like really loud guidettes.

Gracie: Luis! Fuck you.

Luis: Hey look, I stopped dealing with mobster brats after Dani Lupisella tried to get her daddy to cut my balls off. Call me an asshole, but that was it for me.

Tony: I know where you're coming from. The shit I got into after my night of indiscretion with Roy Zito. Whoa! Trying to claim I spiked his drink.

Gracie: Roy Z's a homo?

Tony: He ain't a very good one.

Gracie: I never woulda guessed it.

Luis: Yeah, well, they don't wear a label on their head.

Gracie: Oh! Look at this bitch behind the wheel! Tony, your extreme queeniness is starting to rub off on the employees.

Luis: Look, cono, Tone, what are we doing out at Gracie's house?

Tony: We're paying a visit.

Luis: Shit, don't we got other problems right now? Come on!

Tony: Now that you mention it, there is another issue - that fucking nebbish, the Celebinator.

Gracie: Oh my god! I just love that guy's blog.

Tony: Well that guy's blog don't love us.

Luis: What happened?

Tony: He's talking shit like it's going out of fashion.

Luis: So what? He thinks he's the only guy with a mouth on the fucking internet?

Tony: This is something we don't need right now. Ughh, if no one comes to our summer party in the Carraways...

Luis: Chill out, bro. First of all, the summer's a long way off. And second, we shouldn't be having no party in the Carraways with our financial situation.

Tony: This guy could sink us!

Gracie: Listen to him, Lou. The Celebinator is real influential.

Luis: Relax, bro. We'll send him a basket. It'll be cool.

Tony: It's fucking blackmail with these guys. He got left off a list somewhere so it's our livelihoods at stake!

Luis: Yo. Alright. I'll check him out. What's his site?

Tony: I'll send you a link. Will you drop us off and go do it now?

Gracie: But that means Luis won't be able to see the inside of my place.

Luis: Oh well in that case, I'll definitely do it now.

Gracie: Shit, Lou, another time.

Luis: Oh yeah sure, babe. Some other time.

Tony: Thanks, Luis. Call me when you've emailed that dreadful blogger.

Gracie: See you, Lou.

(If Luis lingers)

Tony: This is your house, Gracie? And that is your car? oh my god, you need to move to the City.

Gracie: What's wrong with the car. I'm trying to sell it anyways. Fucking cops took my license and I was not DUI!

Tony: Umm... Luis... aren't you meant to be going to an internet cafe or something? Come on.

Tony: If I didn't know better, I'd think you were cracking onto Gracie here. Go check the website.

Tony: What are you waiting for, L? Go check that site.

Alternate dialogue

Gracie: Hey Lou.

Luis: Hey Gracie. You mind calling me Luis? That's my name, okay?

Gracie: But Tony calls you Lou...

Luis: Yeah, Tony's Tony. He's the boss. He gets special privileges. And since I ain't flipping pizzas in an Alderney strip mall, for you, Luis suits me better.

Tony: You gotta have respect for that kind of logic, Gracie.

Gracie: He sounds like a fucking faggot to me.

Tony: This prize stud ain't no faggot, believe me.

Gracie: Yeah, I know. I heard the stories. How come you never made a play on me?

Luis: Sorry, babe, I got this Alderney rule. I don't mess with any woman from your side of the West River.

Tony: He got that one from me.

Gracie: Well, I ain't gonna be living in Alderney forever.

Tony: When are you moving, Gracie? It's social suicide over there.

Gracie: Tell me about it. Living in the Luis Lopez no fuck zone means I ain't got one thing in common with most of the skanks in the city.

Luis: Come on, baby. No need to be rude.

Tony: Ignore her, Lou. She's bitter like that lonely old queen, the Celebinator.

Luis: The who?

Gracie: The Celebinator! Oh my God! I love that site! Did you read about Clay Jackson? I could not believe it!

Tony: No comment.

Luis: What about this Celebinator, Tone?

Tony: He's got a hard-on for us and it ain't gonna go away. He'll bring heat and that'll mean license trouble.

Luis: Hard-ons are your department, T. If he likes you, then maybe you gotta take one for the team. "Positive PR", ain't that what you're always saying?

Tony: With all the shit we're dealing with at the moment, the last thing we need to be doing is further enhancing this egomaniac piece of shit's opinion of himself. But he's on a rampage. He's outing our patrons, he's trashing us, he's a complete cunt. Can you send him an email? Use that famous charm of yours?

Luis: Yeah okay, bro, I'll get on that shit right now. "Dear Complete Cunt, it has come to my attention that..."

Tony: Exactly! That's the charm the women love.

Gracie: Does that mean you're not coming to my house?

Luis: I'll drop you guys off, but then I got to handle this. Tony's orders.

Tony: What would I do without him, huh?

Gracie: Awww.

Post mission phone call

Tony: Luis, how'd you like his site?

Luis: Yeah, I can't believe people read that shit. No wonder we didn't let that bucktooth bastard in.

Tony: But you schmoozed him, didn't you?

Luis: I was my most charming digital self. Like on of them internet vigilantes pretending to be twelve.

Tony: Thanks, L. Let's see where it goes.

or:

Tony': Luis, how did you like his site?

Luis: Who the fuck does that guy think he is?

Tony: What?

Luis: You seen the picture of you and me that motherfucker put up there? Yo, that asshole's got to be taken care of.

Tony: You're meant to be the rational one here, Luis. Look, I'll see what I can do about it. I'll be in touch.

Failing the mission

Tony dies

Gracie: Oh my god! I cannot believe that just happened.

Luis: Me neither, babe. I got to handle some shit. You gonna be okay?

Gracie: I could do with some comforting so gimme a call soon. Promise, okay.

Gracie dies

Tony: Shit! Do you know who's daughter that was? Burn the body. Pull the teeth. Fucking dental records!

Luis: T, chill out. It was an accident. We'll explain it and everything'll be cool. I'll call you soon.

Gracie's car destroyed

Gracie: Shit, Lou, what the fuck is wrong with you? I was trying to sell that car.

Luis: Oh I'm sorry, babe, maybe you should scrap it. Do yourself and the world a favor.

Tony's car destroyed

Tony: Nice driving, Luis.

Luis: Hey, I didn't have to drive you. I was doing you a favor so chill the fuck out. Shit, I'm a business partner not a chauffeur, you asshole.

Gracie: What's got into him?

Abandoning Tony and Gracie

Luis: Yo, T, you know I can't stand that girl. Come on.

Tony: One little drive with her, is that too much too ask? You think I like going to Alderney? Even us kids from Dukes look down on fucking Alderney. If I had my way, I'd blow that tunnel up myself.

Luis: I guess not, T. I'm sorry. I'll come see you soon.