CNT/Script

The following is a script of the television channel CNT in Grand Theft Auto IV.

A History of Liberty City

Announcer: Why take smoggy, smelly germ filled bus tours? That's no way to see the world. With Higgins helicopter tours, you'll experience the real liberty city in ways you never thought possible. Enjoy our fun filled and relaxing bridge tour. But our tours aren't just above ground - enjoy the manmade beauty of one of Liberty City's incredible underground road tunnels. See star junction the way the celebrities do. - high as a kite and wobbling all over the place. All of our pilots are tested thoroughly for drinking and drug abuse - but everyone likes to let their hair down once in a while. Higgins helicopter tours. A fun, safe adventure in the sky that you and your family will never forget.

(Commercial ends)

Announcer: Remember this?

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Announcer: It's back, this season on CNT

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Announcer: America's next top hooker returns. Remember the drama

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Announcer: Remember the joy.

Commercial: I won the streetwalking section!

Announcer: Can reality TV ever get any better?

Commercial: One of you hookers is gonna be a winner.

Announcer: America's Next Top Hooker. It's time to put women back where they belong.

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(Commercial ends)

Announcer: This is CNT. CNT has all your favorite movies - Wednesday at 10/9 eastern, it's the smash hit movie Bad Girls, Carwash fundraiser, message of hope. May not be suitable for all viewers. This is CNT.

(A History of Liberty begins)

Announcer: Tonight, a major TV event. Part one of the story of a remote Dutch trading post that would become the armpit of the world. It captured our imagination, and held our dreams close to it's breasts, gently drowning us in a milky discharge. It is the site of some of mankind's most grandiose achievements and also our societies most squalid and depraved debaucheries. A history of liberty. Major support for this documentary is brought to you by the Bank of Liberty and the Public Broadcasting corporation - where our budget is cut every year to pay for more bombs. If you take a look at the microcosm that is Liberty City, millions of people, a collective consciousness but utterly alone in a crowd - a million souls crying out to be heard, piled on top of each other like kittens in a bag - all wanting to kill each other or suck from society's teat. It is a city with so much history, it is the history of the modern world, particularly for people who can't use a map and like sweeping generalizations. A history of decadence. A history of corruption. A history of Liberty. On Sept 4th 1609, Horatio Humboldt an English explorer hired by the Dutch to find a new place to sell weed, steered his trusty ship into the mouth of a great river - The Humboldt - which he wrote in his log - tis a strange and fortuitous coincidence that lush future site of commerce coincidentally shares the same name as me, for the locals call it the hum bolt. Honestly.

Peterson: That being said, looking through contemporary journals, even then the Humboldt River was a polluted mess. The Cheekasaka Indians would shit and piss right in the river. It wasn't safe to swim in. With that knowledge, it makes it much easier to ignore the awful genocide and epic larceny our forefathers committed and talk about big ideas in grandiose terms and hope we get book deals.

Announcer: Horatio Humboldt had stumbled into the natural harbor that would become the greatest sociological experiment the world had ever seen - to determine if all the people in the world could live together in a single place.

Leneau: The answer is of course no. Liberty City was founded by the Dutch, and all the Dutch cared about was appearing to be purveyors of liberal values. But all they really cared about was pimping women and getting high. They were, in effect, the first rappers. They wanted to find a place where they could party and kill people. Knowing this, it makes the act of highway robbery that our forefathers committed with regards to the Dutch a lot easier to forget and we simply mask it in patriotic foundation myths.

Announcer: Unlike other cities in the new world founded to facilitate new forms of religious persecution by lunatics who'd been run out of Europe by liberals, Liberty City was founded not to promote religious intolerance, but instead the other central tenant western European society - getting rich off of other people's work.

Leneau: You have to understand that when Europeans arrived, the people they met were savages. Can you imagine landing in a foreign land and being surrounded my men in loincloths? It's hard to concentrate on fending off the bubonic plague or sleeping with your pretty little fourteen year old wife when there are savages with no clothes running around. Luckily, we had a few tricks up our sleeve for dealing with them.

Announcer: When Liberty City was founded at the beginning of the modern age it quickly expanded it's ego and learned to hate everyone else - cities that were 3,000 years old couldn't hold a candle to the undisputed, self appointed capital of the world.

Peterson: Oh, The maps were really really shitty back then. I don't know if it was the drink or the scurvy or the raging syphilis passed about by the town bike but look at this map - it's like a Spaniard with polio painted it. It's one of the reasons people took so long to get anywhere. I mean, I mean, the shitty maps.

Leneau: The other reason was savages!

Announcer: Advertisements were sent back to Europe promising settlers a new life in a new city that had 24-hour convenience stores, roller coasters, and the entertainment of a nightly hanging at the gallows, all the things civilization had brought to bear on this land. All of Europe wanted to come see what freedom was really like. When they arrived, they were aghast at America's new pastime - watching animals fuck, and betting on it.

'Peterson: Yes, well, This truly was the city of the future.

Announcer: And as word spread, so did the settlement. They chose the slender island in the bay which they called Algonquin, after old the Indian word Algon coo WIN, thought by some to mean "place for condo skyscraper", and by others as "island to catch an STD." In 1625, right after the colony was founded, the first ship of slaves arrived to give the hard working morally upstanding non-hypocritical Americans, newly free from the tyranny of Europe time to focus on important things in life, like yelling at their women for buying too much shit in the strip mall.

Peterson: The new economy was a boom. It was very different to failed Jamestown, where a bunch of incest-loving cannibals consumed each other in an orgiastic fury of self important nonsense, although the exact nature of the differences escape me just at this moment, but regardless, Liberty City gave the white settlers plenty of time to focus on the important things, like getting laid.

Leneau: The slave craze was huge! It was like waiting for a new IFruit phone to come out... People would line up at the docks and wait in line for days to own their very own person and then put them online for a higher price. Some dissenters wandered if about the moral consequences on a nation founded on genocide, slavery and theft, but they were quickly imprisoned as being unpatriotic by proto-chickenhawks. Of course we have very different values now.

Announcer: That year all the local indigenous tribes were brought together and paid for what would be the greatest real estate deal in the history of the world. 14,000 acres of prime downzone real estate for some spare change, a porno magazine and front row tickets for a game of cricket.

Leneau: Cricket is the most boring game ever. What do the British know about sports? They're all gay.

Announcer: The Dutch had a land of plenty, they traded beaver skins, a 17th century version of wife swapping, and partied late into the night. But founding a county on getting shitfaced and working slaves was trouble from the start. It hadn't worked for the Greeks and it wouldn't work for the Dutch. 4,000 miles from home and no internet connection to read up on soccer scores, the populace became disenchanted. And the colonies deep seeded racism and love of 24 hour shopping would begin to prove it's undoing.

(Cluckin' Bell commercial)

Commercial: What happens when you take a whole chicken. Pack it full of mashed potatoes. Top it full of gravy. Insert some corn. Then deep fry it? You've got yourself a meal! The all new Stuffed Pollo Toto Frito! Now at Cluckin Bell. The meal in one just got massive. Cluckin' Bell.

(Sully's commercial)

Commercial: Liberty City! You don't need money to drive away at Sully's. How about the Feroci? Here's a fine racing machine for you. There's been a lot of special moments in this beauty. So special there was an amber alert issued. They never found her, but it's yours for $7,999. Enjoy the power of the open road today. Oh boy, Sully's got a nice one here for you. The emperor. Fast as hell. And the airbags have been successfully tested by the previous three owners. None of them are in the state to drive anymore, so the car is yours now for the low price of $12,999! Sullys has trucks too. The EXT. Nothing makes you feel manly like driving a truck covered in another mans blood. It's got dark upholstery that doesn't show stains. It's a forensics dream. Only $10,499! Head down to Sully's Auto Mart right now. These and other bargains are going fast. Remember, Sully says: it's pre-owned it's not used.

(A History of Liberty City returns)

Announcer: Liberty City, a town on the edge, a town at the daybreak of dawn, a city at the gate of the universe, a city at the limit of metaphor, deep into the point where hyperbole becomes gibberish. The gateway to the new world was also a terrifying den of inequity. And the campaign to clean up Liberty City and shut down the cumatoriums began almost as soon as the city was founded.

Peterson: What most people don't know, but what I discovered through extensive reenactments, purely for research of course, was that in the cumatormiams they used pig fat as lubrication which in many ways is far superior to modern day petroleum jelly. Another thing worth bearing in mind is that in the spring of 1647 the East India Trading Company hired a cross-dressing director general for New Rotterdam named Gloria Hole, who had lost his right leg in an unfortunate industrial accident while preaching the good word to some savages by blowing them up with a cannon which backfired. Puritanical and self-righteous, he had orders to return civility and productivity to the colony.

Announcer: Within weeks, he had banned drinking, smoking, fornicating with Indians, Texas hold-'em, missing church, anal beads, laughter, and imposed strict fines for male camel toe and whistling in public. It wasn't well received, the city was burned to the ground.

Leneau: Within a few years New Rotterdam had become so diverse that the Dutch had become a minority in their own colony - then, just like today, nobody paid attention to the Dutch and only passed through to get stoned and screw a hooker, while pretending they are going there to look at the depressing paintings and smelly stagnant waterways and wooden shoes. Diversity was troubling, and with diversity comes chaos, as we know to our peril today. Nietzsche said that, and he was so clever he ended up in a lunatic asylum.

Announcer: Then leaders began to fear the worst.

Leneau: They were totally petrified of the Jews showing up.

Announcer: Taxes were reduced so everyone could afford their own firearm. A pattern for the country was now set in stone - ignorant scared xenophobes armed to the teeth trying to protect their borders.

Leneau: It's always been a great nation. What? I'm not racist!

Announcer: On August 27 1664, heavily armed British warships entered the harbor. The colonists signed a petition requesting to be ruled by the British so they wouldn't have to brush their teeth any longer, and could be certain they were better than everyone else. The English quickly renamed New Rotterdam 'Liberty City' after a generous donation by The Bank of Liberty for sponsorship rights.

Leneau: Every where the British population went, The invisible hand of God prepared a space for them by well, you know, conveniently destroying and eradicating the native population.

Announcer: Soon the colony expanded and areas were named after heavily inbred members of their Germanic royal family. Broker was named after Sir William Broker III - the King's bastard son who was conceived by a milk maid. The region to it's north was called Dukes - after the word dookey, as the people in the area smelled like shit. The peninsula to the north of that was named Bohan after Bohan, a Dutch word meaning 'Dutch Word'. And the area across the river was dubbed Alderney, after Phillip d'Alderney who was the only person who could tolerate living in an oily mosquito filled swamp full of industrial wastelands and soccer moms. But things wouldn't be quiet for long.

Peterson: Pretty soon the residents of Liberty City began to fight with the British over taxes.

Leneau: Americans felt, and rightly so, that they shouldn't have to pay any taxes. Let the market sort it out. Poor people will die, rich people will win. Welcome to progress.

Announcer: And so began the American Revolution. A bloody battle by men and women who wanted to leave the tyranny of England's tax structure that paid for burdensome health care and unnecessary public education.

Peterson: It was a war agitated for by a number of musket companies, who knew they would win, whatever the outcome.

Leneau: And of course you can still see that rich tradition today - Americans don't want health care or education. No, no, we want guns and fireworks shows and wars so politicians can invest in armament companies and clean up. And of course we want drugs.

Peterson: Oh, yes lots of those. Strong ones, you take with young coeds when discussing their thesis, and then begin to rub their thighs while they say "Didn't I hear you on that documentary?' and you whisper to them until they pass out, but I digress...

Announcer: The American Revolution was bloody. Soon the French joined in the war to help the struggling American insurgency.

Leneau: No they did not.

Announcer: Yes they did. They joined in by sending a big statue, which won us the war, when the British all died laughing at a giant Martian transvestite eating an ice cream cone.

Peterson: Whatever... we saved their asses in WW2. Get me some freedom fries.

Announcer: The Revolutionary war quickly ended. Residents pulled down the statue of king George and melted it into gold chains, gold teeth, and golden toilet seats. The union jack was taken down in Liberty City, replaced with the stars and stripes, and the newly liberated Americans celebrated. Soon this entrepreneurial spirit took hold, and Liberty City was unstoppable.

Peterson: Although they were free the people lived in squalor. You could buy a young boy on the streets for a few pence. It was a great time to be in the top 5% of the population.

Leneau: It was a great time, to be white. Yes, but soon meddlers like Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson came in to change the successful agrarian based slave economy to one of excessive service fees for concert tickets and huge turnpike tolls.

Announcer: With slavery soon outlawed in Liberty City and the other northern colonies, righteous women were forced to spend time under the train tracks, servicing men for three pence.

Peterson: You could get your knob slobbed for less than the price of a donut. It was a nation on the up. The politicians were having a field day - you couldn't get them to vote because they were all out having their knobs slobbed.

Announcer: To keep the country moving forward, the capital of the nation was moved from Liberty City to a malaria swamp on the banks of the Potomac miles to the south- thankfully the politicians moved out of Liberty City, and the stage was set for organized crime and mobs to really make a difference. The city soon became a microcosm of all the contrasting elements of modern life. Palaces. Self extravagance. Squalor. Tenements. Trannies, Men women and children crowded together like a nest of cockroaches. Just like the Liberty City of today, only with less rich hedge fund dorks trying to be homeboys.

Announcer: With tensions rising and the civil war on the horizon, Frederico Fitzpatrick planned to head off and teach the south a lesson, but before doing so continued his great project to bring calm and civilization to all - a central repository for the most hopeless specimens of degraded humanity to get high in - a park in the middle of Liberty City that would become the great democratic meeting ground where no matter how rich or how poor, you could get dragged into the bushes and raped. Yet beyond it's tranquil borders tension was breaking out. A lot of people were tired of living in black and white. They wanted color. And there were riots.

Peterson: There were kids - kids sleeping in the streets, begging, willing to do anything for a nickel. And there were no taboos or TV shows to catch you doing what is natural between a man and a boy.

Announcer: The nation was sliding inexorably into Civil War, which we'll leave until next time, unless you have the foresight to preorder the box set of DVDs. Join us next time for A History of Liberty Part 2 - The Civil War and Beyond.

(A History of Liberty City ends)

I'm Rich

Announcer: CNT Wednesday nights this fall - don't miss the return of Funeral Factor, American Asshole and a whole new Shitty Singer Competition. My name is Brian O' Tool. As a kid, I always wanted to make a difference in my community but I didn't read so good. Most careers were closed to me. That's why I joined the LCPD. Now I'm on the front lines. Helping tourists and fighting terrorists. I rifle through peoples bags on the subway to protect freedom. I arrest protestors at political conventions for straying outside the free speech zone. We vigorously enforce the open container law and aggressively protect the environment. Maybe you love car chases just like on TV. Imagine being able to do that every day. I'm protecting freedom, whatever the cost. I'm a hero, and I know it.

(CNT commercial)

Announcer: Next weekend - It's the CNT original movie Fear the Dark Finger. Coming up next it's the tale of directionless heiresses and pill poppin playboys on I'm Rich.

(Patriot 500 commercial)

Announcer: Hey race fans - it's coming! Saturdays don't miss the Patriot 500 live from Patriot Beer motor speedway. It's edge of your seat excitement as rednecks drive in a circle five-hundred times.

(I'm Rich begins)

Male announcer: Welcome to 'I'm Rich', the show that puts avarice firmly on the national agenda, as we zealously and emphatically discuss things rich people have, you'll never afford, and anyone with good taste would never want.

Female announcer:In this week's show, we've got tres-rich people who inherited truckloads of money and spend it ostentatiously.

Male announcer: We've got flashy criminals who've bribed Congressmen to be allowed to live as they want and get plump business contracts.

Female announcer:And we'll get down and dirty with fab politicians who siphoned off 50% of the Gross Domestic Product of poor countries to buy speedboats, servants, snakeskin sofas and incredible surround sound sanitariums.

Male announcer: Plus we've got Liberty City's most vacuous debutante coke heads going head to head and giving it, in a race to see who can visit the most STD clinics and rehabs.

Female announcer:It's glamor, guts and really gross greed. From diamond encrusted glory holes to the proper pronunciation of ABITHA... or Abiza...we've got a full half hour of gawking at the possessions of rich people and thinking "That should so be me. Why am I a vapid waste of a human being? Maybe I'll blow my brains out during commercials." All because you're not on I'M RICH.

Male announcer:First up. Cloe Parker - if you don't know who she is, you're a pop-culture retard, and that's deadly serious. This 24 year old sometime felcher and heiress to a mognostranomousity of a fortune to the tune of 950 billion dollars - she's one seriously hot number. She's got fake tits stuffed with rubies as well - it's luxury plastic surgery taken to a whole new level. Now to fill up time a person is going to repeat what I just said in a different way while we watch the same footage again.

Female announcer: Cloe Parker is 24 years old and really hot. She's worth a lot of money and is totally vapid. She's had a lot of plastic surgery but otherwise is devoid of meaning. She's RICH.

Male announcer:She's got it all and money is everything. She has a daddy, money and one of those tiny little dogs that rich people keep in their vagina.

Female announcer: I want one of those SO badly.

Male announcer: Woof woof. So you think your daddy is nice? Cloe Parker went from tycoon tot to tycoon twat. She lived in this mega-mansion her daddy bought for her after her first period. And, when pop is back in Columbia managing the families produce importing company, she's out in the The Carraways. Fantabulous. Party in Paris and fingerblast in Florence. Her amazing mansion has an underwater home theater with midget mermaids, jumbo jet garages, and a six-hundred foot Yacht that costs three million just to day to run. Her Penthouse in Algonquin's exclusive Middle Park East district is a little palace in the sky, complete with a moat and a drawbridge, torture dungeon and servants with scurvy, all on the 55th Floor. This is real estate the rest of us can only watch on television and masturbate over.

Female announcer: I'm masturbating right now. Furiously. Now Cloe is best friends with Jill Von Crastenburg. This enfant terrible has been ruling Liberty City's night life for the past two years, since her 11th birthday. Her daddy gave her a pair of diamond miners for her twelfth birthday and after she could walk again, sent her to fifteen of the most exclusive boarding schools, all at the same time, and got her a tree house with servants! Plus, she's got a flying rabbit.

Male announcer: Money! Omnipotence! When you're this amazing the laws of nature just don't apply. Your life is like a soda commercial where everything is extreme! Look at this house. That's what it takes to make a splash in the ultra competitive world of being the kid of rich parents who don't pay any taxes. The Von Crastenburg's are amongst the richest people in the world, apart from morally, where they are entirely destitute, just like the producers of this show. But look at how many sports cars Cloe has. Rumor has it this deliciously defecating debutante screams daddy while doing the dirty deed rotisserie style.

Female announcer: They live most of the year in Liberty City at this sumptuous mansion, but pay no taxes, because they claim to practice their religion inside their home, taking it off the tax rolls. That's being a real American entrepreneur.

Male announcer: That thinking got them a forty-five bedroom weekend home upstate - it has a candle lit chandelier in the bathroom and transparent plumbing, so you can eat hundred dollar bills, shit them out and watch your ca-ca creation as it departs on it's journey. Their religion is money, and they are the pope, the chief rabbi and a serious ayatollah all rolled into one!

Female announcer: Fabulous! Their shit doesn't stink. And little baby Jill has got her own bedroom in this palatial palace that's carved out of ivory with murals of erotic versions of fairy tales, hand painted by celebrity artists Simon and Nigel.

Male announcer:That's how the rich live! With pictures of little red riding hood taking it in the can from the big bad wolf. Let's take a break while we ponder how all the middle class is just like red riding hood. When we come back, Algonquin's hottest Playboy discusses how he spends his money on worthless shit.

(Piswasser commercial)

Commercial: Last night I think I shit the bed, got so drunk I gave a dude head. Life is just a merciful blur. When you pop a pisswasser. Piswasser don't drink it slow. 3am, buy some blow. Sleep in a bathroom on the floor. What really matters anymore? All the crap you do all day, who fucking cares anyway? Piswasser, this is beer. Drive Drunk, off a pier. Piswasser, drink all day it helps your trouble go away! Piswasser - cheap German lager for export only

(CNT commercial)

Announcer: Next week don't miss the CNT reality show Conjoined Twins - A Hot Night Out. This is CNT.

(I'm Rich returns)

Male announcer: Welcome back to I'm rich - the show about rich people that has the production values of a local cable access show.

Female announcer: That's cause we have to churn this shit out en masse. Luckily people are stupid enough to watch it. Speaking of churning it out or bopping your baloney on the face of humanity, here's another vacuous rich person we're going to promote for reasons that are entirely beyond anyone's understanding - it's top Algonquin playboy Tony McTony.

Male announcer: TMT is like TNT. this fast living, fast fused but vertically challenged bachelor and internet 2.0 millionaire has agreed to talk to us about what being rich is all about to him.

McTony: Uh, Since I became really rich, my life is incredible... I got a place with a glass floor so I can take upskirts with a special camera and a glass elevator that has a glass Jacuzzi in it and I ride up and down for hours - and you know what? I'm going to rub your nose in it. I've gone from nerd to hot quicker than you can say $750 million dollars in stock options.

Male announcer: Tony's place in Los Santos is legendary. Tony may be only five foot tall but what he lacks in stature, he more than makes up for in sports cars. Why have one luxury Italian Infernus sports car when you can have two? And why have two when you can have fifteen? All exactly the same. Each one has monogrammed seats, which the special Tony McTony logo.

McTony: Since I became rich, I realized I needed a logo. So I got the best logo designer to make me one. It cost fifteen million just to have it created. The silk thread was shit out by a Trappist monk. It's a yellow M done in an arch, on a red background. You've never seen anything like it people. My towels, my condoms, my gold rim jobs all of it with the Tony McTony logo. Bitches love initials.

Female announcer: Tony also hires women to sit cross legged and topless in leather pants in birdcages hung from his ceiling and they meditate, so people realize just how rich he is.

McTony: Now, I get laid all of the time. Which is great, because I was a virgin until six months ago.

Male announcer: Tony spends his weekends power boating up the Humboldt alongside Algonquin, while he gets his special platform shoes hand built by Eskimos out of moon rock. He likes to get back at the kids who beat him up in school by buying the companies where they're employed and sacking them.

McTony: Hey, I'm not bitter. I'm just a tiny guy with a lot of cash.

Male announcer: Next up, we've got Alfonso Vasquez.

Female announcer: This guy's rich, and he's got a seriously hot daughter that he's gotta have trouble keeping his hands off of.

Male announcer: And wow is his wife a bitch. She took half his money, just like a slut will.

Female announcer:But that half he doesn't even need because money rolls in so fast he has snow shovels to pick it up. Alfonso keeps his daughter January Natasha Vasquez dripping in diamonds. She says she's even got her labia beautifully baroqued with an enormous seven karat stone. She's a role model and knows it- showing girls exactly where their vaginas can take them if they try hard enough. But being this wealthy totally does have a down side though. She's terrified of trees, afraid that elves will abduct her and have their way with her, and she's never had to learn to read or chew. It's so awesome.

Male announcer: In her world, nothing is impossible. Except humility. And basic spelling Especially when a manservant chews your food and spits it into your mouth.

Female announcer: Private jets - fleets of $300,000 sports cars. Waterfall water beds, plus they've got a plasma TVs in the toilet bowl to watch your favorite shows while you're making yourself throw up an $800 meal. That's what being rich is all about.

Male announcer: It doesn't get any better than this. If Heaven exists, it won't be this good. Coming up next, boats - yachts and twats. It's the decadence that you dream of - and it's only on I'm rich.

Announcer: This is CNT.

(Love-meet commercial)

Commercial: My name is Stephanie Pearson. I tried dating but it ended mostly in me just getting desperate and blowing homeless guys. Then I met Nathan on Love-meet.net. We totally hit it off. Then he slit my throat and killed himself. Now we'll be together forever. Thanks Love-meet!/Meet the man, woman or beast of your dreams. Meeting someone is as easy as logging on, paying for a lifetime subscription and receiving emails from the worst dregs of society you always feared were out there. Love-meet.net.

Male announcer: Welcome back to 'I'm Rich'. In this section we've got an in depth investigation into corruption and scandal in the charity industry alongside a report from the front line of poverty in our own country and how bent politicians are wasting the money you give them.

Female announcer: Only joking - who cares about tales of woe when we've got tales of wow? We are going to talk about wealthy people like they are in any way interesting.

Male announcer: And point out how pathetic your life is because you don't have emerald encrusted toilet paper, or a pet dragon that shits pizza.

Female announcer: That's amore! Speaking of shits, Liberty City has taken decadence to a whole new level recently - officially becoming the world capital of stupid money when five generations of inbreeding created a wasp icon, so drunk with fame and wealth he doesn't even know his own name.

Male announcer: Lyle Cleethopres the fifth's ancestors made their fortune selling tobacco and slaves, both of which are good. But the emancipation proclamation didn't get his family down - they import all their labor from Mexico for pennies - making him mega ultra party time rich.

Female announcer: He spends his time sleeping with models whose shoulder blades could cut paper, holding court at the fanciest clubs in town such as the legendary celeb hangout Mazionette 9. And driving sports bikes while high on drugs.

Male announcer: It's the American dream - he's talent less, pointless and tedious and we're talking about him because advertisers will pay for spots on this show.

Female announcer: Let's think about that for a second.

Male announcer: There - a quick reflection is good. now let's get on with our lives.

Female announcer: Stay jealous people... I know I will...

Male announcer: It's the decadence that you dream of, and it's only on I'm Rich.

Announcer: I'm Rich is brought to you by Krapea - Budget lifestyle solutions made from particle board. Rimmers - Sunglasses,sight for sore eyes. Al Dente's - all the mama mia you can eat. Trackify wireless - Keep tabs on the ones you love. Big Logs cereal - Who doesn't love big logs in the morning. Wifebeater gin - the way to relax when you want her to shut the fuck up and let you watch TV. Bean Machine coffee. Chihuaha hot dogs - try beating our meat. Promotional consideration and advertising breaks brought to you by: Adios Air - Say Your Goodbyes. Lax to the Max - Get flowing again. Alpha Mail - The Postal Evolution. The Alcopatch - It's the same refreshing feeling of your favorite drink - but delivered transdermally and discreetly. Fanny Crab's Bar & Grill, you'll love the taste of our fanny crabs. Support for the sponsor listing portion of the show brought to you by: Twenty four seven convenience stores - Where else are you going to buy a six pack, condoms and cigarettes, when you're high at three in the morning? Burger Shot - Kill your hunger. It's bleedin tasty. Gnocchi - because Italians are known for their watches. Rusty Browns Ring Donuts. Max Renda Cosmetics and Wigwam burger - no need for reservations. Closed captioning for the hearing impaired brought to you by: Pirate Music stores - who invite you to hear the future of music and Tinkle wireless - Tinkle everywhere, Tinkle in your ear. And Eugenics Incorporated - Call Eugenics Incorporated, where morality is none of our business.

(I'm Rich ends)

The Serrated Edge

Announcer: Get ready to laugh your guts out - the comedy Drunk Daddy and the Door returns in two weeks. You're on CNT. Do you ever fucking go to bed?

(Limo commercial)

Announcer: Think that'll get into her pants? No way.You need something classy- super classy. Super Classy Touch Limo. Prestige can be purchased. And even rented by the hour. Feel like a player or a rich executive who just got a bonus for laying off 10,000 employees. Get exotic. Our limos feature Hot tubs, pool tables, pizza ovens, leopard skin, firing ranges, flat surfaces for laying out rails, jungle swings- all on wheels - super classy. Nail that prom date, personal assistant, or grieving widow in style. Contact super classy touch limo today.

Announcer: You're on CNT - the best in comedy, news, drama and paid programming. Up next, don't miss a chance to find the knife of your dreams on the serrated edge. You're watching CNT.

(Dilettante commercial)

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(The Serrated Edge begins)

Estell: Welcome to another episode of The Serrated edge, I am Estelle Graham.

Luther: And I'm Luther Austin. That's right we're the number one rated knife, blade, ceremonial sword and other cutting device infomercial in the nation right now.

Estell: If you're the kind of person who values efficiency in the kitchen, confidence in camping and the ability to take a hostage at any time the Serrated Edge is for you. I tell my kids - you can never have enough knives around the house. And boy do we have some gorgeous knives for you tonight.

Luther: I want to hold every one of these babies. Touch 'em close to my skin all naked like.

Estell: Item number 1776. This premium, premium collection coming your way. Fourteen premium knives. First, the Bowie. Mirror polished stainless German stainless blade. Why German? Well, that's where we got it from. I tell you, I could take that knife, crawl out of the mirror black ocean and slit a Serbian's throat, just like a navy seal.

Luther: On the handle. Remember Pearl Harbor. That's a gorgeous knife right there. Like someone spent hours just honing and sharpening, letting the hate turn into craftsmanship. It's Beautiful. You'll also get in this collection: The Lonely Wolf combat style knife with extreme Satin finish. Fits your hand perfectly. I used this knife yesterday. I cut a tree down to the size of a baseball bat. This is one of my personal favorites. The more I use it the more I want to find stuff to cut. Usually I start with my arm, little cuts to try and forget.

Estell: Easy Luther, but we can't forget this set is an $8,000 value. Now you get the entire set, under a $100 by a nickel. $99.95. You are an idiot if you don't order. Like an inbred baby, your head rollin' around on your shoulders, tongue hangin' out.

Luther: Yeah, nobody likes and inbred baby. Real pain to get rid of. On the line we have Kevin.

Kevin : Hey guys I love the show guys.

Estell: Hey Kevin, did you pick up this set yet?

Kevin: I sure did. I'm going to give the commando knife to my daughter.

Estell: The British commando style high grade surgical steel carbonized finish twenty-inch assault blade. Cuts through skin, bones, innards. Sometimes, you get stuck in a snowstorm, you gotta eat people. This knife is like an emergency survival kit. Being prepared is the name of the game especially when the terrorists show up.

Kevin: You know, that knife, it just screams freedom. I love the saw on the back. That's a real nice feature. One time I got pinned under a car and I had to save myself by sawing off a limb. I don't miss it at all. I love cutting things.

Estell: And it's laser-etched. We will etch your name on there, Patty Sue, Bobby Joe, shitdick, whatever you want.

Luther: There you go! Estelle you've gone truly crazy with this sale.

Estell: I'm gonna cut somebody! One minute left. I will not be coming back to this set. Someone else is gonna get your knives and you might meet them in an alley someday. Stick you in the gut, your innards all over the street, scream out my name! Damn you Estelle, you was right, I shoulda bought that set, and it will echo across the city and a flock of birds will scatter towards the brooding sky and little girls will cry. I can't see how you could pass this set up. I can't fathom it. Don't be an idiot.

Luther: O.k. This knife here is a half whittler Extreme.

Estell: You can sharpen a stick, hide up in the trees, wait for something to come by. Jump down and stick it in his throat. Grab his squarely by gonads, look him in the eyes, say it's your last day on earth son. Prepare to meet your maker. Tell him Estelle sent ya. Yaa!

Luther: Wow! You'll also get the Trapper knife. Great for field dressing a sea otter or cheetah. Or you could slightly slip it in.

Estell: Would somebody answer the goddamn phone? What the hell you doing back there? I 'm gonna cut somebody!

Luther: Uh, and this one, the Tanto blade, good for heavy duty stabbing cuts. You can hide it in your boot.

Estell: That's right. Your captors got you holed up in a Mexican prison, you say, "Hey amigo, can I get a cigarette, he says, "Si", and then you say "I gotta tie my boot", and then you come up and stab a fool in the neck and watch the life blood drain out of him in horrified surprise. You can't pass up this collection.

Luther: Fourteen knives, carry several at once. Time is running out. Lets go over here. We're gonna go over to the sword collection. Item 1863. Nineteen swords. First, a double katana, similar to what you see in a movie.

Estell: This is a genuine reproduction samurai sword. Steel blades, you carry these on your back to sporting events or dates. It's about being a warrior! Sixth century Japan, magistrate comes through for the taxes, you whip this shit out and say "take that you Mongol son of a bitch!

Luther: Ten swords. Our most incredible sword deal of all time. This is a historical moment not a sales pitch. You are making an investment in your family's future. Order now.

Estell: It is a well known fact among successful millionaires that swords appreciate more in value than real estate or stocks. And you're gonna receive two of these - the El Cid cavalry sword. Good for plundering for personal gain, patriotic motives, or when fighting the moors. Those moors are terrible!

Luther: Don't get me started on the moors. You'll also get the Three Musketeer Deluxe. This is brand new.

Estell: Perfect for a fiery duel, or fighting off peasants wielding farm implements. This collection, they shouldn't allow me to sell these swords. I should be locked up. But just try it! Ain't nobody gonna take me down.

Luther: Whoa now, hold up girl. Guys. You're paying less than ten dollars for each sword. So if one gets seized at security, you've got a second one. You get the Katana, you get the el Cid, and you get the Tanto. Look at this jeweled beauty.

Estell: It's good to have jewels on the handle; it distracts people, shows a bit of real class! This sword here. This is called the King Maker Supreme 3. It's our very own Excalibur. True sword of honor. Now you know honey, there isn't much honor left in this world. People steal your car. Take your wife.

Luther: They'll corn-hole ya, if you ain't careful.

Estell: Ain't that the truth. Now you'll also get this knife, called the Raven X . Alright, Rachel is on the line.

Rachel: Hi Estelle. I want you to know that I ordered the fifty-inch whalebone sword of Solomon. That thing is rulin'. I'm totally going to kill that bitch cheerleader.

Estell: Oh honey, that's a beauty. Good girl. Religious swords have extra power and we had this one blessed by a voodoo priest. I tell you, I get carried away with these deals. This is luxury. Hot sexy luxury. Like rich people have. Incredible values. You can't buy people for this much money. And I've tried. Are you picking up the Kingdom of Heaven collection?

Rachel: I sure am. As soon as I get it I'm terminating a pregnancy.

Estell: If you find a better price anywhere on a nineteen-piece ornate ceremonial sword collection, I'll eat crow.

Luther: You'll also get this, the Gladiator 9. It's the ninth iteration of the popular gladius. Inspired by ancient roman orgies. Its short stabbing motions are excellent in close quarter combat. This is old ancient world style Damascus steel. There are 4 kings of the beast happily mating on the handle.

Estell:Whoo, look at the eyes of the lion done in gold on the handle. That's the last thing people will see. And this is the last you'll see of this collection. 99.95. Order now honey. The nineteen ceremonial and historical sword collection. What's next? Oh Luther. They're gonna get spoilt!

Luther: How about this collection then? Item number 1812. Over two-hundred and fifty knives. If you could buy it this collection would be worth upwards of $3,000 on the black market. What are they going to receive Estelle?

Estell: Look at this one. Push a button, Bam, knife's open. Cops dead. There's a finger groove. That's a luxury switchblade excelsior. You'll get the Navy Seal. High carbon super density stainless steel for cutting underwater. Plus the Bald eagle. It's glory that's also a knife. Sing it with me. Glory be to the USA! With a wildlife scene on the handle. Do you see that Luther? You're having a tough day at work, you can whip this buddy out, look at that nature scene on the handle, think about a more peaceful place away from meddling coworkers, sexual harassment regulations and do-gooders getting in the way of your business.

Luther: You'll get the Firefighter Knife. Won't melt when you need to cut your way out of a burning building. What else can I do? Two hundred and fifty knives. A great value. These are working knives. These are ceremonial knives. These are ornamental knives. These are fantastic knives. One for under your pillow, in the baby stroller, in your briefcase and then boot.

Estell: This one right here, makes me want to drop from a tree, slit a Vietcong neck and light a torch and run through the jungle plum naked on acid.

Luther: Grab it. Get it. Buy it! Let's move it! Yee-ha! Giddy up bitches! Get you some knives. You're missing out. If you're watching you should be buying. No explanation needed. We're running out of time. Remember. YOU need a knife. We're running out of time. Order now. These deals can't last. Dial the number on the screen. We'll see you next time on The Serrated Edge. Remember, a knife is something you can hold forever.

Unused dialogue

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