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| {{infobox character|
| | #REDIRECT [[Routines in the Split Sides]] |
| |image =
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| |games = [[Grand Theft Auto IV]]<br>[[The Lost and Damned]]
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| |name = Ricky Dene Gervais
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| |aka =
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| |gender = M
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| |dob = July 25, 1961
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| |pob = England
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| |dod =
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| |home = [[Liberty City in GTA IV era|Liberty City]] (in GTA IV era)
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| |nationality = English
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| |family = [[:wp:Jane Fallon|Jane Fallon]] (wife)
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| |affiliations =
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| |vehicles =
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| |businesses =
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| |voice = Ricky Gervais
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| }}
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| '''Ricky Dene Gervais''' is a real life English comedian, actor, and film maker. He is a character in the GTA IV era, appearing in [[Grand Theft Auto IV]] and [[The Lost and Damned|Grand Theft Auto IV: The Lost and Damned]].
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| He is a comedian performing at the [[Split Sides]] comedy club in [[Algonquin]], [[Liberty City in GTA IV era|Liberty City]]. He has three different acts that can be seen.
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| ==Stand-ups==
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| ===Obesity===
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| '''Announcer''': And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais!
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| ''Ricky walks onstage waving at the appluading audiance'': Whoah. Thank you. Hi, wow thank you very much. What a lovely welcome.
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| '''Ricky Gervais''': As you know I do a lot of charity work, but in all honesty,
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| I think that some causes are more worthy than others.
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| Obviously cancer is a very worthy cause, AIDS is a very worthy cause,
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| but I got asked to do a benefit gig recently for sufferers of obesity.
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| What? Sufferers of obesity.
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| I said "You mean fat people?",
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| ''Minor laughter from audiance''
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| she went, "No because obes...". Well, she actually went,
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| "No because obe...", she was eating.
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| ''Laughter''
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| So she went, "Obesity is a disease".
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| I went, "No it's not, is it?
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| ''laughter''
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| No it's not, you just like eating, don't you?"
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| ''more laughter''
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| How is that a disease?
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| ''Immitates person scoffing food into their mouth'': "Oh, I'm so fucking ill..." num, num, "Oh I'm well ill",
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| ''Laughter''
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| I went "What's the disease?".
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| She went "Everything tastes good".
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| ''Laughter''
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| Everything?
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| "Not salads".
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| That's not a disease, leprosy is a disease.
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| Can you imagine Jesus in the Temple,
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| people coming up to him in bandages, going "Jesus my flesh is falling off"?
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| And he goes "I cant stop now - there's a fat woman over there on her third pie".
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| ''laughter''
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| ''Ricky Sighs''
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| Saw a documentary about a woman who was three hundred and fifty pounds,
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| cause she ate ten pie and chips a day.
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| That'll do it.
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| ''Laughter''
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| Ten pie and chips a day, ten separate meals, ten separate trips to the chip shop.
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| In a cab, didn't even walk that. Wasted calories.
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| ''laughter''
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| So in this documentary they wired her jaw together, to try and stop her eating.
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| So she liquidized ten pie and chips a day.
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| ''loud laughter''
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| Pie smoothies. Now she's not even chewing,
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| that used up ten calories.
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| So, er, they took her to hospital...
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| to give her that operation where they staple your stomach together.
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| And she was sitting there in hospital, looking all depressed,
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| well you can't eat for an hour before an operation can ya?
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| ''laughter''
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| And she went, "It's, it's a dangerous operation, but it's the only option left".
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| ''Ricky puts his hand up, points to himself, then puts his hand down''
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| One, jogging? Oh you don't even walk. Um...
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| ''Laughter''
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| Salads? You don't like salads, ok.
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| '''Nine''' pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it?
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| ''Loud laughter''
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| They make excuses, don't they, fat people? They say things like...
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| "It's glandular". It's not glandular, it's greed.
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| ''laughter''
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| "It's big bones". Yeah, big bones covered in meat and gravy.
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| ''laughter''
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| Unbelievable, always complain.
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| "Oh... aeroplane seats...
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| ''Ricky pretends to put food in his mouth''
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| ''laughter''
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| They're not big enough for someone like me."
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| No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane!
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| ''Loud Laughter''
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| "It's not fair." It is fair, you ate too much.
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| And if we're talking about fairness, and aeroplanes,
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| why is it that I get the same luggage allowance
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| as a guy who's four hundred pounds?
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| We're both allowed thirty-two kilograms on the plane.
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| I wanna go "No, he used up his thirty-two kilograms on his tits!".
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| ''Applause, laughter and clapping''
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| ''Ricky starts to walk off stage''
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| Thanks very much, goodnight. Enjoy your meals.
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| ''He points to a guy in the crowd''
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| Not you, you've had enough.
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| ===War===
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| '''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais!
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| (''Ricky walks onto stage waving to the audiance as they clap'')
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| '''Ricky''': Hi, How you doing?
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| Cheers, thanks.
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| I have been known...
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| to have a go at fat people.
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| But the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself.
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| '''Guy in audiance''': No shit!
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| (''Ricky Points to crowd and laughs'')
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| '''Ricky''': Somone shouted, "No shit".
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| (''Laughter'')
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| Could be that. Forty years build up.
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| (''Laughter'')
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| I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour,
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| and I've had medicals before for TV work.
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| and they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine".
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| But i went along to the doctor, and he said uh...
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| "Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour".
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| "We need a urine sample."
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| I've never had to do that before, so ah...
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| you know, i went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold.Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?"
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| I thought, "this is thorough".
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| So i stripped down to my boxer shorts,
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| (''Ricky pretends to pull down his pants'')
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| "Ah for fuu..."
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| The one day i wear white boxer shorts...
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| (''Ricky points to his groin area'')
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| Big wet patch from the wee.
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| (''Laughter'')
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| Well, why didn't he warn me?
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| Why didn't he say, "Be carful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I...
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| So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do.
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| I told my friend. And my friend went:
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| "You should have gone commando!"
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| Well, that would have been less embarresing, wouldn't it?
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| (''Laughter'')
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| So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and i go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can i do?"
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| "I know!"
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| (''Ricky pretends to pull off his underware and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips'')
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| (''Laughter'')
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| '''Ricky''': Go commando...
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| do commandos not wear pants?
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| Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants...
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| I donno, any commandos in.. do you wear...?
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| (''Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him'')
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| "Why you...
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| Why youy not wearing pants?"
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| (''Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him'')
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| "What do you mean, cuz' werem commandos? They...
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| There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!"
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| "Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting bii...???
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| (''Laughter'')
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| Look, theres barbed wire up... You're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...!?
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| (''Loud laughter'')
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| Go commando.
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| But i am a bit overweight...
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| I never worried about that before was famous. And i'm not more vain now.
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| It's that you read about youreslf...
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| and the papers. They need an adjective.
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| They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian".
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| They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian".
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| (''Laughter'')
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| Why bring that into it?
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| "Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian."
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| Rotund!?!
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| That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund!
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| One called me a chubby Funster!
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| That's a gay porn name!
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| (''Laughter'')
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| I was jogging once,
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| (''Ricky jogs on the spot'')
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| listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player.
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| "Oh yeah, looking good"
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| Paparazzi got me.
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| Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline...
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| "Ipodge".
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| (''Hysterical laughter'')
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| Cheeky bastards.
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| (''Ricky starts to walk offstage audiance applauds, cheers and claps.'')
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| Thanks very much, good night!
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| ==External links==
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| *[[wp:Ricky Gervais|Ricky Gervais on Wikipedia]]
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| *[http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0315041/ Ricky Gervais on IMDB]
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| {{GTA IV Characters}}
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| [[Category:Characters|Gervais, Ricky]]
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| [[Category:Characters in GTA IV|Gervais, Ricky]]
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