Hating the Haters/Script
Niko: Florian, open the door. Don't be a fag.
Bernie: Speak English. And I told you, it's Bernie.
Niko: Then Bernie, open the door. What's going on?
Bernie: Come in, come in. The haters are trying to kill me... I can't stand it. I won't stand it... it's not fair. I'm just being me!
Niko: Bernie! What are you talking about?
Bernie: I came to this country to be myself... to get away from small minded, angry macho pricks...
Niko: Oh, like me?
Bernie: Yes! Well, no. Well you know what I mean. It was hardly the most progressive place. How does my hair look?
Bernie: I put a rinse in. Tawdry Night.
Bernie: Bryce found some gray hairs. If he leaves me, I'll kill myself.
Niko: Forget about your hair, Florian.
Niko : I mean Bernie. What's the problem?
Bernie: Someone is threatening to kill me. Every time I go out jogging, and doing aerobics or playing ultimate disc, some guy comes up and threatens me. He's loco!
Niko: Why is he threatening you?
Bernie: Because... I think just because I'm fabulous.
Bernie: I keep thinking I'm being followed, and I don't know why. I'm a prisoner in my own home.
Niko: Okay, Bernie, let's go out and have a look.
Bernie: Ooo! I am so glad you've come back into my life.
Niko: That's cool. But listen... you and I don't know each other.
Bernie: How can you say that? I thought you were different!
Niko: Because we want this guy to attack you. Come on.
Bernie: The haters are in Middle Park, hon.
Bernie: Let's go to Middle Park, Niks.
Bernie: I do my exercises in Middle Park, Niko.
(Niko gets a car)
Bernie: Niko, you're still in great shape. You work out?
Niko: Not really. I keep active, you know.
Bernie: Is there a name for that fitness plan? I'd take a class if I could be guaranteed buns like yours.
Niko: It's called getting chased by the cops and being errand boy for the mob.
(Niko takes Bernie to Middle Park)
Bernie: Let's get our heart rates up, Niko. Remember to hang back, I need to charm him out.
Bernie: It's cardio time, Niko. Remember to keep some distance though.
Bernie: We're going for a jog, Niko. Try to keep up. And stay back too, we don't want to be rumbled.
(The two begin jogging)
Bernie: Watch my rear.
Bernie: Follow my buns, sweetie.
Bernie: Chase my tail, babe.
Bernie: Follow me.
Bernie: It's cardio time, Niko.
Bernie: Keep up, honey.
Bernie: Let's go.
Bernie: Come on, slow coach.
Bernie: Eyes on the prize, Niko.
Bernie: Come on, Niko.
(If Niko gets in front of Bernie)
Bernie: Niko, I need you to watch my behind.
Bernie: I don't feel comfortable if you're not behind me.
Bernie: Cover my tush, Niko. Get behind.
Bernie: Niko, I want you at my rear.
Bernie: It's my hiney that I'm worried about honey, get be-hiney me.
(If Niko follows too close)
Bernie: Try a bit of subtlety, honey.
Bernie: Stay back Niko. Play hard to get.
Bernie: He's not going to come out if you're that close.
Bernie: I thought we didn't know each other.
Bernie: He'll only come after me if it looks like I'm by myself.
(If Niko continues to stay close)
Bernie: Niko, this isn't working sweetie. Either the hater has seen us and he'll stay away. Or someone's going to tell Bryce I'm with you and he'll think I'm cheating. Nuh uh, honey. I'm going home.
Bernie: Sorry honey, you've blown our cover. There's no way the hater's going to think I'm alone with you clamped to my buns like that. I'm going home for a shower and an avocado face pack.
(Bernie continues to jog and the homophobe emerges from behind a wall)
Homophobe: I'm about done with you, homo.
(The homophobe hits Bernie with a baseball bat)
Bernie: Ahhhhh! Ahh! Urgh.
Niko: Why don't you pick on someone who'll fight back?
Homophobe: What's your problem? Fag lover.
Niko: Whatever you say, buddy. Unfortunately, for hitting my friend, I'm going to kick the shit out of you.
(As Bernie lays on the ground)
Bernie: I wish we could all just get along.
Bernie: Nothing's broken, get him.
Bernie: Go after him. Make him suffer.
(If the hater gets away)
Niko: He's got away. We ain't gonna catch him.
(Niko begins to chase the homophobe around Middle Park)
Homophobe: Leave me alone.
Homophobe: Get a pedicure of something.
Homophobe: They're not meant to fight back.
Homophobe: Stay away from me.
Homophobe: Fuck you, fag lover.
Homophobe: Help me, shit.
Homophobe: It's me. I'm the problem. My daddy never loved me.
Homophobe: I'm sorry, I just see him running and I need to grab him and just...
Homophobe: Oh shit. This wasn't meant to happen.
Homophobe: Shit man. I didn't mean nothing by it.
(Niko makes his way back to Bernie)
Bernie: Get ready Niko. You and I are about to get real close.
Bernie: I'm coming with you honey. Make some room.
Bernie: Scooch up Niko. Bernie is riding shotgun.
(Bernie gets on the bike with Niko and they chase the homophobe)
Bernie: Get him, Niko. I want him to suffer for every gray hair and worry line. I can't believe that Bryce hasn't ended things already. I'm disgusting. I've gotten fat and ugly, Niko. You should have seen me when I first got here.
Niko: I knew you before you got here.
Bernie: That was Florian... urgh. Bernie was beautiful when he arrived on the scene. Dancing in Hercules with my shirt off - every eye in the room was on me. I could have had anyone. Now I'm a monster - an old, wrinkly, gray monster.
Niko: The man we chase is a monster, not you.
Bernie: Niko Bellic that is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me. I think I'm going to cry.
Niko: Hold back the tears, Florian. Wait until we get this guy.
Bernie: Catch him Niko. This man has haunted my dreams for weeks.
Niko: I'll do my best.
Bernie: They don't call it beauty sleep for nothing. I'll tell you, I don't look fabulous when I'm waking up with cold sweats at all hours of the night. No siree, you think I look like this when I get up in the morning?
Niko: I don't know.
Bernie: It takes hours of plucking and buffing before I can ever bear to look at myself. Sometimes I think it's a godsend that Bryce has to go back to his wife for the night instead of sleeping with me.
Niko: Let's just get this guy.
Bernie: Okay... okay. Get him
(If the homophobe starts to get away)
Bernie: He's losing you Niko.
Bernie: You're letting him get away.
Bernie: We can't let him lose us, sweetie.
Bernie: Come on big boy. Use all you got on him.
Bernie: Catch up to him, Niko Bellic.
Homophobe: I can't get beaten up by boyfriends.
Homophobe: Both of you?
Homophobe: Go hold hands or something, leave me alone.
Homophobe: I only wanted to mess with one of you!
Homophobe: Fuck off, the two of you.
Bernie: Sorry, love. You were born in the wrong century.
Bernie: Pick on someone else, bully.
Bernie: I don't take it lying down, hater.
Bernie: Nobody messes with Bernie's serenity.
Bernie: It's payback time, haters.
Bernie: I just feel sorry for you, sweetie.
Bernie: Revenge of the fabulous.
Bernie: You messed with the wrong queen, loser.
Bernie: You picked the wrong queen, didn't you?
Bernie: Watch out hater.
Bernie: You must have been abused as a child.
Bernie: Bernie's coming for you.
Bernie: You thought this was going to be easy, didn't you?
Bernie: I'm here, I'm queer, deal with it.
(If Niko gets off the bike and chases the hater on foot)
Bernie: I need an ice pack Niko, but get that guy first!
Bernie: This soldier's out of action. Finish the mission without him.
Bernie: I can't go on. Do it alone Niko.
(Niko deals with the homophobe)
Bernie: I'm not dressed for jail! We need to get out of here.
(Niko drives Bernie to Perseus)
Niko: He's not going to attack you again.
Bernie: No he ain't. You're an absolute sweetie Niko Bellic. I never would have thought it. See you soon, my wonderful man.
Bernie: I wish people would just accept me for who I am, you know, the good and the bad?
Niko: I think I know how to make this guy accept you.
Bernie: I knew you were the right person to call. Mr. Macho is making me gray and flabby. He better regret it.
Niko: He will.
Failing the mission
Hater gets away
Niko: Flor... Bernie. Don't go jogging for a while. He's still out there.
Bernie: What do you mean? I have to jog. How am I going to keep fit? One ounce of cellulite and Bryce will leave me. There are so many young, fit men out there. He could have anyone. You don't understand the way I suffer. I need to go in that park.
Niko: We'll sort it out soon.
Staying too close
Bernie: This is terrible Niko! I'm going to rot in my apartment. The mummy of Middle Park West they'll call me. I can't stand it. I gotta go.
(Dialogue which isn't heard in-game)
Niko: Bernie, what's the deal? Are you asleep or something? Wake up.
Bernie: Bryce only likes carpet burns he's given me. Not these things.
Bernie: Don't drop your diet muffins, people.
Bernie: Hold onto your focaccias, people.
Bernie: I better not need plastic surgery on these cuts.
Bernie: I could kiss you.
Niko: I got distracted Bernie.
Bernie: I was going too fast...too fast.
Niko: I'll call you.
Hater: It's the TV man. They just rub it in your face all day long. All those... men.
Bernie: Niko, he got me. Where were you? I thought you were watching me?
Bernie: No one's going to pay attention to me.
Bernie: Now I'm even more hideous.
Niko: Sure thing Bernie.
Bernie: Thanks a bunch Niko.
Bernie: Watch your skinny frappes, Bernie's coming through.
Niko: We'll talk later.
Bernie: You are good enough to eat. Fun time soon. Fun time. I promise.
Niko: You'll have no more trouble Bernie. Don't worry.