I Luv LC/Script

The following is a script of the mission I Luv LC in The Ballad of Gay Tony.

Script

Reaper: Hey. Yo! I'm a gun club member. I'm gonna take these rookies downtown. Are you with me? Hey, what's your name son?

Luis: It's Luis, man. I don't think that's such a good idea.

Reaper: Yeah? They said catching that pass in my high school championship football game was a bad idea cause I broke my leg in thirteen places but... I scored a touchdown and won the game. The world was built out of bad ideas my friend.

Derrick: Come on. The PE4 has been molded and is set to explode in sixty seconds. Now listen people, we're your friends. Me and me brother, here.

Patrick: Why you telling them we're brothers, you idiot? That's gonna make it hard for them to find us isn't it?

Derrick: Trying to be honest with these people, we put them through a lot today.

Patrick: Fuck these people, fuck your cause, that shit's over. Ireland's not the only thing that's green, dollars are too.

Derrick: Now you've said bloody Ireland. That's gonna narrow the search ain't it?

Patrick: Fuck you! Take the needle out your arm then tell me what to do.

Derrick: I'll let you tell me what to do when you stop shoving half of Bolivia up your nose every Saturday night.

(As the two brothers fight, they fail to notice Reaper who stands up and shoots Michael with a pistol)

Eugene: Motherfucker!

Niko: Fuck!

(The two brothers kill Reaper in retaliation)

Patrick: We told you not to fuck with us! Shit! Michael! Saint fucking Michael!

(The PE 4 explodes)

Patrick: Fucking shit, get the money. Me and my brother will watch the kids.

Luis: Diablo, que mienda. Shit.

(The three escape with the money and Luis is outside the bank talking to police)

Luis: Like I said man, everything's a little fuzzy.

Police: Well, if you think of anything else Mr. Lopez.

(The cop hands Luis a car)

Luis: Yeah, sure, sure, I'll give you a call.

Police: Thanks.

(Luis walks away and crumples the card up and throws it on the ground before talking with a street vendor)

Luis: Yo, what's up, Papi?

Vendor: Hey.

Luis: You good?

(Luis walks on and calls Tony. As he is walking, Niko, Derrick and Patrick almost him over)

Luis: Hey, Tony it's me. Yeah, there was a problem at the bank. Place got robbed. Nothing to do with me. I swear. Um, some Irish guys. Anyway, uh- listen, I'm coming over, okay? So wake up. You hear me? Wake up.

(Luis walks to Tony's apartment and answers a phone call from his mother)

Luis: Hello. Hey mami, como esta? Yeah, I'm sorry, yeah- no, I was working late at the club. Yeah. Mami, don't be like that. Okay? I'll be home soon. Look, I gotta go. Okay.

(Luis rings the doorbell)

Tony: Who the fuck is it?

Luis: It's me, Tone.

Tony: Whatever. Come up.

(Luis walks inside and finds Tony)

Tony: Oh, how are you?

Luis: I'm good, boss. How are you? You look terrible.

Tony: That's good, because I am terrible. Fucking wretched.

Luis: What's wrong?

Tony: Oh, the usual. Boyfriend thinks I'm a cash machine. One nightclub catering to the rich mindless crowd in a city where the rich mindless crowd are suddenly poor and mindless. Another club catering to the gay and decadent crowd when the gay and decadent crowd suddenly think decadence means buying outrageous new throw cushions instead of getting loaded in a bar, and every half-wit, part time hood in the city thinking, "I know, let's out the squeeze on the club owners... they must really really want to substitute my inadequacies with their money because, after all, they wanna stay up all night talking bullshit to morons because they enjoy it".

Luis: That sounds pretty usual.

Tony: Thanks for the support!

Luis: That's what I'm here for boss.

Tony: Yes, you know, if the bodyguard/business partner thing doesn't work out, you should consider a career as a fucking life coach.

Luis: A what?

Tony: Never mind. Did you speak to Troy?

Luis: Yeah, he said he loves you, but he can't handle working the door of a gay club anymore. Says people are laughing at him.

Tony: Who's laughing at him?

Luis: I don't know - I think the little people who live in his head, the ones stuck in 1955?

Tony: I love those people! And what's up with Dessie?

Luis: Yeah, he says he saw you last night, yeah, and you was holding court with that Cloe Parker until 4 am?

Tony: I was?

Luis: Apparently so.

Tony: My god. Forty-five years old and I get my kicks doing blow with seventeen year old kids whose only claim to fame is that people know better what their vagina looks like than their face. I should be sent to prison. Shouldn't I?

Luis: Yeah, most definitely. What's this money? Did you rob your own club? Tony, I just went to the bank for you, man...

Tony: I don't want it in the bank!

(Two mobsters walk into Tony's apartment)

Rocco: Hey Tony, the door was open... man, it's easier to get into your apartment than into your nightclub.

Luis: Yeah, we have a no guido policy at the club, here I ain't so sure.

Rocco: I love getting racially abused by a spic.

Vincenzo: Yeah, who's the fucking taco, Tony?

Tony: My business partner Luis. Gentlemen, watch your language. We're in the great melting pot; we're not spics, or guidos, or fags - we're proud Americans! Luis - this is Vince and Rocco, relatives of Gracie.

Vincenzo: And creditors to you. And guess what? We ain't here about Gracie.

(Vincenzo moves towards Tony and Luis moves towards Vincenzo but Rocco aims a gun at Luis)

Rocco: Oh, oh, oh! Beautiful. That's a start. I guess we don't have to beat you two loves up.

Vincenzo: Good one!

Rocco: See you later. Oh, nice to meet you, muscles.

(The two leave)

Tony: Fuck - there goes payroll...

Luis: Who the fuck were those two assholes, T?

Tony: Fine men of the cloth. Who the fuck do you think they are? Ancelotti goons I borrowed money from way back...never mind. Amateurs. Come on, let's get out of here, let's go.

Dialogue

Tony: We need to go to Hercules.

Luis: Give it up, Tone. Where'd the cash come from? Don't tell me you been running a skim job.

Tony: I'm one hundred percent legitimate, Luis. You know me. Total transparency.

Luis: Sometimes I wonder if you brought me on as a partner just to share the blame when the IRS comes knocking.

Tony: I was investing in your industry and acumen. Don't look for anything sinister here.

Luis: That's what you say, T. Pero, I'm kind of suspicious. Maybe witnessing that robbery made me paranoid, and maybe it's just hanging out with you - who the fuck knows?

(Luis drives to Hercules)

Tony: Here we are. Troy! Get over here! A very important client is coming tonight. We need complete discretion.

Troy: You know me, Tone. Don't ask, don't tell. Military grade.

Tony: Hey, this is serious. He's paranoid no one will buy his next CD if they know he'd rather be singing cabaret than rapping. As if people buy CDs anymore.

Troy: Sure. Look. I really need to talk to you, Tony.

Tony: Blah. Blah. Blah. Another time, Troy. We'll be at Maisonette.

(Luis drives towards Maisonette 9)

Luis: Troy's getting anxious.

Tony: We should all be getting anxious. The nightclub business is going to shit. Forget the banks, we're the ones who needed a bailout.

Luis: No more of that shit left, T.

(The two arrive at Maisonette)

Tony: Time to be charming, Lou Lou.

Dessie: Alright, Tone. Hey, L.

(The two enter the club)

Tony: I gotta make some calls. You work the floor.

(While hanging out in the club, Luis gets a call from Tony)

Luis: What's up, Tone?

Tony: I'm told that one of your "friends" is causing trouble out front. Can you go help Dessie?

Luis: You know who it is?

Tony: I don't know anything about it, but take care of it, Luis. No nonsense.

(Luis goes outside and finds Dessie arguing with two of Luis' friends)

Armando: Yo, why you laying your hands on me like that, man? Luis is my boy!

Henrique: Luis is his boy.

Dessie: Half the people in here say Luis is their boy: the girls all say they're fucking him, I don't care if you're his damn mother, you ain't comin' in. Not in them clothes. Not with that attitude.

Armando: Enjoy looking for a job in this economic climate, motherfucker!

Henrique: Yeah!

Luis: Yo, what the fuck, A?

Armando: Tell this clipboard and earpiece motherfucker to back up, L.

Henrique: Back up!

Luis: What's the problem, D?

Dessie: You askin' me?

Luis: Yo relax, go inside, I got it.

Henrique: Yeah, go relax, go inside, huh?

Armando: Call your mami!

Henrique: You need to go relax.

Armando: Later for you.

Luis: Guys, shut up, okay?

Armando: Wow, downtown's really change you, man. You're too good to take money from me and Henrique now?

Luis: You know it ain't even like that, bro, okay? You don't pay for shit in here. Okay, you just can't be looking like you came from selling drop on the corner.

Armando: You say that like it's a bad thing.

Luis: Tony, what do you think?

Tony: Dessie wouldn't let me in dressed like that.

Luis: See what I mean?

Tony: Come to think of it Lou, what the fuck are you wearing, huh?

Luis: What?

Tony: Go home and take a bath. If you do nothing else, put on some clothes, huh?

Luis: Yeah, I had a complicated day, okay?

Tony: Alright, so take some time off, the girls in there could use a night off too.

Luis: Cuidate.

Tony: Bye-bye, gentlemen.

Armando: Nice boss you got there, stuck up fucking fag!

Luis: Ay, come on.

Armando: I knew that club of yours was bullshit. You gonna take us back to the Heights or what?

(The three head towards Northwood)

Luis: Oye, A! I've been thinking about this: How many days a week you work those corners?

Armando: Seven days. Junkies need junk rain, sleet, or shine.

Luis: You ain't no postman, Loco, you're a pusher. All those hours. You'd make more slinging meat at Burger Shot than risking a bid on them corners.

Armando: You sound like five-o. Shit. You think Henrique could get a job at Burger Shot? What's your IQ, H?

Henrique: Seventy six, motherfucker.

Armando: What they gonna let you do at Burger Shot with an IQ sub eighty?

Henrique: They just about let me wash the god damn dishes.

Armando: You see what I mean, L? They don't even have dishes at Burger Shot. All their shit is polystyrene. There ain't another job in the city for this dumb bastard to do; hourly wage considered, and all.

Henrique: You don't get no pussy working Burger Shot neither.

Armando: If them Ivy League motherfuckers can't find work, what you think Rique is meant to do?

Henrique: Work them corners, man. Work them corners.

Luis: IQ don't mean nothing, man. You guys are better than this. I don't want any of us to go away again.

Armando: Come on board with us. We can start selling our own product. Your connections, man, we'll have the whole city on our gear.

Luis: I took a bid for you once, man. I ain't going back there. You think I put in all this work to go back inside?

Armando: Prison was the best thing to happen to you, L.

Luis: What the fuck are you talking about, man?

Armando: Before you went in there you was a skinny little shit and now you pumped up. Don't tell me that sugar daddy of yours would been interested in the scrawny fucker that went away?

Henrique: Little Luis. Little Luis.

Luis: Oh yeah, thank you so much, man. I never thought about being grateful to you for signing me up to the "fight off hairy ass rapists day and night" exercise plan.

Armando: My fucking pleasure, bro.

(Luis drops the two off in Northwood)

Henrique: Here we be. Thanks, Luis.

Armando: Laters, L. Tell that boss of yours we'll be back same time next week.

Luis: Yeah see you, mama huevos.

Post mission phone call

Tony: Luis?

Luis: Yeah, it's me, Tone. Things go smooth at the clubs?

Tony: Made me wonder why I need you around at all.

Luis: Oh great. I might just take a vacation then.

Tony: Come on. I was kidding. The clubs fell apart without you. Saw that bank robbery on the news. Could have been an opportunity for some positive PR.

Luis: Fuck that shit. I don't need any press like that. Not with the way police treat an ex-con in this town.

Tony: Have it your way. See you soon.

Post mission text message

Could do with some help at Maisonette. Come by during opening hours or I'll see you at the loft. T xx

Failing the mission

Car destroyed with Tony

Tony: All that money on helicopter lessons and you don't even know how to drive? Great.

Alerting security

Tony: What's wrong with you, back on the roids? We got a business to run, you idiot Luis.

Troy dies

Tony: Shit. Troy Let's find a doorman who isn't sexually repressed next time.

Dessie dies

Tony: Jesus, Dessie. Who would have thought running the door here was such a dangerous gig.

Armando dies

Henrique: Oh, man, Armando? Shit. What am I gonna do now?

Henrique dies

Armando: Fuck! Man! Rique. Poor motherfucker.

Car destroyed with Armando & Henrique

Armando: That the queen's car? You ain't gonna be his favorite piece of ass, bro.