Just or Unjust/Script
The following is a script of the radio show Just or Unjust in Grand Theft Auto IV.
WKTT ANNOUNCER: WKTT. Because the battle for America... begins here. WKTT 1066. We Know The Truth!
[Dramatic music starts to play]
ANNOUNCER: Justice is a game, just like the game of Chicken; you've gotta go full steam ahead, and hope the other person runs out of energy or money first. It takes money to play the game right, and get out on top.
JUDGE GRADY: In this court, it's a world where good deeds go undone, morality is severely punished, and random luck can destroy your life. I'm Judge Grady, and this is "Just or Unjust."
[Intense rock music starts to play]
ANNOUNCER: The excitement of a court show...
WOMAN #1: He kicked me in the stomach, Your Honor!
ANNOUNCER: The injustice of an American courtroom...
JUDGE GRADY: I think the wetlands are overprotected anyway. I fine you a million dollars for wasting the court's time! [Gavel bangs] You activist scum!
ANNOUNCER: The tension of a desperate network television show...
MAN: I don't care what your definition of "sodomize" is! I'm gonna show you mine!
ANNOUNCER: All packed together with the incredible excitement of a game show...
JUDGE GRADY: Do you love money? Do you? DO YOU?
WOMAN #2: [Sobbing] Yes?
JUDGE GRADY: Well then, unbutton that blouse!
ANNOUNCER: This is "Just or Unjust": real plaintiffs and defendants in a radio court of law.
[Theme music ends, and a gavel is banged]
JUDGE GRADY: Okay. Let's get on with this. Welcome to my courtroom. I'm Judge Grady. Let's get some justice...right! Today we've got Williams-Jones against Williams-Jones, case number 453. Let's get going. I've already read your opening statements.
LAURIE: Judge Grady, my name is Laurie Williams-Jones. I've been married to my husband Chuck for two years, and all he does is play that wizard online game, Loot-n-wank. He plays until two in the morning sometimes! [Audience gasps] When he comes to bed, he's all grabbing my ass and treating me like a troll, screaming "Two damage! Two damage! Check that ass in the air, troll; I'm about to get agro!" [Audience moans] Can you help me, Judge? I love my husband but I am not an avatar.
JUDGE GRADY: Look. You are an avatar, let's get that straight. We all are, and the sooner people understand that, the better. The reason that your husband is in there looting, and wanking, and slinging his wizard junk around is 'cause you got fat and stopped being sexy. [Audience gasps in shock, minimal applause] I wouldn't even bang ya, and I've done a lot of trolls in my time. Look at yourself, girl. Do something positive for yourself! Get some plastic surgery! [Audience cheers] Chuck, what've you got to say for yourself?
CHUCK: My name is Chuck Williams-Jones. I think my wife is possessed by Satan! She hasn't refilled the ice tray, she hates my parents, she stopped giving me head! She spends all my money, and thinks she's doing me a massive fucking favor sending out Christmas cards! I mean come on! Give me a break, they just raised postage again! Ain't nobody giving a shit about a Christmas card! [Audience groans] Even the ones with a picture of your fucking dog. I don't need to see a picture of your fucking dog in a Santa hat, Goddamn you! [Audience cheers] Can you help my wife see what's up?
JUDGE GRADY: Hmmm... Interesting. And the court notices that you have a hyphenated last name [Audience moans] Williams hyphen Jones. Was that her idea?
CHUCK: Yes, it was, your honor. [Audience boos] I was born Chuck Williams. I went along with it because that's only fair, ya know? I mean, I totally understand that comes from a time when women were considered "property". Women are defective and misbegotten, but I don't own her! I would like to own a human being someday. I mean, like, y'know, I could have me a young, nubile Filipino boy [Audience gasps] and we could sit in my tropical hut and play games, and decide who does what by playing hands-free Catch the Quarter... [Breathes heavily]
JUDGE GRADY: What?! Look what's happened to you! Why you gotta hyphenate? Why you gonna be half a man? She took away your manhood, she emasculated you good and proper. You got some bitch's name on half your shit! Do you pee sitting down?
CHUCK: Ummm..... [Audience gasps]
JUDGE GRADY: DO YOU PEE SITTING DOWN?!
CHUCK: Well, we're equal partners and it's not fair that she has to take the toilet up so I don't really mind...
JUDGE GRADY: Equal partners? You gonna give a man a woman's last name? I'm surprised you haven't started growing tits. For the love of all that is holy in the world...
CHUCK:You know the deal, judge; I have to agree, or I'll never get laid again.
LAURIE: We have an equal household, your honor. [Audience boos] Equal. Equality? He wears tampons whenever I do so that we may both experience the same burden when I'm on my flow.
JUDGE GRADY: Equality?! Give me back that vote, woman! Lemme guess who's at work and busting his ass all day. Lemme guess who makes the most money. I know; it's Chuck! It's the man! [Audience claps and whistles] You know who's made the most money throughout history? The man! Who have been the great leaders? Men! Maybe you had Cleopatra, but Egyptians live in triangles, tetrahedrons and shit. A triangle is not manly! [Audience claps] Who fought the best wars? Men! Who make the best murderers? Men! Who invented the plague? Men! We got it all, bitch! We run this show, and I don't give a fuck who knows it! So what if he wants to come home and spend time online with his guild and pleasure elves, runnin' round with his orc-y friends? Let 'im!
LAURIE: Well, family and our children are the most important. [Audience boos] Our children depend on us. We should be protecting and coddling our children, never letting them out of our sight, keeping electric tabs on them at all times, making them paranoid and neurotic. It's our duty. Children are our future.
JUDGE GRADY: The "future?" Where's your jetpack, boy?
CHUCK: [Sullen] I don't have one, your honor. [Audience goes "Oooh..."]
JUDGE GRADY: That's right, because technology is a lie sent by liberals to kill us, apart from weapons technology which we use to kill other people. There is no future! And you, woman, you disgust me with your liberal ideas! You ever had a three way?
LAURIE: No, your honor, I haven't! That's revolting. [Audience boos]
JUDGE GRADY: No, it is not! What's disgusting is the way you get yourself a dog and the dog hits puberty, and suddenly you realize the dog's undercarriage is really big, or when you watch a nature show and see two elephants mating, or when you vomit a bit your mouth and have to swallow it. [Audience groans]
LAURIE: This is insulting! This is a court of law! All you've given me is a lot of dog penis and woman hating! What is wrong with you, Judge Grady?
JUDGE GRADY: I'm a judge. What exactly did you expect? This isn't a courtroom; it's a studio! And I'm here not only to administer justice, but also get ratings. Listen to me: I'm a judge: I'm wearin' a black dress, aren't I? Do you have any idea what I'm doing up under this bench while I'm looking down at you? [Audience gasps; Grady suddenly goes quiet] Ooh...I'm gonna have to retire to my quarters and think about this.
[Gavel is banged, music plays]
ANNOUNCER: While Judge Grady is back in his chambers making his decision, let's talk to a few people in the courtroom audience. Madam, what do you think? Who's in the right here?
WOMAN: I can really empathize with Laurie. Guys only care about women in revealing medieval clothing who take it up the back door!
ANNOUNCER: And what about you, sir?
MAN: Uh, I really liked the part where they talk about elephants doing it?
ANNOUNCER: We'll be back after this on Just or Unjust.
WKTT ANNOUNCER: WKTT 1066: because the liberal media wants to give your country to an illegal immigrant. [Bang] WKTT. We Know The Truth!
AUDIENCE: Just or Unjust!
[Music being played] We're back on "Just or Unjust." Judge Grady is coming back into the courtroom with his decision.
[Gavel bangs, and music stops]
JUDGE GRADY: Okay, all rise! [Audience stands] Please be seated. [Audience sits] I thought about this for a while, and I've come to a decision. Will you both please approach the bench? Okay, Chuck? Face Laurie. Now, Chuck, raise your hand. Repeat after me: "I love you, baby-"
CHUCK: "I love you, baby-" [Audience "aww"s]
JUDGE GRADY: "-and I will always remember-"
CHUCK: "-and I will always remember-"
JUDGE GRADY: "-how good this felt."
CHUCK: "-how good this felt."
JUDGE GRADY: Now, smack that bitch! [Audience gasps, sound of slap]
LAURIE: Ow! What the fuck!
JUDGE GRADY: [Laughing] Alright, that was just for my own pleasure; I just love domestic violence. Okay! Time for "Just or Unjust!" Courtroom audience names the game; the defendant and the plaintiff have to play it. How should we decide this case?
MAN #1: Fist fight! [Audience starts cheering]
MAN #2: Garotting!
MAN #3: Duel!
AUDIENCE: Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel! Duel!
JUDGE GRADY: Wow! [Audience starts stomping their feet and clapping their hands, a la "We Will Rock You"] Seems pretty unanimous; that's my kind of jury! We're gonna have to go with "Duel or No Duel": solving things the American way! [Sound of a case being opened] Here are your pistols; winner gets a thousand dollars and a flight to- [Sound of gun being grabbed, audience gasps]
LAURIE: [Screams] No!
CHUCK: I've had enough of you, stupid whore.
LAURIE: [Sobbing] No, don't do i-
[Gunshot, audience cheers]
JUDGE GRADY: Chuck! You're supposed to wait until I give you the signal! We got time to fill! We don't go to commercial for three minutes! Don't you watch TV, son?! Now I got a dead plaintiff on my courtroom floor. I'm gonna sentence you to thirty days, [Audience groans] while you think about what you did to my ratings!
[Gavel bangs, music starts]
ANNOUNCER: Let's see what our studio audience thinks. Madam, was that justice?
LATINO WOMAN: I don't know: they came here with a minor domestic dispute about him playing too many computer games; then, under Judge Grady's incredible jurisdiction, he ended up shooting her in the back. Yes, I'd say that was justice!
JUDGE GRADY: Join us for the next episode of "Just or Unjust"! Remember: it ain't justice 'til I say so, and today we saw real justice practiced by real people in a real court of law! So if you go breaking the law, remember the Justice-Entertainment System may be watching!
AUDIENCE: Just or Unjust!
ANNOUNCER: See you next time on "Just or Unjust"!
Announcer: Justice is a game just like a game where you play doctor and the other boy takes advantage of you and you block it out for years. It takes money to play the game right and if you run outta money, you'll run outta justice and straight into therapy.
Grady: In this court, I am the law. I'm Judge Grady and this is Just or Unjust.
Announcer: The scripted drama of a court show.
Woman: But I'm the mother of his son.
Grady: That doesn't mean he can't get some on the side.
Announcer: The injustice of an American court room.
Grady: Somebody give me head and I'll wave the charges.
Announcer: The tension of a desperate network trying to stave off its own self imposed death rattle by making a mockery of our justice system.
Man: But he put me in a wheelchair. And I've gotta save the world in the next half an hour, including commercials.
Grady: I'm tired of your fake sob stories. How am I supposed to believe you lost your legs? Now wheel on outta here, lieutenant before I push down the stairs myself.
Announcer: All packed together with the incredible excitement of a gameshow.
Grady: Okay, you have ten seconds to tell the truth or you'll be set on fire.
Woman: This isn't fair!
Grady: Ha. Welcome to American justice, lady.
Announcer: This is Just or Unjust with Judge Grady. It's the hard world of radio justice. Real plaintiffs and offendents in a radio court of law.
Grady: Today we've got Allen vs. Davis. Case 465. Okay, I read your opening statements. Let's get going. Before me is Lavar Davis and Angela Allen. You two used to be in a relationship and Mrs. Allen is suing you for $5,000 to fix damages to her car you did with a baseball bat? Mr. Davis, can you explain yourself.
Davis: Your Honor, that female is crazy.
Grady: Yeah, yeah. Sounds like the truth to me. Court is adjourned.
Allen: Hey. You're not even gonna hear my side of it?
Grady: Oh well shit. We got some time to kill. Why not? Approach the bench, Mrs. Allen.
Allen: Okay, yes, Your Honor.
Grady: Now sit on my lap.
Allen: Ummm... okay.
Grady: There, there, isn't that better? Now tell me what happened to you, baby while I stroke your back.
Allen: Well I was together with Lavar for a year and he started acting real crazy. Hey! What are you doing?
Grady: Shh, woman, woman. Shh. Calm down. I'm soothing you. It's part of the legal process. Now, Mr. Davis.
Davis: Yes, Judge Grady I mean we were together for a while. She was fine, she's carries herself well and she's got big ??? if you know what I mean.
Grady: She sure does. I'm feeling 'em right now. Hold still, girl.
Davis: But she's evil and a cheater. She scratched my brand new truck. I needed a truck because I'm an accountant.
Grady: Is that so? you scratched his truck? His new accountancy truck? The kind of truck a man who works in a office ??? so he can feel like a man again? What kind of woman scratches a man's truck? That's his manhood you're scratching. The very essence of his masculinity.
Allen: He sits outside my house all times of the night. He's out there in the morning watching me. I go to the store, he's peering at me through Sprunk bottles on aisle seven.
Davis: I'm not a stalker, Your Honor. Not after my last conviction. I'm just trying to get some information. These are fact finding missions.
Grady: What kind of information?
Davis: Like who's she's screwing so I can kill him.
Allen: You see, Your Honor? He's psychotic. He's... Hey. What are you- touching. Why are you touching my hair?
Grady: It sure is lovely. So tell me, Mr. Davis, what did you do then?
Davis: Well I was really mad about my truck so I went to my quiet place after my yoga class, meditated, deep breathing and then I kinda accidentally beat all the windows out of her car with a baseball bat, peed in the front seat, slashed the tires and took a dump in the air filter.
Grady: You shit in the air filter?! Ah ha ha ha ha! Give it up, my man. That's cold.
Davis: Yeah so everytime she turns on the air conditioner, her car smells like my shit.
Grady: Ha. That's right. That's right. That's ingenuity right there. That's what got us outta the primordial ??? and into luxury condos and plasma TVs and robotic dogs. Good going, I like your style. Now see, girl? That's why you are the undisputed weaker sex and we are humiliating you on the radio. Name one woman wrestler who was any good. Name the first woman on the moon. Ha trick question. Name one woman pro football player. How many women wrote Shakespeare's plays? Answer me. You can't. And you are gonna have to go through life as the weaker sex. I mean, tell me, girl, did you deserve all this?
Allen: No. I mean, he owes me. He's got a good job and I had his child.
Grady: You two have a baby?!
Davis: Yes, Your Honor, we did. But I tried to do the right thing and push it down the stairs like you recommended on one of your shows. But she had it anyway. then I tried to sell it on the internet.
Grady: Good deal. Mrs. Allen?
Allen: He acted like he isn't the father. I had to do everything on my own. I didn't sleep for six months.
Grady: You're a terrible mother. I can tell by listening to you.
Grady: But I love my son.
Davis: When I met her, I was twenty-four, she said she was twenty-three but she really thirteen.
Allen: No I didn't. I told you I was thirteen.
Davis: Well they sound alike.
Allen: You told me it was okay because you were from South Carolina.
Davis: How do I know it's my baby anyhow?
Grady: The DNA test says so.
Davis: What is DNA? I've never seen it and I'm an accountant. How are you gonna believe in something you can't see? I can't see the wind.
Grady: Ain't that the truth. I ain't ever seen DNA or stem cell. Or a law degree for that matter. I'm gonna have to retire to my quarters and think about this.
Announcer: Judge Grady is taking Mrs. Allen back to his quarters to discuss his decision. Let's talk to a few people on the courtoom audience. Sir, what do you think? Who is in the right here?
Man: He really has a lot of explaining to do. He pushed her down the stairs. That's no way to get rid of a girlfriend.
Announcer: And what about you ma'am?
Woman: I'm gonna try that thing with the air filter.
Announcer: We'll be back after this on Just or Unjust.
WKTT Announcer: WKTT, because I love my country and if you don't, fuck you and your fat wife. WKTT 1066. Talk radio for people who are always right.
Announcer: We're back on Just or Unjust. With a case of the scratched truck and the underage fuck. Judge Grady is back in the court room with his decision.
Grady: Okay, all rise. Please be seated, now rise again. Now get down. Yeah, that's right. This portion of Just or Unjust is brought to you by America's Next Top Hooker on CNT. Okay you know how this works. Court room audience names the game. The defendant and the plaintiff have to play it. How should we decide this case?
Man: Make them eat glass.
Woman: Put a box of bees on their heads.
Man: Cannibalism. Let us eat them both.
Woman: Gladiator cage.
Audience: Gladiator cage! Gladiator cage! Gladiator cage!
Grady: Okay, we haven't had this one in a while. Both of you step into the cage. Okay, on the floor you will find a sword, a mace, a flail, a hammer and two tridents. Choose your weapon. Okay, now are you ready?
Allen & Davis: Yes.
Grady: Release the lions!
Davis: What the fuck?
Allen: Ah! Oh my God!
Grady: Ah ha ha ha. That'll teach you to screw with a man's truck. Damn! That lion ripped off her arm.
Davis: Dumb bitch that's what you get.
Grady: Oh, he's coming after you, Mr. Davis.
Grady: Nice. By the throat. That's what you get for hooking up with a young girl and stalking her in the super market. Let this be a lesson to you all. Two wrongs don't make a right. Damn. I love justice. What did we learn today? We learned that passion can be your undoing. That sensationalist shows like this, celebrity worship, ignoring politics, it feels good like I just wake up each morning and wrap my big hands around the American dream and choke the life out of it. Now, studio audience, when the lion is done, you guys can go in and eat the rest.
Announcer: Let's see what our studio audience thinks. Sir, was that justice?
Man: Sure was. I mean, man. When a couple don't get on. Rather than a messy separation, what Judge Grady gave us today was two people being messily separated by lions. That shit was dope.
Announcer: And you madam?
Woman: Wow, I knew it. Tastes just like chicken.
Audience: Just or Unjust!
Announcer: See you next time on Just or Unjust.