The Incredible Kleinman/Script

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Kleinman's First Performance

Announcer: We have two great acts coming up. First, The Incredible Kleinman!

(Strange Music plays as the curtain opens to reveal Kleinman lying down on a table facing the audience with his female assistant, Laurel standing beside him.)

Kleinman: Welcome. I am constantly asked, "Kleinman, when did you discover you were magic?"

(Laurel shifts to other side of table)

Kleinman: Have you ever used your powers for good? Like making cancer patients or nuclear warheads disappear? One man even asked me, "Can you make my masculinity disappear?"

(laughter)

(Kleinman gets off of table)

Kleinman: But I am here to entertain you, not your bi-curious fantasies. I will now make my assistant... Float! I will defeat gravity, I will be the master of Isaac Newton!

(Laurel lays down on table)

(Kleinman holds out both hands towards Laurel)

Kleinman: Now... Arise!

(Laurel arises, the audience applauds)

(Kleinman runs to other side of stage)

Kleinman: Arise!

Runs to other side of stage

Kleinman: Arise!

(Laurel arises higher, audience continues to applaud.)

Kleinman: Yes, there! There! Higher! Higher! Higher!

(Laurel rises)

Kleinman: Lower!

(Laurel falls slightly)

Kleinman: Higher!

(Laurel rises)

Kleinman: Lower!

(Laurel falls slightly)

(Runs to other side of stage)

Kleinman: Ah yes, I can make this filthy woman fall under my dominion. Oh arise! Yes!

Guy in crowd: You suck, asshole!

(Kleinman turns towards crowd)

Kleinman: Eat shit!

(Laurel smashes to the stage floor, music stops, crowd gasps, Kleinman turns to laurels body)

Kleinman: AAAGH!!!! LAUREL!?! LAUREL!?!

(Kleinman checks on Laurel's body)

(Kleinman starts to cry)

Kleinman: Oh, Laurel you're... oh, you're a quadriplegic!

(Curtain Closes)

Announcer: Don't worry, everybody. She's probably only paraplegic!

See also