Split Sides/Script: Difference between revisions
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===Routine 2=== | ===Routine 2=== | ||
'''Announcer''': Mr. Ricky Gervais! | |||
'''Gervais''': Whoa, ah, thank you. Yeah it really is me. Calm down. I do a lot of work for charity. I don't do enough; they say you can always do more. But I look at it like this, it's a pain, ain't it? Nothing in it for me. Do a lot of work for, um, cancer. That's my chosen charity. Do a lot of work for people with cancer. And they're welcome to it. But I will say this, if I ever get cancer myself, I'm going to walk into the nearest hospital and go right; I paid for that machine, get that little bald fucker off it. Talking of um, little bald fuckers, I did the teenage cancer gig last year. What? No I done it, two years before, but they called again last year. "We're still ill...". You lasted. It's a great gig though, the kids with cancer get in for free, and you meet them afterwards, and... you know, they come backstage and you sign stuff for them, and... I was doing the gig, this last year, and I looked down and I recognized one of them. And I thought, oh yeah, he came back stage two years ago. He was telling me about his illness and he said he was eighteen. And that was then, that was two years ago, so now he must be twenty - so how the fuck is he still a teenager? And I was doing the gig, and he was laughing along, and I was thinking, "Yeah, you laugh it up mate", I was fuming. And eventually it got too much for me. And I went, "Alright mate, I recognize you... ". I went, "'ello, yeah, you came backstage two years ago?". He went "Yeah", I said "You said you were eighteen then?", he went "Yeah... ", "So you're twenty now?". He went "Yeah". I said, "Get out!". And I called security. And they came, and he struggled, but he was weak. I mean, I think they worked out, 'cause they... although they had trouble getting hold of him to start with, d'you know...? but eventually they... his drip nearly had someone's eye out. The crowd started booing, I went "Hear that? They don't want to see someone like you take the piss out of me." No money. I do a lot of work for AIDS as well. I've worked for AIDS charities for many years, from... the mid- to late-eighties. And back then people, they didn't know what this new disease, what's this new disease called AIDS? I mean it's gone from strength to strength now hasn't it? It's gone global, it's doing very well. Got its own day and everything. World AIDS day. First of December. I don't think it'll ever take off like Christmas. We don't do anything in our house. No decorations. You can't even get a card... They don't do "Sorry You Got AIDS" cards. They don't exist. Ahh, fascinating fact about AIDS - people always learn stuff from my lectures, this is absolutely true. The HIV virus was actually a combination of two separate viruses in rhesus monkeys. And it formed a, a rudimentary form of AIDS. And ah, this was passed to chimpanzees. Sometimes chimps would get a bloodlust, and they'll eat a rhesus monkey. And it sort of mutated and evolved in chimpanzees. And because we're ninety-eight point six percent genetically identical to chimpanzees, it was able to be passed to humans. And the first human contracted AIDS when he was chopping up chimp meat and cut his finger. Although that's the excuse I'd've given. You'd have to come up with something wouldn't you? Doctor goes, "Well, you're the first human to contract AIDS". And you go, "Is that bad?", "Yeah, it can be", "Well, how would I've got that?" "Two ways: one - you were fucking a chimp up the arse... ". "Fucking a chimp up the arse? No... No way. What's the other way I could have got it?" "Ah, well I suppose you could have been chopping up a chimp and cut your finger?" "That one." I bet he went straight out to the jungle and found that chimp, and went, "Oi! You fucking gave me AIDS!" "I gave you what?" "You gave me AIDS" "I gave you a blowjob". "Shush! No, I got AIDS from you!" "Well how did I get AIDS?" "From eating monkeys." "I don't eat monkeys!" "You were either eatin' 'em or fucking 'em." "I was eating them. Tastes like chicken." That's how it happened. Thanks very much, good night. | |||
===Routine 3=== | ===Routine 3=== | ||
[[Category:GTA IV Scripts]] | [[Category:GTA IV Scripts]] | ||