Split Sides/Script

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The following is a script of all the routines at Split Sides in Grand Theft Auto IV.

Katt Williams

Routine 1

Announcer: Let's hear it, Liberty City, for Mr. Katt Williams!

Katt: Thank you... thank you.Thank you very much, I appreciate it. You can cut that, sir... Thank you, Liberty City. What a pleasure to be here at this motherfucking club. You are kickin' the shit out of the club on the other side of town, Club Bullshit. I'll never play there again. It's like livin' in a studio apartment again, you ever been in a studio apartment? It's ridiculous... because it's got everything, but nothing. Like you see the livingroom, it's right there. There's the kitchen corner, right there, set up. It's just so small you can do everything from the center it's... You become a spider. You just... Oh wait, a minute, hold on, that's my fax machine. Got it. All right then, let me open up the refrigerator. Who, who... who left my shower curtain open like that, that is ridiculous. Somebody's at the door, hello? Hey, c'mon in, let's sit on the couch. Well it's a love seat but you could sit... That's how the other club was, just that small. I'm enjoying being here in Liberty City, it's crazy. Gotta have a car here, it would seem 'cuz, you motherfuckers walk too fast for me. Liberty Ci... where the fuck? Are y'all goin' somewhere? Is there a rave or some shit that I don't know about that everybody's rushin' to get to? Three o'clock in the morning, five o'clock in the morning, nine, noon, three... motherfuckers just... If you're not careful, you accidentally be walkin' with 'em... you don't even have anywhere to go, you was just tryin' to ask if there was a Bean Machine somewhere in the local vicinity so you can get you a Bean-a-frap-a-capuccino or something. So you just walkin like this, like... "Excuse me is there a coffee shop around here?" I've already passed it by the time I got done walking. You can't talk to the girls, the girls move too fast. They sure are pretty in Liberty City, though. Pretty girls in Liberty City... but they're moving, fuckin'... you gotta... you're like an auctioneer. ExcusememaamcouldI.... Hitherehowareyou.... Excusemedoyouhaveahusband... HiI'mnewtoLiberty... They're gone, gone, just moving so fuckin' fast, it's ridiculous. So I decided I was gonna get a car but you gotta be careful... gotta be careful 'cuz shopping for a car is dangerous. You got a raggedy car you go to the lot... These motherfuckers keep tryin' to trick you. Don't take the test drive, that's all I'm gonna say, don't take the fuckin' test drive. Test drive is the trick, it's to show you how much better this shit is, than your shit, so you can't even go back to your car again. Here I been sittin' on vinyl with creases on in my back and become accustomed to the raggedyness of the seat. And these motherfuckers put me in a chair, I didn't even wanna drive the car. I wanted to watch television, I was just laying there comfortable. "Test drive it! Test drive it!" Don't do it. Don't do it, especially if you ain't got good credit, because they become two different sales persons. Right, when you first walk in they the friendliest motherfuckers in the world, make you feel good about yourself... "How are you, Sir? Might I offer you some popcorn... some ch... some uh, some uh... cheese, uh, bits and, uh, some coffee?" Well that's an odd combination but I haven't had popcorn in a while, don't mind if I do, thank you! Coffee, yes! Yes I'll have.. and you said cheese bits? I don't think I'm even familiar with cheese bits, of course I'll have some of them... Wine ya and dine ya, make you feel good about it, and then they go in the back room and check your fuckin' credit, and come out like you're an alien from another land, just... "Sir... I just ran your credit score. You think this is a motherfuckin' game? Huh? Sir, let me just say, if you had thirty-five thousand dollars cash, I couldn't let you put ten percent down on a car that cost nine dollars, Do you understand what the fu.. ? Get the fu... What we can do is, we can recommend you... to a Liberty City transit official, who can give your motherfuckin' ass a bus pass... til you learn how to properly use credit!" Y'all been great, I been Katt Williams. Thank you so much, Liberty City.

Routine 2

Announcer: Welcome the pimp himself, Mr. Katt Williams!

Katt: Thank you. Thank you. Thanks you ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. You're far too kind. Thank you. All right you can cut that. It's a pleasure. A pleasure to be here in Liberty City owww! Liberty City: all party, all the time. Crazy Liberty City, anything goes. Everything's crazy. Weed is illegal. Ain't that a motherfuck...? They should have put that in the motherfucking brochure. Feel free to come to Liberty City but weed is illegal. Kind of cockamamie shit is this? Weed is illegal. How the fuck can you make a plant illegal? Weed is just a plant. It's just a plant. It just grows like that and, if you should happen to set it on fire, there are some effects. That's not the same as drugs. Drugs you got to do shit to it chemically. You gotta add baking soda, water, stir it up. I don't know know the recipe, I'm just saying there's some shit you gotta do to it. It's ridiculous. Weed ain't never hurt nobody. Aspirin is perfectly legal, but if you take thirteen of them motherfuckers it'll be your last headache. Long as you have been living you ain't never heard of a motherfucker overdose on marijuana. You might have thought that nigga was dead, he aint dead, he gonna wake up in 30 minutes, hungry enough to eat up everything in your house. That's the side effects. Hungry, happy, sleepy. That's it. Meanwhile, legal pill's got side effects to it. Yeah, side effects. And the side effects is worse than the shit that it's curing. And I'm thinking nobody's noticing this but me. I'm just saying that I'm taking some shit for asthma; I don't need the side effect to be shortness of breath. That's what the fuck I came to you for. Lot of crazy shit in Liberty City. I been all around this motherfucker, I ain't seen a dog, or a cat yet. Hmm, just thought about it didn't you? Go ahead, think back. No, that wasn't a dog. That were probably a short person like myself, bending over to pick up something. You might have thought it was a dog, that's not a rottweiler motherfucker, that's me. Dropped some money. No dogs, no fuckin' cats, and I know you thinking, well how's that important? Cause what's next, short people? Where they gonna cut the line, five' five"? five' six"? Who the fuck? You don't know! You don't know! Just one day, whoosh, all the short people gone. It's just be you tall-ass freaks left here to fend for yourselves. Don't ask me to pick up shit from down there, I can't do it cus I ain't fuckin here! Me or the dogs, or the cats. It's a crazy place, everything's crazy about here. The fans in Liberty City are crazy. Let me just say something. If you six foot ninety-nine, don't walk up on me all aggressive trying to tell me how much you love me. You scaring the shit out of me. "Hey, son... hey, son, welcome to Liberty City son, you... you funny as fuck, son." Wait a minute. Lady, I don't let motherfuckers jus' spit on me while they talking, that's just ridiculous. They got a guy selling CDs. Motherfucker won't even tell you what's on the CD. He done wrote his name in crayon on the CD, just passing it to you. Passing it... passed it to me so fast I had already bought it before I knew what was going on. I just walked up to him, hey, how you doing? What the fuck, a CD? Here's five. What the fuck just happened? Why everything gotta move so fast around here anyway? I want to slow down and relax but you can't do that no way cause weed is illegal. Anyway, that's been all my motherfucking time. Thank you so much. Liberty City I appreciate it. Thanks for the love, Katt Williams, have a good night.

Routine 3

Announcer: Coming to the Split Sides Comedy Club stage, give it up for Mr. Katt Williams!

Katt: What's going on Liberty City, how are you? Good to see everybody out there tonight. It's a beautiful night. DJ's playin' my favorite song, could you jus' play it one more time? It makes me... it makes me feel strong, like I... I don't know if you've heard this song or not, but it makes me feel strong. Hold it, just play it one more time, lemme see if I can.... Okay, hold on, hold on. All I... A song like this you need it... You need it as your alarm clock, so you can wake up in the morning to some gangsta shit. You just be in the bed, just waitin' on it... jus'... Go on and play it... Ok, don't play it again, sorry, I'm just sayin' it's the shit, that's all I'm sayin'. The song is the shit. That's the national anthem for anybody who ever hustled at all. Even if you a librarian, play that song in the library and see if it ain't the shit! You just be in the library, jus' mindin' your business... It's jus'.. Okay, don't play it again sir, don't play it again... Jus' sayin' the song's the shit, s'all I'm sayin'. All I'm sayin' is if you went to Heaven and that song was playin', you know it's gonna be a party in Heaven... you jus' walk in Heaven, you jus'... Okay... stop it sir, I said don't play it again... jus' sayin' it's the shit. Sayin' if you went to the grocery store and that song was playin', you'd buy everything in that bitch, knowin' you ain't got but seventy-eight Liberty City dollars. You just in the store, jus'... Okay, sir... I said don't play it again. I'm jus' sayin' the song's the shit, s'all I'm sayin'. I'm sayin' it's good for everything. Fellas, if you havin' a problem in your relationship, stop fuckin' you woman to slow songs... Tonight, try some special shit. Some shit you picked up from your friend Katt Williams. Fuck her to some gangsta shit. Just as soon as it comes on, you jus' by the bed, jus'... She'll be looking at you like this, like, "I gotta go to work in the morning, what the fuck is wrong with you?". Jus' sayin' the song's the shit... Jus' sayin', if you worked at Burger Shot, somebody came through the drive thru and ordered a Number 7... And you looked around and nobody was in that bitch but you... If you could just put that song on the P.A. system you'd be okay... You jus' in the Burger Shot, jus'... Ladies and Gentlemen... Katt Williams... I'm a rockstar. Liberty City. You know what it is... thank you so much, I appreciate you...

Ricky Gervais

Routine 1

Announcer: And now, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Gervais: Whoah. Thank you. Hi, wow thank you very much. What a lovely welcome. As you know I do a lot of charity work, but in all honesty, I think that some causes are more worthy than others. Obviously cancer is a very worthy cause, AIDS is a very worthy cause, but I got asked to do a benefit gig recently for sufferers of obesity. What? Sufferers of obesity. I said "You mean fat people?", she went, "No because obes...". Well, she actually went, "No because obe...", she was eating. So she went, "Obesity is a disease". I went, "No it's not, is it? No it's not, you just like eating, don't you?" How is that a disease? "Oh I'm so fucking ill..." num, num, "Oh I'm well ill". I went "What's the disease?". She went "Everything tastes good". Everything? "Not salads". That's not a disease, leprosy is a disease. Can you imagine Jesus in the Temple, people coming up to him in bandages, going "Jesus my flesh is falling off"? And he goes "I cant stop now - there's a fat woman over there on her third pie". Saw a documentary about a woman who was three hundred and fifty pounds, cause she ate ten pie and chips a day. That'll do it. Ten pie and chips a day, ten separate meals, ten separate trips to the chip shop. In a cab, didn't even walk that. Wasted calories. So in this documentary they wired her jaw together, to try and stop her eating. So she liquidized ten pie and chips a day. Pie smoothies. Now she's not even chewing, that used up ten calories. So, er, they took her to hospital... to give her that operation where they staple your stomach together. And she was sitting there in hospital, looking all depressed, well you can't eat for an hour before an operation can ya? And she went , "It's, it's a dangerous operation, but it's the only option left". One, jogging? Oh you don't even walk. Um... Salads? You don't like salads, ok. Nine pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it? They make excuses, don't they, fat people? They say things like... "It's glandular". It's not glandular, it's greed. "It's big bones". Yeah, big bones covered in meat and gravy. Unbelievable, always complain. "Oh... aeroplane seats... They're not big enough for someone like me." No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane. "It's not fair." It is fair, you ate too much. And if we're talking about fairness, and aeroplanes, why is it that I get the same luggage allowance as a guy who's four hundred pounds? We're both allowed thirty-two kilograms on the plane. I wanna go "No, he used up his thirty-two kilograms on his tits!". Thanks very much, goodnight. Enjoy your meals. Not you, you've had enough.

Routine 2

Announcer: Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Gervais: Whoa, ah, thank you. Yeah it really is me. Calm down. I do a lot of work for charity. I don't do enough; they say you can always do more. But I look at it like this, it's a pain, ain't it? Nothing in it for me. Do a lot of work for, um, cancer. That's my chosen charity. Do a lot of work for people with cancer. And they're welcome to it. But I will say this, if I ever get cancer myself, I'm going to walk into the nearest hospital and go right; I paid for that machine, get that little bald fucker off it. Talking of um, little bald fuckers, I did the teenage cancer gig last year. What? No I done it, two years before, but they called again last year. "We're still ill...". You lasted. It's a great gig though, the kids with cancer get in for free, and you meet them afterwards, and... you know, they come backstage and you sign stuff for them, and... I was doing the gig, this last year, and I looked down and I recognized one of them. And I thought, oh yeah, he came back stage two years ago. He was telling me about his illness and he said he was eighteen. And that was then, that was two years ago, so now he must be twenty - so how the fuck is he still a teenager? And I was doing the gig, and he was laughing along, and I was thinking, "Yeah, you laugh it up mate", I was fuming. And eventually it got too much for me. And I went, "Alright mate, I recognize you... ". I went, "'ello, yeah, you came backstage two years ago?". He went "Yeah", I said "You said you were eighteen then?", he went "Yeah... ", "So you're twenty now?". He went "Yeah". I said, "Get out!". And I called security. And they came, and he struggled, but he was weak. I mean, I think they worked out, 'cause they... although they had trouble getting hold of him to start with, d'you know...? but eventually they... his drip nearly had someone's eye out. The crowd started booing, I went "Hear that? They don't want to see someone like you take the piss out of me." No money. I do a lot of work for AIDS as well. I've worked for AIDS charities for many years, from... the mid- to late-eighties. And back then people, they didn't know what this new disease, what's this new disease called AIDS? I mean it's gone from strength to strength now hasn't it? It's gone global, it's doing very well. Got its own day and everything. World AIDS day. First of December. I don't think it'll ever take off like Christmas. We don't do anything in our house. No decorations. You can't even get a card... They don't do "Sorry You Got AIDS" cards. They don't exist. Ahh, fascinating fact about AIDS - people always learn stuff from my lectures, this is absolutely true. The HIV virus was actually a combination of two separate viruses in rhesus monkeys. And it formed a, a rudimentary form of AIDS. And ah, this was passed to chimpanzees. Sometimes chimps would get a bloodlust, and they'll eat a rhesus monkey. And it sort of mutated and evolved in chimpanzees. And because we're ninety-eight point six percent genetically identical to chimpanzees, it was able to be passed to humans. And the first human contracted AIDS when he was chopping up chimp meat and cut his finger. Although that's the excuse I'd've given. You'd have to come up with something wouldn't you? Doctor goes, "Well, you're the first human to contract AIDS". And you go, "Is that bad?", "Yeah, it can be", "Well, how would I've got that?" "Two ways: one - you were fucking a chimp up the arse... ". "Fucking a chimp up the arse? No... No way. What's the other way I could have got it?" "Ah, well I suppose you could have been chopping up a chimp and cut your finger?" "That one." I bet he went straight out to the jungle and found that chimp, and went, "Oi! You fucking gave me AIDS!" "I gave you what?" "You gave me AIDS" "I gave you a blowjob". "Shush! No, I got AIDS from you!" "Well how did I get AIDS?" "From eating monkeys." "I don't eat monkeys!" "You were either eatin' 'em or fucking 'em." "I was eating them. Tastes like chicken." That's how it happened. Thanks very much, good night.

Routine 3

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais!

Gervais: Hi, How you doing? Cheers, thanks. I have been known... to have a go at fat people, but the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself.

Audience: No shit!

Gervais: Someone shouted, "No shit". Could be that. Forty years build up. I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour, and I've had medicals before for TV work, and they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine". But I went along to the doctor, and he said, uh... "Oh, it's a bit more thorough than usual, you know, it's a big tour. We need a urine sample." I've never had to do that before, so ah... you know, I went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold. Gave it back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?". I thought, "This is thorough." So I stripped down to my boxer shorts, "Ah for fuu..." The one day I wear white boxer shorts... big wet patch from the wee. Well, why didn't he warn me? Why didn't he say, "Be careful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I... So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do. I told my friend, and my friend went: "You should have gone commando! "Well, that would have been less embarrassing, wouldn't it? So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and I go, "Oh God, I've wet myself, what can I do? I know!" Go commando... do commandos not wear pants? Why is it called goin' comm....? They must wear pants... I dunno, any commandos in... do you wear...? "Why you... Why you not wearing pants?" "What do you mean, cuz' we're commandos? They... They're gonna see that, at least camouflage it!" "Put a little... well, now it's getting bigger, why's it getting bii...??? Look, there's barbed wire up... you're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...?!" Go commando. But I am a bit overweight... I never worried about that before I was famous. And I'm not more vain now, it's that, you read about yourself... and the papers, they need an adjective. They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian". They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian". Why bring that into it? "Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian." Rotund?!!! That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund! One called me a Chubby Funster! That's a gay porn name! I was jogging once, listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player. "Oh yeah, looking good." Paparazzi got me. Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline... "IPodge". Cheeky bastards. Thanks very much, good night!