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Caught with your Pants Down/Script

< Caught with your Pants Down

The following is a script of the mission Caught with your Pants Down in The Ballad of Gay Tony.



Yusuf: Shoulders! We're getting Arab money. We're getting Arab money. Ho, ho, ho, ho! And again. Let's go.

Luis: Hey, bro.

Yusuf: Nigga! Yo, this is Jonelle...Jonelle, nigga.

Luis: I think you want to moderate your use of the word, bro. It's not fuckin' cool, alright?

Jonelle: Listen, are we going to do this or what? I'm on the fucking clock, man.

Yusuf: Chill, baby. Get into it. Feel it. Let's go!

Luis: Yo, what's wrong with you, man?

Yusuf: Nothing wrong with me, homeboy. I am going to build the biggest fucking building in this fucking town. The biggest. My name will go down in history.

Luis: Yeah, I don't doubt that, man. What did you want?

Yusuf: Well, I heard from a friend, that we can get some real hardware...bit like that chopper but better, partner. Better.

Luis: Yeah, I don't think I can handle any more of that shit, partner.

Yusuf: I'm talking something seriously intense. How about...a mother ...fucking...N.O.O.S.E. tank? Give it up, bro. Come on. Come on!

Luis: What do you need a N.O.O.S.E. tank for, man? What are you crime fighting now?

Yusuf: I want it. Come on baby, you and me. Doing our tank thing. Just rolling like some Desert Storm niggas. Chinese person. Bye bye nigga!

Luis: You're fucking ridiculous, man.

Yusuf: Hey, man. What is it, money? Is it money you want? Here, here. Have it. But come on, let's go get this thing... Come on! Come on, baby, get up. Come on, let's go again. To the left. We're getting Arab money. Come on, baby. We're getting Arab money.

(Yusuf's father walks in)

Abdul: Yusuf!

Yusuf: Oh, Poppa! What are you doing here? Welcome! Welcome, Poppa. This is my business associate... err err... Mr... uh.

Luis: Luis.

Yusuf: Mr. Lewis. Y'Allah, he is the greatest technical advisor in the whole city. And this is his wife, Jaundice.

Jonelle: Careful, motherfucker. Yo.

Luis: Hey.

Yusuf: Yes. And you know...we were just having a little creative meeting and things went a bit crazy and I somehow lost my pants. But you know, Poppa, I tell you are looking- you're looking- very well, in fact.

Abdul: I knew how disrespectful you were, but I didn't realize quite how shameful you were.

Yusuf:T hings are not how they look.

Abdul: Things do not look good, son.

Yusuf: Don't judge a book by its cover, Father. That's what you taught me.

Abdul: When a book is called "Guns, Drugs, Hookers, and No Pants" I think I don't need to read it.

Yusuf: Poppa, you know, these people... They mean nothing to me. In fact, they are just going. Go, get out. You, Mr. Lewis, take your wife, Mrs. Lewis. And may I say, madam, this is not a very appropriate way for a married woman to dress. I told them many times father, this is a disrespectful way to dress. Do they listen to me? Oh no, never! And you, by the way- I will text you in about one minute about the tank, okay?

Luis: The N.O.O.S.E. tank?

Yusuf: Shhhh. Go and leave right now! And don't you dare come back without uh- uh- knocking...first. These people are a disgrace, Poppa. But I tell you, moving swiftly on you will be proud of my plans. I want to show you for the Imperial Amir Towers. I tell you, Poppa, magisterial doesn't do justice to it!


(Yusuf calls Luis)

Luis: Yusuf?

Yusuf: Luis, I think I can give old papadap the slip. Meet me in Star Junction.

Luis: Really, bro?

Yusuf: I'm coming, dada. Just hold on. See you soon, my friend.

(Yusuf recklessly flies his helicopter into Star Junction)

Yusuf: Coming through, baby. Clear some space.


Yusuf: I'm going to own this square. Get out my way.

Yusuf: Clear out the way, motherfuckers.

(Yusuf lands the helicopter on the street)

Yusuf: Your helicopter has arrived. Come on, homie. Let's go.


Yusuf: Transport has arrived for Mr. Luis Lopez. Jump on board.

Yusuf: Come on, man. Get in.

(Luis enters the helicopter)

Yusuf: You fly, man. I'm getting cramp.


Yusuf: Take the stick, big hitter. I can't be seen driving my own chopper.

Yusuf: Mind flying this thing, man? I nearly crashed into a water tower on my way here - scary shit.

Yusuf: They're airlifting the tank across town. Let's intercept the bitch.


Yusuf: We got to intercept this NOOSE tank. They're airlifting her across the city.

Yusuf: Time to fucking party. They got the NOOSE tank on some air transport shit. Let's get here.

(Luis begins to head towards Broker)

Luis: Where's your father then?

Yusuf: Dada's meeting some bankers in the Exchange. Luckily for us, this stuff is too 'serious' for Yusuf to be invited. He thinks I'm waiting for him in the lobby.

Luis: Parents, man.

Yusuf: Tell me about it! They think they can run your life. I'm old and ugly enough tot take care of myself.

Luis: Ugly? Yeah. Old? Sure. The 'taking care of yourself' bit, I don't know about that, bro.

Yusuf: Maybe you're right, I don't have the means. If only he gave me a few billion I could really call my own, then maybe I would grow up.

Luis: I feel the same way, bro.

(Luis and Yusuf find the APC being airlifted)

Yusuf: What is that holding the bank? I must have one.

Luis: It's an aircrane, bro. Do me a favor, will you. Just fucking buy one, okay? No stealing.

Yusuf: For you, Luis, perhaps.

(Yusuf takes control of the helicopter and Luis prepares to shoot the support cables)

Yusuf: Don't worry, man. I got these controls again.

(Luis shoots one of the cables)

Yusuf: Nicely done. Now we just need the rest of the supports.

Yusuf: One down, three to go!

Yusuf: Okay, man. We got it started.

(Luis shoots a second cable)

Yusuf: Good work!

Yusuf: Good shooting, Luis. Only two more.

Yusuf: Halfway there!

(Luis shoots a third cable)

Yusuf: Get the last one and she drops!

Yusuf: Nearly ours, my man. Nearly ours!

Yusuf: She's hanging by a thread.

(If Luis misses)

Yusuf: It's only a fucking cable. You want me to shoot.

Yusuf: This is the best sniper money can buy. Come on.

Yusuf: How we doing with that cable?

Yusuf: You got a sniper rifle. How you missing this shit.

Yusuf: I didn't hear that cable snap.

Yusuf: How your eyes, man? You play with yourself too much as a child?

Yusuf: Don't run out of ammo, now.

Yusuf: You need a better zoom on that thing?

(If the APC makes it into Algonquin)

Yusuf: What's the problem? Why ain't we got this already?

Yusuf: Let's do it quick, partner. Come on.

Yusuf: Come on. We can do this quick.

Yusuf: We ain't got much time, man.

Yusuf: If they get to the police station, we're fucked.

Yusuf: We can't let them get where they're going, man.

(Luis shoots all the cables and the APC falls to the ground)

Yusuf: Bombs away! Go after her, man.

(Luis gets in the APC)

Yusuf: Luis. You got it.

Luis: Yeah, bro. But the cops are all over me.

Yusuf: Good thing you're in a motherfucking tank!

Luis: It's just a NOOSE tank, bro.

Yusuf: Who gives a shit, player? Bring her back to the site. Just don't have an army of LCPD trailing you back when you do. Clear those shitheads off.

Luis: I'll try.

(Luis loses the police and takes the APC to Yusuf's building site)

Luis: Yusuf, bro, where you at, man?

Yusuf: Over here, man.

Luis: Where?

Yusuf: Up here, motherfucker! Shit. Stand back while I pick this thing up.

Luis: Okay, man.

Yusuf: Thanks for everything, bro. You're a fucking diamond.

Luis: Don't mention it.

Alternate dialogue

Luis: Yusuf. What was that, bro?

Yusuf: Shhh. My Dada is still here. I can try to slip off. Will you meet me?

Luis: Okay. Sure.

(Luis and Yusuf to fly towards the APC)

Luis: Glad you could make it out from your daddy's warm embrace.

Yusuf: Shit, man, so am I. I wouldn't miss this for the world. Even if Poppa does hold the purse strings, so to speak.

Luis: He gonna cut you off?

Yusuf: Never! Impossible! Not when he sees everything I have achieved here in Liberty City.

Luis: A coke habit? Maybe some venereal disease? Is that what you call an achievement?

Yusuf: This is ridiculous. You think that is all I have done? Have you not seen the site? The foundations to our Empire?

Luis: Really, man, you actually been working?

Yusuf: Of course. Of course. I mean, this is work, isn't it?

Luis: Ummm. I don't know about that. Maybe.

(The two find the APC)

Yusuf: What is that chopper? I haven't seen one before. So powerful!

Luis: Before you think about stealing one, man, it's just an air crane. You can buy them real easy.

Yusuf: Can you now?

Failing the mission

APC destroyed

Yusuf: Luis, man, how's my baby?

Luis: The tank. Shit, bro, it's kind of fucked.

Yusuf: This cannot be. I needed her so badly.

Luis: Let me tell you something, man. I know some disadvantaged, needy cats. You don't need shit.

Yusuf: Fine. I wanted her so badly. Call me spoilt. Say what you like. You're wrong. I've got needs. I've got feelings. I'll talk to you soon, my friend.

APC abandoned

Yusuf: Luis. Where you at?

Luis: Back where we started, bro. Sorry.

Yusuf: Okay then. Okay. I will move my tank party to another weekend. We'll have fun some other time. So long, friend.

APC arrives at police station

Yusuf: Man, shit, that place is impenetrable. How will we get our tank now?

Luis: I'm thinking maybe you should start fetishizing some other piece of hardware, man, and just give up on the NOOSE tank.

Yusuf: I know! A tunnel! Ah, we'll burrow in there and have the motherfucker in no time.

Luis: Hey, look, I got to go, bro. I'll keep an eye out for shovels though.