Disc Jockey Tries to Get Back on That Horse
A blast from the past today as former talk show host Lazlow is trying to get back on the airwaves. Lazlow used to host a popular show on a station called Chatterbox at the turn of the millennium, then things turned bad for him and he disappeared from our airwaves after a string of personal humiliations and bad choices, including several payola scandals, and a series of sexual shenanigans led to major credibility issues. But it appears he is back. Or trying to get back. He's been trying to raise financing for a new radio station to be launched in Liberty City in which the listener is put right into the action.
Announcing his plans at a poorly-attended press conference yesterday, he said, "This is radio 2.0, this is Lazlow 2.0, I'm back." When asked to explain what on earth this could mean, the popular shock jock said, "I don't really know - it's up to you, the listeners, to decide.' We will stay on this story in the hope this guy makes something of himself.
A Fresh Approach To Parenting?
New E-fridge can track your child's eating habits
While most liberal-minded voters are opposed to the constant electronic monitoring of American citizens, as parents, we owe it to our children to track their every move. Whether it's the Trackify device or hiring a private investigator, it's your responsibility to make your kids safe. But it's very difficult to know if your child is using drugs. We've all dabbled in a little reefer and the occasional rail but, once you become a parent, it's time to change your tune and pretend your child won't go through the same adolescent trials and tribulations you did and get sanctimonious on them.
The Panoramic e-fridge 5000 detects the user of your fridge and monitors nutritional habits. A midnight snack of frozen French fries, pizzas with mustard and fishstick bacon omelets will trigger the intelligent engine and send an email to mom and dad that their child is most likely high as shit. If the e-fridge 5000 detects that it hasn't been accessed by your daughter in a few days, an eating disorder alert will be sent. The price is planned at $6,000.
Nation Mourns Left Wing Activist
Tom Goldberg found dead
With the murder of heroic attorney, Tom Goldberg, a blow has been struck to the heart of the first amendment and freedom fighters everywhere. A moment of silence was called in the blogosphere as Mr. Goldberg stood for the freedom of speech and the rights of the little man to slander people anonymously online with no repercussions. He was in favor of immigration and proposed much tighter gun control. No wonder so few conservatives are mourning. He stood up to corporate America and the links between big business and government.
Another Online Revolution!
Every revolution needs a name, and this one is 2.0. Web 2.0 is so amazing that what most people don't realize is that there never was a dotcom bubble. Web 2.0 is the second generation. You are probably still living in your Web 1.0 land - never even aware that everything has evolved, passed you by and left you for dead. You are old. You are becoming irrelevant. Kids look at you with disgust. You are living in an information silo while the rest of us are 26-7 Internet 2.0. When I shit, it is automatically recorded on my blog, an RSS feed is sent out, my www.grype.org buddies are notified, and it goes out to the www.myroomonline.net community. It's a revolution. I have thousands of friends I've never met. I am so alone. The darkness is closing in.
Let Everyone In!
We are all Americans
As the debate in Congress rages on over illegal immigration, many activists are saying that America should continue an open door policy. "People have been coming here for hundreds of years," said Immigration Reform Center President Percy Simonson, "Who are we to close the door suddenly? Everyone in the world is an American. Come join us. Come live here. Do like we do and don't pay tax! We have no traffic or congestion problems. There is room for all." Liberals held a The Laws Don't Matter Day on Capitol Hill and protested lawmakers' attempts to enforce existing laws.
Capitalism is in its Final Throes
The Not-So-Great Pyramids
It was confirmed today that the Chairman of the Board of Governors of the FRS, Darius Wolfe, frittered away taxpayers' money on a pyramid scheme. The scheme, entitled the 'Roman Empire Wealth System', promised returns of millions on an initial investment of $20,000. It comes as no shock that Wolfe would jump at the chance to become Julius Caesar: the two of them are vying for the top spot in the competition for the biggest egomaniac in history. Wolfe is now under investigation following reports that he publicly endorsed the scheme in a desperate attempt to speed up online subscriptions. It is a terrifying state of affairs that this man's manipulative words have the power to move global markets. You are better off taking financial advice from a compulsive gambler in Las Venturas.
Or maybe we are being too harsh? After all, we all fell for the greatest pyramid scheme of all time: Social Security. Now that our pensions have been blown on conservative war-games, it is easy to see how even the most ludicrous online scam could start to look appealing. President Lawton and his band of thieves have turned the US economy into a ticking time bomb. Move to India - you will be better off in the long run.