Ricky Gervais: Difference between revisions
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How is that a disease? | How is that a disease? | ||
''Immitates person scoffing food into their mouth'': "Oh, I'm so | ''Immitates person scoffing food into their mouth'': "Oh, I'm so fucking ill..." num, num, "Oh I'm well ill", | ||
''Laughter'' | ''Laughter'' | ||
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Salads? You don't like salads, ok. | Salads? You don't like salads, ok. | ||
Nine pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it? | '''Nine''' pie and chips a day? It's a start, isn't it? | ||
''Loud laughter'' | ''Loud laughter'' | ||
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They're not big enough for someone like me." | They're not big enough for someone like me." | ||
No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane | No they're not, because if they were, we'd get twelve fucking people on the plane! | ||
''Loud Laughter'' | ''Loud Laughter'' | ||
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Not you, you've had enough. | Not you, you've had enough. | ||
===War=== | |||
'''Announcer''': Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Ricky Gervais! | |||
(''Ricky walks onto stage waving to the audiance as they clap'') | |||
'''Ricky''': Hi, How you doing? | |||
Cheers, thanks. | |||
I have been known... | |||
to have a go at fat people. | |||
But the truth is - I'm a bit overweight myself. | |||
'''Guy in audiance''': No shit! | |||
(''Ricky Points to crowd and laughs'') | |||
'''Ricky''': Somone shouted, "No shit". | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
Could be that. Forty years build up. | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
I actually had to have a medical... uh, for this tour, | |||
and I've had medicals before for TV work. | |||
and they just check your pulse, and go, "You're fine". | |||
But i went along to the doctor, and he said uh... | |||
"Oh its a bit more thorough then usual. You know its a big tour". | |||
"We need a urine sample." | |||
I've never had to do that before, so ah... | |||
you know, i went to the toilet, filled up this little bottle he gave me, good as gold.Gave is back to him. He went, "Oh, can you strip down to your boxer shorts?" | |||
I thought, "this is thorough". | |||
So i stripped down to my boxer shorts, | |||
(''Ricky pretends to pull down his pants'') | |||
"Ah for fuu..." | |||
The one day i wear white boxer shorts... | |||
(''Ricky points to his groin area'') | |||
Big wet patch from the wee. | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
Well, why didn't he warn me? | |||
Why didn't he say, "Be carful, I'll be checkin' for stains in a minute." Do you know what I... | |||
So embarrassing, there's nothing I could do. | |||
I told my friend. And my friend went: | |||
"You should have gone commando!" | |||
Well, that would have been less embarresing, wouldn't it? | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
So, now I strip down to my boxer shorts, and i go. "Oh god, I've wet myself, what can i do?" | |||
"I know!" | |||
(''Ricky pretends to pull off his underware and throws it behind him, he then stands with his hands on his hips'') | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
'''Ricky''': Go commando... | |||
do commandos not wear pants? | |||
Why is it called goin' comm...? They must wear pants... | |||
I donno, any commandos in.. do you wear...? | |||
(''Ricky pretends to be a commando as he ducks down and pretends hes holding a gun, he signals to imaginary people behind him'') | |||
"Why you... | |||
Why youy not wearing pants?" | |||
(''Ricky gestures to the imaginary guy behind him'') | |||
"What do you mean, cuz' werem commandos? They... | |||
There gonna see that, at least camoflage it!" | |||
"Put a little... well, now its getting bigger. Why's it getting bii...??? | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
Look, theres barbed wire up... You're gonna lose it! Pop it away! Wha...!? | |||
(''Loud laughter'') | |||
Go commando. | |||
But i am a bit overweight... | |||
I never worried about that before was famous. And i'm not more vain now. | |||
It's that you read about youreslf... | |||
and the papers. They need an adjective. | |||
They can't just say, "Ricky Gervais, Comedian". | |||
They say things like, "Ricky Gervais, Tubby Comedian". | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
Why bring that into it? | |||
"Ricky Gervais, Rotund Comedian." | |||
Rotund!?! | |||
That sounds like a giant fucking wombat! I'm not rotund! | |||
One called me a chubby Funster! | |||
That's a gay porn name! | |||
(''Laughter'') | |||
I was jogging once, | |||
(''Ricky jogs on the spot'') | |||
listening to some... sounds on my MP3 player. | |||
"Oh yeah, looking good" | |||
Paparazzi got me. | |||
Full page in the paper the next day. With a headline... | |||
"Ipodge". | |||
(''Hysterical laughter'') | |||
Cheeky bastards. | |||
(''Ricky starts to walk offstage audiance alpplauds, cheers and claps.'') | |||
Thanks very much, good night! | |||
==External links== | ==External links== | ||