Boulevard Baby/Script

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The following is a script of the mission Boulevard Baby in The Ballad of Gay Tony.


Dessie: That'w what I told 'em. Hey, I'm all good baby. How you doing, I.D?

Luis: Hey, Dessie.

Dessie: Hey, what's up, man?

Luis: What's up, man? Tony in?

Dessie: Uh, yeah, he got here a while ago. Enjoy your night.

Luis: Please, after you. Wow!

Dessie: I.D.

Roman: Okay, good evening my friend, how are you? See it's me? Yes, you okay? So I am good? I'm good. Yes, okay. Ladies, hide your titties!

(Luis finds the Asian woman that went inside and convinces her to have sex with him in the bathroom)

Luis: You like that, huh? What's my name, baby? What's my name?

Asian woman: Oh, I don't know, but feels so good, though!

(Luis finishes and meets with Tony in his office)

Tony: You're late.

Luis: Sorry man, something came up.

Tony: No doubt.

Luis: What's going on?

Tony: I'm trying to figure a way out of this shit. I've got a plan to keep that pair of chumps Rocco and Vince happy. Come on, I'll explain as we go.

(As they leave the club, Tony sees two Russians)

Tony: Whoa, whoa, whoa, just a quick hello, quick hello. Gentlemen, my name's Tony Prince, I hope you're enjoying yourselves.

Bulgarin: Ray Bulgarin. Tell me, where are the women?

Tony: Well, they're everywhere. That one over there is a TV starlet. That one there is a model. That one there I don't know, but I believe she just signed on with the Derriere campaign.

Bulgarin: How much? To fuck I mean.

Tony: No, no, no. They're not hookers. It's not that kind of club.

Bulgarin: Everywhere is that kind of club, you just need to know how much to pay.

Tony: Yeah, well...listen, can I buy you gentlemen a drink? Cindy, Cindy, come here! Take care of Mr. Bulgarin here. It's good to meet you. Please, come back. Enjoy your night. My right hand man, Luis, will take care of you. Goodnight.

Bulgarin: Thank you.

Cindy: So, gentlemen, more drinks?

Luis: Yes, please. Let's go. So, how's it going gentlemen?

Bulgarin: The faggot is your boss?

Luis: Sure.

Bulgarin: Must make for funny times at bonus time...

Luis: Hysterical. Hysterical.

Bulgarin: Where does the coke come from in this place?

Luis: I don't know about that shit, man, I just make sure people don't get killed.

Bulgarin: How very boring. I prefer it when they do.

Luis: You should come back on a busier night then, normally it's wall to wall corpses by midnight.

Bulgarin: You, I like... the faggot, not so much.

Tony: Gentlemen, thank you. Luis, we've got to go.

Luis: Gentlemen.

Tony: Jesus. Russian, richer than the church. Buy this place, end all our troubles.

Luis: Yes, nothing like Russian gangsters to bring a sense of peace and stability to a problem.


Tony: Oh Jesus, what did I do wrong? Take us to Bahama Mamas.


Tony: We got to go to Bahama Mama's.

Luis: Now, Mamas is more Rocco's style than our place. Tell me he's gonna start hanging out with all that Bridge and tunnel crowd rather than us.

Tony: Don't we wish. No, sadly, he just wants you to talk to a lady in there.

Luis: Yo, Y, I ain't hurting no lady for Rocco.

Tony: They just want you to hit on her. She's an old friend of yours, Monique from the Derriere store in Suffolk.

Luis: Monique? Shit, after that thing with her roommate, I don't think that's gonna fly. What they want me hitting on girls for?

Tony: They want to get at her boyfriend. He owns the place, but he's in Venturas now.

Luis: So I'm some fucking gigolo now? Perfect.

Tony: I never seen you complain about chasing women before.

Luis: Well, I never been forced to chase them before.

(Luis and Tony arrive at Bahama Mama's)

Tony: Do what you do best, partner.

Luis: You ain't coming?

Tony: You think having a past-it old queen on your arm is some kind of aphrodisiac? Just try and forget it's a job.

Luis: The day has finally come, T. You've become my pimp. And I've finally lost my self respect. Later, bro.

(Tony leaves and Luis enters the club)

Bouncer: Yo, Mr. Lopez, if you ever got an opening at Maisonette, think of me.


Bouncer: Come right in, Mr. Lopez. Your money's no good here.

Bouncer: Mr. Lopez, man, if you ever got room on one of your doors...

Luis: Yo, man, thanks.


Luis: Good to see you, bro.

Luis: Thanks, bro, I'll remember that.

(Luis goes down into the club)

Luis: If Tony could see these chumps.


Luis: I'm glad I don't run a place like this.

Luis: This place is full of assholes.

Luis: Where's this girl?


Luis: Monique. Where you at, girl?

Luis: I think I remember what she looks like.

(Luis finds Monique on the dance floor)

Luis: Mmm, there she is.


Luis: If it ain't her.

Luis: Time to really lose some self respect.

(Luis walks up to Monique)

Monique: What are you doing here, Luis? Maisonette close down?


Monique: Luis Lopez! What the fuck!

Monique: Hey hey hey, stranger.

Luis: Let me see you move, baby. I can't hear shit in this place.


Luis: You dance, baby? Let's hit it.

Luis: Mami, you got some moves on you? You wanna dance?

(Luis finishes dancing with Monique)

Monique: Come on.

Luis: I'm coming, baby.

Monique: Oh, excuse me. Don't let anybody in, Maurice. And you better not say a fuckin' word to Vic.

Maurice: Alright, babe.

Luis: Wish me luck, papi.

(Luis and Monique go into the office and begin to make out)

Luis: Oh baby, take it easy on me, okay? I had a long day.

Monique: I'm going to make you forget all about that...

Luis: Mm, I bet you will.

(The club owner attempts to enter the office but Maurice tries to stall him)

Maurice: Vic, yo, shit. I think Serge wanted to see you outside.

Manzano: Serge's got the night off. Come on.

Maurice: Wa-wait...hold on a minute. I mean, you know...

Manzano: Get the fuck out of my way. Move!

(The owner goes into the office as Monique is giving Luis oral sex)

Maurice: Hey, Vic.

Luis: Aye si. Right there, chuppa, aye mio...

Manzano: Who the fuck are you?

(Monique gets up and sees Vic)

Monique: Vic! You were suppose to be in Venturas!

Manzano: You whore. I paid for those fuckin lips and this is how you repay me?

Monique: Hold on. I can explain.

Manzano: Puta!

(Vic grabs Monique by the throat, punches her in her side, throws her to the ground and spits on her)

Luis: Yo, that's not cool, bro.

Manzano: You put your cock in my woman's mouth and you think it's cool? Asshole.

(The club owner pulls out a gun on Luis)

Luis: Hey.

(Luis kills the club owner and leaves the office)

Luis: Watch out, people. Get on the floor!


Luis: Get down or you'll get shot!

Luis: Get down! Everyone, get down!

Guard: His ass gonna die in Mamas.

Guard: Get that bitch from Maisonette.

Guard: Get that stuck up prick.

Guard: This how we do it in Bahamas.

Guard: He must be something to do with Pelosi.

Guard: Don't let him out of the club!

Guard: Opportunity to take out the competition people.

Guard: He killed Vic! Take him down.

Guard: I saw that motherfucker with Monique.

Guard: Yo. He killed Vic!

Luis: I bet that slimey prick had this planned. Fuck!

Luis: Come on, bro. What the fuck?

Luis: What the fuck, guys?

Luis: That girl came onto me.

Luis: Just let me out of this place.

Luis: Just great. Everyone's fucking packing.

Luis: I don't know where the B and T crowd's gonna go now.

Luis: I didn't even fuck her.

Luis: This place ain't gonna be open for a long time.

Luis: All this over a lady?

Luis: If that guy was in Venturas this wouldn't be a problem.

Luis: How many times you want to get me into shit, Rocco?

Alternate dialogue

Luis: What we being sent to Bahama's for? I thought Rock would be right at home there.

Tony: He would be! Taking E and comparing biceps with all the other guido pricks is definitely his scene. I don't know why he wants to hang out with us. Anyway, we're going because he wants you to chase some skirt.

Luis: Women? Yo, T, I'm tired, bro.

Tony: Well, wake up! What? You need some Mollis?

Luis: Bro, gimme a fucking break, okay? It gonna turn a pussyhound from the D.R. into some kind of monster.

Tony: Then stop complaining before I spike you with one and unleash you in there.

Luis: Alright. Alright. What they want?

Tony: There's a girl you know called Monique, works at the Derriere store. Anyway, her boyfriend pissed Rocco off so he wants you to hang with her.

Luis: That kid got nothing better to do? He must think he's still in High school.

Tony: Well, the guy's in Venturas so that's one thing you don't have to worry about.

Luis: Sure.

Post mission phone calls


Tony: Luis.

Luis: You got Rocco there with you, T? Is he there?

Tony: What's gotten into you? Why are you so moody, Luis? You should talk to someone.

Luis: I get moody after I'm nearly killed, Tony. And that's happening a lot right now. Fuck! Monique's boyfriend wasn't in Venturas. The whole fucking club got shot to shit!

Tony: Okay, I see why you're upset. Get some rest and we'll talk soon. You're keeping us afloat here, Luis.


Luis: Hello?

Bulgarin: We met at your club. I am Ray Bulgarin.

Luis: Oh yeah. You're the Russian who was asking about coke, hookers, and corpses. Yeah, I'm sorry we couldn't accommodate.

Bulgarin: I did not take you for the sensitive type. I am spending some time here while I catch up with some old friends and I need help with some things. I am told you are the man to talk to.

Luis: Listen, man, I got a real busy schedule.

Bulgarin: This is no an opportunity you want to miss out on, especially as I hear that "Gay" Tony Prince's ship is sinking.

Luis: Yeah I don't know where you heard that...

Bulgarin: Just come to my house, we will talk.

Failing the mission

Unimpressive dancing

Tony: It's over already? Shit, Luis, you must be tired.

Luis: Girl wasn't into me, Tone. Tell the Rock he needs himself another gigolo.

Tony: Alright, Lou. Go sleep it off.

Alerting security

Tony: Luis. What happened?

Luis: That place got to me, T. I can't stand that shit hole.

Tony: Okay, Lou, okay. I'll tell Rocco it ain't happening.

Tony's car destroyed

Tony: Are you drunk? We aren't even at the club yet.

Luis: Sorry, T. I guess I was just excited about chillin' with all them Alderney girls. Another time, okay?