Buoys Ahoy/Script

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The following is a script of the mission "Buoys Ahoy" in Grand Theft Auto IV.


Bernie: Yoohoo!

Niko: Bernie, what's wrong?

Bernie: Nothing sweetie. Oh, my God. You were the lucky one.

Niko: What?

Bernie: You could slice cheese on those puppies. I must be the only Slav without cheekbones. I'm thinking of getting implants.

Niko: But you sounded hysterical.

Bernie: Oh, sometimes, I can't bear to be alone. I'm so glad you've come back into my life, even if you did try to kill me. I'm so excited!

Niko: What are we doing here?

Bernie: We're going to have fun!

Niko: Fun?

Bernie: Yes. It's a four letter word, I know, but we can still try.

Niko: Look! More people want me dead than alive. I'm working for the Mafia. The police and a government agency are both on my case. I kill and steal to scrap together a living so that my cousin can fritter it away online and pay off debts... and all the while? People are trying to kill us! What is fun?

Bernie: Honey... you... are stressed.

Niko: Goodbye, Florian.

Bernie: No! No! No! No! No you don't, Niko. I need you. I need you to come on this boat trip with me. I need to talk to someone who truly knows me.

Niko: When I knew you you were training to be a shepherd. And you wanted to be a professional wrestler. Actually, maybe it does all makes sense.

Bernie: You understand me. Both of me! Come on. Bryce accidentally left the keys on purpose somewhere I could steal them. You drive, I'll work on my tan. My midriff is really pale.

Niko: Alright, lets have... fun.


Bernie: Go toward the headland, that's where the best rays are going to be.


Bernie: Head out to sea, sailor.

Bernie: Go out toward that beach, Niko.

(Niko heads toward the headland)

Bernie: Niko, my life is in turmoil. Bryce is pulling his hair out over this blackmail thing. His wife is getting on his back about yours truly - I think she suspects. It's a nightmare.

Niko: I don't know how else I can help you. Look how long it took me to find you.

Bernie: I know, sweetie, let's forget about him and have some F-U-N!

(The two arrive at the headland)

Bernie: Perfect, sweetie. Let's stop.


Bernie: This is as good a spot as any.

Bernie: Drop anchor, skipper.

(Bernie looks at the river through binoculars)

Bernie: Ahoy, sailor. Cute guys off the starport brow! Mmmm. Scratch that, not so cute. Ugly Russians.

Niko: Let me see. They don't look like they're on a pleasure cruise.

(The Russians speed towards Niko and Bernie and begin shooting at them)

Russian: Dimitri Rascalov sends his regards.


Russian: Do not be fucking with Dimitri Rascalov.

Russians: This is a message from Dimitri Rascalov.

Niko: We're going after them.


Niko: They can't do that to us.

Niko: We're getting these scum.

Bernie: Bryce's wife is going to freak out about his boat. This was meant to be our fun day, Niko. Why does everything that's meant to be fun have to be so miserable?

Niko: I don't know. We just got to get these guys or they'll just come back. I told you that there was no time for this. People are after me and I have to stay alert. You, Bernie, are in this too. You have to keep your eyes open.

Bernie: They're wide open, sweetie, I'm focused. One hundred percent. Let's get 'em.

(If Niko kills the Russians early)

Bernie: Yee haw. We got them.

(If Niko ramps the boat)

Bernie: Whoa.


Bernie: We're airborne.

Bernie: Up and away.

Bernie: Fun time.

Bernie: Yee haw.

(Niko drives in between two tug boats)

Bernie: This is going to give me blemishes.


Bernie: I could almost feel it.

Bernie: You cut it fine, don't you Niko?

Bernie: Ohhh, close shave.

(The Russians eventually speed past a Police boat)

LCPD: This is the LCPD Harbor Unit. Stop your engines and prepare to be boarded. Stop immediately or we will use lethal force.


LCPD: Stop your engines immediately. This is the Harbor Unit of the Liberty City Police Department. This is your final warning. Stop your engines or force will be employed.

LCPD: This is the LCPD Harbor Unit, stop your engines. Stop your engines at once or you will be considered a security threat and eliminated.

(The Russians shoot at the Police boat and it catches on fire)

LCPD: Oh, crap.


LCPD: Balls.

(The Russians leave the boat and try to escape on foot)

Bernie: They're making a run for it, the land lubbers.


Bernie: They're taking to the high ground, sweetie.

Bernie: We've scared them off the water, Niko.

(Niko leaves Bernie)

Bernie: I've still got my sea legs, I'll wait here.


Bernie: I'll watch the boat.

Bernie: See you in a bit, Niko.

(If Niko lingers)

Bernie: Go after them.


Bernie: Punish them.

Bernie: Make 'em suffer

(Niko kills the Russians and returns to Bernie)

Bernie: Our noble hero returns from battle.

Niko: They're not a problem anymore.

Bernie: Niko, you are my knight in shining armor. Thank you. I'm sorry our fun day wasn't so very much fun. See you soon.

(Niko watches from the shore as Bernie leaves in Bryce's boat)

Niko: See you.

Alternate dialogue

Bernie: Do you want to go to a musical later? There are some great things playing on Burlesque at the moment.

Niko: Musicals aren't really my thing, Bernie. You should go with Bryce.

Bernie: Bryce would never be seen with me at a play. People would ask questions. I get all the stress of having a man but none of the perks. That's my tragedy.

(Niko begins to chase the Russians)

Bernie: Haters, haters, haters. This city is full of haters, Niko. I just don't get it. I came here because it was meant to be the most progressive city in the world. But it just isn't. Why don't I just up and leave for San Fierro. They'd understand me there.

Niko: You don't go because Bryce is here.

Bernie: Bryce could come to San Fierro. He could even be himself there. Get himself elected for who he really is.

Other dialogue

(Niko leaves the boat)

Bernie: Hop in!

Bernie: Come on Sugar, in!

Bernie: Jump in!

Post mission phone call

Niko: What's up, Bernie?

Bernie: I wanted to give you something to say thank you from me and Bryce. Well he doesn't know I'm giving you this but he gave it to me so it's technically from him.

Niko: What is it?

Bernie: His car... enjoy. I only power walk or take cabs so I figured I should pass this on to my savior.

Niko: Thanks, man. I appreciate it.

Bernie: Don't mention it. What we've got is worth more than money.

(Niko goes to pick up the car)

Niko: Thank you, Bryce Dawkins. I hope the cash for this didn't come out of city funds.

Failing the mission

Boat damaged

Bernie: Uhh, my hair will never recover from this. It's a disaster, Niko. Wish me luck. So long sailor.


Bernie: I don't know what I'm going to tell Bryce about this. The bitch will really stick the knife in now. Bye, Niko. Goodbye hon.

Bernie: You've destroyed Bryce's boat and I must have an infection from this water. This was the least fun ever. Bye Niko.

Russians escape

Bernie: Soldier, you ain't such a sailor. They got away. Now I've got to face the music.


Bernie: They got away from you, babe. Who knows when they'll come back. I'll never sleep again.

Bernie: We lost them, Niko. They're probably goin' after Bryce now. They've probably killed my baby.

Unused dialogue

(Dialogue which isn't heard in-game)

Bernie: Ahhhh.

Bernie: Ahhhhhh! Bryce's boat.

Bernie: Be the water, Niko. Be the waves. Catch them.

Bernie: Bryce's boat is as well, practically.

Bernie: Bryce's boat.

Bernie: Do you think they'll notice that?

Niko: Does this look like the type of place we could hang out, Bernie?

Niko: Hey Bernie, are we cool to stop around here?

Niko: Hey Bernie, I'm going to stop here. That cool with you?

Bernie: How many knots are you doing, Niko?

Bernie: I like them tight but not that tight.

Bernie: I think she suspects. It's a nightmare.

Bernie: I'm at the Pier in Fishmarket South. I need you... now.

Bernie: I've got to get the bitch her dingy. Good luck.

Bernie: I've heard of mud packs but that river is practically sewage.

Bernie: My feet need to feel solid ground, Niko.

Bernie: My hair's going go to go all frizzy.

Bernie: Niko. Jesus. Niko.

Bernie: Ohhhh.

Bernie: So long, sailor. Bernie has a lot of explaining to do.

Bernie: Take them.

Bernie: That cannot be good for your skin.

Bernie: The bitch and her brats will never forgive him. Thanks, Niko.

Bernie: The life at sea is not for me. take me back to terra firma.

Niko: They're gone, Bernie.

Bernie: They're leagues ahead, sweetie. What are you doing?

Bernie: This isn't good.

Bernie: Uh oh.

Bernie: We've got them.

Bernie: We're losing them.

Bernie: You can handle this, right? I need to give Bryce his boat.

No sound files:

  • We got you.
  • Channel your anger, Niko. Catch up to them.
  • Come on, Niko. Put this thing into overdrive.
  • Didn't see that one coming, did ya?
  • Get me to the coast. I'm done with this.
  • Giving it to them from behind.
  • His wife is getting on his back about yours truly -
  • I wanted to get a tan, not a burn.
  • I'm definitely not saying I took this now.
  • Move it, sister.
  • Niko, they're getting away.
  • Ruler of the high seas, Niko Bellic.
  • Shit, Bernie, you're in trouble. I'll be there.
  • Shoot them.
  • Snap to it, sailor. You're losing them.
  • So long sailor.
  • That singed my eyebrows.
  • The bitch ain't gonna be happy.
  • There she blows.
  • They're getting away.
  • They're in our sights.
  • You'll catch something.
  • You've got more important things to do than backstroke.