Frosting on the Cake/Script

The following is a script of the mission Frosting on the Cake in The Ballad of Gay Tony.


Rocco: Oh, look who it isn't?

Gracie: Jesus, you could knock or something. I mean, my heart is beating to hundred beats a minute. You almost put me in the hospital.

Sharon: This is good blow.

Evan: Here, give me some!

Rocco: Oh, I know. Listen, Gracie, tell your father, tell him...

Gracie: Tell him you've been selling me coke? He will love that!

Rocco: No, no, I don't mean that. I mean, tell him, tell him I'm okay, you know, tell him I'm on the up...

Luis: Yeah, tell him if he wants a good fake tan or some hair gel, Rocco can hook him up.

Rocco: Oh, fuck off, Luis!

Luis: Try it, bro. I'll happily do more time for you.

Gracie: Oh, Luis, you always gotta act so tough. Just have a fucking line and chill out, like me. You people.

Evan: Luis is always such a buzz kill.

Sharon: We're meant to be having fun here... I'm having fun. I am. Where's my fucking phone?

Gracie: This coke is kind of speedy, Rock.

Luis: Where's Tony?

Sharon: He went out.

Gracie: You better not be spiking me with speed, Rock, or I will be so angry...

Luis: Where did he go?

Gracie: Who? What is wrong with you? Man, you are ruining my buzz, Luis.

Luis: Tony! Where's Tony?

Gracie: He is over there.

Rocco: Yeah, passed out. Again. Guy's a fucking mess, Luis. Holding you back.

Evan: He holds everyone back.

Gracie: No he doesn't.

Luis: Get up. Come on, get up.

Rocco: Yeah, get up you has been, no good 1980s throw back relapse junkie fag.

Gracie: What is wrong with you? Tony, get up, baby.

Tony: Ladies, gentlemen, more shots... Hey, hey guys. What's going on?

Luis: You tell me, boss. What's going on? Why did you call?

Tony: I don't know.

Rocco: Because of that thing, T? Come on that sparkly thing? Wake up, you junkie fag.

Tony: Oh right, right, that thing... that shit. That thing! Okay Luis, right, we gotta go. Ladies, have some fun. Keep your septums all in one piece. Jesus, man, I feel like a camel shat in my mouth and it wasn't fun.

Evan: Hold on, guys. I wanna come too.

Luis: Fuck off Evan. This is work. It's not working out.

Evan: Whatever, bitch.

Gracie: So anyway, Sharon, I think I'm gonna sell my car.

Sharon: Oh my god, that is so funny.

Gracie: I know!

Rocco: What's so funny about that?

Evan: Absolutely nothing.


Tony: I forgot about ordering these limos. Coke makes me real classy, don't it? You take Evan, Lou. I'll go with the driver. I could do with not talking.


Tony: Shit, Limos. I now I had a big night when there's one of these stupid things waiting. I'll go with the driver, Lou. I need a bit of peace. Take Evan for me.

Tony: We paid for these limos, so we're gonna take them. I'll go with the driver and try to rebuild my psyche. Luis, you take Evan.

Luis: Thanks a lot, Tone.


Luis: Just you and me, man. Fantastic.

Luis: Left me with my favorite person. Perfect.

(Luis gets in the limo with Evan)

Evan: You know we're heading to the docks in East Hook.


Evan: Take us out to East Hook then, Luis. Come on! Chop. Chop.

Evan: East Hook please, driver.

Luis: What exactly are we doing, man?

Evan: Listen, Luis, no offense, but I don't know how much I'm allowed to tell you.

Luis: What do you mean, Evan, tell me everything you know.

Evan: Really? I mean, how much information are you privy to? You're just the fucking driver, after all.

Luis: I'm privy enough to know that you're a piece of shit who's using Tony, and you only gonna be hanging around for two to three months, before Tony moves onto another chump. I'm privy to the fact that the coke in your nose and the 'roids in your veins are gonna send you worse out of control real soon. I'm also privy to the fact that you gonna be some fat trailer park queen in the Midwest before you hit thirty. Now, tell me what the fuck we doing right now!

Evan: Ughh, that attitude's not gonna get you anywhere, sweetie. You better say something nice to me.

Luis: Tell me what's fucking happening!

Evan: If you say something nice, I'll think about it.

Luis: You can get Tony fucked up like no one else can. Evan. That nice enough?

Evan: Aww, sweet. Thank you, Luis. Tony is more fun when I'm around. What do you want to know?

Luis: What are we doing going to the docks in East Hook?

Evan: We're buying diamonds. Two million dollars' worth.

Luis: Ay Dios Mio. Where did Tony get that kind of cash, bro?

Evan: You don't know everything, do you, Luis?

Luis: I know that money can't be his unless he borrowed it. Where's it from?

Evan: How the fuck should I know? I'm the looks, not the accountant.

Luis: Oh yeah, I forgot. You just snort the money, you don't know where it comes from.

Evan: The money could be Rocco's, it could be Gracie's, who cares? We're getting some ice, baby.

Luis: I don't like the sound of this, bro.

Evan: See what I mean, always so serious. Don't worry, for once. Tony's skimmed ten percent off the agreed amount so we'll have some spending money. Whoop! Whoop! Gonna hit the shops today, baby.

Luis: Even fucking better, bro. Even better.

(Luis and Evan arrive at the docks in East Hook)

Evan: I think we're here.


Evan: This is it.

Evan: Here's where Tony said to meet him.

Cook: Hey uh... What's going on?...uh...Right. Which one of you is Mr. Tony?

Tony: That would be me. Alright, you got what we're looking for?

Cook: You got the money?

Tony: Sure. Right here.

Cook: Then...then I'll get the ice. Hold on.

Luis: How you feel about this, bro?

Evan: I think I need another fucking line, okay? It serves me right for leaving the party with you losers.

Luis: Shut up, idiot. Tony we cool?

Tony: Let's just get this over with. My head is killing me, my life has been reduced to this bullshit. SO, no, Luis. We're a long way from cool. But for right now, let's just see what the chef has to say for himself.

Evan: Yeah, that's what I think, I agree. Completely.

Luis: Shut up, please!

Cook: Yeah...yeah alright. This is them.

Tony: These are great, they're great. But uh... Two million? You had your head in the oven?

Cook: Mr. Tony I have what I tell you, perfect clarity. Beautiful clarity, well cut and a shit load of carats. What do you expect?

Evan: Tony, they're gorgeous.

Tony: Just like you.

Luis: Come on, can we do the hand over please and get out of here? This is too much.

Tony: Ignore him, he's probably been up all night with some bimbo.

Luis: Tony!

Tony: You're a chef?

Cook: Well, cook, yeah.

Tony: We have a line in some kitchen supplies, how about I throw that into the equation, what's the price?

Luis: Look, this the money we agreed upon less ten percent. Just give us the ice.

Cook: Alright, alright.

Evan: Hey. Tony, can I hold them? Thank you.

Cook: Thanks.

Luis: Oh shit, Tony, we outta here! Come on, let's go. Evan, get them to the club. And don't fuck about, ok?

Tony: Get in here. Come on.

Tony: Get in! Let's go!

(Luis gets in the limo with Tony)

Tony: I thought you'd be an explosives expert by now. Get them!

Tony: Throw a bomb, Luis.

Tony: You know how to use those things, don't you? Blow some shit up.

Tony: Blow 'em to fucking kingdom come!

Tony: Blow 'em up. Come on!

(The limo leaves the docks and they run into more Lost MC)

Tony: Luis. Right up ahead!

Tony: Eyes in front. Fuck.

Tony: Right in front of us.

Tony: Shit, they're right ahead of us.

Tony: I'm staring them in the fucking eye.

(The limo runs into a van of Lost MC)

Tony: Get that van full of bikers, Lou.

Tony: Check the van! Full of leather clad skinheads, and they call me gay?

Tony: Fuck! There's a van full of them too.

Tony: Shit. They're in that van, too.

Tony: Look at that van. Those fucking bikers are in there as wel.

(More bikers begin to follow them)

Tony: Left! Oh shit, look left.

Tony: Fuck, they're on our left.

Tony: Look left, Luis.

Tony: Left, Luis, left!

Tony: Check the rear, Lou. Shit.

Tony: The fucking bikers are right behind us.

Tony: Look behind us. Shit.

Tony: They're coming from behind.

Tony: Those crazy assholes are right on us. Look behind you.

Tony: I see them right in back of us.

Tony: We got more of them in the rearview.

Lost: Nowhere to run now, creep!

Lost: See you in hell, limp dick.

Lost: Ha, we got you in the bag now, motherfucker!

Lost: Kill 'em, kill 'em!

Lost: Welcome to hell!

Lost: Say goodbye to your face.

Lost: Let's see his guts, men.

Lost: Get that asshole.

(Tony commenting on Costas' driving)

Tony: Put your fucking foot down.

Tony: Get us out of here, they're right behind us.

Tony: You're meant to be a professional driver.

Tony: Drive! Drive, Costas, drive!

Tony: You're driving into traffic. you maniac!

Tony: Don't you dare crash 'cause I'm not putting my fucking seatbelt on.

Tony: Costas! If these bikers don't kill us, your driving will.

Tony: Get us out of here, Costas.

(If Luis runs out of bombs, Tony will give him more)

Tony: Keep them off us, Luis. Use these bombs.

Tony: Take these bombs, Luis. I don't want to die here.

Tony: Fuck. Blow them up with these, Luis. I really don't want to die today.

(The limo drives into a police roadblock)

Tony: Shit, there's a police roadblock. We're going to get killed.


Tony: The cops are blocking the road! Shouldn't they be helping us?

(A NOOSE APC also begins to follow them)

Tony: Shit, Lou. Looks like we walked into a military exercise. Fuck.


Tony: What the fuck is that? They sending armored cars after us now? Jesus!

Tony: Get thank tank off the back of us.

Tony: Get that fucking tank-think off of us, Lou.

Tony: Get rid of that thing. It's freaking me out.

Tony: I got a bad feeling about that thing. Blow it, Lou.

(The limo drives onto the bridge and an Annihilator chases it)

Tony: Great. They're coming at us from the air as well.


Tony: A chopper too? Perfect, must be my day.

Tony: That helicopter pilot is giving me the evil eye.

Tony: That chopper is making me uncomfortable. Get him off us!

Tony: Get that chopper, Lou.

Tony: Can you try and get that fucking chopper?

(The limo speeds down the bridge to Algonquin)

Tony: They'll lock us up and throw away the keys.

Luis: Sad to say, but that might be the best place for us right now, T.

(An LCPD officer shoots and kills Costas)

Tony: Shit. They shot him. They shot him!

Luis: Fuck, bro.

Tony: What are we going to do?

Luis: I'll take the wheel, man. Just calm down a minute.

Tony: Shit, poor Costas. We gotta lose these fucks!

Luis: Sorry, Costas honey. We've got to get out of here!

(Luis takes control of the limo and loses the police)

Luis: They gone, bro. I'll get you home.

Tony: What happened to Evan?

Luis: He went the other way with those diamonds. Probably on the next plane to Los Santos, if you ask me.

Tony: He's not answering his phone, I'll check his Bleeter.

Luis: He's not going to update some social networking site when a couple of dozen irate bikers are trying to kill him, bro. No one is that vain, not even him.

Tony: TanMan89 bleeted less than ten minutes ago.

Luis: I can't believe it, man. What's it say?

Tony: "Corners by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2 young 2 die." They fucking got him!

Luis: Jesus. Poor bastard.

Tony: I know. Fuck. Poor Evan, he was a rotten human being. That's why I liked him so much.

Luis: That fuck got himself killed, and our diamonds stolen I might add, because he needed to tell the internet about his problems. Ayo. I can speak ill of him as much as I fucking want. That's the stupidest thing I ever heard.

Tony: Alright. It was a weird move, I'll give you that, but he's dead. Killed by social networking. He may have cheated on me, and stolen from me, and put his plastic surgery on the business credit card, buy I liked the guy and I'm kind of sad. Okay?

Luis: Well, I didn't like him. He's dead and he's still pissing me off. We just lost two million on those diamonds.

Tony: Calm down, Luis. You'd think your boyfriend had just been killed.

(Luis and Tony arrive at Hercules)

Luis: You really think Evan's dead?

Tony: I'm sure of it. He bleeted, didn't he?

Luis: I'm sorry, bro.

Tony: Those diamonds are gone too, Lou. We're really in the shit now. We've got no more cards to play. What the fuck is going to go wrong next?

Luis: Stay cool and don't get too fucked up on those pills, or that charlie, or any fucking new shit. Hey Evan ripped you off and he didn't get away with it, look at it like that. I'll come see you soon.

Tony: Sure. Whatever. So long, stranger.

Alternate dialogue

Luis: Yo, E, I thought you and Tony was split up. I was looking forward to him upgrading. You know, to a newer, less annoying model.

Evan: What's this? Why is the driver talking to me? Hello! I don't speak to the help.

Luis: Seriously, bro, you guys back on?

Evan: On, off, off, on. What can I say, that pathetic sack of shit needs me, and I need amusement. Life is so dull.

Luis: I think you got things the wrong way around there, bro. You the guy who keeps him up at night and feeds him pills so he's catatonic all day long. He don't need that shit. I, on the other hand, am the fucking idiot who keeps him alive and out of jail.

Evan: Ohm Lou Lou. You are such a downer.

Luis: I ain't no downer, you fucking moron, I'm just trying to stop Tony from throwing his life and our business away.

Evan: Yes, you are! And the last thing a club owner needs is to stop being fun. I mean, he's always in such a mood when he sees you. Whinge. Whinge. Whinge. "We've got no money left. They're going to repossess everything. Ughh, my life is shit." Jesus, the amount of time it takes to turn him back into the Gay Tony people pay to hang out with, I deserve that allowance hike and more! I should be on the payroll, just like you.

Luis: I thought we froze your allowance? What with the economy and all.

Evan: Fraid not, Lou Lou. I got a hike as aprt of my getting back together deal. Thinking about becoming a partner in the club business, too. Tony needs all the help he can get. His driver's getting far too far ahead of himself, huh. Delusions of adequacy, I supposed.

Luis: Haven't you got a job already?

Evan: I think my talents would be better spent full time at the company.

Luis: Yeah, we need someone to lick out the toilet bowls.

Evan: I've got to warn you Luis, I'm going to be very hands-on and you're not going to like all of my changes.

Luis: Oh, is that a fact?

Evan: Yeah. We can see where the business has got to with your involvement. Shit, Tony's living hand to mouth.

Luis: More like hand to nose.

Evan: It's time for a change and that change is me, honey. I could get used to you driving me around. I might have to do it more often.

Luis: Yeah, that ain't happening, bro. You musta had Tony under the influence of some serious shit when he said he'd take you on, because it ain't happening. The guy's been in business since '87, and you don't get where he is by signing shit over to a piece of pumped up ass.

Evan: Fuck you, Luis. You're just jealous!

Luis: I ain't jealous. I feel bad for you. If you weren't so damn creepy, I'd feel pity. I just see you guys come and then disappear and the world keeps turning and the clubs keep running.

Evan: You're fucking jealous, Luis. Pent up because you are not getting your hands on my man.

Luis: Sure, Evan, that's what it is.

Tony: Evan's not answering his phone. He's dead. I know it.

Luis: That or he's run off with the ice, bro. Either way I don't think we seeing him or them diamonds again.

Tony: Don't be so callous. I think they killed him.

Luis: We got away. Evan might have too.

Tony: I just checked his Bleeter. They got him.

Luis: He updated a social networking site?! The fuck is wrong with him? What is say?

Tony: "Cornered by bikerz. Eugh. Eugh. Eugh. 2" - the number not the word - young 2 die. xx oo

Luis: Maybe he'd be okay if he'd been trying to get the fuck out of there rather than typing on his Bittersweet. Dumb vain motherfucker!

Tony: He may have been a coke addict trying to squeeze every last penny I have out of me, but I kind of liked him.

Luis: No you didn't, bro. You kept him around because you were bored and needy. That conceited fuck was too dumb to keep his head back there and we lost the diamonds because of it.

Tony: Heartless, Lou.

Luis: Not heartless, just right.

Post mission phone call

Tony: Have you heard the news? Evan's definitely dead.

Luis: Okay. We expected this, Tone. Don't freak out. He was an asshole. My guess is he was intending to steal them diamonds when the bikers got him.

Tony: Okay, Evan was a conceited dick, a low life, a whore, a drug peddler and a thief. He treated me like dirt. That's the kind of guy I like.

Luis: You should start going back to the shrink, bro.

Tony: Screw you. Anyway, that doesn't solve the diamond issue. Rocco's saying we owe him his share of the profits on top of everything else.

Luis: This ain't good, man, but we'll find a way out of it. You been in worse scrapes before. I'm counting on your leadership.

Tony: You believed those stories? Wow. I never took you for an idiot. I just pretended to know what I was doing. I'm a schmuck who got lucky. Shit, we really are screwed!

Failing the mission

Evan dies

Tony: Hey Lou, where are you guys?

Luis: Tony, I knew it was a bad idea you sending me with Evan, man. A seriously bad idea.

Tony: What? Nothing's happened, has it?

Luis: He ain't looking so good, T. That's all I Can say. You gonna have to do this thing without us. Goodbye, bro.

Evan abandoned

Tony: Hey Lou, what's happening?

Luis: I couldn't take it, T. Evan's your boyfriend, not mine. You should have rode with him.

Tony: I may be a substance abusing wreck, but you're gonna need to do something about that temper. It's getting to be bad for business.

Luis: Whatever, T. I'll see you soon.