Higgins Helitours/Script
The following is a script of all the helitours in Grand Theft Auto IV.
Jase
Jase: Folks, welcome to your tour of the LC skies!
Jase: I'm Jase, you're in safe hands, I could fly this baby with my eyes shut.
Jase: Colony Island, I always think of this place as like, Algonquin's appendix; it's there, but nobody knows why.
Jase: Whew, the Von Crasternburg Centre, cha-ching! That is some serious all-American dough right there, I shit you not. Mon-ey.
Jase: Rotterdam Tower, a buddy of mine tried a base jump off that bad boy. Man, those guards might be tubby, but they can move.
Jase: Okay, the Libertonian. I've never been in there, but it sure is popular with you visitors. Full of old stuff, crammed with it.
Jase: Middle Park East, how the other half jog folks. There's a guy lives in a bush, can get you anything that smokes. Anything.
Jase: Change of scenery, East Holland Projects, this won't be in guide books, you'd have to be one extreme tourist. Gnarly.
Jase: Now, the GetaLife sign. Yep, when the hippies were distracted with weed and shit, those money guys never missed a beat.
Jase: Civic Citadel, I once flew the Mayor in this chopper, oh yeah, good guy. I mean, I don't vote or anything but nice guy.
Jase: Okay, well I've had a blast, you folks have been great. If you ever feel like exploring the skies again, remember Higgins!
Rob
Rob: Hi, welcome to your Higgins Tour, I'm Rob, I'll be your guide as we survey the crown jewel of capitalism, Liberty City.
Rob: First, the famous Broker Bridge, used in many movies and TV shows. It was recently targeted by terrorists in Weazel's 72.
Rob: The Charge Island lighthouse, just a little reminder that we all need a guide through the rocky waters, don't we folks?
Rob: Now, the East Borough Bridge; really shows how Liberty City brings people together, and then the LCPD has to keep them apart.
Rob: Ah, the housing projects of the world's finest city. I've seen war zones folks, and I can tell you, you're looking at one.
Rob: Middle Park, a peaceful haven for so many LC residents, and only eighty-six murders last year, that's a record!
Rob: See the lake? Few people know this, but a third of the park's budget goes toward cleaning this fountain of pigeon shit.
Rob: Ah, the Majestic Hotel, found in story and in song, if those sheets could tell stories, right folks?
Rob: Now Columbus Cathedral, nice huh? Of course, once you've seen war, God is a joke, but would you look at that architecture?
Rob: Approaching Leaper's Bridge, still the record-holder for suicides. Well, if you're going to do it, do it right, huh?
Rob: Union Drive, built during an unprecedented reign of organized crime, they say it has fifteen bodies within it's cement.
Rob: Well, that's us; I hope you've enjoyed LC from the skies! Remember to recommend Higgins Helitours to your friends.
Rob: Higgins Helitours. We're here to show you Liberty City from the sky. A sight usually reserved for transplant organs and the super rich.
Rob: I need to make clear that Higgins is in no way responsible for any injuries - physical or psychological, that you sustain during the trip.
Rob: We are now flying over Chinatown. Come back for food poisoning or a massage with the happiest ending in the City.
Rob: This is the Exchange. High flying workers here are calling in debt and ruining lives all over the country. Now that's how to get rich!
Rob: Workers in the exchange often live here in Castle Gardens. They can concentrate on making money in peace and quiet.
Rob: Here's the West River. Every day, Algonquin residents are grateful that this is here to keep us separate from Alderney.
Rob: That statue is such a great emblem of the Freedom of Speech and Expression that makes America the best country in the world.
Rob: Here we have the Civic Citadel where Mayor Ochoa makes all his important decisions to keep LC running smooth. It was here that Ochoa eased safety restrictions on Helicopters and their pilots. He saved our tourism industry that day.
Rob: I hope you've enjoyed your tour. It sure is great to be driving a chopper for fun rather than to mow down a village full of hostiles. From us at Higgins, have a nice day and remember that tips are appreciated.
Vicki
Vicki: Hi, welcome to Higgins Tour, I'm Vicki, I'm your pilot. Don't worry about the name, there is no joke I haven't heard.
Vicki: First up, the Daily Globe Building, home to all the LC news, the murders, the robberies and the immigrants taking our jobs.
Vicki: Cleethorpes Tower, where millionaires can go to the top floor, lean over the marble balcony, and spit on ordinary Americans.
Vicki: Now the Libertonian, it's closed for renovation, disappointing arty liberal kids with their ideas about how there's no God.
Vicki: Onto North Holland, if you look down now folks, you'll see three generations refusing to help themselves. I've seen land laid to waste by war, and I'm here to tell you, sometimes it's the only option. Carpet bomb those leeches...
Vicki: Coming up to Vespucci University, you can spot the library, where they get their long hair stuck in their fancy books.
Vicki: Golden Pier now, all manner of ways for chubby, spoiled brats, to get whipped into a sugar frenzy.
Vicki: Moving on, to South Algonquin, a den of vice and corruption the likes of which most of you folks will never see again.
Vicki: The tall, clean buildings smooth enough to do lines of cocaine off of, and they would if they could people, mark my words.
Vicki: Now a new development, where Yusuf Amir is building more apartments for his foreign buddies to live in tax-free.
Vicki: Well, that's it folks, you've seen the decline of the Roman Empire from the skies, choose Higgins again!
Vicki: Welcome to your Higgins Tour, my name is Vicki, I will be your guide for today. Buckle up, and no questions about my name.
Vicki: Firstly over the Humboldt River, she's dirty, she's deep and she has her secrets, you betcha...
Vicki: Leading us on to Broker, a borough that's particularly pleased with itself, home to artists and such, need I say more?
Vicki: The Broker Bridge; an open invitation to terrorism, let's hope Ochoa has the stones to protect us all. Great view, huh?
Vicki: Hove Beach, or Little Sodom as some call it, a nest of sin, all of East Europe moves in to spread crime like jelly over LC.
Vicki: Heard the name Kenny Petrovic folks? He's a Hove Beach landmark too, turning this whole area to shit. Shit, people, shit.
Vicki: Now Firefly Island, where some remnants of the glory days can still be seen. Even after they tore out its heart.
Vicki: One thing that thrives is extreme sports; these youngsters taunt death because they've never seen war. Bring back the draft.
Vicki: Look out to sea folks, the view goes for miles. Warmer waters have led some to speculate there may even be sharks...
Vicki: Sharks would explain some of the things swept up on the beach, bodies, torn up as if by artillery. That, or giant teeth.
Vicki: The harbor, where complaining immigrants arrive by the masses. History, it's right there, and we haven't learned a thing.
Vicki: Well, here we are, I hope you've seen another side to Liberty City. Higgins Tours wishes you a pleasant holiday.
Niko's responses
Niko: Alright then.
Niko: Amazing, honestly.
Niko: Fascinating.
Niko: Give me a break.
Niko: Is that fact?
Niko: No way?
Niko: Oh. Okay.
Niko: Okay?
Niko: Really?
Niko: Shit?
Niko: That's interesting.
Niko: That's something else.
Niko: Uh huh?
Niko: Umm.
Niko: Well then.
Niko: Yeah?
Niko: Yeah, sure.
Niko: Yeah. Yeah.
Niko: You're shitting me?
Niko: You learn something new everyday.