Sexy Time/Script

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The following is a script of the mission Sexy Time in The Ballad of Gay Tony.


Luis: Hello? Hello? Hello?

Yusuf: Hey man, hey nigga, wassup? Wassup? So glad you could make it, man. Seriously. Fucking A. Y'know for real, man.

Luis: You okay, bro?

Yusuf: No, I'm fine, man. I've got a couple of bitches upstairs. Hot ones. Not cheap.

Luis: Nice.

Yusuf: Hey man, do you want to join?

Luis: No, I'm cool, man. I'm cool.

Yusuf: Yeah, of course. Though, to be honest anyway, after I've finished with them, they'll be out of commission anyway. I'll bang them to pieces. After I've finished with them, they'll look like they've been dragged through the fucking desert.

Luis: Oh, wow. Good for you, man. Good for you. Listen, so uh- what did you want?

Yusuf: You see this city? I own it. Everything. Seriously.

Luis: Really?

Yusuf: No. But one day. I'm building sixty skyscrapers, man: condos, penthouses, luxury apartments. Serious shit. But I tell you... Oh, man. Oh, I love this song. Do you know this song? Oh yeah. Arab money! Hey, you don't dance?

Luis: Not with dudes, bro.

Yusuf: You see this city? I run it. I run everything. I'll show everyone. I mean, look at this shit here. This is a gold phone. Solid. Beat that, daddy-o.

Luis: Wow, great man. That's great.

Yusuf: I'm the real deal, nigga. I'm the real thing.

Luis: Sure, bro. Sure.

Yusuf: So what do you say? You going to help me out? Tony says you can handle yourself.

Luis: Maybe man, what do you need?

Yusuf: I need to shut my fucking father up.

Luis: Whoa, I ain't killing your father, bro.

Yusuf: No, I know you're not. I need you to get a helicopter for him. You know? And I've found it. It's a military issue. Beautiful machine. Sexy. The company that built it they have a display model on their boat. And that will shut him up. You know, show him I've got good connections, you know. Pay him the respect he deserves.

Luis: Is that porn playing up there, bro?

Yusuf: No, man, that's real women. Trust me. And I ain't paying. Shit.

Luis: Okay, so you want me to get you a helicopter, and that will make your dad happy? You better be the real deal, man.

Yusuf: You know, I tell Tony that we work together, I'm going to make you both very rich men. We'll open nightclubs all around the world. China. Pakistan. Tim-buk-fucking-tu. Anywhere you want. You know what this means? You and I, we are brothers, we are partners.

Luis: Okay.

Yusuf: Give me a call when you get there. Now, I've got to attend to some business. Ladies, prepare to suffer.


(If Luis alerts the patrol boat)

Patrol: Man is approaching the yacht. This is too risky. Let's engage.


Patrol: Full alert. We have suspicious craft near yacht.

Patrol: Suspicious activity near boat. I'm engaging.

Patrol: I don't like the look of this guy. Let's take him out.

Patrol: This guy is too close to the boat. We must eliminate.

Luis: I just made shit difficult.


What's the problem, bro?

Luis: I'm just passing through, man!

(Luis boards the yacht)

Hardenburg: We call this little baby, The Buzzard! She will pick the bones of your enemies clean.

(If Luis is spotted)

Hardenburg: Hey, we got an undesirable on board.

Hardenburg: This guy's not meant to be here.

Hardenburg: Hey, who's this fool?

Hardenburg: You want to see this thing in action?

Hardenburg: Die.

Hardenburg: You're about to go overboard.

Hardenburg: We got all the arms we need to take you down.

Hardenburg: Pirates!

Hardenburg: You're on the wrong boat, fool.

Luis: Hey, mind if I borrow your chopper?

Luis: Nice boat you got here.

Luis: I don't want no trouble!

Luis: You're being highjacked.

Luis: Just build yourselves another one.

Luis: Give her up and we ain't go no problem.

Luis: Just let me take her for a test drive.

Luis: Fuck you.

(Luis gets in the helicopter)

Hardenburg: He's taking the prototype!


Hardenburg: He's taking the chopper!

Hardenburg: That's military issue!

Luis: This ain't like any other chopper I've flown.


Luis: Thanks for the lessons, Tony.

Luis: Fuck, man, this is some hardware.

(Luis obtains the helicopter and calls Yusuf)

Luis: Hey, I got it.

Yusuf: Alright, homie, now the guys you took it from are some inappropriate individuals. These are some terror cell, war criminal enabling motherfuckers, motherfucker! The real deal. Take out the boat with all the guys on board.

Luis: Bro, you sure?

Yusuf: It's the right thing to do, my brother. Fuckin' go for it!

(Rockets are launched at the helicopter)


Luis: I ain't dying in this thing.

Luis: Motherfuckers.

Luis: What the fuck?

Luis: Fuck this!

Luis: Duck and weave, motherfucker.

(Luis fires at the yacht)

Luis: Yo. That shit is tight!

Luis: You think you can run from me?

Luis: Shit, bro. Intense!

Luis: Oh fuck! Wow!

Luis: Back at you, chumps.

Luis: Eat it, buddy.

(Luis destroys the yacht and chases after the arms dealers that escaped)

Luis: Where you off to?

Luis: Normally I'm the fool being chased by the law.

Luis: Come back here.

Luis: I see you down there.

Luis: You got nowhere to hide.

Luis: You think you getting away?

(Luis kills the remaining arms dealers)

Luis: I hope you was happy with your product.


Luis: That's the last of you bitches!

(Luis calls Yusuf)

Luis: Hey, those guys ain't round no more, Yusuf. I'm gonna trust you that they was bad news.

Yusuf: Of course you can trust me, man. We're brothers now. Blood brothers. They were the baddest cats out there. Shit fucking cats. Just bring the 'copter to my helipad. My best boy Ahmed is waiting for you there.

Luis: Okay.

Yusuf: Cheer up, brethren. Don't think about it. Think of the palaces we'll build together, the zoos we'll build. Endangered species you thought didn't exist no more. Sabre toothed dodos and shit. Women in gold cages. You name it. There's everything to be happy about. Dreams, amigo. Dreams.

Luis: I got to go, Bro. You keep on dreaming.

Yusuf: Okay. Fly safe.

(Luis takes the helicopter to Yusuf's helipad)

Ahmed: You must be Luis! Dude, crazy ride you got here.

Luis: Tell me about it, bro. You're Ahmed, right? Yusuf's boy.

Ahmed: That crazy motherfucker! Some serious military-grade shit. He could have had all the gold in the world, but he's obsessed with what they won't sell him.

Post mission phone call

Luis: Hey Tone, what's happening, boss?

Tony: You been hanging out with people behind my back?

Luis: I been trying to make us some money, yeah.

Tony: You have anything to do with a little boating accident that went down and is all over the news?

Luis: Me? I don't even like swimming.

Tony: Good. Because the people on that boat were good people. Freedom fighters trying to stop people smuggling in Asia.

Luis: Really? I heard they was... shit... I heard...

Tony: No, I'm shitting with you. They were arms smugglers, hitched to some of the worst governments in West Africa. But I had you. I fucking had you. You fucking idiot. Luis. Don't turn in to a freedom fighter. We don't have the luxury of that right now, and stop going solo on me. Not now.

Luis: I wasn't involved T.

Tony: Of course not.

Luis: But if I had been, it would have been for us, for the business.

Tony: Sure. You be careful, Luis.

Failing the mission

Buzzard destroyed

Yusuf: Luis, my man.

Luis: Hey Yusuf, the chopper took a little damage. You ain't gonna be able to give it to your dad.

Yusuf: This is a shame. Ah, at least Poppa cannot be disappointed about a gift he knows nothing about.

Luis: See you later, bro.

Arms dealers escape

Luis: Bad news, Yusuf.

Yusuf: What, the 24-7 mart run out of super size condoms again? Ha, guess I'll have to hit that shit raw. Shouldn't be no problem, these bitches are clean. Fresh. Pure.

Luis: The fuck you talking about? Look man, the guys you sent me after got away.

Yusuf: Are you serious? Well, they're gonna come after us fucking heavy. We're some dead negroes! Listen, ummm, I'll be in panic room if you need anything. Good luck.

Buzzard abandoned

Luis: Shit, Yusuf, bro. I wasn't able to secure that asset for you.

Yusuf: Motherfucker!

Luis: What you call me?

Yusuf: Not you, man. Just mother-fuck, cock-suck the world! Er, I didn't mean you actually fuck mothers or nothing. Shit, big hitter, you can fuck whoever you like. You don't need no stretch marked, low hanging pussy.

Luis: I'd quit while I was ahead, bro.

Yusuf: Okay, man. Thanks, anyway. I'll talk to you soon.