This Ain't Checkers/Script

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The following is a script of the mission This Ain't Checkers in The Ballad of Gay Tony.


(Luis walks into Mori's apartment where Mori and Brucie are playing chess)

Mori: Hey Lou! Come on in... hang on one second...

(Mori gets a checkmate on Brucie)

Mori: Check...mate. See ya! Little thicko never went to college... I never got into an Ivy League school. I got into two. Come on, let's get outta here.

(Mori leaves and Luis looks back at Brucie who is sobbing on the table)


Mori: Algonquin heliport, come on, hit it.


Mori: Get us to the heliport near Fishmarket South.

Mori: Take us over the bridge and to the heliport.

(Luis begins to drive towards Fishmarket South)

Mori: So I got a proposition for you, Louie.

Luis: It's Luis, bro.

Mori: It'll be Little Louise if I want it to be, you still owe me money, so you're still my bitch.

Luis: Man, Tony, you owe me, bro. Making me hang out with this jackass.

Mori: Now listen to me, I got a wager.

Luis: I ain't having no monster measuring contest, bro. I keep telling you I ain't into that creepy shit.

Mori: Ooh! My jackhammer was crush the shit outta you, bitch. No, no, no, no. I'm talking a fair bet. Calculated risk.

Luis: What's on the line then, you terrifyingly insecure midget?

Mori: Well, how about everything Tony owes me? And I promise to get out of your life if you win.

Luis: That sounds too good to be true, bro. What happens if I lose?

Mori: I get everything. You're rolling with me full time, hombre. Buddies for life. Mmmwah.

Luis: All or nothing, eh? Heavenly peace or a lifetime of being tortured by some hellish imp? Shit is tough.

Mori: Calculated risk. What are you gonna go?

Luis: Okay. So what we betting on?

Mori: It's a race, you fucking pussy. All around the city. Only for some serious high roller cats. Choppers, boats, cars and everything in between.

Luis: So all I gotta do is win that and you out of our lives?

Mori: In theory, yes. But that ain't gonna happen, dog. 'Cause I never lost at nothing in my whole life. Maybe that's because I had a brother as pathetic as little B, or maybe it is because I am the S-H-I-T, bitch!

Luis: Yeah, you shit alright.

Mori: Now if you do win, which you won't, you just got to help me with one more thing and then all your contractual obligations are released.

Luis: Hey, here's to that.

(Luis drives to Fishmarket South and the two board a helicopter)

Mori: Oh, Luis. You're gonna get your ass handed to you, you bitch.


Mori: Here we be! This is where the shit kicks off.

Mori: Ho! I never thought hustling you was gonna be this easy, Lopez.

Luis: Them little legs of yours ain't gonna carry you too fast.


Luis: We gonna give a headstart to those under four feet?

Luis: I don't like your chances, big man.

Pilot: You have all been provided, parachutes, boats, and cars. You will be airlifted to the start where you will race from one vehicle to the next. The first person to make it to the finish in Middle Park is the winner. Are you ready?

Mori: Fuck yeah!

Luis: I'm racing an orange midget. Why wouldn't I be ready?

Pilot: 3! 2! 1!

(Mori and Luis jump out of the helicopter and begin the race)

Racer: Stay away from me.

Racer: Back off of me.

Racer: Let me win. Come on.

Racer: I mortgaged my house to do this race.

Mori: Kiss my orange ass.

Mori: I'm the daddy. I'm the daddy. Oh, I'm the daddy.

Mori: I'm gonna own those clubs, Lopez.

Mori: What part of this race am I not good at?

Mori: You're gonna get left in the dust, you big lug.

Mori: I'm gonna beat you, Lou.

Mori: I own this shit!

Mori: Oh yeah, I'm the shit.

Mori: I'm unstoppable, bitch.

Mori: Ahh, you'll be my bitch for life after this, Louie.

(Luis wins the race)

Luis: Ouch, man. That's got to be an expensive race for you.

Mori: Bullshit, man. Someone musta sabotaged me or something. No, shit, no I wanted to lose. You think Tony's cash means shit to me? I got other investments.

Luis: Good for you, Tiny. So, umm, do we got to see each other again?

Mori: I told you, Louie. One more job. I got some cars to procure and you're gonna help me. Come by Brucie's and we'll hit it.

Luis: Alright, bro, I gave my word.

Alternate dialogue

Luis: How's that business of yours? I been looking in them financial papers and I ain't been seeing your face. Maybe they couldn't get the seat up high enough to bring your head into shot.

Mori: You know I'm sensing a little tension here, Lou. You should let it out. I don't know, beat off more or something. C hill the fuck out. Being around all those gay dudes all day must get confusing, I understand.

Luis: No really, bro. Being around people you want to kill. That shit gets confusing, Mori.

Mori: Oh sure. Sure. Don't you ever get tired a that shit? That muscle bound fag hag routine?

Luis: Working with Tone! You must be joking, man. Even jail would be a vacation in comparison to hanging with you.

Mori: You know, I don't get you, Lopez. No ambition. You should give it all up to work with some real men on some serious shit. You could add a zero to that little tiny pay check a yours and take "mopping cum" out the job description.

Luis: I'm worried I'd be replacing it with "tiny cunt management".

Mori: Man, you got to love interns. Those fucks'll do anything.

Luis: Don't even have to pay them neither.

Mori: God bless college credit. Ooh!

Luis: Oh yeah! Marketing associates, publicity, entertainment - we never pay a back for those people.

Mori: Oh well we agree on something at least?

Luis: There ain't much beyond a common love of free labor from snotty graduates. That's for sure.

Mori: Enough of this bullshit, Lou. How about a wager? Saving one last job I need help with, I'll let you off all your contractual obligations. You win and I forget about the dollars I'm owed. I get the fuck outta your life, you and your fairy godmother can assfuck a pumpkin all night long.

Luis: Bro, I need that little speech in writing. What if I lose?

Mori: And you sign everything over to me.

Luis: Shit, that's heavy man. But maybe losing everything is about worth it to not see you again. What we betting on?

Mori: An extreme race around the city. Air, more air, water, land, it's got it all. Only the richest most hardcore cats can enter. You in?

Luis: Bring it bro.